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Room to Thrive, 6126 W State Street Suite 406, Boise, ID (2026)

04/09/2023

If the Easter story is meaningful to you, feel free to keep scrolling as I have zero desire to dissuade anyone from narratives they find useful. However, for those of us who are deconstructing narratives that no longer serve us, here are a few random thoughts about Easter…

“Clearly, death does not mean very much to someone who knows that after three days he will rise again!" -Rudolf Bultmann (BTW, Bultmann was a New Testament scholar)

At best, Good Friday represents a “temporary loss” a “kinda forsaken” and a “limited suffering” especially in light of the Easter story.

My experience tells me that love matters because the stakes are high, and there are no higher stakes than our mortality and a loss that is final.

I guess that’s why the Easter story feels like spiritual bypassing or avoidance to me, because of how it cheapens love by removing the stakes.

I don’t find the story of Jesus "giving up his life" very compelling when the reality is he maintained it.

The resurrection story feels a bit insincere — like a play where the actor dies on the stage and then stands to take a bow after the curtain falls.

Resurrection stories offer to save us from our mortality — the very thing that gives life meaning and allows us to experience love.

I cannot conceive of love absent the reality of loss. Life is precious precisely because it is limited. To love deeply is to recognize that which is loved will not always be there.

"And so it may be, after all, that love is a little flower that grows on the crumbling edge of the grave. So it may be, that were it not for death, there would be no love, and without love all life would be a curse." -Robert Ingersoll

I would love to hear how you are deconstructing the Easter story.

Here’s to a life you can love against the backdrop of your mortality!

-Brian

04/07/2023

I was accused of killing Jesus when I was only 7 years old.

I still remember the guilt, the shame, the confusion. How was it that my benign childhood behavior was implicated in the murder of an adult I had never met?

The crushing guilt of murder is what Religious Trauma feels like for many of us on “Good Friday.”

If you were ever accused of “killing Jesus” with your childhood behavior, your accusers were wrong.

Period.

How dare anyone blame a child for the death of an adult they never knew!

How f*cking dare they?!

It was not your fault the adults in your life valued their beliefs more than your safety and well-being.

It was not okay.

You deserved a competent protector standing by your side defending you. As part of my healing journey, I’ve stood next to the 7-year old version of myself and let him know that he was okay, that I would protect him, and that it was okay to feel what he felt.

It’s my hope that the little kid version of you will know the safety and security of being defended by the competent protector you’ve become.

-Brian

11/08/2022

Are you a mental health professional supporting survivors of religious trauma, or do you know a therapist who wants to learn more about religious trauma?

As one of the founders of the Religious Trauma Institute, I’m excited to share this foundational training featuring Dr. Kathryn Keller (she/her) and Anna Clark-Miller, LPC (she/her), who bring a wealth of clinical knowledge to this important topic.

Foundations for Treating Religious Trauma

A Live Online Training for Mental Health Professionals

Who is the Training for?

This clinical training is intended for mental health professionals, graduate students in related fields of study, and medical and behavioral health professionals who want to better serve religious trauma survivors. The focus on foundational elements makes this training well suited for clinicians who have been working with religious trauma for a while, therapists who are beginning to work with survivors, and professionals who simply want to expand their awareness and deepen their understanding of religious trauma.

What's included?

🔹A live 3-hour interactive online clinical training
🔹Digital copies of training handouts to view or download
🔹APA approved CEUs available
🔹Additional time for networking, consulting, and collaborating after the training

Training Objectives:

🔸Conceptualization & Assessment:
Attendees will learn to identify signs and symptoms of religious trauma, explore comorbidities, and learn to assess the extent of a client’s religious trauma.

🔸High-Control Implications:
Attendees will learn to recognize and describe the psychologically harmful impacts of high-control tactics used to elicit conformity and subjugation.

🔸Treatment Considerations & Interventions:
Attendees will evaluate therapeutic modalities for their effectiveness in treating religious trauma and gain practical skills for addressing common presenting issues among religious trauma clients.

