Living In Clarity: TCK Identity Coaching

04/14/2025

I wanted to write this for any TCKs who are on a spiritual journey and genuinely trying to figure out who they are.

What is a spiritual journey? It often starts when you realize you can’t keep thinking, feeling, or living the way you always have, and you start looking for answers about who you truly are. There’s a small voice inside you that starts speaking louder about what you want and need. And if you’re not living in alignment with that, life can start to feel unbearable — the tension between your innermost self and the version of you that had to adapt to everything and everyone else becomes too much. Your search for identity goes beyond ethnicity or culture; it becomes something much deeper.

In everyday life, it might look like this:

- You’re tired of a career that doesn’t feel right.
- You’re tired of moving from place to place and never finding what you’re looking for.
- You’re tired of feeling anxious and unsure about what to do.
- You know there’s someone inside you who’s capable of so much more, if only those past experiences hadn’t shaped you the way they did.
- And you’re tired of defining yourself through your struggles. The TCK label, or any label, isn't helping you.

For some, this might come as a full-blown spiritual awakening or identity crisis. For others, it’s a quieter discomfort that never quite goes away. Either way, if this sounds familiar, you’re not alone — and there is a way forward.

If this is you, know that it is possible to find yourself. But it takes deep introspection and emotional work. It's not about trying to immerse yourself in a particular culture or building an identity you can be at peace with. It's more about undoing the things that pulled you away from being yourself in the first place.

There are two questions I often come back to when I'm helping others through this struggle:

1. What are your beliefs about yourself, other people, and life?
2. Where did you learn that? (Or: Who taught you that?)

If you feel like you don’t belong, even when people genuinely want to connect with you, where did you learn that?

If you believe you’re not good enough, even though you’re kind, capable, and intelligent, where did you learn that?

If you find yourself constantly adapting to others while ignoring what you really want, where did you learn that?

For many of us, a lot of these beliefs come from emotional experiences — sometimes subtle, sometimes overwhelming — that left a mark. And if no one ever gave you the space to process how uncomfortable or painful those moments were, those emotions are probably still with you.

The good news is, it’s not too late. You can unlearn what’s no longer true. And when that happens, the past stops defining you, and you begin to uncover who you really are.

This post won’t speak to everyone, and that’s okay. But if it speaks to you, I hope it offers some clarity, and maybe even a place to start.

12/26/2024

The holidays can be an interesting time for a TCK.

For me, I’ve always been grateful that my TCK experience has kept me from feeling overly attached to any particular holiday. While many people genuinely enjoy this season, I also know it can be a stressful or uncomfortable time for some people—especially when it feels like you’re being pulled into activities or gatherings with people you don’t fully connect with. Not being part of these gatherings can also bring up its own feelings of loneliness or not belonging.

If you’ve been feeling more disconnected than usual during this season—whether it’s been Christmas, New Year’s, or other holiday gatherings—it might be an opportunity to pause and reflect:

💭 Why aren’t certain moments enjoyable for you?
💭 What feels off or out of alignment?
💭 Are the issues related to culture, something deeper, or both?

Sometimes, getting clear on what you don’t like can help you understand what you do like—and that understanding can tell you something important about yourself.

Feel free to share your thoughts below if this resonates, or if you'd like, simply take a moment to sit with these questions.

Wishing you moments of calm and ease as you step into the new year.

08/23/2024

This post is inspired by two notable TCKs making headlines — US presidential candidate Kamala Harris and former president Barack Obama. While this isn't about politics, I wanted to share some thoughts about them as TCKs.

Have you ever wondered how they became such successful and inspiring leaders? Despite their upbringing as TCKs and minorities, and immense challenges in a demanding field, they still radiate hope, joy, fearlessness, compassion, empathy, and knowing and embracing exactly who they are. Why aren’t they weighed down by the typical “TCK struggles?”

I believe that it's because despite whatever hardships they may have encountered growing up, they had a source of unconditional love that taught them healthy beliefs about themselves and about life — that they are enough, they can trust in others and in life, and that they are capable of achieving whatever their hearts desire.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to grow up with unconditional love. When we don't, we can carry misbeliefs such as we aren’t good enough, don’t belong, lack control over our lives, or aren’t allowed to assert who we truly are. (I once did. 🙋🏻‍♀️)

But we don’t have to remain prisoners to these kinds of beliefs. By healing the experiences that shaped them, we can create new beliefs and cultivate the same joy, resilience, and connection to ourselves and others as our two TCK role models and find success in whatever path we choose.

What beliefs are holding you back from being truly happy with yourself and your life? Are you open to the possibility of challenging them?

05/09/2024

Many of my clients come to me saying that they don’t know who they are and that they feel lost. Sometimes, they’ll be able to articulate that they feel like they can’t fit in with a specific cultural group. But they’re at a loss as to how to begin to resolve their identity issues.

My answer is always to start with looking at what’s showing up in their daily life. What is giving them stress and anxiety? For example, they may say that they’re anxious about starting a new project at work. You may think, what does this have to do with being a TCK and having identity issues?

When we break down what the anxiety is about, we end up finding out that it’s about their fear about not being prepared and knowledgeable, about not wanting to make a mistake or fail, or wanting to be approved. This ends up leading to a past scenario when they were in a new country feeling completely unprepared, not having the same knowledge as others, and not being approved by their peers or even their own family. The client realizes that their self-doubt and need for approval led them to lose their sense of self, repeatedly, and over decades.

