Embolden Psychology

02/28/2026

Love, Lost: Stages Of Loss

1. Ambivalence
Should you break up? Should you stay together? Can you really love someone who did X? But what about their redeeming quality of Y?

This phase technically comes before the breakup even happens. In the stage of ambivalence, a person has had both positive and negative phases in a relationship, but they are unsure which one is definitive. This rollercoaster stage is marked by both good days (like after couple’s therapy, or make-up s*x) and bad days (like during a fight).

To get through this stage, try talking to friends and family to unpack the pros and cons of your relationship. It may also be beneficial to take stock of patterns in this relationship and previous ones, to see if you exhibited signs of ambivalence in other romantic partnerships. Since some people are inherently more uncertain than others, reviewing any trends in your dating history may help you realize it’s not specific to your current S.O.

2. Euphoric Recall
So, you've broken up. And suddenly, everything about your ex is all sunshine and daisies. Sigh, weren’t they perfect? Here, as you focus on the good aspects of your former relationship, you may gloss over the issues that led to its demise. Sometimes, this stage can even create feelings of guilt or regret.

That’s where reality testing comes in. It's okay to reflect on the positive elements of a relationship, as doing so can help with feelings of anger or bitterness. But write down the negative parts of your relationship as well. It's helpful to remember why you broke up.

3. Making Sense Of It All (with overthink)
This is when you feel like your brain cells are firing at a million miles per hour as you try to come to terms with your relationship’s dissolution. People tend to analyze the explanation of why the relationship was terminated and obsess over the fine details. If the break-up is confusing, they will over-analyze each aspect of themselves, ex-partner, and the relationship to understand why the breakup is happening. This can become obsessive.
Until you feel like you have a solid grasp of why things ended, you’ll be trapped in this headspace. That’s why getting some kind of closure is so important when saying adieu to your (former). Therapy, journaling, and trusted friends can help with this process.

If you don’t feel comfortable (or safe) speaking with your ex, you may want to consider writing a letter containing the above, and not sending it. Sometimes, the act of writing can be helpful in the moving on process, even if you don’t share your words with the intended recipient.

4. Numbness
Not everyone experiences this phase, but the symptoms include detachment from reality and a sense of denial about your current reality. Numbness can last anywhere from a few hours after the breakup to months.

Let those feelings out, even if they scare you. The more you can honor them, the more likely you are to heal and grow from the experience.

5. Denial
The denial stage is when you’re having a hard time acknowledging that your relationship is over. It’s a common defense mechanism used to help numb the intensity of the situation. A person in denial lives with the false hope that things will go back to the way they were before, and this person is ultimately unwilling to move on as single.

Denial may look like: reaching out to your ex-partner, not respecting their boundaries, and continuing to carry out plans that were in place when you were still together in an attempt to re-establish the relationship.

Many people fall into denial when they feel a loss of identity without their significant others. Remember that you are your own person, with your entire future ahead of you. Be encouraged by the fact that new life ambitions, goals, and dreams will replace your old ones. It’s absolutely time to be self-focused.

Re-shift your focus to beneficial self-care activities like exercising, reading a new book, or pampering yourself with an at-home spa treatment.

6. Anger
During the anger stage, people are no longer denying what’s happened, so they’re looking back and feeling justified anger. In this stage, you may feel resentful towards your ex or frustrated about the breakup itself. You may even feel angry with yourself for acting in certain ways, doing certain things, or initiating/agreeing to the breakup, even if it was the right thing to do.

While anger isn’t super comfortable, it it is healthy—feeling angry can provide a helpful reminder of why the relationship ultimately had to end. Nevertheless, make sure to not let that emotion consume you; instead, work to put that same energy into self-care activities. You could take a hot bath, cook something delicious, light a candle, or listen to calming music.

7. Bargaining
After the anger stage often comes bargaining. During this stage, people tend to imagine ways they could’ve handled the situation differently to possibly have had a better outcome. There are often a lot of ‘what if’s,’ ‘I should have’s,’ and ‘I could have’.

Bargaining could include compromising on previously-established non-negotiables in order to maintain the relationship. For example, you might think, “Well, maybe I could compromise and have kids if that’s what he really wants.” But if parenthood isn’t a goal for you, then stating that fact involves being honest with yourself about your wants and needs. Remember: In a true partnership, you won’t need to abandon your core goals and values.

