West Breedlove, LPC, MHSP, NCC

03/03/2026

03/02/2026

Goes for husbands, too.

02/26/2026

Your kids don’t need you to be flawless. They need you to be available—emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally.

They need you to be
• Slow to anger
• Quick to repair after mistakes
• Undistracted in your attention
• Consistent and predictable w/ discipline
• Safe to tell the truth

Show up dude…
That’s the job.

02/25/2026

It’s true.

Of course; there are exceptions. Mental health, history of abuse, family of origin, etc., but don’t assume those are the reasons your wife is distant or easily upset or reluctant to intimacy. Take a self assessment, do some personal inventory, and ask yourself:

What am I like around my wife?
What’s it like to be married to me?
Am I on my phone too much?
Am regularly checking in with her and the things that are important to her heart?
Have I checked out on my responsibilities at home with the kids?
Have I made the assumption that bc I bring home the bacon, I’ve done my part of the marriage?
Am I going outside the marriage to find what I should be finding within it?
Do I know her dreams and hopes?
What’s my attitude right when I walk in the door?
Does she feel like I only want s*x and not her?
Am I ok with non s*xual intimacy?
What would she tell me if she knew I’d really listen without defending myself?

For Christian men, a good question to ask your wife: What are three ways I could be more Christlike? (Credit: Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband)

She’s worth it.

02/25/2026

When caught in the throes of addiction, denial doesn’t sound crazy. Actually, It sounds reasonable:

“It’s not that bad.”
“I’m not as bad as _____.”
“I can stop if I want to.”

That’s the OBSESSION talking.

In the Alcoholics Anonymous Blue Book we read:

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession…”

Addiction of any sort (alcohol, p**n, gambling, food) is “cunning, baffling, powerful.”
It speaks in your own voice.

———

Denial compares. Recovery owns.

Denial bargains and negotiates. Recovery surrenders.

While living in denial, you practice half measures. But “half measures availed us nothing.” “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not” (AA, Ch5, “How It Works).

Step One says it plainly:
“We admitted we were POWERLESS…”

If you’re still defending it, downplaying it, you’re not free from it. You’re not the one calling the shots. The addiction is.

For Christian who are addicted to some besetting sin, I remind them of what God told Cain: “Sin is crouching at your door; its desire is for you.”
In other words, sin is LUSTING after you!

The way out?
Rigorous Honesty and Absolute Surrender.

02/24/2026

We often walk into our relationships—whether with a spouse, a friend, or even a coworker—carrying a hidden “script.” We’ve already decided how they should act, what they should say, and how they should validate us.

But here is the deal: uncommunicated expectations are just premeditated resentments.

When we hold onto expectations that are rigid, unrealistic, or (most commonly) never actually spoken out loud, we aren’t setting a standard; we are setting a trap. When reality inevitably fails to match that internal script, the result is a predictable cycle of disappointment and anger.

“Expectation is the mother of disappointment.” (Attributed to everyone from Shakespeare to Spurgeon)

If we don’t bring those expectations into the light of honest communication, we leave no room for grace—only for the frustration of a “failure” the other person didn’t even know they were risking.

In my therapy work, I see how the need for certainty and control can fuel these rigid scripts. But sobriety—whether from a substance, a behavior, or an emotional pattern—requires us to sometimes surrender our expectations.

Ask yourself:
• Am I angry at a person, or am I angry that they didn’t follow a rule I never told them about?

Be gentle with yourself and others today.

02/23/2026

After affairs or relapses, lots of guys wonder how long it’ll take for their partner to forgive and “get past it.” Here’s the thing—there is no magic number; no way to calculate the number of months or years it’ll take for her to “move on” from the pain. The rupture from an addiction relapse or the discovery of an affair can send the attachment system into a tailspin. The repair work from such trauma is long and nonlinear. Many guys feel finally free from some besetting sin or love affair. But their wives are suddenly living in the fresh awareness of the sham and deception their marriages have been.

Guys, if this is you, all you’ve got from here on out, no matter how long it takes, is to live with rigorous honesty, predictability, consistency, faithfulness, and impeccable integrity. She’s worth it.

If you’re the wife of someone who’s fallen in such a way, you must do your own work, too, of course, without which, the relationship will never heal. There are wonderful groups that exist for this very reason: Al-Anon, S-Anon, ISA, etc. But know this: his sobriety is not your responsibility.

If this post registers with you, please find some help.

Be gentle with yourself and with one another.

02/21/2026

Your brain is wired for efficiency and prediction, not happiness.

