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The Other Therapy

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The Other Therapy

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01/29/2025

I used to take emotions way too personally.

Every negative emotion felt like a crisis—like something needed immediate fixing.

(Pretty intense way to live, right?)

But here’s what changed everything for me:

I realized that emotions aren’t necessarily 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬—sometimes they’re just 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡.

Which brings us to the 5𝐭𝐡 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲—𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲.

A pretty radical concept in our culture.

Because if you take emotions personally, you give them control over you.

And when emotions control you, you lose your ability to respond with intention.

𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞:

• Taking emotions personally: "I feel anxious. That must mean I’m in danger."
Not taking emotions personally: "Anxiety is present. But does it actually mean I’m unsafe?"

• Taking emotions personally: "I feel hurt. Someone must have wronged me."
Not taking emotions personally: "Hurt is here. But does it necessarily mean someone was out to get me?"

• Taking emotions personally: "I feel unworthy. I must be broken."
Not taking emotions personally: "I notice shame arising. But does feeling shame mean I actually am unworthy? Maybe not."

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞—not trying to eliminate emotions, but choosing how you relate to them.

When you stop taking emotions personally, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦.

This allows you to:

✅ Choose your response
✅ Move past the mental drama
✅ Develop the capacity to act intentionally regardless of how you temporarily feel

(Way more chill than before.)

The best part?

You allow emotions to come and go 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲.

That’s the whole game.

So—what emotions might you be taking a little too personally right now?

And how might it feel to adopt the view that they have nothing important to say?

01/27/2025

In the past, I was addicted to the language of obligation.

It sounded like:

• "He made me feel like this."
• "They made me do it."
• "I have to."
• "I can't."

This is the language of a child - reactive, powerless, victim-like.

It took time, but I've learned that I have vastly more personal power and agency than I thought.

As do all adults.

That power is rooted in the 4th pillar of personal responsibility - 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞, a way of speaking that reflects your power in every situation.

Here's the difference:

• 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝-𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 says, “I’m forced to do this.”
> Adult language says, “I alone am choosing to do this. Nobody has a gun to my head.”

• 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝-𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 says, “They’re making me angry.”
> Adult language says, “I feel angry, and it’s about my own relationship with vulnerability. They triggered it, but they’re not the cause.”

• 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝-𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 says, “They didn’t meet my needs.”
> Adult language says, “Did I clearly advocate for what I needed in this situation?”

• 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝-𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 says, “My trigger made me do it.”
> Adult language says, “I did it because I refused to remain present with my trigger.”

The 1st step is changing your words.

The 2nd step is reclaiming your power.

When you use the language of choice:

> You act with considered intention, not immediate reaction.
> You remain standing on your own two feet, even when you're a bit wobbly.
> You experience your agency, even in tough situations.

Every moment presents a choice: stay reactive and let life happen to you - or 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭.

It's the difference between staying stuck and moving forward.

01/21/2025

𝐄𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 = 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞.

It is the product of embracing the full spectrum of your feeling world.

But we all have emotions we put off-limits.

Maybe you pride yourself on being calm and collected - but struggle to access anger when your boundaries are crossed.

Or you avoid vulnerability because it feels like weakness.

These are 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 — parts of yourself you’ve learned to push away in order to survive, succeed, or fit in.

But disowning these parts comes at a cost:
You limit your choices and your ability to fully show up in life.

The 3rd pillar of personal responsibility is about 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 in the emotions and energies you’ve avoided, instead of letting them control you unconsciously.

This process isn’t about “fixing” yourself.

It’s about 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 these disowned energies into your life in a healthy, embodied way.

When you do this:

• 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 becomes a boundary-setting tool.
• 𝐕𝐮𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 becomes a strength, not a weakness.
• Your 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 expands, giving you more freedom to act with integrity and intention.

The only thing holding you back?
The belief that parts of you are “unacceptable” or “too much.”

Here’s the empowering truth:

When you take ownership of all your energies - even the ones you’ve disowned - you become whole.

01/17/2025

Ever feel like life isn’t moving in the direction you want?

It’s easy to convince ourselves that the problem is external:

Someone else’s behavior.
Circumstances outside of your control.
Lack of validation and support.

But what if the real power to change things has been yours all along?

With personal responsibility, you don’t need others to change for you to feel empowered.

No waiting for an apology to move forward.
No relying on external validation to feel worthy.
No blaming others to justify your stagnation.

Taking personal responsibility unlocks your power to act.

Want to reclaim your agency? You can.
Want to feel less stuck? You’re capable.
Want to create meaningful change? It’s within reach.

The control is yours.
The choices are yours.
The power is yours.

Stop blaming.
Stop waiting.
Stop feeling powerless.

Just start taking ownership through radical personal accountability.

Remember—
The only thing holding you back…

Is your allegiance to the story you’ve been telling yourself. And the lack of effective action it justifies.

P.S.

This is the 3rd post in an ongoing series on personal responsibility. You can see the first post here: https://buff.ly/4gR6rRh

01/15/2025

Who’s responsible for how you feel?

You or others?

The answer:

Neither.

Feelings arise automatically — they’re part of being human.

But what you DO with those feelings?

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

[In my previous post, I introduced the concept of personal responsibility. This is the 2nd post in an ongoing series where we dive into its key pillars. This one is called "Taking Ownership of Your Feelings."]

