Bigler Counseling

09/26/2015

Marriage Reconciliation Counseling

You have a fractured relationship, feeling it can never exist again. In this situation you are at odds with respect to your version of events. You both feel there must be agreement on your version of events, without which a return to the relationship cannot be considered. Trouble is, each of you believes it is the other who will undertake to change or at least that the other person will change first.

I recommend that you enter reconciliation counseling. The purpose of this process is the belief that the other both spouse is in need of making amends, revising their position and to apologize. I want you to understand the point is that reconciliation counseling is not about changing the past or even requiring agreement on prior positions.

Reconciliation accepts there will be different versions of past events and a lot of prior upset as a result.
Reconciliation counseling is a “go forward” proposition. The thrust is future oriented and accepts that some hurts cannot be undone.

With a future orientation, you jointly have an opportunity to:
(a) Set new ground rules for the re-establishment and maintenance of your relationship.
(b) Or you may enter the process with little or no trust of each other bat the present.
Given the obvious prior disruptions to the relationship, you have little trust. But that is alright since that is the goal of our reconciliation work with each other. Further, trust is not a pre-condition to reconciliation nor is it even expected in the beginning of the reconciliation process.

You enter the process of reconciliation anticipating a degree of risk and it is that perceived risk that must be managed in the process. Hence structures will be put in place to mitigate risk, allow the you to re-engage and over time develop trust – which is the outcome of ongoing reasonable behavior.

How long counseling continues or the time necessary for the re-establishment of trust depends upon a number of factors. Those factors include:
a) the degree of prior hurt and upset,
b) your commitment to changing prior unacceptable behavior,
c) your willingness to engage in the reconciliation process, and
d) the degree to which the relationship is actually valued by you both and those who are involved with you (family and friends).

The process tends to be hard work in the beginning especially. It remains fragile until some time into the process when you both finally begin to let down your guard and actually risk trusting again.

It can be fraught with setbacks with both of you acting hypersensitive to the other, looking for clues to justify an ongoing lack of trust.

Persons outside of the process may hamper the progress seeking to keep one of you or both you as their ally safe from harm such as might have befallen you in the past. Hence while you engage in the process yourselves, attention may be required to manage the input of the onlookers and support systems (family and friends).

Successful reconciliation allows relationships to return, which in turn is meant to foster the well being of you both. The belief is that given reconciliation and establishment of a relationship on new and healthy terms, you will fare better in life than with ongoing hostility and a fractured relationship. Some consider it worth the risk and others may never believe the other party capable and hence avoid or undermine the process to keep their distance.

One never knows at the outset what the outcome will be. Each of you will do your own cost-benefit analysis of your consideration to participate. Some degree of risk is assumed.

Reconciliation counseling does work for some. For many, the potential gain outweighs the risk.



Lewis R. Bigler,
M. Div., MA, AAPC Diplomate, LMHC
Family/Couple/Individual Counselor/Mediator
At North Church
300 North Forest Road
Williamsville, NY 1422

716-634-0658 www.Biglercounseling.com

Lew Bigler has more than 40 years experience as a Diplomate in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors as a Family, Couple and Individual Counselor for rebuilding and renewing relationships and assisting individuals.

09/25/2015

Does Domestic Violence
Injure the Children? … Part II

When there is domestic violence you asked what happens when there is little consideration given to the emotional and psychological aftermath and the children. Because this damage can last for years and years and affects not only the adult who is the target of the violence but also the many family relationships.

Other children may in fact align with the perpetrator and participate in the violation of the affected parent. These children grow to become bullies in their own right whose behavior the violated parent cannot control and whose behavior is reinforced by the perpetrator.

If the parental relationship ends, children may be subject to custody and access disputes locking them into an ongoing parental conflict.

Some children will seek relief themselves from the perpetrator. However, the perpetrator may not believe or accept that their child is uncomfortable, scared, upset or angry with them. Promises of better behavior are met with scepticism.

