Things Scott Thinks About

08/12/2024

I was listening to John Eldredge and Wild At Heart today, and he said something that really resonated with me. Something I've said much less eloquently in the past. This isn't a quote, but it's close: "If we tallied prayers PROMISED vs prayers DELIVERED, we'd probably be at like 100:1 or 1000:1 or worse."

I agree. I've often felt like the natural (and kind) response for a believer when they hear something bad has happened, or someone is struggling with something, or someone is trying to make a difficult decision, "I'll be praying for you!"

I first got frustrated by this over a decade ago when my marriage was in crisis, and many, many, people both said, "I'm praying for you," and "call if you need anything." The fact that many of those phone calls were never returned kinda made the reality for me about how much praying was happening.

Here's my promise to my friends, and what I've done since, and what I'm working hard to be even better at:

If we're having a conversation, and I say I'll pray for you, if we don't do it together on the phone or in person, as soon as I hang up, I *am* praying for you. Every time. I not a very good pray-er, but I do it. Immediately. Because I know me, and I'll forget. Not because I don't care, but because I'm scattered and all the things that don't make me a great friend all the time.

Moving forward, anytime I think of you, I hear someone speak of you, I'll immediately pray for you again. And any other time you come to mind.

Am I sitting down daily with a list of all the things and praying? No. In fact, I'm working really hard on not just praying for things to change or happen, but to understand WHAT it is that God wants me to learn or know from a situation, instead of WHY and "please fix this, God."

Don't get me wrong, I still pray for results. I'm doing it fervently in multiple areas of my own life right now.

But know this: If I've said I'm gonna pray for you, I do it. Immediately. Because if I don't, I don't want to feel like I let you down, or that I just said it to be nice.

I'd encourage my friends who have let, "Oh man, I'll pray for you bro," become just a kind but complacent response, to either not say it, or make it an actionable promise and do it right away.

You don't have to pray for me every day, and every moment. But do it when you say, and do it when you think about me again. I'm doing the same for you, and even for people I don't know and never will.

Just something I was thinking about today.

p.s. Please pray for me, my health, and my family. I'd appreciate it. You don't have to tell me, just take 20 seconds and do it.

07/29/2024

The words that follow after this are not my own, but definitely something that made me think. It doesn't have to be about addiction, and it doesn't have to be your dad...

Bitterness is a pill that destroys ME if I don't choose to forgive, even if the other person doesn't want to receive or even care about the forgiveness.

Worse, if the other person DOES want to receive the grace and forgiveness and I refuse to offer it, it continues to destroy us both.

Nobody ever lost anything by being full of grace and love and forgiveness.
--
Here's what I read:

My dad was an addict. He died from an overdose in 2018. I once got mad at him when his food stamp card was denied and I had to cover his groceries. It wasn’t about the money.

I gave him a hard time when he broke my glass measuring cup. It wasn’t about the cup.

He commented on a new haircut and I was enraged because he’d already seen it and I assumed he was too drunk to remember. It wasn’t about my hair.

I drove him from doctor to doctor, from rehab to rehab, but I was frequently short tempered. Visibly put out by what he required of me. It wasn’t about the time.

He was homeless for many years. He used to stand on corners with a sign and ask for whatever money or food people were willing to give. I loved him, but I was frequently embarrassed by him. I was mad about my childhood and what bled into my adulthood, and I found any way to take it out on him.

He’s gone now and I’m not mad at him anymore. I’m mad at how much I let my inability to forgive him affect our relationship. Now he is free and I’m chained, weighed down by all the grace I couldn’t bear to give a person who so wholly was in need of it. Give forgiveness. Because my regret over withholding it is stronger than all the anger I felt throughout the years.

- Scarlett Longstreet

07/27/2024

I told my counselor yesterday… something I've been on both sides of, but definitely take responsibility for when I've been the one doing the hurting of someone else:

The only time you promote healing by hurting somebody else is in a gunfight.

When you are hurting, and you hurt somebody back, nothing happens except continuing an unnecessary cycle.

Unless you're in a gunfight, stop flinging wound inducing weapons, and I bet you and others can start to feel better.

Just one of my weird analogies that popped into my screwed up brain. The things I think about.

07/12/2024

It's no secret it's been a rough year for me and my family. I have not been the leader I know I can be, and I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of.

A couple of months ago, I recorded this version of this song and shared it only with my wife and girls and my parents and a few close friends.

