Sharonda LMFT-relaxrelaterelease

08/22/2021

You’re so much than you think, remember that!

Relax, Relate, Release. Repeat.

📸:Anton Kirindongo

08/21/2021

Is that too ? Because this is honestly what I want to say sometimes. Any other mental/emotional/behavioral/community health professionals agree?

This goes both ways! Hear me out. I’m not trying to impose on your personal boundaries when you have not asked me to help; AND I’m not interested in empathically listening and helping you solve a problem EVERY TIME we interact. Either of those situations would be draining for the both of us…and probably eventually create distance in our relationship.

I imagine it’s really similar to what doctors and lawyers experience from acquaintances and strangers, who casually slip in a question about a legal document or solicit advice about a new ache.

What I’m trying to say is, we’re humans too; and when I’m not at work, that is what I want to be seen as first. Honestly, it creates this sense of pressure to feel like we are always to be present in our professional role. Like there is no room for error—and that is unfair.

Because we are eternally learning and growing, just like you.

08/20/2021

Being Overwhelmed usually means we’re overdue for a self check in. Most of us don’t check in with ourselves as often as we should. It’s common not to realize that there even is a problem until we are burnt out—or worse—until we lash out, shut down and shut everybody out.

Here’s some helpful questions to ask yourself when juggling a lot of responsibilities, tasks or demands/requests from others.

How am I feeling? Can I handle this? Does this person really need this from me? Is there a way I can help this person help themselves? When was the last time I had a break? How do I feel in my body? How can I honor my own boundaries and still be effective? What is priority right now, and what could be planned for another time?

08/18/2021

Taking the first step toward your healing journey can be scary. But the advantages far outweigh the initial moments of fear associated with asking for help.

It's time to make a change.

📸:Anton Kirindongo

08/17/2021

Having officially been in private practice for 2 years and on Instagram for 1 year, its probably time to properly introduce myself...?

If you're a fan of the show "A Different World" then you know that our tag name is an ode to Whitley Gilbert played by Jasmine Guy, and Debbie Allen, who played the therapist.

Beyond that, I believe that the phrase accurately captures the therapy experience. Therapy is a place where we come to: learn coping skills to help deal with stressful or difficult situations and people (relax); examine patterns of thinking and past experiences to understand connections to the present (relate); and learn how to let old ideas and beliefs go in order to live a more fulfilling life today (release).

I started my private practice in July of 2019 after being abruptly fired from a job that I took while helping to care for my mom. And by abruptly fired, I mean I was emailed on a morning during the middle of the week before I even made it to my desk. The job was not related to mental health at all and I was the only woman among a majority of white men for a while; it was lonely to say the least.

After that I spent months looking for employment that never came. What's funny is that I filed everything to initiate my private practice the week before I was fired. Unknowingly! Looking back, I think that was the powers that be...pushing me to do something I was subconsciously second-guessing. The idea of trying to manage it all seemed very overwhelming at the time. Some days, it still is overwhelming! But I handle it. I continue to relax, relate and release.

08/17/2021

You probably hear people talk about being now more than ever before.

"I was triggered"; "He triggers me."

They are most likely referring to being emotionally triggered; or coming in to contact with people or situations that provoke an intense emotional reaction within us. Like anger, rage, sadness, and fear.

The next time you feel triggered, try to identify what happened--or who--that made you feel triggered. Then recall what you thought and what you felt after the "thing" happened. And finally, what did you do or how did you behave, as a result of those thoughts and feelings?

This is certainly not the end! BUT it sets the stage for awareness. From here you can think about other times this situation or person was a trigger for you. Then look for thinking errors that effect your ability to maintain self-control.

You got this.

event

07/23/2021

02/08/2021

We’ve been talking about how our parents’ parenting styles can play apart in our adult attachment styles. A real life example always helps me. So I’ll give you one of my own. My “daddy lessons”.

My father was not absent. I can’t remember ever living with him, because my sister and I were young when he and my mom separated. But he was very much around, he picked us up on weekends and I could get in contact with him if I needed to.

My father wasn’t absent...he was more absent-minded, I would say. Years later I realize I always got the sense that he was distracted by something; maybe a dream he wanted to achieve or something he never got from his own parent(s)—my grandparents. Either way, the s**t was devastating and mind-boggling for me as a child.

My 10th birthday is one I know that helped to shape my outlook and expectations of others. I played the memory over and over for the longest time, because I couldn’t figure out what didn’t sit right with me about it.

My dad told me he’d pick me up after school, to take me for a birthday meal. I was not hard to please and super excited. I remember getting home and literally calling him every 10 minutes after the time passed for him to arrive. He picked up the phone every time and reassured me that he’d be there. And he did, hours later.

I was still ready to go, but everything in my body was telling me it was about to go left. My dad came in with my uncle and took me into the kitchen and sat me on the counter, told me he couldn’t take me anywhere that day. I immediately started crying. That’s when my dad began to tell TEN YEAR OLD ME about the responsibilities and bills he has, and that he’ll take me out next week (or something, I was probably hysterical at this point).

My uncle, seeing how upset I was, told my dad he should try to take me somewhere. My dad insisted he couldn’t again. Eventually, they put me out of my misery and left. I don’t remember the rest of that day….

And we did go out a week later. To Burger King. The one around the corner from my house. This is the part that I said I couldn’t figure out what felt off about it, until years later. I couldn’t put my finger on why I still felt so wronged even though he did take me out, but then one day it clicked!

He made me wait for hours, pretending the whole way, to show up with a lame excuse and make me feel responsible for empathizing with him about adult situations, only to take me to a fast food joint—in the 90’s—where I ordered a damn KID’s MEAL! You made me wait a couple hours and week for that, you ruined my birthday for that? There was absolutely no one you could borrow $5 from? Not even my uncle Charles who was with you? On my birthday? And now I’m supposed to sit here and be pleased with this afterthought that no longer feels special?