Children may align with the violated parent because of that parent’s distress. The child may be forever unforgiving to the perpetrator. Efforts by the perpetrator to reconcile with the child directly may therefore prove unsuccessful.

The child may be influenced directly or indirectly by the affected parent or in his or her own right may reasonably be forever fearful and suspicious of the perpetrator.

In more extreme cases, due to size differential and the relative maturity of the child, the child may harbor feelings and thoughts of the perpetrator as quite larger than life.

Fears, real and/or imagined, may intrude the child’s conscious and unconscious mind causing them to hide or avoid detection by the perpetrator. Their behavior can become organized by these fears and affect all manner of relationships thereafter as well as school and then vocational participation and performance.

The impact of domestic violence is not restricted to the violent act and physical harm caused. The impact of domestic violence thus reaches to immediate and extended family. As affected persons interact with the world, they too carry the aftermath with them and through their interactions, into the rest of the world. The impact of domestic violence next shows itself through fractured and altered relationships and learned behaviours of the affected persons who in turn make their imprint on others.

Needless to say, domestic violence is not a good thing. Nor is the impact isolated to the direct victim.

Lew Bigler
North Church
300 North Forest Road
Williamsville, NY 14221
716-634-0658
Biglercounseling.com
and
Biglercounseling.com
4476 Main Street, Suite 204
Amherst (Snyder) New York 14226
716-634-0658

09/24/2015

Does Domestic Violence
Injure the Children? … Part I

When there is domestic violence you asked what happens when there is little consideration given to the emotional and psychological aftermath and the children. Because this damage can last for years and years and affects not only the adult who is the target of the violence but also the many family relationships.

Other children may in fact align with the perpetrator and participate in the violation of the affected parent. These children grow to become bullies in their own right whose behavior the violated parent cannot control and whose behavior is reinforced by the perpetrator.

If the parental relationship ends, children may be subject to custody and access disputes locking them into an ongoing parental conflict.

Some children will seek relief themselves from the perpetrator. However, the perpetrator may not believe or accept that their child is uncomfortable, scared, upset or angry with them. Promises of better behavior are met with scepticism.

Children may align with the violated parent because of that parent’s distress. The child may be forever unforgiving to the perpetrator. Efforts by the perpetrator to reconcile with the child directly may therefore prove unsuccessful.

The child may be influenced directly or indirectly by the affected parent or in his or her own right may reasonably be forever fearful and suspicious of the perpetrator.

In more extreme cases, due to size differential and the relative maturity of the child, the child may harbour feelings and thoughts of the perpetrator as quite larger than life.

Fears, real and/or imagined, may intrude the child’s conscious and unconscious mind causing them to hide or avoid detection by the perpetrator. Their behavior can become organized by these fears and affect all manner of relationships thereafter as well as school and then vocational participation and performance.

The impact of domestic violence is not restricted to the violent act and physical harm caused. The impact of domestic violence thus reaches to immediate and extended family. As affected persons interact with the world, they too carry the aftermath with them and through their interactions, into the rest of the world. The impact of domestic violence next shows itself through fractured and altered relationships and learned behaviours of the affected persons who in turn make their imprint on others.

Needless to say, domestic violence is not a good thing. Nor is the impact isolated to the direct victim.

Lew Bigler
North Church
300 North Forest Road
Williamsville, NY 14221
and
Biglercounseling.com
4476 Main Street, Suite 204
Amherst (Snyder) New York 14226
716-634-0658

09/11/2015

RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP

Marital recovery includes many controversial recommendations. Becoming each other's favorite recreational companions doesn't sound too controversial at first. It’s when you try to implement a plan to achieve that objective that the controversy arises.

You're probably with me when it comes to the goal -- to become each other's favorite recreational companions.

You would agree that to do so would make massive love deposits in both of your lives. And it would be done almost effortlessly as you enjoy your recreational time together. The problem comes up in finding mutually enjoyable activities that can compete with the mutually exclusive activities that you have created over time.

