05/17/2026
As my grandmother was dying earlier this year, I noticed something. As she appeared to become aware that her time in her body was nearing its end, something seemed to lighten in her.
Her health had been declining for a while, and then in the days, hours, and minutes before her final breath, I saw that the things that she had fretted over, worried herself with – they all started to melt away. This wasn’t a conscious process on her part, but a clear one. The woes of the world, the family events she wanted to see, the piles of junk still stacked in her garage… as she realized that there was little she could do, that her time left was so brief, her face showed a greater ease.
“Let it go,” she would often tell me, an urging I could accept only from a woman who had seen so many more decades than me. But it wasn’t actually until she faced her own foreshortened future that I really witnessed her doing this herself. Time slipping away might have caused her anxiety, but it also gave her clarity – and even peace.
Tomorrow’s my birthday, and so I’ve been thinking about her and thinking about what happens when our time horizons shorten. If that sounds morose, it’s been the opposite. It’s been a chance to consider what’s been clarified.
I don’t want to be in any space that doesn’t feel welcoming, nourishing, and true.
Adrenaline feels overrated and I don’t want to do things that are going to drive mine up.
I have no desire to compete with anyone. It’s not an energy that supports me.
I don’t want to make some big mark anymore. I do want to make many little marks.
I’ve loosened my grip on the notion of what’s ‘right’ and I’ve recognized how much my worldview is constructed, not fact.
I want to spend my time on things that feel truly meaningful – and that usually involves an individual or small group of people.
I won’t say I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore, but I like to think I have a much better gauge and shorten the spiral.
We have such a fear of our time slipping by – and I often do too – but I’m also so grateful for the way that a shortened horizon makes manifest what feels more true, more worthy of us. 🫶