8. Sadness
Don’t underestimate your pain. The end of a relationship is the loss of a loved one. A breakup is extremely painful and can be overwhelmingly disruptive to all aspects of your life. Remember: The end of a partnership not only means the loss of the person, but also your future hopes and dreams with that specific person.

Similar to the symptoms of depression, during this stage, you may find yourself withdrawing socially, sensing some changes in your appetite or sleep patterns, and even becoming more emotional and irritable than usual. And while symptoms like isolating yourself may be normal (and even healing for some) for a short period of time, if they start to prevent you from doing the things you would otherwise want to do, it may be a sign to consider seeking professional help.

FYI, you also don’t have to “go there” alone. If you can, lean on your support network- it’s harder to handle sadness alone. Talk to loved ones about what you’re going through, or enroll with a licensed therapist or psychologist. Spending time with people who support and care about you will remind you that you are valued.
At the end of the day, instead of fretting about the past and predicting the worst for the future.

—What if I never meet someone? What if we hadn’t gotten into that fight?—To combat these thoughts, remember to ground yourself in the now. Mindfulness can help you step back from these thoughts and allows you to embrace the flow of life as it unfolds, without taking negative thoughts too seriously, for too long.

9. Social Media
Let's be honest, social media has made it harder to feel like you’ve fully moved on. First off, know it’s okay to take some time after the initial breakup before you tackle the process of deleting social media pictures, muting their friends and family, and the like. Go on a social media sabbatical until you're emotionally ready to make changes to your accounts. There's no need to rush through your emotions.

In addition to updating digital networks, it’s now also time to part with physical remnants such as any clothes, gifts, or other items that remind you of your former partner.

Above all, remember that you don't owe anyone in your social network an explanation. Create and enforce personal boundaries in order to protect your wellness.

10. Acceptance
After experiencing the anger, doing the bargaining, and feeling your feelings (and, yes, at times relapsing), acceptance is where you land when you are no longer resisting the breakup. In other words, you’ve made it to the other side.

In this stage, you’re beginning to build out your life again now that the relationship is officially over. And while you may still have your moments, you’re looking ahead towards your inner peace. It’s finally coming to terms with the reality of the relationship having ended.

11. The Comparison Dating Phase
This part of the post-breakup journey reveals that you’ve made enough progress to begin your search for love again but are still having a hard time letting go. It is a process.

To break free, recognize that this behavior is completely normal. Then, try to track when and in what situations you compare a new love interest to your ex to help you uncover why you’re doing it. (Is it because that characteristic is something you love in a partner? Hate? Is it because you miss your ex’s friends group? Is it because they’re too similar to your ex?)
Your ex was an integral part of your life—it makes sense that you use them as the barometer for your next relationship.

13. Forward Motion
You did it! You’ve emerged and are wholeheartedly ready to get on with your life. Of course, that doesn’t mean there won’t be tough moments, days, or weeks ahead as you adjust to life post-breakup. Straggling emotions and memories may still bleed through.
Continuing your work from the previous stages will serve you well. By journaling, engaging in self-care, trying new activities and hobbies, and by continuing to increase self-awareness, the painful breakup energy slowly dissolves.

02/15/2026

Galentine’s Day
If you want to know how female friendships improve mental health, study the brain. Beyond emotional support, friendship strengthens social connections and mental health in women by triggering the release of dopamine and serotonin—the neurotransmitters responsible for feelings of happiness and contentment. This explains why spending time with close friends has a mood-boosting effect comparable to physical exercise.

In addition to promoting happiness, having female friends also serves as a protective factor against cognitive decline. As women make up nearly two-thirds of Alzheimer’s cases in the U.S., it’s important to study what can mitigate and prevent the cause of this neurodegenerative disease. Women who maintain strong and intentional friendships are more likely to stay mentally sharp as they age. Research shows that social engagement in midlife significantly reduces the risk of dementia by 38% and mild cognitive impairments by 21% in later years. This aspect of any friendship is particularly important in our current lives where chronic stress and mental health challenges are on the rise

These friendships also provide an essential outlet to regulate emotions during times of stress. Consistently sharing deep thoughts, fears, and frustrations with a trusted friend allows women to process emotions more effectively, reducing the risk of developing stress-related disorders.

Read:
https://embolden.world/love-for-friends-a-tribute-on-valentines-day/

01/27/2026

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

From the Couples Therapy archive at

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have major difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them. Their wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance. Partners and family members of people with BPD often describe the relationship as an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. You may feel like you’re at the mercy of your loved one’s BPD symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person takes steps to get treatment. But you have more power than you think.