I recommend that you abandon these activities, at least until you have become each other's favorite recreational companions by finding mutually enjoyable substitutes.

If your partner can’t enjoy hunting, you may go a season without participating in your favorite recreational activity while trying to discover those mutually enjoyable activities. And you will probably feel somewhat resentful during that time. But when you finally discover them, your resentment will end, and you will have set your marriage on a track that will sustain your love for each other.

Your partner may join in hunting activity in the sense that their whole family goes together with the hunter to a location that all can enjoy their own activity. But even more important, that special person is his favorite recreational companion, since whenever he's doing something that requires a recreational companion, she's with him, and she's his favorite.

As you learn to become each other's favorite recreational companions, you will make many discoveries about what you like and don't like recreationally. Eventually, you will find several activities that are so mutually enjoyable that they will make you just as happy as hunting does. When that happens, you may hunt every fall without fear of it ruining your marriage – if you come to an enthusiastic agreement.

But be careful never to let it compete with the activities that you enjoy together. In other words, when you find something you enjoy more than what you do when you are together, abandon it until your time together rises above that level of enjoyment. I give you that warning because the contrast effect -- whatever you enjoy most will make less enjoyable activities seem boring in contrast -- will ruin your time together. Any activity apart from your partner that is more enjoyable than the activities you share with your partner will threaten your marriage.

But then, if what you do together is more enjoyable than anything you could do apart, why would you want to waste your time being apart?

07/29/2015

THE STATES OF MARRIAGE
When we are happy and in love we are usually in the state of intimacy.
The mind is controlled by the GIVER and to do whatever you can to make your partner happy and avoid anything that makes your partner unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy.
It may be good for your partner but can be disastrous for you because you are not negotiating with your own interests in mind.
As long as we are happy, our TAKER has nothing to do, but when we start feeling unhappy, our TAKER rises to our rescue and triggers the state of conflict.
The TAKER is now in charge and we do whatever can make us happy, and avoid anything that makes us unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. We become demanding, disrespectful, and angry to force our partner to make us happy.
Fighting is the TAKERS favorite “negotiating” strategy.

When fighting does not work we are still unhappy. The TAKER encourages us to take a new course of action that triggers the state of withdrawal.

Instead of trying to force our partner to make us happy, our TAKER wants us to give up on our partner entirely. We do; not want our partner to do anything for us nor do we want to do anything for our partner.

When you arrive at the last spot your are probably “ready for emotional divorce.”

What we do in therapy is to work out:
How a couple can work their way back to the state of intimacy once they fInd themselves trapped in the state of withdrawal. How, once a couple is back into intimacy, you will learn how you can stay in intimacy.

Before you can make sound decisions about your relationship you will need to get off the roller coaster of unintelligible arguments, screams and withdrawal you are now into.

How can you get control of your emotional reactions long enough to use your intelligence to solve your problems?

I will give you the answers to those questions in my work with you in my office. It is a extremely valuable lesson to learn.

When we are happy and in love we are usually in the state of intimacy.
The mind is controlled by the GIVER and to do whatever you can to make your partner happy and avoid anything that makes your partner unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy.
It may be good for your partner but can be disastrous for you because you are not negotiating with your own interests in mind.

As long as we are happy, our TAKER has nothing to do, but when we start feeling unhappy, our TAKER rises to our rescue and triggers the state of conflict.
The TAKER is now in charge and we do whateve can make us happy, and avoid anything that makes us unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. We become demanding, disrespectful, and angry to force our partner to make us happy.
Fighting is the TAKERS favorite “negotiating” strategy.

When fighting does not work we are still unhappy. The TAKER encourages us to take a new course of action that triggers the state of withdrawal.

Instead of trying to force our partner to make us happy, our TAKER wants us to give up on our partner entirely. We do; not want our partner to do anything for us nor do we want to do anything for our partner.

When you arrive at the last spot you are probably “ready for emotional divorce.”

What we do in therapy is to work out:
How a couple can work their way back to the state of intimacy once they find themselves trapped in the state of withdrawal. How, once a couple is back into intimacy, you will learn how you can stay in intimacy.