Details:
📆Date: Sunday, December 11, 2022
⏰Time: 4 - 7pm EST (1 - 4pm PST)
📍Location: Online
📜CEUs: 3 APA approved CEUs available

Investment:
$129 - Professional Registration with 3 APA CEUs
$99 - Professional Registration (no CEUs)
$79 - Student Registration (no CEUs)

Link to register in the comments.

The training is hosted by the Religious Trauma Institute and co-sponsored by Empathy Paradigm and ContinueLearn.

Together, we can resolve religious trauma!

-Brian

10/25/2022

I received over 500 responses to a recent Instagram story where I asked survivors what they hear when folks dismiss religious abuse with [insert trite spiritual saying here]?

Here’s a sampling of their responses and an invitation to share your reaction to these overused sayings that excuse, dismiss, and perpetuate harm.

Over the coming weeks I’ll share additional responses in a series of posts about how harmful these common sayings can be.

When folks dismiss religious abuse with trite spiritual sayings, survivors hear: We value our beliefs more than your safety.

When they say: Who are we to judge?
Survivors hear: We do not believe you.

When they say: Let God sort it out.
Survivors hear: You’re on your own.

When they say: Don’t condemn.
Survivors hear: Your abuse was justified.

When they say: Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Survivors hear: Look the other way.

When they say: You need to forgive him and move on.
Survivors hear: Your trauma doesn’t matter.

When they say: He’s not perfect and neither are we.
Survivors hear: You’re just as bad as your abuser.

When they say: It was the church, not God.
Survivors hear: We care more about God’s reputation than your trauma.

As much as I wished it would work to simply tell folks to STOP saying these dismissive things to religious trauma survivors, I know it’s not that easy.

Instead, I invite them to:

Reflect on what these words are actually communicating to survivors.

Take a moment to notice the impulse to say these words. What’s this really about for you? What if you could be with that discomfort enough to still be present with their suffering?

Acknowledge the cognitive dissonance you may be feeling, and do your best to resolve it in the direction of compassion.

Value survivors’ humanity at least as much as your beliefs.

When we know better we can do better, and survivors deserve better from all of us.

With compassion,

-Brian

10/25/2022

A few of you asked for a more shareable version of a recent IG story. Here it is.

I’ve made peace with my mortality — not in a fatalistic sense, and I’d love to live long enough to meet my grandkids. It’s just that I’m okay with life having an expiration date.

I’m not hoping for an encore by way of resurrection, reincarnation, or universal oneness. I would, however, like to bow deeply with a heart full of gratitude for this one life and all those who have briefly shared it with me.

I don’t recall much from the all-you-can-eat buffets of my youth. However, there have been a few exquisite bites that I’ll savor for a lifetime. Moments in time that never come back. Experiences that you had to be there to capture. Wine bottles that poured out the last of a harvest that will never come around again.

I not sure we really want bottomless drinks or never-ending performances—I know I don’t. Perhaps just a splash more of that old-vine Zin or one more song from our favorite band.

But aren’t encores really just a way to slowly savor the inevitable end— to soak in how precious it is to experience a little more of the thing that can’t last?

Life ask us if we’re willing to love in the face of inevitable loss? It inquires if we’re willing to pay the ultimate price for love.

Resurrection stories offer to save us from our mortality — the very thing that gives life meaning and allows us to experience love.

I’ve come to a place where if offered eternal life, I would politely decline. I value love and connection too much and I’m willing to pay the requisite fee.

Resurrection stories no longer represent hope for me but rather denote avoidance, denial, and disconnection. This life is precious precisely because it’s finite. In the words of Robert Ingersoll, “Love is a flower that only grows on the edge of the grave.”

Early in my deconstruction, I thought letting go of an afterlife would be difficult and terrifying. While it hasn't always been easy, it has been immensely rewarding. I've discovered I no longer fear death like I did as a believer, and I've been delighted to discover a world of meaning emerge.

With compassion,

-Brian

08/26/2022

CW: Trauma, Religious Trauma

Religious trauma can result from an event your nervous system experienced as an inescapable attack within a religious context.