You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between you and your loved one. There’s no magic cure but with the right treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get better and their relationships can become more stable and rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to show improvements sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure.

Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one with BPD, you can improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even if the person with BPD isn’t ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment.

-Being in relationships with someone with BPD

Being in a romantic relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder can be stormy to say the least. Their spontaneity and the intensity of their love can draw you in, but then their destructive behavior and black-and-white thinking (either you’re “perfect,” the only one they can count on, or you’re “selfish” and never truly loved them) can push you away.

Your partner with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can trigger intense reactions. You having to work late or deciding to go out with friends, for example, could trigger devastating feelings of abandonment and rapid shifts between emotional extremes. One moment they may be raging at the imagined betrayal, the next they feel despondent and isolated, even suicidal, and then they’re terrified that the relationship is over, begging you to stay.

To them, the panic and fear is real and overwhelming. But to you, the guilt and irrational behavior can feel like manipulation. You may think that you just can’t win—anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you. And you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off. You might even hide what you really think or feel in order to avoid fights, but because your partner’s expectations are constantly changing, you’re never sure how to keep the peace.

In many cases, you’ll know that there’s something wrong with your loved one, but may have no idea what it is or if there is even a name for it. Recognizing it as borderline personality disorder can come as a source of both relief and hope.

-Living with a spouse or partner with BPD

Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don’t even make sense? Does your spouse or partner accuse you of doing and saying things you didn’t do? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure them?

Someone with BPD tends to rage hardest at the person they’re closest to— YOU. That can make for an exhausting relationship. It can also create a lot of tension in the home, tension that’s hard to escape because as soon as you try to get time on your own, your partner’s fear of abandonment kicks in and another fight ensues. Trying to end a long-term relationship with someone with BPD can be even more challenging.

Whether you’re dating or married to someone with BPD, it’s important to recognize that your partner is suffering. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain. In other words, they’re not about you. When your loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain they are experiencing; it’s rarely deliberate.

Learn all you can about BPD and any co-occurring conditions your partner may have. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to handle relationship difficulties in constructive ways.

Your support and encouragement can make a huge difference. Help your partner explore professional treatment options and encourage them to stick with therapy.
Set boundaries on the behaviors you won’t tolerate and be firm in the repercussions for breaching them.
Practice self-care, pursue your own interests and hobbies, and build your own support network of family, friends, or a skilled therapist.
Recognize if your partner’s anger and impulsivity have become emotionally or physically abusive. There are ways to protect yourself and your family from domestic violence and abuse.

-BPD relationship cycles

A BPD relationship cycle outlines the stages some couples experience when one of them has untreated borderline personality disorder. Of course, everyone with BPD is unique, no two people behave in exactly the same way, and not everyone with BPD has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Your partner with BPD may also be suffering from different co-occurring disorders, which can make their behavior even harder to predict.

While there’s limited research on the BPD relationship cycle, many clinical experts recognize the patterns of behavior occurring in some (but not all) romantic relationships when one partner has BPD. Each phase can feature dramatic highs and lows and wild swings between love and hate. The duration and severity of each stage can vary depending on your partner’s specific symptoms and your own coping skills.

Stage 1: Idealization

This is the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. Your partner is sensitive and enthusiastic, fascinated by you and your interests. They may idealize you as the perfect person or their “soul mate.” And you can’t help but be caught up in this, enjoying having someone love and admire so deeply.

Stage 2: Obsessive neediness

Your partner’s insecurities and fears of abandonment start to appear. If you pursue interests outside of the relationship or fail to respond to a text or a call, for example, it can trigger your partner’s fear of rejection. They may become hypersensitive and feel that you’re no longer interested in the relationship.

Stage 3: Provocation

Your partner craves your affection so begins to test your commitment to the relationship. They may provoke or manipulate you into arguments to gauge how much you care about them. If you fail a test, they may withdraw and withhold affection in an attempt to gain more attention from you.

Stage 4: Devaluation

The partner with BPD swings from adoring you to devaluing you in the blink of an eye. They may criticize you, your friends, your family. If black-and-white thinking or “splitting” occurs, they see you as either all good or all bad, with no middle ground. You may feel confused and hurt by these sudden swings.

Stage 5: Ending the relationship

Your partner may suddenly announce that they want to break up or simply “ghost” you and leave. To you, it may seem that it’s all coming out of nowhere.

