06/26/2025
Parents are pretty curious when I tell them not to force an apology. I always encourage reflection around, what am I wanting my child to learn in this experience? Most of the time we want our child to simply practice empathy, or an understanding of how our choice has impacted others. We are able to walk our children through these experiences and help them learn skills. An empty, “I’m sorry” does not teach a skill.
I encourage parents to read through Dr. Becky at Good Inside’s explanation below on other options we have in the moment with our child.
Why is apologizing so hard for kids *and* adults? If your child refuses to say “sorry,” take a breath. We’ve all been there. Yes, even me.
Refusing to apologize doesn’t mean your child is mean or cold-hearted. It usually means they’re overwhelmed with shame.
Shame says: “I’m bad,” not “I did something bad.” And when kids feel bad about who they are, they feel their character is under attack, they have to use all of their energy to defend their “goodness.” And so they freeze or get defiant.
Here’s the good news: you can show them a different path. Instead of forcing an apology, meet their shame with safety and connection. Say “It’s hard to find your apology voice. I’ll use mine for now.” Then model a repair with warmth and ownership.
This isn’t letting them off the hook. It’s building the foundation for true accountability - rooted in connection, not fear. When shame steps back, repair steps in.