22/07/2024
Mondays with Dr. Marnee: Explaining the Sandwich Generation to Children
I recently talked with a friend who was on the verge of tears about her current situation. She waited to get married and have children later than her parents did. No judgment, just the facts. These facts place her in a common position of having parents who have needs because they are aging and in their late 60s & early to mid-70s while having younger children who are in preschool and lower elementary school. Being part of the sandwich generation means juggling the responsibilities of caring for your aging parents while also raising your own children. This dual role can be overwhelming!
Helping children understand why things might be different at home can foster empathy, patience, and support. Here's how you can explain the situation to your kids:
Keeping Explanations Simple, Honest, and Age-Appropriate: Tailor your explanation to your child's age and maturity level. Younger children need simpler explanations, while older kids and teenagers can handle more detailed discussions. The general message is the same: We're helping take care of them because that is what we do in our family- A family takes care of each other.
Addressing Their Feelings and Acknowledge Emotions: Let your children know that it's okay to have all kinds of feelings about the situation. They might feel confused, frustrated, annoyed, or even neglected. Let them know that their feelings are valid. It can be very challenging when your child's reaction is negative. Try not to take it too personally; it is part of the process.
Provide Reassurance: Make sure your children know that your love and care for them hasn't changed. Explain that while things might be busier and more stressful, your commitment to their well-being remains the same. It is even ok to join with them and let your child know that it is not always fun or even something you prefer to do, but that caring for people you love is part of showing love.
Involving Them in Caregiving By Assign Age-Appropriate Tasks: Involve your children in helping out in ways that are suitable for their age. This can help them feel included and understand the importance of family support.
Teach Empathy: Use this opportunity to teach your children about empathy and the importance of helping others. Explain how their actions, no matter how small, can make a big difference in their grandparents' lives.
Stick to Routines: Try to maintain normalcy and routine as much as possible. Regular meals, homework, and bedtime schedules can help children feel secure amidst the changes. I am a big fan of predictability when possible.
Quality Family Time: Make time for fun and bonding activities with your children. This can help alleviate feelings of neglect and strengthen family bonds. Remember, 5 to 10 minutes of undivided parental attention to a child of any age (meaning stepping away from the phone or multi-tasking) will make a world of difference.
Keep Them Informed: Regularly update your children about any significant changes in the caregiving situation. It can help them feel involved and reduce uncertainty. Use the Little Red Riding Hood method of not being too soft or too hard but just right for sharing information.
Have an Open Dialogue: Encourage your children to ask questions and express their concerns. Having an open line of communication ensures that they feel heard and supported. Remember to follow their lead when answering questions.
So, back to my friend, I left the conversation with care and concern for my friend and gave her these reminders:
She is a good mom.
Her children will be ok.
Hard and bad are not the same thing.
She is not alone.
Sending love to all in the sandwich generation.
xoxo,
Dr. Marnee
