Its truly amusing when I reflect upon the cycles of my life. If I were to map out the sequence, it would always look the same. Quiet whispers toward new aspirations begin to catch my attention, just beneath the realm of conscious thought. Not long after that, if I listen, they become louder and more frequent. More insistent. Creative ideas mixed with tickled feelings begin to spark out of nowhere, showing up as abstract plans and unformed images. Then, conversations strike up with people that resonate with me on a deeper level. If I continue to listen, they begin to take shape....usually in the form of something that requires a small or big change. A choice. A decision to move from the comfort of well-known circumstances, to novel and unknown circumstances.
In the past, if I had known then what I know now, maybe I would have listened to the quiet whispers. Or maybe I would have acted on the synchronicities and coincidences that emerged in those conversations or creative thoughts. Sometimes I did. Other times, though...and more often than not, I listened to something else. Another voice.
Just like the magnetic power of the moon pushing the tide closer and closer, in flowed that familiar wave of resistance, washing in all manner of doubts and debris my from the old, socially conditioned part of my psyche. The feelings behind those waves of debris was FEAR. I believe it was Dr. Wayne Dyer who raised the notion of fear as “False Evidence Appearing Real”. There have been many times in my life when I have lost myself in that tidal wave of fear.
Fear also starts as a quiet and seductive whisper. If you listen, it gains more and more momentum. The whispers become a soundtrack in the back of the mind, that plays on a semi-conscious but constant loop. For many people, those whispers begin to morph into a concrete and clear list of practical reasons why the spark that was felt was not real, or why the changes you are considering are just not prudent. And if you expose your ideas or ask the advice of most people when considering taking a risk, most will be more than happy to reinforce and punctuate those whispers and lists for you. Case closed. “Don’t jump”.
In noticing these cycles and patterns in my past, I realize now how far the power of those fears pushed my dreams further from my focus. Over time, I found myself enduring long periods of lifeless pursuits, shrouded in professional ambition. Most of the time it was very easy to hide behind the pressure of daily demands, chores and external distractions. Obligations and energy that took me far out of my center of truth, but momentarily seemed very important. In those times, depending on how far off of my path I strayed, I began to lose sight of myself and who I really am. The self-worth that I had cultivated was based on the world of external rewards, income, status and in some cases, accolades. Of course there were intermittent flashes of pride and feelings of internal worth based on my external accomplishments. In my field, I had many, many opportunities to experience moments of deep resonance with my work, and also feel such connection to the children and parents with whom I worked so closely. I knew it from their expressions of gratitude, but I also knew it within my deeper self. These moments were real. They were special and I treasure each and everyone that I shared a felt experience with. But, those moments of gratitude, connection and healing ultimately kept me tethered to a life that no longer fit me. Not fully. So, instead of moving on to a better fit, I embarked upon a lonely pursuit of acceptance, from myself and others, because that acceptance and gratitude kept me hanging on. The moments of true help and healing that were there fueled my desire to do more of that. My spirit would be crying inside, “ more of THAT, please!”
During the periods of mundane pursuit and meeting others’ demands on the daily, gave way to an empty neediness. Fruitless attempts to seek approval. Sometimes I looked for approval from people that I admired, yet I also sought the approval of others who’s agendas were suspect, always in conflict with mine, and yet they pushed and pushed against my often flimsy boundaries of compromise. So, I caved under that pressure more times than I care to admit. This added exponentially to the listlessness of my spirit. These periods lasted months, years, and sometimes decades. Like walking around in a pair of really expensive, but only semi- comfortable shoes. They look so good on you, but make you so tired and depleted by the end of a day. You know, the kind that you just can’t wait to kick off when you get home, so you can slip on a comfy pair of slippers? And that is what I did. For years. Fooling myself into thinking that I could hang in there, as long as I could kick off the shoes, cuddle up with my dog, and hide from the world until it was time to put them on, and do it all over again the next day.
It did not always feel this way. The intrinsic satisfaction of my work fueled my pursuits for at least 2 decades. But as time wore on those feelings diminished almost to nonexistence. There were times when I felt good and right where I needed to be. But in time, there were many more times when the stress of being in those shoes, squeezing me relentlessly all day, reached a breaking point. They hurt so badly all day long that I was not sure if I’d make it. Then out of the blue, someone would step on my already crushing toes. Whether intentionally, or accidentally, it felt like I was going to fall apart, right there onto the floor.
After a while, the ache of such moments string themselves together into such a flaming inner rage, that there’s nothing to do, but boil over. Those moments were once whispers too, but also become as loud and insistent as the sparks and whispers of those dreams we once had, whether we want to listen or not! And they rage more powerful than that tide full of fear that held you back. Those feelings of rage were more powerful than all the obstacles, money, time, or emotional investment that kept you stuck inside of a pair of shoes that hadn’t fit you in years. Those shoes prevented you from stepping into the fullness of your true nature. The truly joyous, living being that you were born to be!
In my life, those ill-fitting shoes have shown up as many things. A person I needed to leave behind, a job I needed move on from, an apartment, or even a city filled with friends or family that I truly love and miss.
I moved from Buffalo to Boston in 1990. It felt that way, as I began making the decision to leave. It followed that familiar sequence. The end of college, the breakup with the college boyfriend, the feeling of impossible loneliness in a city that no longer felt like home. That gave rise to the need for creating something new. New sparks to ignite. A young woman’s desire to fly away from a home that she knew, but had outgrown. To fly toward the unknown, in order for her grow into her Self.
I have recently just moved back to Buffalo from Boston this past August. That familiar path that led to my decision this time, was a very bumpy one. Now I find myself back home again. Here from whence I sprung. I have a bright and newfound spark, that includes new hopes and new aspirations. The shoes are less pricey, but look great, feel great and I feel beautiful in them. Most of my loved ones and friends that I once left behind are miraculously still here! 29 years later. And it feels like they have welcomed me with open arms. I feel like I have come home again.
Most importantly and profoundly, with 50-some years in my rear-view, I also feel like I have now truly come home to myself. And it feels like the very first time.
Do not let fear keep you from your truest self. Listen to the whispers of your dreams, and you will find that getting back to the “you” that you truly are, is all that you need to feel like you have come home.
