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http://www.tglclaritycounseling.com/

TGL Wellness - Tyler Loomis counseling services, 1750 N Calhoun Road, Brookfield, WI (2025)

11/08/2022

One of the things we all have to be careful of is getting caught in our own subjective loop of our own thoughts and experiences.
- My marriage is painful and I see no way out; marriage must be painful.
- Parenting is complicated and impossible; I see no other way. I am stuck with complicated and impossible.
- I hate my job. Going to work can't possibly be enjoyable. I guess I will have to endure more of this for the next 25 years.
- My church has hurt me. Knowing God was confusing. God must not care and the church is not available.
There are a dozen more statements we could make and conclusions we could draw based solely on our own subjective experience.
This is why some relatively OBJECTIVE data is so important to bring into the mix with your subjective reality. It tells us that there might be more than one way to parent, to do marriage, to get through school or find a new job.
The question is: where are you receiving some outside data to compare and contract your subjective experience? It needs to come from somewhere . . . one thing for you to consider for today!

08/09/2022

A friend of mine recently reflected in an email to me that life sometimes can be summed up as "I don't know what I should be doing and what I am doing is probably the wrong thing." I could resonate with that statement but also thought about how accurate that can be for marriage (or parenting for that matter).

The John Gottman material we use for our marriage intensive helps to remedy that feeling. Not only is it data-driven, but it is also interactive and practical and provides a couple with a road map so that they can get some ideas about what they should be doing and if what they are doing is the right thing. Come check it out beginning September 21st! Message me for more information.

07/29/2022

You’re Not Hearing Me!!

Marriage communication involves BOTH people paying attention to their hearing aids AND mouthpieces. There are ways to be generous (or a pain in the neck) on both sides of this bridge . . .
Paying attention to your hearing aids means 2 things:

1) Are you listening . . . really listening instead of forming a response before your spouse has even finished speaking?
2) How are you listening? If something your spouse says doesn’t come out juuusssst right are you ready to get hurt and offended and jump all over it? Paying attention to your hearing aids means having thick skin because words coming your way are sometimes clumsy or they arrive in a prickly package.

Paying attention to your mouthpiece means calming oneself and having an awareness of these 3 things:

1) Tone. How you say something can change the meaning of the words in a flash
2) Timing. Is right now really the best time to be bringing this up to your spouse? 10 minutes before company is coming over? At 11pm when both of you are dog-tired? No.
3) Pace. We can talk faster but we can’t listen faster. Quick words and many words can flood your spouse. Slow. It. Down.

Join our marriage intensive this fall to find out more about the spectacular world of effective and emotionally healthy communication!!

07/26/2022

10 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage

Yes, there are the obvious choices . . . have an affair, get wildly addicted to something, abuse, etc., but here are the more subtle ones that over time can be destructive as well:

1) Spend lots of time being distracted by screens and social media.
2) Instead of taking time to notice and acknowledge what your spouse does, criticize all the things he/she isn’t doing well.
3) Be defensive and close-minded. Don’t take any feedback or correction from your spouse.
4) Be sure not to take any responsibility for the problems in the relationship - blame your spouse as much as possible.
5) Use really demonstrative and hyperbolic generalizations. Always, never, every, and all the time are good ones to start with.
Anger.
6) Give yourself over to anger and express it whenever you feel like it
7) Stay away from marriage therapy, marriage books, marriage podcasts, marriage retreats or any other marriage resources available out there.
8) Let physical affection and sexual intimacy fall by the wayside.
9) Look to your spouse to meet your every need, calm every fear, heal every wound, address every insecurity, and solve every problem.
10) Don’t kindly and patiently share your needs and wants with your spouse, wait for him/her to incorrectly read your mind.

Another way is out there! The September 1st deadline for our marriage intensive is fast approaching. Come join us and learn how to stay away from this top 10 list.

