09/06/2025
September is National Su***de Prevention month. The national theme is "Changing the Narrative". Personally, I'm loving the theme. I'm a clinical therapist. I have been providing grief counseling for over 25 years. Here are a few things that I have learned by counseling su***de survivors, as well as suffering my own losses due to su***de:
1. Say their name. The worst part about losing someone to su***de has already happened. Family and friends are acutely aware of how sad they are, and ignoring their loss by not saying the name of their loved one hurts more deeply than you can imagine--but survivors won't tell you that. They will try their best to make your discomfort tolerable while they suffer in their silence.
2. They are not in a better place. Regardless of your belief system, this is something people say to make themselves feel less awkward. It's perceived as a callous response to a heartbreaking situation. Try saying, "I can only imagine how much you must miss him," instead.
3. Please don't say, "Let me know if you need something." They will never let you know. Call or text on a regular basis and check in. Deliver comfort foods and meals whenever you can. There is so much to do, and grief is so overwhelming for the first several years. Keep thinking of survivors and love on them as often as you can for years to come.
4. Notice the despair. Reassure survivors they don't have to go through this alone. Provide information and resources to help them find ways to cope and to get through it until time can do its thing. The 988 Su***de & Crisis Lifeline is live and active, and very helpful -- just call or text 988.
5. Keep professional information, such as names and phone numbers, in your phone and be ready to share the contact with anyone that might need it. Normalize the need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Normalize the fear of grief, and the loneliness and the guilt emotions. Reduce the stigma associated with mental health needs. Losing a loved one to su***de is complex grief riddled with guilt, shame, feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Some survivors may experience despair, betrayal, hurt and significant disappointment.
6. DO NOT BLAME the survivors. I find it interesting that so many people preach about "there are signs". Well, there may be signs. But some people are very good at masking, or might be under the influence of a substance, or feeling so much despair they become impulsive and desperate and make split decisions. Some people live with suicidal thoughts for so long, the signs feel more like a constant reminder that never really goes away. I urge you to consider -- I teach su***de prevention and have been doing so for the past 17 years. I missed any signs of someone I loved very much.
Most importantly, focus on loving someone through their grief. Spend quiet time with them. Let them talk about their loved one. Share in the memories and celebrate their lives through connecting on a regular basis. Don't avoid survivors on those milestone dates.
Start a support group! If you want to lead a support group on-line or in person, message us and we can help you get one started. We can provide you with training and offer you on-going support and knowledge to know how to do this. You can email us at help@advocatecenter.org or message us here on FB.