Before you can make sound decisions about your relationship you will need to get off the roller coaster of unintelligible arguments, screams and withdrawal you are now into.

How can you get control of your emotional reactions long enough to use your intelligence to solve your problems?

I will give you the answers to those questions in my work with you in my office. It is a extremely valuable lesson to learn.

05/21/2015

FAMILY Bless the Coach

Be it t-ball, baseball, soccer or hockey, most little league coaches are there for the love of children. For some it’s even more personal. Their kid is on the team.

The value of participation by children in little league sports is manifold. Children get to learn the game, develop physical skills, social skills, sportsmanship and most of all have fun.

The attitude with which children enter little league sports is generally a reflection of their parent(s). So while most children enter sports with the above values in mind, some are given the impression by their parent(s) that winning is most valued over anything else in the experience. These children lose focus of the other values, instead learning to base the value of their experience on winning alone. With the focus on winning, all other values take a second seat. Hence sportsmanship goes out the window as does social skill development, not to mention fun. The only experience of value becomes skill development because that can facilitate winning.

For these children the love of play may be lost and their participation can become a job, often to fulfill parental wishes for a winner. Even anti-social skills may be reinforced if the behavior fulfills the pursuit of wining. Hence these kids are at risk of not learning sportsmanship behavior. For some, sportsmanship behavior is reinforced by parents who reward goals and winning over participation and fun.

Pity the coaches who may feel caught in the middle between parents pressuring for the win versus children seeking fun. Parental intrusions and demands upon their child can set up a tension not only for the child but also for the coach whose attention is now divided, needing to manage the parent(s). In the worst of cases, conflict erupts between parents whose focus is on winning versus coaches who focus is on participation and fun. In some cases the conflict turns ugly and in all circumstances this occurs in view of the children. As a result, there is no sportsmanship behavior being show nor any role modeled by the parent to all children witness to the event. Fun and participation is spoiled for all.

Children have enough on their plate attending to the demands of the game while trying to have fun. So it is also true for the coaches. Coaches only concern should be the children and facilitating the joy of the game. As unpaid volunteers, giving up their time for other’s children, they should be left to serve the children, not parental wishes for winners. The pursuit is participation and fun. When those goals are achieved the initiative for skill development and mastery of the game comes naturally to kids who want it.

If you really want your child to succeed at little league sports, sit back and enjoy the game. Let the coaches manage all else and be grateful they stepped up to the plate on behalf of your child. Their kids are likely there too.

04/09/2015

Abuse, Anger and Domestic Violence

Can you negotiate with an angry or violent partner? Impossible! Anger prevents any hope for negotiated agreements -- it prevents a husband and wife from loving each other.

Abusive behavior usually begins when a couple tries to resolve a conflict the wrong way. Instead of finding a solution that meets the conditions of a negotiated joint agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner), an effort is made by one partner to force a solution on the other. Resistance to the proposal is matched by increasing force until the partner browbeats the other into submission.

Every fight is an example of abuse because it uses the tactic of emotional or physical force to resolve a conflict instead of respect and thoughtfulness.

• One example is an abused wife who has not yet decided to separate from her husband to protect herself from his abuse.
• Another example is a husband whose wife has escaped to a shelter to avoid his abuse. He wants to know how to win her back.
• A third example is a wife who has run her husband out of the house with her abusive behavior. She wants to know how to get him to return to her.
• Still a fourth example is a man who thinks my definition of abuse is too broad. There is a no difference between abuse as an act of violence and abuse as a process.
• A fifth example is about abuse and alcohol -- a dangerous and sometimes deadly mixture.
• One more example is represented by the common questions, "Why do people who love each other fight so much

Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your partner because of any of these examples of abuse are used -- in fact, you probably do the opposite of what your partner wants if he or she is demanding, disrespectful, or angry. When you do what your partner needs and wants, you do it out of care and consideration. But if your partner is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your partner.