I never intended it for public consumption, and I didn't want the girls to think I was self aggrandizing the low parts of my life.

Recent events and my actions not only put me back in a not great place, but they caused me to listen to this song about 35 times today.

The message hasn't changed, I don't think. It's super raw, way emotional, and honestly, not very good, musically. But it's real.

REAL. no matter what happens to us, we are always responsible for our own words and actions. Losing sight of that once again is costing me all of the things that are important to me.

I am a broken man. God loves me, I think my wife still loves me, and I pray someday my girls will not just love me, but respect me for the choices I've made in the face of adversity I'd never wish on anyone.

But in the mean time, maybe the words might help someone else. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish with my feelings and thoughts. Maybe I could have helped others if I was just willing to put my pride aside and be raw and real and not care about how people look at me.

I guess I'll never know.

But I know I love my family, and I love others, and I want, desperately to be a good man--even if I'm a broken man.

So now, I'm sharing the song I said I'd never share.

I am working every day to be better than the man I was yesterday. I'm worth it. My wife is worth it. My girls are worth it. I'm forgiven. I'm a broken ma...

06/28/2024

I just responded to a facebook friend's post, and maybe he's mad at me, maybe he gets it. My heart cares. My brain doesn't. My heart is tired. My brain says, WTF?

No, I didn't watch the "debate" last night. No, I don't think either candidate is capable nor worthy of running this country. YES, for the first REAL time in my life, I'm embarrassed to be a US Citizen, for how we have made ourselves look to the international world.

Don't get me wrong, I'd still die for you. I'd die for our values, our country, for Joe Biden, for Donald Trump. I'd do it right now, tomorrow, or 50 years from now. I'm a goddamn fighter, and I believe in what our country is and should be.

But THEY are not it. Not even close.

The gist of what my friend said (because division and hate and vitriol and bitterness AND LIES are all ok, as long as you agree with him) is that he'll take a bumbling incompetent b**b telling "the truth" over a slick talking well spoken jerk "telling lies".

Yeah, guess what? They are both lying. They are both jerks. Neither is a human of character. You've been had. WE have been had. We don't HAVE to choose Biden's bad way or Trump's bad way. WE COULD choose to do it a different way.

But NOBODY will lay down their hate/anger/fear/distrust long enough. F**k...I know all about that. I've dealt with this deeper than any human should ever have to in very close and life changing personal relationships. At SOME point, everyone who is REALLY invested has to put their flamethrower down, trust PAST their own hurt or misunderstanding or fear, and ALLOW peace and trust to be rebuilt.

NEITHER of these candidates will promote, support, or even allow that.

SO...here's my response to my friend. MY FRIEND. Who disagrees with me. Who is a great human. Who cares about his family and his business and his country.

You can choose your own response. This was mine:

Give me a MAN (there was neither in that discussion) or just a HUMAN who is worthy of running this country and not making us an international laughing stock.

If folks could step back and be less invested in being more than JUST less bad than the other guy and actually looked for the best we had to offer, the landscape would be very, very, different.

As a person who travels internationally often, and mostly to countries that I'm going to help people who are less fortunate than myself, I've worked hard not to develop anti-US / "white guilt" / resentment for my blessings.

The current offerings of which you describe, make what you actually posted worthless. NEITHER is qualified in character, values, mental fitness, physical health, to lead a bible study--much less a country.

You can beat your chest all you want about YOUR senile liar (provable back to his pre-congressional runs and statements) or the other team's angry hateful liar...but NEITHER deserve your vote, nor mine, your confidence, nor mine, nor your bitterness toward the other and his supporters.

We're supposed to be better than that.

What you wasted your time watching last night would have been funny if it was the latest in the franchise of Grumpy Old Men movies. But it's not funny. It was two ridiculous, angry, hateful, arrogant, one or both possibly without appropriate mental capacity --old men who have ONLY their own interests at heart.

What a shame. And what a shame that a good person like you would feed that fire and pretend like "your guy" has it all figured out.

WE--YOU, ME, and everyone else, should be looking really hard at what WE have allowed "politics" and especially "leadership" to become. It's a joke, a mockery, and it's sad. May God have mercy on the ramifications on future generations of OUR generation not being able to hold it together.

02/14/2024

On this Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share some new Things Scott Thinks About.