I attended a 4-day trauma training a few weeks ago and a category of trauma we explored was inescapable attacks.

The unique characteristics of trauma from an inescapable attack felt familiar to me and helped to clarify what countless religious trauma survivors have also experienced.

While religious trauma can take many forms and there’s a lot of overlap between how our nervous system responds to different forms of trauma, there was a unique distinction here that got me wondering…

What does an inescapable attack look like within a religious context?

💡Reminder: our nervous systems experience “real” and perceived attacks/threats in similar ways. Many of the threats in a religious context aren’t obvious in the physical sense.

Some characteristics of trauma from inescapable attack include:

🔹feeling that the world is a dangerous place

🔹immobility, hyper-vigilance, and helplessness

🔹boundary and empowerment difficulties

🔹healthy aggression gets repressed or frozen

Inescapable attacks create “a survival dilemma between the need to fight (or flee) and the possibly greater potential for survival by submitting.”

A few examples of what an inescapable attack might look like in a religious context include:

🔹Being exposed to threatening beliefs in a context where you could not escape, e.g. a church service, a bishop’s office etc.

🔹Experiencing God as having the power to send you to hell with no option for escape. The need to submit in order to survive.

🔹Being pressured to do something against your will and realizing the cost of resisting was higher than complying.

🔹Countless forms of “church discipline” and corporal punishment.

🔹An event that didn’t quite feel like an "attack" but you experienced an inability to escape.

If this helps connect some dots for you, you're not alone, and I would love to hear your thoughts!

Here’s to continued healing!

-Brian

08/25/2022

There's something wonderfully healing about trusting our bodies when working with trauma.

Image text: “Your body, of course, does not give a damn whether a practice is ancient or modern, secular or religious, proven or unproven. It just wants to experience safety and security.”
–Resmaa Menakem

I value the ancient wisdom that has been passed on to us, and I appreciate the contributions of researchers and clinicians who devote their lives to studying and treating trauma.

I too constantly work to improve my clinical skills and deepen my understanding of trauma.

However, our bodies don't give a damn how much we know *about* trauma, our nervous systems simply want to experience safety, security, and connection.

I tell my clients regularly, “I don’t know what is best for you, but I trust your nervous system does.”

As a new therapist, I was terrified I would say or do the wrong thing, and this fear resulted in me overly relying on protocols and the expertise of others.

It felt more comfortable to trust these external sources than the two nervous systems in the room.

Now, I'm more comfortable in the therapeutic process and able to trust what each of our nervous systems bring to the session.

There's freedom and humility in setting aside how things "are supposed to work" and creating a context where more safety, connection, and healing can emerge.

We humans like to put things in tidy boxes, and we may prefer ancient over modern, secular over religious, proven over unproven or some other category we deem “correct.”

I'm not arguing for or against any of these approaches; instead, I'm encouraging all of us to regularly inquire, “is this working for me?”

I'd love to hear your thoughts, questions, or musings.

Here's to continued healing and growth!

-Brian

08/23/2022

CW: Abuse, Cover up, Religious Trauma

Tonight I recalled meeting a survivor who was terrified to name the church where they were abused for fear of repercussions from the church’s lawyers.

A survivor…speaking to a therapist…not about the abuse they experienced at the hands of a church leader, but about the ongoing trauma of being silenced by a church they were terrified to say out-loud.

There are countless reasons churches choose to cover up abuse instead of doing their part to prevent it and to hold perpetrators accountable.

The following are a but a sample of “reasons” with the hope that others will add to the list and expand this important conversation.

Why do churches cover up abuse?

🔹Because they value their reputation over the safety and wellbeing of survivors.

🔹Because dehumanizing patriarchal beliefs make it easy to justify and excuse abuse.

🔹Because they've done it with impunity for decades with little fear of repercussion.

🔹Because "all have sinned" clouds the distinction between egregious abuse and innocuous mistakes.

🔹Because they value cheap forgiveness more than justice despite how it excuses and perpetuates abuse.

🔹Because maintaining power & control is more important than acknowledging the harm they've caused.

🔹Because money is more valuable than the lives of survivors.

