01/28/2024
As a Therapist & Coach, I frequently work with individuals of all ages who say they REALLY want to make new FRIENDS and feel included but feel SO awkward and anxious about it- like they don't know the rules!
*How do you approach someone without it being weird?
*How do you sustain a conversation past small talk?
*How can you tell if you have anything in common with them?
*How do you take small interactions at school, church, or work and turn it into an actual friendship outside of that?
For some, friendships seem to come so naturally but for others...not so much.
It can be a source of GREAT AGONY and as a result...loneliness.😞 Chances are - you're making it harder than it needs to be! I tell people, you'll NEVER feel awkward again, if you become a "Master At Asking Questions!"
If you are good at getting people to talk about themselves, you learn a lot and BONUS you don't have to be funny or have amazing stories to share in order to have a great conversation! Make sure to offer information about yourself back and forth though so it doesn't feel like you are interviewing them. 😉 As for how to approach someone....here ya go!
Friendshipping 101: (this also applies to asking someone on a date- if you're single)
Step 1. The Ice-Breaker: Compliment something about them, "I really like your ______!" (Shoes, bag, hairstyle, dog, gadget they have, or ask a question like: "My daughter is 4, how old is your child?" Or "windy today huh? Have you been to this park before?" Or some other little comment about the environment the both of you are in. You could also ask for directions or a suggestion for any nearby restaurants etc.
2. Introduce yourself: "Oh by the way, my name is_____. Wave, place hand on your chest (as you say 'my name') or offer to shake hands, etc. They will usually tell you their name as well but if not - ask!
3. Dig Deeper: Ask questions that hunt around for a common topic of interest. "So, have you always lived in Colorado?" Or "My kid just LOVES parks- which are your favorites around here? Have you been to the big one on the other side of the neighborhood?" Or "So, how long have you worked here, been at this campus, been skateboarding?" This is when (depending on their level of comfort and interest -take cues from their body language, eye contact and length of answers) you can disclose more of your personal background and ask about theirs.
A good question to ask is - "So outside of school/work/being a mom, what keeps you busy?" This is also when you can get a sense of their interests & level of social skills and you can make the decision on whether to take it to the next level or just say "well, nice talking to you- maybe we'll see you around!" and then transition to another activity, conversation with someone else, or leave. Sometimes it takes several of these positive mini-interactions to be ready for the next step. Especially if you know that you're going to see that person again (because you're involved in something together) there is no pressure to take it to step four until you're ready.
4. The invite: If step 3 goes well and you think you've found a potential friend, then you can issue an invite based on how the conversation feels. "Hey, we were about to go have a snack at that picnic table and I have plenty to share- want to join us?" Or we were going down the street to get ice cream...or our kids seem to be playing so well together and we're planning on coming to play here again on Thursday at 10am - you guys should come if you're not busy!" Or "Have you ever seen that movie? No? What! We should totally watch it! When are you usually free?" Or "You said you enjoy traveling...do you like Indian or Chinese food? I know this great little place you should totally try- would you like to go check it out with me sometime?"
5. Exchange information: this is when you can exchange contact information in whatever form they prefer - phone number, social media, etc.
6. Message Them! Later that day message them saying it was nice to meet them & send a funny meme based on some topic you talked about or the kind of location you met at. These are very easy to image search by topic online. Then as they respond - match their level of responses without over-doing it. Don't overshare or come across as needy - it will get weird. You must practice self-restraint with disclosing personal information- only investing little bits at a time in equal measure with them sharing too. If you share too much too soon, this new person will feel flooded and see red flags that you will be a draining person in their lives and they will back off from you. Wait until the friendship has enough of a foundation for weightier topics and details.
7: Have fun! Be "light and breezy" (your new mantra) when you meet again, show them you are a breath of fresh air, an asset -not a liability coming into their life. Let things organically flow from there. Don't take every interaction super seriously. You may even want to look up some clean comedy routines on YouTube and write down a few stories or jokes you find funny- You never know when you may be able to organically work them into a conversation. They may mention a topic and you can say "oh that reminds me of this comedian I once saw, they said____!" Find people that are a good fit for your personality and let the ones you don't seem to click with go. It's ok- and not a personal failing. You'll find your people if you keep trying.
Practice, practice, practice and each time will feel easier. Happy Friendshipping! ❤️❤️❤️