I have been working hard each day to start with a Bible study. It is interesting that it doesn't matter what topic I have chosen… Two major themes continue to be at the root.

Love. Forgiveness.

I do a study on peace? It talks about love and forgiveness. I do a study on relationships, the focus is love and forgiveness. I do a study on being wronged by another--still love and forgiveness.

In fact, depending upon the source and translation you choose, love is mentioned over 500 times in the New Testament alone. Forgiveness is mentioned somewhere around 250 times. Of course, one has to take into account the realization that the New Testament has been translated from several languages, and each translation is a group of scholars' best understanding based on context, history, and historical knowledge… but instead of getting caught up in semantics… I can just accept these facts: love and forgiveness are important enough that Jesus taught regularly on the concepts, and his followers learned enough from him to continue to teach the importance of them.

It is my conclusion that these two concepts are wholly interdependent. some might say codependent, but that word has achieved such a negative connotation… Let's stick with interdependent, and please give me a moment to explain.

It's really not that hard when you give it a little thought, but I struggle to understand why the two ideas are rarely taught in the way that I am about to speak of them.

If you don't read anything else, read this : if you are unloving, then I believe that it is impossible for you to forgive others or yourself. If you are unforgiving, then I believe it is impossible for you to love others or yourself. Or be loved. Or feel forgiven.

Read that again. Especially the last part. Or be loved. Or feel forgiven.

That's it. That simple.

I admire the people who can be so selfless as to say such things as, "I really want to be more forgiving," or "I really want to be more loving." But, I think the reality is most of us examine these concepts when we are seeking forgiveness or seeking love from another.

But suddenly, when I put it into this context – I WANT to feel loved. I WANT to feel forgiven...but I'm holding on to something. Whoa. That's scary. Like super accountability. In fact, it's another layer of interdependence. The dependence between love and forgiveness is and strong as the dependence between giving and receiving those things.
I think the first part of my hypothesis is pretty easy to understand, right? I WANT to be more loving, but I'm not going to forgive X. Just that little part, I am going to hold onto it, until they love me more, or they show more regret. Yeah, not gonna work.

I WANT to be more forgiving, but I'm not going to put myself out there any more until he shows that he's doing his part. I'm just going to withhold this little bit of love...but I'm a good person, I'll forgive him.
Sorry...it's going to create a dissonance every since time.
But again, the worst part is, when we desperately want to feel these things from other people. My belief is that holding onto "just a little" unforgiveness, or withholding "just a little" love...that's exactly what is keeping us from getting what we want.

There's a big part of the me that you all know that would love to take these points as made, and beat them into the ground with a bunch more proof, and examples, and exhaustive detail.
But I think really, if you're being introspective, it speaks for itself, and it WILL speak to you if you prayerfully meditate over the idea.

So I'll leave it one more time and let it go:
If you are unloving, then I believe that it is impossible for you to forgive others or yourself. If you are unforgiving, then I believe it is impossible for you to love others or yourself. Or be loved. Or feel forgiven.

If you're not getting what you want, what is it that you are unwilling to give?
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Alright, so that's it. That's my giant valentine's day message:

I've written and shared in the past about what a wonderfully selfish and self serving gift forgiveness is. If you haven't read it, read it sometime and let me know what you think.

Perhaps sometime I will come back and commit my thoughts about self-love and self forgiveness… because they are probably not what you think. Many of my Christian friends would even say that the concepts are sinful, or a misrepresentation of what Christ spoke of.For now, I'll just say that I think they are important, and I certainly do not believe they are sinful.

11/21/2023

Sunday morning I was having a tough morning for lots of reasons...I took a very long walk through the neighborhoods of Cancun, and found myself walking past a small church gathering, literally on a carport. The picture is what it looked like two hours later when I walked past.

There were only 20 chairs set up and about 15 people in attendance. The worship music captivated me. I'm sure it was a spanish translation of a song I've heard hundreds of times, but it just sounded SO peaceful. A "greeter" on the sidewalk saw me hesitate and invited me in. I politely smiled, and said, "Gracias, no. Buen dia."

I made it to the end of the block and stopped. Something was pulling me back. It was like I was supposed to be there.

I went back.

I asked the greeter if my clothes were ok...I was just in a t-shirt and shorts. He smiled excitedly and ushered me into their little makeshift church.

