05/12/2026
A friend called me out recently after attending a couple roller derby practices with my league.
She said essentially I don’t take up space.
And honestly? She was right.
I do this thing at practice where I step aside a lot. If someone else wants the turn, I usually let them take it. If there’s a spot open, I’m probably assuming someone else would do more with it than I would. I won’t jump in a pack or position unless specifically told to, so I don’t take someone’s spot.
I tell myself I’m just being team minded, and sometimes that’s true, but if I’m really honest, some of it is me worrying about overstepping. Worrying people will think I think I’m better than I am.
Nobody has ever actually said that to me, by the way.
Then last night my 11 year old was talking about learning to apex jump and she said, “I don’t want people to think I’m a show off.”
That one hit me in the chest.
I immediately told her not to worry about that. I explained you are supposed to grow. You are supposed to get stronger and louder and more skilled. This is sports. You do not make yourself smaller so other people feel comfortable. And honestly? She was imagining a discomfort that doesn’t even exist. Nobody thinks she is a show off.
And while I was saying it to her, I realized we were doing the exact same thing.
She’s afraid people will judge her for being good.
I’m afraid people will judge me for thinking I could be good.
Neither of us even had proof. Nobody said these things to us. We just imagined the discomfort ahead of time and started shrinking around it.
Many women do this constantly without even realizing it.
We soften ourselves before anyone asks us to.
We apologize for taking up room before we’ve even entered the space.
We convince ourselves we’re being humble when sometimes we’re actually just scared of being perceived.
And honestly? This is deeply connected to birth work.
Because I see women do this in doctors offices, during pregnancy, in labor rooms and postpartum all the time.
Women apologize for asking questions.
Apologize for saying no.
Apologize for needing more information.
Apologize for crying.
Apologize for taking too long.
Apologize for wanting support.
Apologize for being loud.
Apologize for having instincts about their own bodies and babies.
I have watched women shrink themselves in the very moments they should feel the most powerful.
Not because they are weak, but because most of us were conditioned to believe being “good” means being agreeable, easy, quiet and grateful. Even when something feels wrong.
Birth requires the opposite.
Birth asks women to trust themselves.
To advocate.
To ask questions.
To make noise.
To take up physical, emotional and medical space.
And that can feel almost unnatural for women who have spent their whole lives trying not to inconvenience anyone.
Anyway. My kid accidentally held up a mirror to me last night and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. That’s the beauty of parenting though. We often get to reparent ourselves in the process.
📸: Brandon Louden Photography