I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

04/09/2015

“I don’t love him/her anymore.”

Whenever you are inconsiderate of each other's feelings you destroy the love that you have for each other. The most common ways that you are likely to hurt each other with your thoughtlessness fall into six categories:
1. Selfish Demands,
2. Disrespectful Judgments,
3. Angry Outbursts,
4. Annoying Habits
5. Dishonesty
6. Independent Behavior

The first three of these problems are instinctive, yet thoughtless, ways to try to get what you want from each other. When a request doesn't work, a partner will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"). If that doesn't get the job done, a partner will try disrespectful judgments ("If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"). And then, when all of that fails, an angry outburst often represents the last ditch effort
("I'll see to it that you regret not having done it").

These three thoughtless acts fail to get what you need in your marriage -- and when you use them, you destroy the love your partner has for you. All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your partner to be unhappy, and that causes massive withdrawals of gifts of love to your partner.

Demands and Control
Partners who use demands and control to try to get their way not only fail, but also create defenses that make further negotiations almost impossible. They also cause partners to “fall out of love” with each other. We will need to work on a solution of this pattern.

Resentment over Issues of Control, Dependency and Identity, also stresses the importance of avoiding demands as a way to solve problems.

Disrespect
Disrespect is another way we damage our love for each other and it also prevents successful negotiation. For instance, if your partner believes something different than you, can you, or should you, try to change those beliefs?

04/07/2015

RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP

Marital recovery includes many controversial recommendations. Becoming each other's favorite recreational companions doesn't sound too controversial at first. It’s when you try to implement a plan to achieve that objective that the controversy arises.

You're probably with me when it comes to the goal -- to become each other's favorite recreational companions. You would agree that to do so would make massive love deposits in both of your lives. And it would be done almost effortlessly as you enjoy your recreational time together. The problem comes up in finding mutually enjoyable activities that can compete with the mutually exclusive activities that you have created over time. I recommend that you abandon these activities, at least until you have become each other's favorite recreational companions by finding mutually enjoyable substitutes.

If your partner can’t enjoy hunting, you may go a season without participating in your favorite recreational activity while trying to discover those mutually enjoyable activities. And you will probably feel somewhat resentful during that time. But when you finally discover them, your resentment will end, and you will have set your marriage on a track that will sustain your love for each other.

Your partner may join in hunting activity in the sense that their whole family goes together with the hunter to a location that all can enjoy their own activity. But even more important, that special person is his favorite recreational companion, since whenever he's doing something that requires a recreational companion, she's with him, and she's his favorite.

As you learn to become each other's favorite recreational companions, you will make many discoveries about what you like and don't like recreationaly. Eventually, you will find several activities that are so mutually enjoyable that they will make you just as happy as hunting does. When that happens, you may hunt every fall without fear of it ruining your marriage – if you come to an enthusiastic agreement. But be careful never to let it compete with the activities that you enjoy together. In other words, when you find something you enjoy more than what you do when you are together, abandon it until your time together rises above that level of enjoyment. I give you that warning because the contrast effect -- whatever you enjoy most will make less enjoyable activities seem boring in contrast -- will ruin your time together. Any activity apart from your wife that is more enjoyable than the activities you share with your wife will threaten your marriage.

But then, if what you do together is more enjoyable than anything you could do apart, why would you want to waste your time being apart?

03/27/2015

Need Help Parenting a Teen?

Some parents of teens confuse their parenting role with that of friend. In so doing, they abdicate their parental authority and minimize their ability to provide direction, guidance, limits and structure.

In such cases parents may feel their teenaged son or daughter must like them. The parent may be looking to their son or daughter for approval when it should be the other way around. When teenagers are, in a sense, in charge of the parent’s emotional needs, this power is beyond their ability to handle responsibly. This is when their son or daughter has the parents most held hostage.