For about 5 minutes I just stood with the others and absorbed the music. I didn't even try to translate or hear. I just FELT. Then, the woman who appeared to be leading the worship (singing along with streaming worship music) came over and asked if she could pray for me. I guess it was that obvious.

She put a hand on my head and one on my chest and prayed. I don't know how long, but minutes. The music was very loud, but I caught words...peace for my brother; fill him up; let him feel the presence of your spirit...when she finished, I had tears streaming down my face. She handed me a kleenex seemingly before she even looked at me. It smelled appropriately of the over perfumed 50 something Venezuelan woman that I learned she was.

The pastor took over shortly and my mind was racing to stay or go. I was awkwardly feeling at the same time like an interloper and yet very welcome. He was speaking pretty rapidly and I was trying to take it in AND see if I could get my phone to listen and help translate some of the vocabulary for me.

Suddenly, it got very quiet. Everyone was looking at me. Then, in english, "Sir, ju speeky spani?"
"Solo un poco, pastor."
"Ju belief God?"
"Si, por supuesto, Pastor." "ju belief he es en diz plaze?"
"si, mucho"
"Ok. He speak to you. Dats all mi englis"

He proceeded to give an incredible sermon based on Matthew 14:22-28, a passage I have heard taught many times in the past.

I remember two distinct things from my previous religious learning:
1.) Jesus calmed the storm and showed he controlled everything
2.) Peter was chastised for not having enough faith to walk to Jesus on the water...he started, and then he sank.

Oh...that #2 was drilled into me in all of its King James glory in my youth: "OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH!" And "why did you doubt??" or "wherefore didst thou doubt" or something like that...

I can still picture that angry God, disappointed in me, that I learned so much about as a child. I *really* wanted to leave now...

But you know what? That wasn't this pastor's message at all. No, I heard something totally different.

Before he even introduced the passage, he asked, "Do you believe in the supernatural?" I think all believers would have to say yes... and then, "Do you believe the supernatural can solve your natural problems?" Another yes. And then, "So why are you working so hard to solve things yourself, and deny the supernatural?"

He read the passage, stopping and interjecting his points as pastors do...but basically just kept going back to Peter.

All the disciples saw the figure on the water. They all heard Jesus say, "fear not, it is I." He didn't say, "Hey boys, it's Me, Jesus!" he didn't say, "I'm the son of God, calm down!" He just said, "Fear not, it is I," and the disciples knew it was him.

Peter believed, but also wanted proof, so he basically said, "Lord, if it's you, let me walk to you."

Most know the story, he started to walk, he got scared and sunk.

That is where this message captivated me.

This pastor didn't focus on the fear or the failure...he focused on the faith. 11 other disciples --Jesus' posse, his closest homeys, they saw and heard him too. What did they do? They stayed in the boat. In fact, they were crying for Jesus to save them and stop the storm.

Peter got out of the boat. Jesus said, "I got you, come here," and Peter had faith and acted.

It should be noted that I felt a very strong connection to the words being said, and the fact that I was able to follow this fast speaking Venezuelan pastor (I learned at the end that he and his wife were refugees from Venezuela) and follow the message was nothing short of supernatural.

But also, about every 5 minutes he'd ask, "you understand?" or "you see?" in English, so I *had* to stay tuned in!! 😜

Peter got out of the boat. Peter took a risk on faith. Nobody else did.

I literally know people and I've rolled my eyes at them that would drive down the road, with their low fuel light on, with cash in their pocket, passing gas station after gas station, and just PRAYING, "dear God, please let me make it there before I run out of gas!"

Geez! Get out of the boat! God gave them all those gas stations, He blessed them with money in their pocket, NOW it's up to them to act and accept and receive the benefit of his blessings!

I took away two major things from this sermon that for all intents and purposes, I shouldn't have been able to follow along with:

1.) Get out of the boat! we have to act, and we have to act in accordance with our faith, in order to receive the blessings that are intended for us.

2.) Don't get so caught up in acting that we forget we have access to supernatural power to solve our natural problems.

There is so much hope in that for me! I've spent entirely too much time, especially this year, trying to solve things and fix things and recover from things that I simply don't have the power to do.

AND, I've spent an inordinate amount of time being in despair because I failed to act--in accordance with faith--and do the things that I needed to do to accept my blessings.

For me this year, much of that was about forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself, forgiveness of those who had wronged me SO deeply I thought it was unforgivable; forgiveness of those that don't know or care that they hurt me and they don't waste any time thinking about it or me, but I allowed them space in my head and heart due to unforgiveness. God gave me the tools...I just had to get out of the boat.