The focus of our work is to work through the emotional impact of the key scenarios that led them there. This is how a client finds their way back to their identity.

One single challenge in your daily life is all that’s needed to start uncovering your identity.

05/01/2024

We each go through our own journeys navigating our challenges as humans and as TCKs. There’s no right or wrong way. But if you’ve tried different things and you're tired of your identity issues and other challenges as a TCK, I’d like to offer my perspective on what might help you move towards resolution.

04/20/2024

In my work with clients as a coach, I'm always struck by the parallels that I see between my clients who resonate with traits of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) and those who struggle with a sense of belonging and identity due to their upbringing as TCKs.

While some of my TCK clients' challenges are certainly related to moving around and dealing with uncertainties and insecurities around being in a foreign environment and feeling different from others, I find that a majority of their challenges have to do with dealing with human challenges — especially relationship and communication challenges with family, peers, coworkers, and strangers. When they are HSPs, the impacts of these challenges are felt even greater.

If you think you might be an HSP, join us in the online event below to start teasing apart whether your challenges have to do with only being a TCK or whether they might also have to do with being an HSP.

We’re excited to share this new online event! This 90-minute interactive class goes beyond the commonly discussed traits of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) of sensory, emotional, or energetic sensitivity. Join us to discover lesser-known traits and challenges, and explore their root causes. Whether you're new to the term HSP or already familiar, this class offers valuable insights for anyone who is kind, caring, and introspective, and is curious about whether they may be an HSP or eager about exploring the underlying causes of their life's challenges.

To learn more and to enroll, visit www.hspconversations.com.

11/28/2023

Last week, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my favorite musical artists, Kishi Bashi, and his new documentary film Omoiyari — a Japanese word that loosely translates to empathy and compassion.

In the film, Kishi Bashi explores the history of the Japanese internment camps in the U.S. during WWII. As he learns about the cultural oppression and forced assimilation that the Japanese internees experienced, he explores his own identity issues as a second-generation Japanese American and his past efforts to assimilate and self-suppress his Japanese cultural background in order to fit in.

I was surprised to learn that he had experienced identity issues. When I first discovered his music back in 2012 with his debut album 151a, I felt that his music was an antidote to my identity issues. Hearing his songs, all of my being lit up, “This is me!” His music was (and still is) a unique and complex mix of English and Japanese words, poetic, romantic, sad, joyful, and a surprising and rich kaleidoscope of sounds. It was difficult to label or put in a box. But it was beautiful and perfect as it was. His performance style was also one of a kind and unapologetic. I didn’t care about whether he was Japanese or American — I thought his identity was just him, the entire package of who he was. It made me feel good about my own uniqueness and complexity.

I’ve since affirmed over time that the ultimate antidote to identity issues isn’t about figuring out a way to label yourself or to find a way to fit in. The ultimate antidote is self-acceptance.

But the path to self-acceptance isn’t easy. I wish I could say that Kishi Bashi’s music resolved my identity issues, but it was a stepping stone in my journey. Self-acceptance comes with acknowledging the pains of the past when you weren’t accepted, deep healing, and understanding. Self-acceptance usually doesn’t come intellectually. Deep healing occurs on an emotional/energetic level, which is what makes it so challenging.

If you’ve been on a healing path and feel stuck, or if you’re thinking about starting on this path, I’d like to share one thought that was inspired by the film.

Omoiyari was ultimately about fostering empathy and compassion for the socially oppressed so we can attain greater social justice. I often find that TCKs are naturally very empathic. It’s easy for many of us to feel compassion for others who are suffering. The question is, if you can feel empathy and compassion for someone else, can you also extend that same empathy and compassion towards yourself for whatever you may be experiencing now or have experienced in the past? If you see someone who is feeling sad, scared, or angry because they were judged or rejected, would you give them kindness? What if that someone were you?

Healing starts with allowing yourself to be kind to yourself. May we all allow ourselves to have omoiyari towards ourselves.

08/30/2023

Are you a TCK struggling with identity issues and who's been told at some point in your life that you were "too sensitive" or to "toughen up?"

If you're deeply emotional, empathic, and kind, you may have felt pressure to suppress these qualities in order to "get by." But what if rejecting your emotional sensitivity is actually contributing to your identity issues?

In my new blog post, I explore the possible impacts of rejecting our emotional sensitivity and empathy, and how we can reverse this pattern — if we choose to. I also discuss the surprising personal benefits of embracing these qualities.

As an Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Practitioner, Identity Coach, and Third Culture Kid (TCK) dedicated to supporting other TCKs, I've been on a profound journey of self-discovery and understanding how our identity forms through cultural and less obvious experiences. In a previous blog, I discu...

05/19/2023

I often work with TCKs who identify as being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or an empath. In this article, I discuss some ways in which the challenges of being an HSP or empath can add complexity to your challenges as a TCK, and how addressing your challenges as an HSP or empath can play a key part in working through your identity issues.

In my practice, I often work with individuals who identify as being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or an empath. The term Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) was coined by psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron in the 1990s to describe individuals who are more sensitive to sensory and emotional stimuli than others...

05/05/2023

The question "Where are you from?" is something that many Third Culture Kids (TCKs) dread. It epitomizes the TCK struggle with identity.

The question "Where are you from?" is something that many Third Culture Kids (TCKs) dread. It epitomizes the TCK struggle with identity. I remember a time when Facebook used to prominently display one's hometown on a profile, and another TCK I knew fittingly wrote, "Alien." I imagined that, like me,...