Mary Schmidt-Luhring, LMHC

08/30/2025

06/10/2025

This should be hung in every dementia care home and in hospitals where there are patients with dementia.

If I get dementia, I’d like my family to hang this wish list up on the wall where I live. I want them to remember these things.

And I would add one more:
Every time you enter the room announce yourself.

“Hi Mom- it’s Mary.”
NEVER ask- Do you know who I am??? That causes anxiety.

1. If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.

2. If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we’re visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things. I’ll be much happier for it.

3. If I get dementia, don’t argue with me about what is true for me versus what is true for you.

4. If I get dementia, and I am not sure who you are, do not take it personally. My timeline is confusing to me.

5. If I get dementia, and can no longer use utensils, do not start feeding me. Instead, switch me to a finger-food diet, and see if I can still feed myself.

6. If I get dementia, and I am sad or anxious, hold my hand and listen. Do not tell me that my feelings are unfounded.

7. If I get dementia, I don’t want to be treated like a child. Talk to me like the adult that I am.

8. If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed. Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.

9. If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.

10. If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take the time to figure out what is bothering me.

11. If I get dementia, treat me the way that you would want to be treated.

12. If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house. Even now if I don’t eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.

13. If I get dementia, don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.

14. If I get dementia, don’t feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s not your fault, and you’ve done your best. Find someone who can help you, or choose a great new place for me to live.

15. If I get dementia, and I live in a dementia care community, please visit me often.

16. If I get dementia, don’t act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places. Take a deep breath. It’s not my fault.

17. If I get dementia, make sure I always have my favorite music playing within earshot.

18. If I get dementia, and I like to pick up items and carry them around, help me return those items to their original place.

19. If I get dementia, don’t exclude me from parties and family gatherings.

20. If I get dementia, know that I still like receiving hugs or handshakes.

21. If I get dementia, remember that I am still the person you know and love.”

Message to be shared in Honor of someone you know or knew who has dementia. In Honor of all those I know and love and lost who are fighting Dementia/Alzheimer’s.

06/07/2025

Parenting Isn’t 50/50

Yep, you read that right.

It’s not half Mom, half Dad. It’s not always “You do this, I’ll do that.” As much as we love balance, the truth is—parenting doesn’t work on perfect math.

Some days, you're going to wake up running on fumes, barely feeling 10%. Exhausted, overwhelmed, maybe even defeated. And on those days, it's your partner’s job to carry the other 90%.

Other days, you’re the strong one. You’ve got energy, clarity, maybe even patience (imagine that!), and you carry the 80 while your partner struggles to muster 20.

That’s the real math of parenting: It’s about giving 100%, together, not splitting it evenly.

It’s a constant dance of give and take. Of stepping up when the other needs rest. Of knowing that fairness isn’t always sameness.

It takes grace. It takes communication. And it takes love—the kind that doesn’t keep score.

So no, parenting isn’t 50/50.
But it is 100%, every single day.

Together.

05/06/2025

Before any major life change, there are difficult questions to pause and hold space to explore

𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐭, 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐧𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭.

Everyone tells you to track your cycle, take your vitamins, and cut back on caffeine.
But rarely do people tell you to sit down and ask the hard questions.

Not just “Do we want a baby?”
but do we want to raise one?
Because parenting is not a trend.
It is a daily commitment to someone who will need you, always.

Here are the conversations that matter before the crib, before the ultrasound, before the baby shower:

1. What from our childhoods do we want to heal before we pass it down?
This one hurts. But it is necessary.
Cycles do not break by accident. They break when two people say: “we will do better.”

2. How will we divide the invisible load?
Not just diapers and feeding. But laundry. Mental lists. Emotional labor.

3. What does a day in our life with a child look like? Who packs lunches? Who does bedtime? Do we have help? Can we afford it? Can we be honest about the kind of support we’ll really need?

4. What are our parenting non-negotiables? Screens? Gentle parenting? Discipline? Religion? What does a “good parent” mean to each of us?

5. How do we protect us, the couple?
Because love after baby changes and if we are not intentional, we become roommates instead of partners. How will we reconnect, communicate?

6. How are we financially prepared or willing to become prepared?
How much do we need to feel safe?
How will we handle maternity/paternity leave, shifting roles, or unexpected costs?

You do not need to have every answer.
But you need to be willing to ask.
Because love builds families but conversations sustain them.

This is not about fear.
This is about respect for yourself, for your partner, and for the child you want to bring into the world.

Start the conversation before the baby.
Before it is too late to say, we should have talked about this.

—Ccto (having a child is a gift )

04/18/2025

A fun example of what worry and fixations can look like when not attended to…