03/31/2026
Two years without Ryan today, 3/31.
I wish someone would’ve told me how horrible it would be so I could’ve been prepared. If you told me two years later I would feel WORSE...No way!
Before he died, his mom told me that without him, she’d never be happy again another day in her life. I didn’t think that would happen to me. But let me tell you, I can’t say I’ve experienced much happiness the last two years.
What you realize is not only do they die, but you die too. The old version of yourself who was unaware of this nightmare is gone & what you’re left with is a shell of who you used to be. We all know how impermanent life is, but once you’ve seen it like this, you can’t unsee it. So then you end up crying not only because you lost them, but because you lost yourself.
I try not to let my mind go back to the sequence of events that led to his death. Maybe everything happened exactly as it was supposed to. That doesn’t make it easier or less painful, & it certainly doesn’t stop me from wishing things were different.
He died. And then life kept going, even though mine didn’t. That’s really what it’s like.
This whole experience has taken me into the deepest, darkest hole that makes life seem insignificant in so many ways. When I found out I had cancer & had to get a nephrectomy, everyone kept telling me how good my attitude was & how well I was taking it all. Well, that’s because having cancer isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me. Turns out there’s much worse.
So as I cross into year three, it’s different than I thought it would be. It’s just as awful as the beginning, but now I truly realize how long forever is.
People say time fixes grief. It has not for me. Not yet. Instead of feeling better because time is passing, it gets further & further away from when he was alive. I know the expectation is that I should have moved on, that I should be better by now. Well, I have not moved on and I dont feel better & I don’t know when I will.
I still think about the things that could’ve been & all the choices we didn’t get to make. So Ryan, wherever you are, I miss you so much! Two years hasn’t changed a thing between us.