09/04/2021

Fight COVID by loving your spouse! Marriage expert, John Gottman, found in his research that the stress created in disconnected marriages puts wear and tear on the body and mind, which can present in any number of physical ailments. Conversely, couples in connected, high-functioning marriages have greater immune system function.

So get connected and get healthy! If you need a boost or a little direction, we have a spot left in our seminar. Come join the fun!

09/02/2021

Marriage researcher, John Gottman, says "It's biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives." What are couples supposed to do with this reality? Jenny Heckman and I have one spot left for you to come find out! Message me if you're interested.

08/26/2021

Marriage expert, John Gottman, makes the claim that he can predict marital success or failure with 91% accuracy after only 15 MINUTES of observing the communication patterns of a couple.

He writes, “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs.”

Our upcoming seminar will help teach couples what this “dynamic” is as we look together at John Gottman’s process for getting there. The fun begins on Sept 16th and we are expecting the seminar to be full, so don’t delay if you’re interested.

08/19/2021

2 Spots Left and About a Month to Go!!

Jenny Heckman and I are very excited about the opportunity to offer this unique marriage resource this fall . . . but why should you consider it?

If you have done marriage counseling or are currently in marriage counseling, this seminar can be a great supplement or even an accelerant to what you are working on in therapy.

Our guidebook, 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, is an excellent resource for facilitating an increased connection between couples, and it always helps to have an ongoing class with other couples to provide some accountability for sticking with it.

If your marriage isn’t necessarily struggling but is in need of “something more”, this seminar will provide plenty of fuel to go on.
This seminar is appropriate for you even if you are not married, but you're sure you are with "the one".

Last, but definitely not least, Jenny and I do a good bit of marriage counseling and collaboration together. It is rare to find two professionals, one male and one female, who are offering a seminar like this together, so don’t delay!

08/10/2021

A question that I often ask couples is “What is the purpose of your marriage?” Granted, it is somewhat rhetorical because I already have an answer in mind. Before I answer what the purpose is . . . here is what the purpose isn’t:

Marriage does not exist for the purpose of having children. It does not exist for building homes, businesses, careers or churches. Marriage does not exist for creating a diverse investment portfolio, fulfilling hobbies or an extensive travel calendar. Marriage does not exist as a cure for loneliness. That is all byproduct.

What is the purpose? connection is the goal and transparency helps facilitate this connection more than anything else. Couples can wrongly believe that a conflict-free relationship is the goal or the evidence of connection. You can’t and don’t have to agree on everything. Everything you encounter in your relationship from the good, to the mundane, to the really painful will be opportunities for growth or division.

Are you experiencing more growth or division? Need help with transparency and connection? We have a couple spots left in our “Thriving Marriage” seminar this fall!

07/30/2021

I’ve been giving effort, but I didn’t see any effort from him, so I gave up” lamented one wife who came in for an individual session. Her comment highlighted one of my therapy essentials for couples: “DO YOUR OWN WORK.” Pay attention to your side of the street first. Eat what is on your plate. You get the idea.

Yes, it can be discouraging and downright exhausting for one person to feel like they bearing the majority of the weight in the relationship, but if someone is working on personal and relational health in order to get their partner to do something, see something or act a certain way, it will feel exahusting because that is the wrong motive.

Whether some couples know it or not, they are in a standoff that basically sounds like “I will start behaving when you start behaving.” That is a problem because each person has taken their eyes off of their own work. Kindness, patience and generosity are not dependent upon another person being that way first - they exist in an of themselves irregardless of how well or how poorly one feels they are being treated by their spouse.

Jenny Heckman and I look forward to helping couples keep their eye on their own ball in our seminar this fall “Thriving Marriage is Possible.” We have a few spots still available - DM me if you have questions or are interested in getting signed up!

07/16/2021

"You're a marriage therapist . . . what advice would you give this newly engaged couple?" was a question posed to me recently during a social gathering. This was not the first time this question had been thrown in my direction.

