03/04/2019
The desire to be agreeable and well-liked is a theme I’ve seen come up repeatedly with both myself and my clients over the years. Evolutionarily, this makes a lot of sense since we’re descended from people whose very survival relied on membership in the tribe. But while this fierce need to be accepted might have been adaptive for our early ancestors, in 2019, the desire to be liked at any cost doesn’t seem to be serving us anymore.
Time and time again, I hear people talk about molding themselves into what they think others want them to be. We bend our boundaries, suppress our needs, and turn ourselves into chameleons trying to please and cater to those around us, all because we are terrified of not being liked.
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There a few big problems with this shape-shifting act:
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1. We’re not actually that good at reading people’s minds—we may think we know how others want us to be, but more likely than not, we’re missing the mark. You can never be sure that you’re coming off the way someone wants you to, but you can be sure that you'll exhaust yourself with mental gymnastics and pull yourself out of the present moment since you’re in your head, trying to solve the puzzle of how to act.
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2. This people-pleasing tendency often has the opposite of its intended impact—the irony is that it’s easy to tell when someone is saying and doing what they think others want, and this behavior is actually kind of unsettling. It usually leaves person on the receiving end feeling uneasy because they can sense that the agreeable person isn’t really being themselves or speaking their mind. Ultimately, this type of behavior deprives those you’re interacting with of really getting to know you and nobody wins.
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3. Being liked by everyone is an impossible goal. Each day, we interact with so many people, all with different personalities and preferences. Trying to please everyone is like chasing some phantom carrot at the end of a stick, and it’ll only leave you feeling exhausted in social situations. If one person finds you to be magnetic or delightful, someone else in the room will find you to be abrasive or underwhelming.
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This people-pleasing behavior sends the implicit and toxic message to yourself that “others' needs and comfort matter more than my own”. And if you try to change who you are to suit one person, you’ll be depriving someone else who would’ve loved the real you of knowing that person. If you're wondering how to even discern who the “real” you is—I’ve found it useful to pay attention to how I am when I'm alone or with the people that I’m the most comfortable with.
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Accepting the fact that not everyone is going to like us is scary, yes, but it’s also incredibly liberating. The sooner we stop putting energy into figuring out how others want us to be, the sooner we can channel that energy, instead, into being present and connecting with the people and things that make us feel like the best versions of ourselves. And while not everyone will like it, most people will pick up on someone who is unapologetically themselves, and will respect it at the very least.
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I’m very familiar with this urge to be liked and noticed it coming up a lot in my early work with clients. My natural inclination is to approach my work with a direct and open style. I say what I’m noticing about my client and disclose information about what I’m thinking and feeling in the moment more than some therapists might. Some people love this style, while I’m sure that others find it disarming. Accepting this has allowed me to discover my unique voice and style as a therapist. I trust that the people for whom I’m a good match will find me, and the people for whom I’m not will find a therapist that better suits their needs and personality. And why would I want it any other way?
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Because the therapeutic relationship is safe and structured, it's a great space to practice being your true self, asserting your needs and boundaries. And experimenting with new ways of showing up in relationship in therapy makes it easier to then take these new behaviors into your outside life.
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The shift from being palatable to being real is scary, but I truly believe that it leads to deeper and more satisfying relationships both with ourselves and others.