Another way I explained it to someone else recently is this: It's like I was a hurting person, standing ankle deep in the ocean, KNOWING that I was going to drown. Screaming for help. Begging for peace and safety. And God was patiently waiting on the shore with his arms stretched out, saying, "just take a few steps...I got you."

What I **did not** get from this sermon? Condemnation. Getting hammered for my lack of faith. The pastor didn't spend 20 minutes talking about what Peter COULD have done if he hadn't taken his eyes off Jesus.

Instead, this pastor chose to celebrate what peter DID accomplish by getting out of the boat. By having enough faith to take action. By doing what the other believers wouldn't.

Get out of the boat.

I needed that. Obviously God knew I needed it, and He delivered the message in an incredibly remarkable way!

Get out of the boat!

10/30/2023

2023 Thinking Person's Ultra Simple Voting Guide--NO.
--
They are simple ballot issues this year people, I'm not going to waste your time or mine with analysis. Simple summary?

HH: The government wants to take money out of your left pocket and put it in your right, and tell you they gave you money. For those of you that voted to repeal Gallagher a couple of years ago, let me remind you LOUDLY that I TOLD YOU SO.

So HH continues to allow property taxes to increase and offset them by taking your constitutionally guaranteed TABOR refund and refunding SOME of it, while also giving the state a lot of authority with what to do with other TABOR affected money--they have no requirement to change things if property taxes are reduced, hey can theoretically just now redirect the extra TABOR affected funds because you gave them permission.

NO ON HH. Even if you like giving money away, don't vote for HH, just deposit your TABOR refund and write a check back to the Colorado Department of Revenue. I'm confident they'll take your donation.
--
Prop II: If you don't see what is happening above, look at II. The state collected more taxes than they are legally allowed, and now they want to keep the money.

Because the money is from EVIL TO***CO taxes, they expect you to sign off on allowing the state to keep more illgotten gains. Even better, they are gonna throw the money at early childhood education, because all the money they throw at it now works so well.

Don't be fooled, and don't be a fool. There is a legal way to return that money to those who paid it and are required to collect it. They make it sound like these evil to***co sellers are getting wealthy off your back. 🤦🏽‍♂️

If you vote for it, don't be surprised when next year when they come after your refund for XYZ, and other people don't care because it doesn't affect them.

NO ON II !

Be a thinking person. Votes have consequences. This stuff has huge long term effects.

I kicked and screamed when many of you voted to both repeal Gallagher and voted to allow the state to control property tax rates. I said it would have horrific ramifications in the next 2-4 years, and for decades beyond. You bought into the lie that appealed to our natural human fear and greed reflex, and you voted for them because you thought it would help you. Now, the VERY SAME people who you helped to create this "crisis" are telling you they have a solution; they just need more of our money to fix it.

Stop the madness. Tell Colorado government NO. They need to get used to hearing it.

Every other smaller jurisdiction that has anti TABOR ballot issues? The vote is NO. Stop. For your own sake and mine. Stop.

03/30/2023

How to help hurting people:
1.) Listen
2.) Say, I'm so sorry, it must really hurt
3.) repeat #1

If you're about to give advice or make a judgment, see step #3

03/28/2023

June 6, 2017

If you're going to fight, fight to SAVE your marriage!

I was 7 days from my final orders hearing in my divorce process before my wife decided to speak to me, and attempt to work through our issues. In the 4 months prior, and in the 4 years since, I reached out to virtually every resource I could, gleaning every bit of useful (and a lot of not useful) information that I could apply to my situation. This is a beginning of a compilation of that information.

I'm no expert, I'm no counselor, I'm married. I'm married, and I've probably been where you are if someone has suggested that you read this. I've been to the brink and BACK, and I'm better for it. I write with authority because what I did (finally), done for the right reasons, with myself right with God, saved my marriage. It could save yours. Lots of other people have heard some of this message. So far I'm not aware of anyone who was willing to get out of themselves and apply it. That doesn't make the message wrong; it didn't take 1 day to drive your marriage in the ditch, it's not going to be fixed in a day.