Here’s the distinction:

𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 are immediate, raw sensations that we don't have much control over.
𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 are the stories, behaviors, and choices we make in response to those feelings.

When we don’t take responsibility for working with our feelings, we:

• Blame others for how we feel.
• Let our feelings dictate our actions.
• Stay stuck in cycles of blame and reactivity.

But here’s the empowering truth:

While you can’t always control what you feel, you can ALWAYS control 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥.

Here’s how to practice:

1️⃣ Pause and notice your feelings.

↳ Name the emotion: anger, sadness, frustration, etc.
↳ Notice your impulse—what do you want to do in this moment?
↳ Resist the urge to act immediately. Give yourself space.

2️⃣ Ask: “What story am I telling myself about this feeling?”

↳ What assumptions or interpretations are fueling this reaction?
↳ Is this story true—or just a conditioned response?
↳ What deeper vulnerability might this feeling point to?

3️⃣ Choose to respond intentionally rather than react reflexively.

↳ What action aligns with your values or long-term goals?
↳ How can you address the situation with clarity and care?

This work is challenging, but it’s freeing.

When you take ownership of your emotions and reactions, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞, instead of having it shape you.

Stay tuned for the next step in this ongoing series on personal responsibility.

01/13/2025

The #1 struggle everyone faces in personal growth:

Taking 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 for our emotions and actions.

Instead of practicing personal responsibility, we:

- Blame others for our feelings & problems
- Expect partners to fix our issues
- Make excuses for our reactions
- Stay stuck in victim mentality
- Avoid difficult emotions

But personal responsibility is the game-changer.

It’s the practice of 𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 in your life.

Here's what it looks like in action:

1. Own your feelings (they're yours, not anyone else's)
2. Step out of victimhood (you have agency, even in challenging situations)
3. Face all emotions (especially the uncomfortable ones - they're the key to growth)
4. Question your interpretations (they're shaped by your history, not universal truths)
5. Let emotions flow (without taking them personally - they're part of being human)
6. Handle your own growth (relationships are for connection, not therapy)

In my work, the practice of personal responsibility has transformed lives. Client who embrace personal responsibility:

✨ Experience authentic growth
✨ Develop emotional maturity
✨ Build stronger, more fulfilling relationships
✨ Create lasting change
✨ Find inner freedom

Over the next few days, I'll be diving deeper into each personal responsibility pillar.

Think of it as personal responsibility 101 - a guide to unlocking emotional freedom, personal growth, and relational health.

01/06/2025

What if putting yourself first actually made you a better partner, friend, and colleague?

Most people hear "selfishness" and think it’s about hoarding resources, ignoring others, or putting yourself above everyone else.

But 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 — the SKILLFUL kind — isn’t about taking from others.

It’s about balancing your needs for independence with your needs for relationship.

That balance is the secret to deeper connection, healthier boundaries, and lasting personal integrity.

Here’s the problem:

In most relationships, we lean too far in one direction or the other:

↳ 𝐆𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 , and you feel drained (not enough selfishness).
↳ 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 , and you create resentment (too much selfishness).

Both leave us disconnected, from ourselves or from others.

𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫: 𝐒𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬

The art of caring for yourself so you can truly show up for others.

It’s not self-indulgence — it’s self-sustainability.

It's connection without sacrifice.

Skillful selfishness balances relational needs with independence.

And the result?

Relationships where:
↳ You don’t lose yourself trying to keep the peace.
↳ You don't abandon others to care for yourself.

It turns out, 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬𝐧’𝐭 "𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡" (in the stereotypical sense) 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥 .

It’s the foundation for healthy relationships that last.

12/19/2024

Feeling your feelings won't destroy you.

But avoiding them might.

The task of therapy?

To help you "𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥"

Otherwise, you'll spend precious time & energy defending against feelings.

Which offers you relief in the moment, but hurts you in the long-run.

Because, in the world of relationships, the price-tag of a good defense is destruction.

As a therapist, I help clients:

• Drop the defense entirely
• Identify the feeling precisely
• Feel the feeling fully
• Channel it into healthy actions

If you don't have a therapist:

• Use the feeling wheel below to identify your feeling
• Allow yourself to "burn up in the feeling" for 30 seconds while doing absolutely nothing about it
• In time, you will increase your emotional awareness, self-knowledge, and internal confidence that your feelings don't need to be avoided

Remember, self-knowledge always beats self-protection.

12/03/2024

Don't let expectations about what reality "should" be impede your ability to work with reality as it is.

Address

Boulder, CO

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Monday	9am - 8pm
Tuesday	9am - 8pm
Wednesday	9am - 8pm
Thursday	9am - 8pm
Friday	9am - 5pm

Telephone

+19703408542

Website

http://www.theothertherapy.com/

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The Path to Psychological Freedom

We are all deeply ambivalent about pursuing change. We have, I think, an intuitive perception that change is destabilizing. It necessarily entails disrupting the self-concept we are comfortable with, even if we constantly complain about it.

Transformative change requires a radical acceptance of where we are, a simultaneous dis-identification with who we believe ourselves to be, and a willingness to try on behaviors and styles of engaging with our lives that inevitably activate our core vulnerabilities.

I consider it my responsibility to be a location of awareness for my clients; to reflect back their blind spots and unconscious patterns and provide them with the opportunity for growth.

It is my hope that my clients experience more and more frequent moments of confidence, joy, gratitude, humor and, ultimately, psychological freedom from their conditioned history.