My answer . . . the first and most practical piece of advice I can give in a short amount of time: "lose the screen." Put the phone, the tablet, the computer or the TV screen away. The screen is a thief and a home-wrecker who steals your attention, your communication, and some of your most crucial hours you have together.
Believe me - you will be fine without your twitter, tiktok, reddit, facebook or instagram feeds. They will always be waiting.
So . . . you have both "lost your screens" . . . you're sitting there staring at each other . . . what is next? Sign up for our course to find out!
Thriving Marriages are Possible! Jenny Heckman and I will be offering this 6 week courses this fall - space is limited, but DM me to get signed up!

07/13/2021

It’s human nature . . . we notice the problems! More specifically, we notice the problems in our intimate relationships and marriages at the expense of any “wins” that are happening in the relationship. Couples can often list with precision the areas of disappointment and failure be it their own or their spouse’s, but have difficulty highlighting what has been good.

The solution? Notice the good. It’s happening. No problem happens all the time. I encourage couples who are struggling to develop the habit of paying attention to what feels good and highlight it . . . underline it . . . put it in BOLD! It feels good to hear that you did something pleasing or something well for your significant other, so let him/her know!

Thriving Marriages are Possible! Jenny Heckman and I are offering a couple’s intensive this fall for couples that want to learn more about how to do this with and for each other. DM me to get signed up . . . space is limited, so don’t delay.

07/07/2021

When I begin marriage or couples therapy, I ask couples to think about their relationship as their "first child". This is the first thing that they have created together, and hopefully, it is a child that never leaves the home. But in order for that to happen, it is a child that will always need to be paid attention to, cared for, fed and nurtured.

What can happen, however, is "life" crowds in. Kids happen. Stress happens. Jobs happen. Calendars happen. And then what happens is the "first child" starts getting the leftovers, the first child gets frail and the first child gets ornery.

Don't let your first child get ornery! Jenny Heckman and I are offering a 6-week marriage intensive this fall for 8 couples. We have a few spots left - DM me to reserve yours!

06/02/2021

Working out the intricacies of connection in a relationship requires knowing one’s own motives and mindset going in. Here are 2 to watch out for and a 3rd option as a healthy place to land:

You are needy in the relationship. Neediness can be expressed in many different ways, but the underlying thought or feeling behind neediness is “I’M NOT OK.” Common thoughts or verbalizations can sound like this:

- I’m not OK by myself. I need you to fix my loneliness.
- I need you to take care of my emotions. Make me happy.
- I need to be able to help you.
- I need you to cure my addiction.
- If you don’t ____ then I won’t be OK.

These are all statements that come from a place of deep neediness that one’s partner simply cannot solve.

You are independent in the relationship. Whether people know it or not, they do exist in serious and committed relationships trying to live as independently from their partner as is possible while still trying to maintain some connection. Here are common thoughts or verbalizations that express this:

- I will not be changed. I will not be moved.
- I will not be transparent or show vulnerabilities.
- I should not have to ask for help. My partner should just know.
- I should have all the right answers at all the right times.
- I can say “I love you.” Saying “I miss you” or “I need you” is difficult.

The healthier third option is having needs. This is the place of healthy dependence where each person understands their strengths, their weaknesses and is experiencing teamwork with whatever it is that a couple has in front of them. This couple . . .

- Understands the difference between supporting and fixing
- Complements each other in their strengths and weaknesses instead of being offended or threatened by them
- Have both people asking for help and seeking to help
- Experiences connection in good times, mundane times, and rough times

04/29/2021

“I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!” It’s easy to blurt that out without much thought, but oftentimes, this is NOT AN HONEST statement that people say to themselves or someone else. Try these 4 more honest statements on for size:

“I know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.” How does a person get to the “want to”? Usually, it is about movement - brain movement, hand movement, feet movement, body movement. Start small. Start here. Start now. Getting a little bit of traction does a lot to get the “want to” part of us activated - so essential!

“I know what to do, but I don’t know how to do it.” From fixing a flat to bringing that big presentation to the board of directors or earning that master's degree - there are tasks we know we need to do, but may not be sure how to do them. How can you educate yourself? Who or what can guide you until you know what to do? Where can you ask for help?