It amazes me that in our incredibly screwed up world, with all the problems that exist, and the blessings that abound for us in abundance, we still manage to make our own lives difficult. Worse, we come home and hurt the people that we are supposed to love the most, those that are supposed to be our biggest allies, fans, and cheerleaders. There is no shortage of hurt, ill will, and damaged relationships among the people that I care about.

I recently told someone I was 0/5 in my efforts to encourage others in their marriages. I guess if you include my marriage, I’m 1/6, or batting .166, so I’m definitely minor league. Or am I?

You want to know what makes me angry? Not my feelings hurt, you stepped on my toe kind of angry; but Jesus in the temple tossing tables over, RIGHTEOUS, PI**ED OFF, ANGRY? It’s people asking for advice, and then not being willing to take the advice because it’s too hard. ESPECIALLY when the stakes are as high as they are in a marriage. Nobody has ever reached out to me for advice because they were getting married. Nobody asks for a “what if” in a situation that they might be struggling with. Nope, they want answers when one spouse has one foot out the door (or both) and their life is about to explode…and they want a quick fix, a Band-Aid, and they want it now.

Oh sure, I’m guilty of the same offense…I’m probably 20lbs overweight. There’s no mystery though. If I quit eating ice cream and took that brand new bicycle out for a ride, I could affect some change. If I ate a salad and went for a walk at lunch, I could probably make a difference. I don’t (ok, I rarely) look at people who are fit and say, “What’s their secret?” or “I wish I could be like them.” I COULD be like them, if I did the things they are willing to do. So, don’t play stupid, and don’t be a victim. If you want to be in shape, you have to do the work. If you want a happy marriage—heck, even a manageable marriage—you need to do the work.

Frankly, in hindsight, I’m not 0/5, I did my part. But, I can’t make struggling couples be willing to do the hard things necessary to get their marriages out of the ditch and back on track. ONLY those participating in those relationships can do that. And this is important. REALLY, REALLY, important! Like family tree changing, children impacting, whole world affecting kind of stuff.

Did you know that there are THOUSANDS of books on dealing with divorce? Hundred of them are written from a Christian perspective. There are very few books written on saving a broken marriage. Fewer yet that address the topic with God's enormous role included. While I think that's sad, I also think that it's pretty clear where the market is. Everyone wants to feel better about their divorce, very few are interested in the hard work required to save a marriage in crisis.

---

Occasionally, little things come up with my kids, and it will suddenly hit me…I really damaged them. In 4 months of litigation and nearly 8 months of separation from my wife, I messed up my kids’ world view. I made an irreversible impact on their ability to see and process conflict and behavior because of how my wife and I handled our problems. And we survived! We survived and we still screwed up our kids! Granted, we also sent a clear message about dedication, grace, forgiveness, and reunification…a message about a mom’s role and a dad’s role, and the roles of spouses in a marriage—in all, I’d call it at least making the best of a bad situation; but I’m not arrogant or ignorant enough to pretend that I didn’t negatively impact my kids.

So you’re gonna get divorced because it’s “best for the kids?” Ridiculous. Just can’t take it anymore? He/She changed? Seriously? Some of you are on marriage 2.0 or 3.0…is your luck just really that rotten? You just get stuck picking loser spouses--you’re just a victim of destiny? I doubt it, and that’s a BS cop out.

Maybe you did make a bad choice, maybe you married a loser. If you made the additional bad choice of making babies with that person, then you damn well better stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your kids. Yeah, I’m talking to both of you.

Now that I’m done venting a bit, if you’re still reading, I do want to talk solutions, and I do want to talk about how your situation is pretty much no different than anyone else's.

First, if you haven’t read my original treatise on marriage and divorce, you need to start there. If you have, you should probably reread it.

Second, because it ties right in there, are my my thoughts on forgiveness.

Once you’ve worked through those, preferably after you’re done being mad at me for pointing out the truth, read on.

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You’re *NOT* special. My incredibly astute spouse recently told me, in regard to multiple couples in our life that are past struggling and to the absolute breaking point in their marriage, “It’s weird, I can talk to any of the three of them and they say EXACTLY the same things about their husbands.” Followed by, “I just can’t believe that all three of them could have married EXACTLY the same jerk as each other—obviously this is just what they are seeing through their filter.”

So…ladies if you believe that your husband:

Doesn’t communicate well / Doesn’t listen
Belittles you / Talks down to you / is condescending
Tries to control you
Doesn’t show affection for you
Doesn’t care about the marriage.

