10/30/2020
Good morning. Buenos dĂas. Today is Friday, October 30th in the year 2020 where I live.
We haven’t had a heart to heart chat in a while and we need to talk:
A lot of you (like me) are grieving things. Perhaps it is not a child. Perhaps it is a marriage. A parent. A school year. A business opportunity. A friendship. A person a thing an opportunity it doesn’t matter you are grieving it. And somewhere along the line someone told you “you should be better”. You believed them... and you did a really great job pulling yourself up by those imaginary boot straps people LOVE to talk about. You put on “big person” underwear. And then.... the pandemic hit. And the grief is worse or back the same but you’re stuck because you believed what they told you. You believed the books and sermons with the “appropriate grief timeline”.
I don’t care if it’s your 2nd, 6th, 10th or 30th year of grief. Let’s clear up a few things:
1). It’s YOUR timeline.
2). The grief process is NOT LINEAR.
3). It is EVERYONE’S FIRST year of grieving during a pandemic.
4). Everyone grieves differently.
It means we have started from scratch. It’s everyone’s year one because we have never experienced grief during a life threatening pandemic. We are inundated with so much grief in media, grief in society, grief in our daily walk. This is year one of grieving Ana. In a new house. During Covid. The first Christmas in a house she never physically lived. The first year we have to grieve and spend holidays alone. The firsts matter.
Grief and loss are everywhere. Grief that we’re losing people. Grief that we are losing our things. Our routines and our rituals. And this compounds the other grief in our souls.
Do you feel better this year? Amazing! Do you feel worse, or the same? Be gentle with yourself. Meet this pandemic time with pandemic mercy. Feel free to blame me! If someone is getting on you for grieving- tell them one of them moms who lost a baby at newtown said “back off”! But also, a licensed clinical therapist. Because that’s me too. This is year one again. And that’s fact. Throw the book that tells you that you get 6 months to grieve in the nearest trash bin.
That we do not seem to have an end date makes this all that more insidious. Political unrest and racial injustice feel overwhelming and scary. But we must meet these pandemic times with pandemic faith and we know that no matter what happens we will get up. Do not base your “getting up” on outcome. But base your getting up on knowing it is what you deserve: A life of joy in the face of everything. The work of your hands matters. Strengthen the work of our hands.
It’s been a while since we have talked heart to heart like this. So grateful for the opportunity. I did a lecture about this the other day and I’ll put the link in the comments. And come back Monday for how love wins in teaching with Shakira Pérez and Bob Buckley from HPHS on CCSU: Central to You at 7 pm.
With great care and love and lifting on this first snowy day in CT. Be selfish with your health. Be rabidly protective of your well being. There is so much help out there should you need it. Ok? Sometimes help is seeking care. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes help is trusting what you always knew was right. ❤
Love still wins somehow,
Nelba Márquez-Greene
* adding a post script here for those who have experienced loss during this pandemic and have not been able to hold their loved ones as they pass on or have funerals and gather with people like we would usually do when someone dies. For you especially, we grieve. For the medical staff caring for loved ones in last moments, we grieve. For people going to work or school in unsafe conditions- we grieve. For hurting people, everywhere. We grieve.
For people making tough choices.
Sending Isaiah to school means no hugs until thanksgiving. It takes discipline to do this. I imagine the lives we are saving- to help get me through. đź’ś
