Blog Before Bald

09/06/2022

Survivors Guilt,
It could be cancer, chronic illness, heart attack, SIDS, or any death.

There will always be someone affected by it.

“Why?” That’s the question everyone reaches for.

Standing by a casket seeing them in a state you’ve never seen them. tears bead up on your face and that ball of rage sits stiff in your chest. You sit through the whole sermon in silence pain with some sniffles.

Why them? Why now? Something like that could happen to me. Why wasn’t it me?
Your mind ping pongs back and forth for days on end till full grief sits in.

I’ve sat on those first few pews too many times. Feeling what all you’ve felt. Battling the same battle that someone in the casket fought. That pain hits different. Surviving while someone else lost the fight HURTS. We don’t have the answers to it all. We aren’t suppose to question it.

That doesn’t heal the brokenness inside you. Knowing they aren’t in pain helps but that doesn’t heal your broken heart.

My token today is feel the pain. Don’t run from it. Feel it hard, take your time… be angry. Be sad, you have every right to be.

After you catch your breath- call a friend. Schedule a pedicure. Plan a brunch date with a friend. Book the vacation. Hug your sister.

Life is short. you don’t know when your final sleep will be so for those who have passed- L.I.V.E.

09/05/2022

Managing life with cancer is one of the most awkward situations to be in.

You as the patient are dealing with the weight of your condition and also consumed by the weight you are added to others. If you don’t have anxiety before this journey; you will soon develop it.

You want to be strong as nails on the outside, caring as if it’s your last impression to others, and brave for those around you. But there are days all you want to do is throw in the white flag and curl into the fetal position. Which everyone would understand but your pride won’t allow it till you are well pushed past your managing point.

It doesn’t matter how large a village is- you will feel alone many times in this.

Everyone assumes people are blowing you up or your family asking how you are but many times the silence is consuming. Friends and family feel uncomfortable asking or doing in fear of “bugging” or bothering you. They don’t know how to handle you being sick and all you want to scream is to treat me like I’m normal.

Someone with cancer will not ask you for help. The sense of little pride they have is doing the tasks they once did. Attempting to keep afloat in normal is the hardest thing when your battle is in the way.

The best thing to do with a friend who is obviously having a hard time managing is showing up and doing. They might be upset, I sure as heck was. Like how dare someone think I can’t upkeep or manage clutter?? My mom, sister, and sister in law broke in my house while I wasn’t here and helped clean.

It’s easier to relax in a home and space that is clean. It’s exactly what I needed. I was upset that I wasn’t able to do all of that. You have to find your new normal and let go of your old normal. Because you might never be able to be that person again. It’s sad but it’s the truth.

Your life will never be the same after cancer. That sentence will always bring me to tears. But it’s a hard pill you must swallow every morning.

Cheers to the new normal
with a lot of help and many tears🥂

09/04/2022

You have cancer.

That pill is hard to swallow. Some people it takes days to process. Others are able to make the phone call to others and say “I was told I have cancer”… then they wait for tears or the numbing silence.

I personally believe it is something that strikes your mental health so deep it’s worse than cancer itself. The mental weight of processing your given a death sentence is brutal. That sheer sentence has put me on my knees twice, out of anger. My first emotion was rage, little did I understand it’s part of the grief cycle. I now compare it to the twelve steps of getting sober.

At some point you hit rock bottom, whatever it may be. You admit and accept I have cancer and I will do whatever in my power to stay alive for those around me. You have to find strength in a higher power, for some that’s religion and sometimes you can’t find that for awhile. Or many people I know have found comfort in the power they have for themselves in healing. You need some pillar of strength because it’s a bumpy ride. You make amends with those around you because the fear of leaving this planet without telling those around you that you are sorry and there’s so much bigger things in life is consuming.

Remember this when someone tells you they have cancer. Be there for them in the RAGE. Be the support they need in the anger in the beginning. They need someone beside them not on their knees in front of them praying. Being told “I’ll pray for you” and “remember gods timing is always right” isn’t what we need. We need a life vest in the drowning water we are in. Not told to pray while your on a boat just sailing away.

Finding religion takes time in this. Finding the beauty in it takes time. Hold that person, let them say the grievances or just silent pain… don’t pray them away to the point you forget they are consumed with it.

Be a life vest, not just a light house.
They need pulled out of the water not just pointed to the way out.

09/04/2022