And guys…if you say your wife:

Wastes money
Wastes time doing things that are unimportant
Doesn’t appreciate you / Doesn’t see your efforts to make her happy
Doesn’t respect your opinion
I want to talk means “I want to complain”
Wants a fairy tale marriage

You are all in good company. We could add in complaints about alcohol or drug use, overbearing in-laws, and friends that you love to hate. You’re normal-ish. You’re not healthy, but you’re pretty normal. So now what?

The first thing is, put all that crap aside for now. You’re not at a point in your relationship to be working on those kind of specifics. I try SO hard to not allow people to bring me specifics. Why? Because they don’t matter. Not right now. He said mean things. She spent $500 on a pair of shoes. He would rather go to a football game than be with me. She complains to her sister about me all the time. Blah blah blah. When you want to discuss the specifics of your partner’s wrongdoing, in my opinion you are doing nothing more than trying to be right. If you think you can make your partner WRONG enough to fix your marriage, then stop reading and go find a better way to use your time.

How many times has Dr. Phil asked people? C’mon, you know the cliché… “Do you want to be RIGHT, or do you want to be happy?”

If you can get over yourself for a few minutes, step outside of the hurt and hate and anger that has replaced your infatuation and love for your spouse, keep on reading.

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I'm pretty sure it was Gandhi that said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions…” While I don’t disagree that there is a logical connection, I believe that explaining behavior that way is not only simplistic; it’s kind of dangerous and fatalistic. Many people accept the concept that in order to change behavior, you have to start by changing beliefs. I disagree.

I believe that every day, every human furthers their experiences, which in some way influences their beliefs, thoughts, and actions. I believe that there is a complicated relationship between the three, and that if Gandhi’s philosophical quip falls short, it’s in assuming that we must first seek to change one’s beliefs before behavior can change. I’ll say again, I disagree. Especially in the context of marriage. I think that the B-T-A cycle can be influenced in any or all of those facets, but that ACTIONS are much easier to change than beliefs and thoughts, at least initially. You can change actions right now. You want to know how? Do something different than what you’re currently doing. There you go, you’re welcome. That’s it. Pretty profound, huh?

It’s no secret that I’m a recovered drunk, and that I spent more than my fair share of time in 12 step recovery type programs. One of the concepts that I really have stolen and made my own is the idea of “Fake it ‘til you make it”. I’ve argued and debated the idea with others, some who simply believe that “faking” it is just setting yourself up for failure in the future. ** I ** think that faking it is setting yourself up for the win, even before your will – your thoughts and beliefs are on board! In the context of drinking—if I wake up today and want a drink…Gandhi says I’m going to drink. I say, just don’t! If I make it through today, maybe I can try again tomorrow. And the next day. And after that. Eventually, I believe that my actions will influence my thoughts which will influence my beliefs to exactly the point that I in fact got to—I got to the point that I BELIEVED I *don’t* need a drink, so I thought that, so I didn’t. But it started by changing my actions.

Nifty neato huh? But how does my example have anything to do with marriage? It has everything to do with marriage! Attempts, failures, changing behaviors…sound familiar? Let’s get back on point.

First, Humble yourself before God. Regardless of outcome, you’ll be better equipped in the future if you can be right with Him. I believe that it is impossible for you to reflect God's love onto your spouse if you are separated from God. I also believe that if you are harboring ill will, anger, and resentment for your spouse instead of forgiving and giving those feelings to God, that you are separating yourself from Him and his redeeming grace and love.

The next HUGE thing that you can do for YOU and your marriage is to change your actions.

Change your response, change your actions. Flip it upside down if you need to. You think your wife is bat-crap crazy? Agree with her. Husband comes home and wants to flop on the couch and not listen to your problems? Bring him a cold drink and ask about his day. Stop thinking about you. ESPECIALLY stop thinking about yourself like a victim. Start looking at how YOU can make your spouse’s day better, and then do it. Pretty crazy huh?

But, I already tried that, I’m done. No, you didn’t. Not long enough, not sincerely enough, and not without an ulterior motive. You tried it as a manipulation, as a technique to get what you want. Or, you tried it as an attempt to fulfill what you already decided—that your spouse is wrong, you're a victim, and what's the point. What I’m suggesting is a philosophical change that makes someone other than you the center of your world.