Research shows the brain constantly tries to reduce uncertainty. What’s familiar — even if painful — is easier to predict. What’s peaceful but unfamiliar creates uncertainty, which the brain interprets as potential threat.

Attachment research (John Bowlby; Mary Ainsworth) shows we gravitate toward relational dynamics that mirror early attachment experiences. The nervous system encodes “familiar” as safe — even when it’s chaotic.

If your system learned chaos, chaos feels normal.

If, growing up, your parent was unpredictable—warm, cold, explosive, distant—you learned to scan the room, listen for the sound of footsteps, tone of voice, or dreaded silence… all of it mattered, and your nervous system created a model for relationships from that environment. Chaos became comfortable. Calm felt dangerous. You didn’t like the dysfunction, but it was wired in.

If your parent’s love had to be earned by performance and perfection, you probably go after emotionally unavailable partners now. Their inconsistency feels like love as you knew it. But when you meet a safe and present, available person, who texts back, communicates clearly, etc, you feel….bored. Then anxious. Something’s missing. So you pick a fight, pull away, longing for someone who keeps you guessing—bc that familiar pain feels like chemistry. But chemistry is not compatibility… esp when peace feels like uncertainty.

If any of this resonates, remember, you’re not trying to sabotage love; you’re recreating the emotional climate you were trained in.

Be gentle with yourself.

02/20/2026

One tool I use in therapy is TEMPO.
Trigger
Emotion
Meaning
Protection
(Organize)

What’s this mean?
Simply that a Trigger floods us with negative Emotions; and only because it Means something. And then we move into a self-Protective place where we don’t feel so vulnerable to this person (shut down, rage, act out, act in, whatever). There; we just Organized it.

What’s the purpose of this?
To show that you don’t have control over triggers or feelings, but you do have control over the meaning. This is your responsibility.

What’s it look like?
Go back to the person, and address the triggering event (“when you”), and your emotions (“I felt…), and add the meaning you made of their action (“because it seemed to mean that …..”). This isn’t easy. Looking under the hood of your heart and finding out why you were triggered takes patience and non-judgmental curiosity; as well as the ability to accept that you could be wrong about the meaning you made of their actions.

Next time you get , run this simple assessment. Identify the Trigger, name your Emotions; you’ll probably identify the Protective move you made (yelled, gunned the gas, slammed the door, went silent for 3 days, became sarcastic, felt the urge to hit, etc.), but the important thing is to do a deep dive into what the trigger MEANT—especially at an attachment level:

- you don’t love me
- you don’t respect me
- you are abandoning me
- I’m alone in this relationship
- you’re not there for me
- my feelings don’t matter

Once you know the meaning, you can move toward your partner and share it. You may be surprised how surprised they are.

02/19/2026

Missing someone hurts. That pain is real. But your pain is not proof of that person’s safety.

When someone you love is no longer there, your boundaries can wobble, absolutely. You feel sad. You feel alone. Your attachment system goes on high alert because the person your nervous system learned to organize itself around is gone.

Longing doesn’t equal trustworthiness.

Sometimes missing them feels like an emergency. Your chest tightens. Your thoughts race. You want relief. That surge isn’t revelation—it’s withdrawal. Your body is reacting to the loss of a familiar attachment pattern.

The brain wants the predictable dopamine spike of a known connection—even if that connection was inconsistent, chaotic, or harmful. Familiarity can masquerade as safety.

Don’t confuse chemistry with character.

Be gentle with yourself.

02/19/2026

No matter what relationship you’re in—married, dating, parent, friend, child—you long for connection. You’re wired for it. It’s in your DNA. Your attachment system, if secure enough (thanks to a present, predictable parent or caregiver when you were a child), is free to own mistakes you make relationships; is quick to confess and seek forgiveness, not from fear of abandonment, but from a built-in security that your mistakes don’t permanently mark you. When you grow up in a family system where you’re free to fail, you’ll often offer the same grace to those you love later in life. However, if you notice that you’re trying to connect with someone, and they seem resistant, ask yourself if you may have hurt them somehow and be ready to make amends from a sincere heart. If you’re in a relationship with someone who makes bids for connection with you, but consistently cannot take ownership or accountability for how their behavior, even after you’ve expressed how they’ve hurt you, it’s time for some clear boundaries. Loving, but clear.

02/18/2026

This doesn’t apply to every relationship, of course. Some of you are in abusive, wounding relationships. And you need to get out, now, if at all possible.

But for the rest of us who are in safe and healthy enough relationships, it’s important to remember that often, when we get “triggered,” it’s a sign not just of unfulfilled needs in the present, but deeply seated, often unconscious, emotional triggers from our past.