“I know what to do, but I am afraid to do it.” Say it. Admit you are afraid. Fear is part of the human condition, but a very bad rudder for life. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of what others might think. Fear of losing a relationship. What can you do to gain courage for that thing you are facing? Who or what can you resource yourself with that will instill courage?

“I know what to do, but I don’t have the strength for it.” Simply put - you need to recharge your batteries. The lumberjack needs to stop and sharpen his ax. Strength often comes in the form of doing the small things (eating, sleeping, exercise, silence) that we tend to ignore over time leaving us feeling depleted and unable to face the challenge ahead.

Catch yourself saying "I don't know what to do" and find for yourself a better statement you most resonate with and what you can do to address it.

04/18/2021

3 Marriage Postures
In order for a marriage to be healthy and balanced, there are 3 “postures” (2 good & 1 bad) that couples share with each other that need to be paid attention to:

The first posture is shoulder to shoulder and the FOCUS is on something outside of the couple that they are paying attention to together. This includes shared activities and responsibilities that couples can and should do together. Think about all of the possibilities - household responsibilities (laundry, bills, dishes, snow shoveling, etc.), parenting responsibilities (school activities, vacation planning, discipline, family game night, etc.), or plain old fun (hiking, hobbies, time with friends, etc.).

The second posture is face to face and the FOCUS is on the couple and the dynamics that exist directly between them. This includes date nights, sexual intimacy, and quality communication about how the marriage and each person in the relationship are really doing. In the face-to-face posture, the couple understands that they need time to shut out the world and make sure they just focus on one another.

The third posture is back to back and the FOCUS is away from each other. This is a negative posture to hold and couples should be aware of this one sneaking its way in. This posture communicates disinterest or a lack of attention. Children, work, family issues, or unresolved conflict are some of the culprits that move a couple into a back-to-back posture that slowly draws the life out of the marriage.

What posture is most noticeable in your marriage right now? Where are you weak? Where are you strong? What needs to be done to move you out of a back-to-back posture that might be present?

02/07/2021

People often ask me what types of issues I enjoy dealing with the most. That is difficult to answer because a symptom can manifest itself in many different ways from client to client. What I do know, however, is that one of my favorite counseling practices is “conjoint couples therapy”, which involves 2 therapists working with the couple. The benefit to this type of couples counseling is that each person has their own “go-to” therapist and individual sessions are occasionally interspersed in between the couples sessions.

The benefits to this type of couple’s counseling are numerous. Selfishly, as the therapist, I don’t have to work extra hard to maintain neutrality and worry about aligning too strongly with one person. The couple gets the benefit of two therapists offering insights and encouragement and collaborating together to work out what will be best for the couple. The individual sessions allow a person to debrief the couple’s sessions and not have to worry about being careful with their words or editing thoughts to avoid creating tension.

The downside? Cost - each person is billed separately for his/her therapist. Conjoint couples counseling will roughly be in the 250 range for most of the couples we work with. Another downside is logistics. It is more difficult to coordinate the schedules of 4 people. Neither of these downsides is insurmountable, however. One question to consider (if it applies to you) . . . how much money was spent on your wedding day? 5, 10, 25 thousand or more? Once you have that number, compare it to how much has been spent directly on your marriage since then. If you were to add up how much you have spent directly on marriage resources (books, counseling, retreats, etc.), would that number come even close? I suspect for many it doesn’t.

I do most of my conjoint couples therapy with Jenny Heckman, LPC. We have experienced a good deal of success with the couples we have worked with. We work hard at being on the same page with each couple we have whether a couple is pre-marital, in need of a tune-up, or barely keeping their relationship afloat. If you or your partner has considered couples counseling, I encourage you to give conjoint therapy a try!

TGL Wellness - Tyler Loomis counseling services

11/08/2022

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07/29/2022

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09/04/2021

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07/30/2021

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