If I ask enough questions, or sometimes even get to observe, too often it’s clear that spouses will change up their actions just long enough to prove that their spouse didn’t notice. Yeah, that’s you. You’re still not unique, I’ve watched us all (myself included) do it. It’s called being “in the box,” and some really smart people wrote a book about it.

I believe that every marriage is in grave danger of getting stuck in a spiraling rut where appreciation, affection, and eventually love dwindle to a point of nearly unrecoverable failure. The book, Leadership and Self-Deception, was written to help leaders understand how they allow their own biases and experiences to stifle growth and create failure in organizations—at times even allowing them to act outside of what they intellectually know is a correct way of handling a situation. The book discusses the concept of being, “In the Box” with someone…It’s a concept incredibly relevant to ALL relationships, especially a marriage!
Let me sum the concept up for you: if I am in the box with my spouse, she can do no right. She does not care about my feelings, she doesn’t respect me, and she is the reason we are having a problem. I probably got IN the box for legitimate reasons, and it probably didn’t happen overnight. Lots of unresolved conflict over the course of years, lots of experiences, lots of disappointments; lots of proof and validation that I am right, and that my feelings are justified.

The most dangerous part of being in the box, however, is failing to see the good faith efforts that others are making. Once you are IN…you can’t see anything good in another. You’re a victim, they are the perpetrator, and even if you see something good, it’s looked upon with suspicious and distrust. I have a fairly crass way of describing this situation—I’ve often said, “Her husband could crap gold bars and instead of her celebrating her newfound wealth, she’d complain to her friends about her husband’s bowel problems!”

What a horrific tragedy it would be if you and your spouse are both working on doing the right things separately but one or both of you are too angry or hurt or whatever to notice that the other is trying as hard as you are! Don’t sabotage your attempts by failing to be willing to see your partner’s efforts!

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So now you’re thinking, ok, I would maybe give that a whirl…BUT. Everyone has a but (and a butt). We get to this point of the conversation, and I hear, “Well that’s all fine and good, BUT…”
Seriously…I’ve heard it. Just yesterday, I heard, yeah, but what would you do if, “###XX”. Same thing. “Oh yeah? but my wife cheated on me.” Same thing. “He got arrested and will be in jail for 3 months.” Same thing. “She lost her job and I don’t know how we’re going to pay bills!” Same thing.
If you aren’t willing to let that stuff go, why are you reading this?

Let me restate an earlier point—you are not going to make your spouse WRONG ENOUGH to fix your marriage. If you can’t get past whatever your, “Yeah, but…” is, then you are not going to succeed. The good news is, you don’t have to get past it all at once. So, since your way clearly hasn't been working, why not give my way a whirl? My marriage may not all be rainbows and unicorns, but it's solid, and my wife and I communicate on a level now that I never thought was possible.

Remember? We are going to change actions first, and let your actions influence your thoughts and beliefs. I believe without a doubt, the influence will be strong if you are willing to be consistent and faithful in creating change in your actions.

Right now, this isn't about changing your spouse. This is about you. It's not about your hurts and wrongs—it's about what you can do to make your spouse have a better day.

Put another way, a wise person told me today as we discussed this—it's time to celebrate the little wins, the little victories, but focus on EVERY positive, and do it in a genuine way.

In the same way that one trip to a gym isn't going to undo 2 years worth of ice cream in my belly, one day of trying really hard to do pretty much everything differently than you have been doing isn't going to stick the first time you try, and you're probably not going to see results in the first 24 hours. But, it also didn't take just 24 hours to get to this point in your relationship either, did it?

I'm going to close today with this very classic video of Zig Ziglar describing his conversation with a woman who hated her job. She couldn't think of ANYTHING good to say about it, much like you probably can't think of anything nice to say about your spouse right now. As you think about the idea of finding ALL the good in your spouse, watch this video, and see if it doesn't give you an ounce or two of perspective.

The marriages that I am speaking of are Christian marriages that are covenants made with God and family.
God wants these marriages to succeed.
Some of the concepts I talk about might be beyond your current capabilities—that's where God comes in.
If you think you can change your spouse, you're wrong.
If you think your spouse has changed since you got married, you're wrong.
If you think divorcing your spouse is going to simplify your life or make you suddenly happy, you're wrong.
If you think that your marriage is worth the effort to repair, you probably can.
QUIT HIDING YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS. Share them, and ask others to join you in prayer. Don't share specifics--they aren't relevant, share the struggle, and ask for support