10/15/2024
A few weeks ago I had an appointment in Brentwood only 2 miles from my favorite sanctuary - Radnor Lake.
I walked this familiar road. One that I have walked on the worst of my days in hurt, one that I have walked in the best of my days in restoration. That day, peaceful grief is what showed up on the agenda of my heart’s processing.
I sat on the wall, as I’ve done before and sat with my heart. Here I believe it’s helpful to share some intricacies of a big portion of my job. I prepare hurt spouses for and co-lead couples who are going through the process of healing from the effects of s*x addiction and betrayal trauma (which can look lots of different ways) for what is called Full Therapeutic Disclosure. It is an extremely delicate, intentionally prepared, three part process that in its entirety can take anywhere from 6 months to a year (sometimes less sometimes more) and requires the partnership of me, a CSAT, and the couple wishing to see healing and restoration in their coupleship.
This work is beyond trauma work, it is deep deep grief work that can lead to such beautiful healing, freedom, strength, and new partnerships; that said it is a painful journey. The first part of the process is where the acting out partner recounts in a formal document, all their history of acting out (beginning in family of origin where addiction typically starts) to their partner, especially including all the secretive acting out, lies, and manipulation since marriage. All secrets are finally laid out in the sacred open space that we as therapists create and contain to the best of our ability. It is tender, heartbreaking, traumatic, and so courageous for both people.
After a while the betrayed spouse works on the second part, the impact letter. This is where they write out all the ways in which their spouse’s acting out, deception, and manipulation have impacted their life. It is an honest account of the way her life has been turned completely upside down, she’s been shaken to her core, most likely isolated from her community or family, her nervous system has become disregulated and her brain & body experience deep impact over time that often requires rewiring. The letter, when complete, is then read to her spouse in a similar format as the disclosure document, with all parties present.
The third part of the process, the emotional restitution letter, is an opportunity for the acting out partner to not only write out a formal apology and acknowledgement to their their spouse around the hurt they’ve caused but an opportunity for the beginning of a living amends; a 9th Step (12 Step reference) in action. Here is where in my work with couples we really begin to see the fruit of an addicts’ work and recovery, safety and trust being rebuilt for a partner, and glimmers of hope and empathy being restored.
Each document due to the intentionality, reflection, awareness, and hard work it takes can take months to prepare. It is a beautiful and terrible process to have to go through. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone but it is sacred to be a part of it when I get the honor to.
THIS kind of process turns trauma to grief and grief to healing. It is not the only work that has to be done on either side or in the relationship, but it can be a pivotal process in the healing and restoration of it. It can help the couple move forward as it sets a new foundation for the relationship.
That morning as I sat on that wall I felt the weight of grief. It was heavy in my chest. I sat and felt the wind on my face, the cool droplets of water from the lake and the rain landing on my cheeks co-mingling with my tears. The sturdiness of the stone wall supported me, as there in my mind as clearly as ever, my lion sat with me on my right. He sat with me as I breathed deeply. “I know your grief. I know what you carry for others. I know what you carry in yourself. Breathe daughter. For I know the plans I have for you…and they are good.” I still felt the grief on my chest but it was peaceful and not overbearing…just very present. This is the gift of trauma turning to grief. And grief can be a sacred friend; a reminder that we love and live and feel deeply.
That day I embraced peaceful grief and it felt healing and hard at the same time, but it also felt safe and necessary. My hope is that my clients get to a place of peaceful grief; when grief comes rather than being seen as a nuisance or something to get rid of, it’s more like a friend that reminds us how deeply we love and how deeply we feel. It becomes an invitation for deeper healing connection.
After I left the wall and walked back to my car, I called one of my most beloved CSAT colleagues to check in and touch base on our mutual clients. There, I was just reminded as we chatted, scratched our heads occasionally, just how much we care and how much this is a team effort. We get to heal in community and if you are working with me or with a CSAT that I work with, I want you to hear how much you are loved, prayed for, and how much of our own hearts we put in this work.
I share what I do because I KNOW that I KNOW that there are couples, women, men out there who are struggling and feel like there’s no hope. Hope CAN be restored. There IS a process that can bring restoration. You don’t have to try to do this alone. Reach out if your coupleship is hurting, if you are hurting, if you are hiding, if shame keeps you from the healing you deserve or your relationship deserves. There are places and people and professionals who will accept and welcome you; who are ready to walk with you through the fire. There absolutely can be beauty from ashes. Don’t give up.