Stage 6: Repair and recycle

Your partner may just as suddenly return and try to save the relationship. If that fails and the relationship ends, they’re like to spiral into a downward cycle of depression or self-destructive behavior. If the relationship doesn’t end—and they don’t seek treatment—the cycle will often restart again.

-Communication tips

Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation. PD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to “having ‘oral dyslexia,’ in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.” This can lead to very confusing communication where both the individual with BPD as well as their partner have no idea what just happened or what was actually said.

Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship. Once they’re calm, you can employ these communication techniques:

Listen actively and be sympathetic. You don’t have to agree with what the person is saying to make it clear that you’re listening and sympathetic.

Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words they’re using. Your loved one needs validation and acknowledgement of the pain they’re struggling with.

Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don’t try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they’re saying is totally irrational.

Do your best to stay calm, even when your loved one is acting out. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to cool down.

Seek to distract your loved one when emotions rise. Try exercising, sipping hot tea, listening to music, grooming a pet, painting, gardening, or completing household chores.
Talk about things other than the disorder. You and your loved one’s lives aren’t solely defined by BPD, so make the time to explore and discuss other interests.

Encourage professional help. There are different strategies in therapy used with individuals who have borderline personality disorder, including dialectical behavior, therapy, or DBT, or acceptance and commitment therapy, which is mindfulness based, or ACT. Focus in therapy for borderline personality includes emotion, regulation, skills, interpersonal, and communication, skills, coping skills, stress, reduction, anxiety, management, and mindfulness to help them stay in the present moment. All of these can be applied to a Couples format as well. Therapy for BPD can be intensive, and requires a minimum of one year of individual therapy, often accompanied by a skills group and between session support.

Read:
https://embolden.world/when-a-loved-one-has-bpd/

11/18/2025

We are proud to now offer individual and couples therapy to the  Virginia Tech and Blacksburg community and surrounds.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/profile/441061

11/10/2025

On Complicated Grief.

But what is grief, if not love persevering?
-WandaVision

Grief that is prolonged creates relentless allostatic load- a state of high stress, mentally and physically.

How to recognize it and treat it:
https://embolden.world/prolonged-grief-when-the-hurt-goes-on/

Also from

https://embolden.world/on-grief-and-grieving/

10/16/2025

Woman’s Best Friend: On PTSD and Pups
From

A longitudinal study focused on female veterans in the US who worked with service dogs found significant positive health effects at the cellular level.  The Florida Atlantic University neuroscience research found that spending an hour per week in sessions with dogs promoted both physical and psychological well-being.

Female veterans face unique reintegration challenges that are often overlooked, and past studies have found that traditional PTSD treatments don’t always meet their needs.

Non-traditional approaches like connecting with animals can offer meaningful support.
These relationships provide emotional safety and stability, which can be especially powerful for women with PTSD.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/dogs-women-ageing-health-b2846330.html?utm_campaign=picturepost

09/23/2025

On Labeling Emotions

Research suggests that the simple act of putting your feelings into words lowers your psychological distress. So practice using as many descriptive words as you can to identify how you’re feeling. If you’re stressed, try to tease out what additional feelings that brings up. Are you overwhelmed? Anxious? Fearful? What else?

This labeling can take any form. It can be talking to someone, writing it down, working with your therapist, or self-talk about how you’re feeling.

To help you build emotional self-awareness,  psychologists at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence have developed a free app called ‘How We Feel’, which has 144 different words to describe your feelings (such as “excluded,” “lonely,” “engaged” and “glum”) as well as their definitions.

Try:
https://howwefeel.org/?campaign_

Read:
https://embolden.world/doors-behind-doors-secondary-emotions/

09/16/2025

As the saying goes, “friends are the family you choose”.  Research increasingly shows that friendships are an integral part of mental health.  Friendships also change across the lifespan, but remain significant and cherished.

Read:
https://embolden.world/the-ingredients-of-friendship/?

Strong friendships are a critical aspect of most people's emotional well-being. Psychology research indicates that close friendships are associated with greater happiness, self-esteem, goal orientation, and sense of purpose. These bonds are even associated with physical outcomes, such as lower bl...

09/15/2025

Social effectiveness requires practice.

Pitfalls include over apologizing, over -personalizing, poor eye contact, not asking for help, second-guessing, and inattention to self-care.

