09/01/2022
When working with relationship patterns, it's often the things we are doing to keep the love that waters it down. What do I mean by this?
For the past few years I have run Becoming the One Group Coaching sessions. Time and time again, women will describe their dilemma to me - the person they were dating dropped off the map, things were going so well and then all of a sudden they pulled their energy back, they ghosted etc.
Usually when we get to the core of the story, these women were holding back some aspect of their authentic voice. A boundary, a need, a desire, a non-negotiable, or even a vulnerable aspect of themselves that felt tender and unlovable.
One woman pondered out loud on a call "I think maybe I used my voice too soon because we were only a few months in and as soon as I set a boundary and asked for a need to be met, he ghosted me".
I can promise you, the challenge is never that you are using your voice too soon, it's that you're not using it soon enough.
There's a difference between projecting your demands onto a person, and standing authentically in your truth, using your voice and being whole in yourself while stepping into relationship with another being.
The challenge when we hold back is we condition people to expect us to always be the way we're presenting. Subdued, "super easy going", needless, compliant, and none of these things create polarity - the necessary energetics and chemistry that make the relationship interesting. A little bit of healthy challenge is a good thing. We're not talking chaos here.
If a person is only in it because they think they don't have to show up and you suddenly change the game, they may bow out.
Withholding our energy always creates problems. No matter what, bringing yourself to the table and taking the risk to show up as who you truly are is always the answer.
That doesn't mean you won't get a no sometimes, or that magically people will always communicate with maturity and grace.
It means you stand firm in who you are and set the tone from the start. It means be willing to release those who aren't aligned for you without making it mean something about your worth.