🔹Because maintaining the illusion of "divine authority" is preferable to admitting they were complicit in abuse and doing better.

🔹Because they value their beliefs more than the safety and wellbeing of survivors.

What would you add to this list?

As always, I appreciate your feedback and value these opportunities to learn together.

Here’s to continued healing!

-Brian

08/23/2022

CW: Religious Trauma, Betrayal Trauma, Abuse

The betrayal trauma of a church cover-up can be as traumatizing as the initial abuse.

It’s no secret that churches have been covering up abuse for a long time, but seeing the latest blatant example in the news can be overwhelming for many religious trauma survivors.

If you’re feeling this, you’re not alone.

I’m sharing this post to shine a light on a form of trauma that often gets overlooked—betrayal trauma.

Trauma is often an isolating and disorienting experience, and survivors desperately need the safety and support of a caring other to facilitate healing.

Not only does covering up abuse frequently result in ongoing harm, the betrayal itself is traumatizing.

Survivors know this all too well.

Unfortunately, many “defenders of the church” fail to recognize the harm they cause when they implicitly and explicitly support, dismiss, or excuse church cover-ups.

I want to live in a world where survivors’ safety and well-being is at least as important as the most ardent churchgoer’s beliefs.

I want to be the kind of person who recognizes the harm of betrayal trauma and values the safety and well-being of survivors more than the institutions and relationships I hold dear.

Survivors deserve better from all of us.

-Brian

06/19/2022

Here’s to all the fathers who are deconstructing harmful beliefs and breaking cycles of religious trauma.

I see you there parenting with more compassion than you experienced as a child.

I see you valuing your children more than your religious beliefs.

I see your kids breathing easy and unaware of the harm you’ve shielded them from.

I see you taking responsibility for the harm you caused when you didn’t know better.

Breaking cycles of religious trauma is difficult, messy, and important work.

It’s okay to be proud of how you show up for your kids, while feeling sad for the younger version of yourself.

Here’s to offering yourself compassion as you take your next wavering steps towards healing.

Here’s to the subtle shifts.

Here’s to the imperfect process.

I see you.

I hear you.

I believe you.

You are not alone.

-Brian

06/19/2022

Father’s Day is complicated for many of us.

Your mixed emotions about Father’s Day are valid.

Your Feelings are valid even if there's not a Hallmark card for them.

It's okay to feel what you feel.

Here's to prioritizing your well-being — whatever that looks like for you this weekend.

With compassion,

-Brian

06/13/2022

💜 You are enough.

🔎Notice what your mind does with these words—how you look for exceptions, how you begin to compare, how you doubt my perception.

☺️That’s okay. I don’t want you to believe me—I want you to know something far deeper.

🏃🏽‍♂️I must warn you that you’ll not find the elusive sense of being enough at the end of your arduous struggle to achieve.

💡Enough isn’t found in the flashbulbs of success.

😮‍💨Enough does not float weightlessly on the long exhale after you’ve done all you can do.

🏃🏾‍♀️Enough will invariably elude your attempts to achieve it.

💰It will not be earned.

📞You cannot beckon enough.

🛍You cannot barter for enough.

💵There’s not enough of you to trade for enough.

💪🏽You can’t do enough to be enough.

💸You can’t earn enough to be enough.

🧘🏽Enough is not about doing — it’s about acknowledging what already is.

🫂Enough was a state that existed before you tried. Enough was there pre-struggle, mid-struggle, and post-struggle unaffected by all the effort you expended.

🤗It was quietly waiting to be noticed, to be acknowledged, to be accepted.

🤲🏾🎁To be enough is an enormous gift that must be received by the same hands with which it is given. These are open hands, empty hands, hands that embrace what is without judgment.

🛐Enough does not come from some external source or by way of a benevolent pat on the head. It can not be gifted by grace, faith, or a savior.

💁🏻‍♂️I invite you to ask this question with all the sincerity, openness, and curiosity you can muster,

💜“What if I am enough?”

🤗May you be at home and at ease in the warm caress of enough.

-Brian

❤

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