Read,  on interpersonal habits that  sabotage effective communication with friends, colleagues, supervisors, and partners:

https://embolden.world/11-habits-that-hijack-social-effectiveness/

09/09/2025

Can Therapy Make You Feel Worse?
Yes…at times.

1. You're Uncovering Trauma
Therapy is a healing process. And often to heal your mind, you’ve got to go backwards and deal with some traumatic stuff that happened in your past. No matter how deep your trauma, dealing with negative events is never easy. Feeling negative emotions is difficult and yes, painful.
But ultimately dealing with these emotions will help you move forward.

2. You're Not Used To Feeling Your Feelings
Lots of people repress their emotions. It’s actually extremely common, and one of the reasons people seek out therapy. Through therapy, you learn to feel, understand, and work through negative emotions. But if you’re not used to feeling those hard feelings, if you’ve been holding back negative emotions for years, when you first start to let yourself FEEL those feelings, it's uncomfortable and often painful.

3. You're Changing
Change is hard work. And part of therapy is making positive changes in your life. But just because a change is for the best doesn’t mean it’s EASY. For example, maybe you’ve realized the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy and you need to break it off. Or maybe you’ve realized you need to set boundaries with a certain friend of family member. You find that you haven’t been expressing yourself with your partner. All of these are not easy.


4. People In Your Life Aren't Always Supportive
As you heal, some people in your life may not like you r growth and change. They’ll say they miss the old you.

While part of the therapeutic process is learning to choose yourself and make lasting, positive changes in your life, that doesn’t mean everyone around you is going to be excited for you. So, if you’ve got people in your life who see your new changes as a “betrayal” or a “negative change,” that is extremely painful and difficult. Especially when these people are who you are very close with.

5. You're Not Seeing Progress
This could happen for 2 reasons:

-Therapy Is A Process
Despite people’s desires, therapy isn’t a magic wand. Because of our complex emotions and lives, therapy takes time. In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, many people don’t see any results for at least 6-12 sessions.

So if you’re still in your therapy adjustment period and you’re questioning “is it normal to feel worse at the beginning of therapy?” take into account that therapy takes time. It’s only a few hours per month, and a lot of living happens in between.

-On top of that, therapy ebbs like waves. You may have a few months of extreme healing and progress. Then, things may plateau. But this isn’t a bad thing. Instead of rushing to see results, try to enjoy the small wins.

-You Aren't Being As Open And Honest As You Think
You only get out of therapy what you put in. If you’ve been going to therapy for months and aren’t seeing results, it may be time to reevaluate how honest you’re being in your sessions. It can be tempting to paint yourself in the best light. People are fearful of being judged, even by their therapist.

6. Therapy stirs up things that you don’t think about on a daily basis. It forces you to take a look at sadness, grief, anger, which we do not do on a daily basis in general. This can feel discomfiting.  Sometimes I hear clients say that they avoided Therapy for years because it hurts too much.

7. Fear of loss of confidentiality. It’s natural to fear imparting information that could potentially be shared with a family member, colleague, or someone that you prefer not to share personal matters with. Although mental health professionals are bound by confidentiality and privacy ethics, it’s natural to fear being vulnerable.

09/04/2025

https://embolden.world/seven-days-a-mental-health-challenge/

The Real Luxuries (art, courtesy of ).

08/09/2025

What is hyperarousal?

From the mental health archives

When your nervous system is over- activated, reactive, or has difficulty soothing itself, symptoms can manifest in daily lives.  Both PTSD and C-PTSD include forms of hyperarousal.

In hyperarousal, you may have physical or emotional symptoms, including:

Wanting to stay in the house or a safe place.

 Feeling easily disrupted by changes in routine or last minute transitions.

A dislike of loud or hectic situations or settings.

Also:

• Being constantly on the lookout for potential danger or threats.
• Thinking or worrying about things a lot, even after situations have been resolved.
• Feeling jumpy or easily startled.
• Feeling that your heart is racing, pounding, or flip-flopping (heart palpitations.
• Vivid memories or flashbacks of traumatic situations from your past.
• Extreme sensitivity to sounds, smells, textures, or sights (sensory reactivity).
• Having a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep (insomnia) or restless sleep even when you’re tired,  interspersed with periods of exhaustion after becoming overwhelmed.
• Outbursts of anger or rage.
• Trembling or shaking.
• Breathing fast or feeling dizzy or lightheaded.
• Sweating or feeling hot or flushed.