09/09/2021
Good morning,
Well, my intent to study parental alienation didn't go as planned. I bought the books, but have since returned two and kept one. It was about 4 nights ago I was laying on the couch depressed and feeling lost. The good thing about pain is that it can make us search for a way out. During my search, I started watching a YouTube video from a counselor on parental alienation and I learned a couple of things.
First, I learned what it is. I also learned my situation isn't as bad as it could be. While my heart went out to those 17,000 members of that group (yes, you read that number correctly), I realized that 1) I am not alone, 2) I know where my children are and 3) my divorce happened over 10 years ago. My heart truly goes out to those who are going through divorce with a narcissist and having their children ripped from them. I know all too well the extreme damage a narcissist can do to their victim. I pray for God's healing and peace and protection over them.
After watching that video and struggling with entrenched feelings of hopelessness and a total lack of desire to do much of anything, I realized I had a choice to make: stay in the depression or be done with it. I had run through each stage of the grief cycle and the only stage left was acceptance. I could refuse to accept the situation and stay depressed or I could make the choice to be done feeling sad.
After months of emotional struggling and pain I had never known before, I decided I was done being sad. I made a conscious choice to say positive words to myself: I am loved, cherished, kind, thoughtful, giving, patient (sometimes), intelligent, caring empathetic, honest, happy, quick, diligent and wise. Those words speak truth. The words of depression speak lies. So, I decided to embrace the truth and say goodbye to those misery inducing lies.
It took conscious effort and thought on my part for a while before I started to feel like myself again. I also set boundaries and realized I was in control of my life. I have heard people say that but this time it clicked. It can be so difficult when our kids are used against us. Used to hurt us because the other parent knows they can't reach us any other way anymore because we became free of their grasp.
I have to say that it has been a long journey and while it isn't over, I know that through perseverance and diligence a way through will be found. The key is to not give up. No matter how many times you feel like you hit your head against the wall and it seems nothing will ever change and the pain will never cease, it will. Those two words are simple but have so much meaning.
The healthier we get, the harder it is to be around those in dysfunction. We come to learn we don't have time for lies, deception, deceit. I came to realize my children have made a choice. A choice that is based on a lie that was told to them, but nonetheless it is their choice they made. I could choose to fight it, but to what outcome? No matter how many times I run the scenario through my head, it just doesn't end well. So, the best option for me at this point is to accept the situation for what it currently is and set boundaries for myself. Each one of us has to determine what the best option is for ourselves because no two people/situations are the same. Just knowing we aren't alone and there are literally thousands of others going through similar situations can bring some relief in itself.
My heart is still tender and I have to be careful of what I let into my mind. However, I know in my heart I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13) and everything has it's season (Ecclesiates 3:1-8). Perhaps most importantly to remember during times like this is that "This too, shall pass" (2 Corinthians 4: 17-18).
This group has been designed to be a form of support where we can share our troubles, concerns, questions, and solutions with one another. Support is essential in any area of life.