My father WAS present—but inattentive, minimizing and dismissive. But what kid can really put words to that. This was a turning point for me. It was a moment I turned inward; why should I look to or lean on others when they will just let you down and probably play in your face about it?

For a long time, I coped in the form of ultra-independence. Not like, “I don’t need a man’s money”, but more like “I’m going to work 3 jobs to make sure I can take care of myself... and my mom... and my sisters if they need it.” From the time I was able to work, that’s what I did. When I was in high school, I went straight from marching band practice to work. I paid all my own senior fees and marching band fees. I had 2 jobs towards the end of undergrad; and as soon as I graduated, I stepped that up to 3. (I’m ashamed to say that I have worked 3 jobs at a time, more than once, smh).

In the end, none of that worked out for me. I’d be irritable and unhappy or my body would literally shut down on me. I had to learn from those consequences, improve my expectations and put boundaries in place for myself. I shouldn’t have to work a thousand hours to make a livable wage; AND I can allow myself to let others help me when they offer it.

Only after I connected the consequences of how I had chosen to respond all these years to what I had learned from situations like that with my father, and made conscientious decisions to move differently, was I really able to see the major impact it had on me and my well-being.

01/15/2021

“He wants me to be his mom, basically, I just can’t.”
“You need to handle your ‘daddy issues’! I’m not him!”

I think on some level we sense that our relationships with our parents and caregivers is largely responsible for our current beliefs and actions with friends and mates. One way of putting this in perspective is understanding attachment styles.

Attachment styles are the way we bond with our parent or caregiver, which helps us to develop our sense of security. They are a result of the way our parents and caregivers respond to our needs during childhood. There are 4 attachment styles.

Which do you identify with? Do the typical actions described on the part of the parent/caregiver mirror what you experienced as a child from your parent? How did their behavior effect you? Do your current friendships and relationships also look similar to the typical impact of that attachment style.

Did you notice a change in your parents’ responsiveness to your needs over the course of your childhood? Did you have a change in caregivers during your childhood, and were their responses to your needs similar or different?

These are important questions to start unpacking and making sense of how we behave in significant relationships.

10/13/2020

Trust your gut and honor your boundaries ❤️

08/27/2020

This is something I wish more people understood. Something I welcomed and was excited for when I started going to therapy myself.

I knew that things that had happened to me, as a child, had effected me in a profound way. For better AND for worse. But I never felt like I could be completely honest with the people who I wanted to tell the most: my family—mainly my parents.

It’s a conflicting feeling to have all these thoughts and questions about things that happened when you were younger; and at the same time to also feel a tinge of guilt because you know your parents did the best they could. Or at least that’s what you’ve been told. So who are you to question that?

Therapy is where I was allowed to question all that. I was able to resolve a lot of stuff on my own. And make new decisions based on what I can control.

So when I ask or suggest a friend or a family member should talk to someone, it’s coming from the most sincere place. I just want you to experience what I got to experience. Empowerment and self-control❤️

08/26/2020

Self Care is Revolutionary!

Yes even need this reminder.

It’s important I practice self-care when everything is going great, so that it’s second-nature when things get busy...or bumpy.

Thank you to my friend for the merch!

How do you practice self care??

07/28/2020

As a marriage and family counselor, I also facilitate therapeutic supervised visations and family reunification sessions with children and parents. Sometimes non-custodial parents struggle with finding ways to engage with their child during visits--not to mention actually keep the child's attention for the whole hour we are together.

As you can imagine, We've had to become even more creative with parent visit activities since moving to video sessions only.

All things considered, you might see how some visiting parents can start to doubt their efforts in creating a bond with their child; and maybe even become frustrated with the other parent.

If you're a visiting parent and are unsure where to start, it could be helpful to ask the other parent to update you on your child(ren)'s current interests, hobbies, shows, etc.

07/23/2020

Trauma bonds can exist in friendships too. Usually We choose our friends based on a shared interest or experience, like a job or class. Another type of shared experience is a traumatic one. Even though some people who become friends may disclose their traumas in the early stages of a friendship, a bond could also develop from having a sense of a shared experience—a sense of being familiar.

People who have experienced trauma(s) have different ways of coping to maintain some level of balance when they are stressed....Like isolating from everyone and ignoring calls/text messages for days; OR the opposite—needing to be in the company of others daily and spending hours talking on FaceTime for support. Another example is aggressively confronting friends over small issues; or extreme avoidance of any discussion that will cause mild tension or discomfort, even at the expense of their own well-being.

Imagine what happens when two friends with traumatic pasts have “opposite” coping skills. They may clash. One friend could feel smothered while the other feels ignored. One friend may see themselves as more ‘real’ for addressing things while the other sees themselves as more mature by sweeping things under the rug.

Over time (and several cycles of tension or conflict), some of these friendships end or become very distant for reasons we can’t quite put our finger on.

07/22/2020

How do you know if you're in a healthy-bonded relationship versus a trauma bond? Trauma bonds--especially in romantic relationships--can be hard to break...partly because they’re literally addictive.

The cycle of a trauma bond or toxic relationship includes periods of being drowned in love and affection, showering with gifts and attention; followed by harsh criticism, emotional and/or physical abuse (often unexpected). Then eventually back to "love drowning".

The cycle continues over and over; freezing romantic partners in an anxious or alarmed state. Each cycle releasing cortisol (stress hormones) and dopamine (pleasure/reward hormones). Over time and thru exposure, we physically become addicted to this chemical and behavioral cycle; we begin to crave it...we think we're in love.