The teenager, with their parent’s emotional needs in their hands, may work against the parent and extort unreasonable privileges. These teens may look to drink underage; have parties; surf the Internet for po*******hy. Some teenagers will demonstrate little self-control. If the parent objects, the teen winds up admonishing the parent (“You don’t trust me!”; “You are snooping into my privacy!,” etc.) and then the parent caves in, not wanting to lose their teen’s approval. Some situations escalate to the point where teens find themselves in trouble with the law. Here too parents may cover for their misdeeds, pay off their teens debts; even paying off bookies and drug dealers.

Parents who seek their teen’s approval must come to realize, they cannot rely on their son or daughter’s to meet their own emotional needs. Parenting is a verb, an action word. It implies parents do something with regard to their children. The it that parents do is to provide leadership (direction, guidance, limits and structure).

03/20/2015

Children, Parents and Families Separating?

Once the decision to separate is made, there are a number of other issues to settle. If the decision has been made in isolation, there is the matter of informing one’s spouse. Thereafter comes telling the kids. From there, attention is directed towards determining the ongoing care of the children between the separated parents. Then there is the matter of settling housing, finances and ongoing financial obligations. For some people, these issues begin to blend together, overwhelming them with the enormity of the consequences.

Underneath all decisions are associated feelings. Each issue brings a host of emotions, mostly dark and upsetting. The parties are dealing with the loss of the relationship, let alone the fantasy of how things should have been. There is worry as to the impact on the children, ongoing parent-child relationships, and economic hardship. Feelings may include anger, resentment, depression, fear and in some situations, even elation. Typically it is the feelings that drive decisions. Many people directly or indirectly seek retribution in how they settle the cascade of issues. People also may seek to make quick and rash decisions, serving to assuage their feelings and fears.

In the wake of the decision to separate, some people turn to a lawyer first or they may turn to a counselor/mediator such as me.

In the case of lawyers the decision to separate is then communicated to the other party by way of a legal letter, not only telling of the separation, but laying out the demands and expectations for settlement. With the rug pulled out from beneath them, the other party, in a tizzy, is seldom able to respond reasonably given the information just befallen them. Hence the response may be nothing more than an outpouring of their emotion, upset, rage, sadness and fear, disguised as a counter to the demands of the other. Then the couple, like a ship, makes a series of over-corrections, trying to counterbalance competing demands; they veer left, then right, further left and further right, harder and harder, until their matter reaches epic proportions, spilling over into the courts.

Separating is always counter-intuitive. No person enters a long-term committed relationship saying that, in time, they seek to lose their love and develop animosity enough to drive them from the relationship. These are always upsetting times and when upset drives decisions, poor decisions are often made further compounding problems. The ones to suffer most in the process are children. Statistically, it is not the distribution of assets, residential setting or even the access schedule that determines the outcome for children. It is singularly the level of conflict between the parents that most determines how their children will fare during and after the process and how they shall fare in their own adult intimate relationships later on.

Upon a decision to separate, parents would be wise to call to a counselor-mediator well trained and versed in relationship issues as well as separation and divorce matters.

Please note: The counselor/mediator is trained and versed both in relationships of family and couples and in separation/divorce matters and will be able to help the couple identify and manage the issues that contributed to the decision to separate and will maintain a clarity of vision to help the couple truly sort out what is best for their children, given their situation.

Further, as a counselor-mediator, trained, versed in separation and with 58 years experience in separation and divorce matters I will include professional financial and legal consultation and referral and I will do so with the view to preserving the integrity of the parties and relationships.

The goal of the separation is to permit for the untangling of lives, whilst still respecting and maintaining relationships vital to the care and development of the children and thereby providing parenting and a family context for the children.

It can be scary seeing counselor, or in my case a counselor-mediator, but parents are advised to consider this a mature decision aimed at managing their feelings to achieve an outcome best for everyone combined and especially, their children. Please give my office a call and we will set up a consultation.

Lewis R. Bigler, M.Div, MA, AAPC Diplomate
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
4476 Main Street at Harlem Road
Suit 204 Snyder Square
Amherst (Snyder) New York 14226
716-634-0658 Biglercounseling.com