08/29/2025
Fast Food V**e Wars Leave America’s Bathrooms Occupied
In a hardcore move to capture the “authentic Taco Bell experience,” v**e companies have announced a new line of fast-food inspired v**e flavors. The collection includes Dairy Queen Dairy Mist, KFC Extra Crispy Cloud, and the fan-favorite Taco Bell Baja Blast’n Lax.
Industry insiders say the Taco Bell v**e hits hard and fast-literally. Within three puffs, users reportedly feel the urge to sprint to the nearest restroom while clutching their stomachs like they just finished a $5 Cravings Box. “It’s the first v**e that doubles as a colon cleanse,” one enthusiastic user said between gasps from a bathroom stall.
Dairy Queen’s contribution, meanwhile, is described as “like inhaling a melted Blizzard mixed with regret.” The KFC flavor has been marketed as “eleven herbs, spices, and heartburn,” with early testers admitting the aftertaste lingers longer than the chicken itself.
Health experts are baffled. Dr. Linda Gutcheck of the Wyoming Institute for Bad Ideas warned, “We’ve seen a lot of questionable products, but combining ni****ne with Taco Bell’s natural laxative effect is playing with fire..literally, in the bathroom.”
Still, v**e shops are selling out nationwide, with one retailer reporting that customers are lining up like it’s free Chalupa day. Asked why, one customer explained: “It’s the only v**e that gives you the true drive-thru combo flavor, ni****ne, and the explosive exit strategy.”
Officials stress that anyone va**ng these flavors should keep a plunger, baby wipes, and possibly an exorcist on han