Breathe Again Bereavement Doula

My Story

Friday January 30th 2015...

I woke up early that morning to spend some time with God and pray over my child that would be born that day. I laid on the living room floor and wrote in a green notebook, thanking God for a healthy baby and a successful csection. I then woke everybody up and we all prepared to go the hospital. It was snowing outside so we left a little early to get there on time. When we got to the hospital, we did our registration and I remember feeling so anxious and nervous. Once upstairs, me and my child’s father went to the back and my nieces stayed in the waiting room. I got undressed and put on the hospital gown and the nurse came in to hook me up to all the monitors. She asked me where they normally get his reading and I pointed to the bottom of my stomach. She put it on there and moved it around in attempt to find my babies heart beat. After a couple minutes I began to get really worried and looked at James in fear. I then started crying and told James this can’t happen. I texted many people and told them what was going on and asked for prayers. The nurse left to get somebody else and I sat up and then heard the monitor start beating. James told me to stay like that so they could see, once they came in they informed me that that was my heart beat. They brought in a ultrasound machine and the dr put it on my stomach. The next thing I heard was “there’s no easy way to tell you this” and then I completely lost it... I screamed and cried and ran out the room yelling for my mom. As I was running through the hospital my best friend came in and instantly started screaming with me... I can still hear my own screams... i begged God that this was not real. I rebuked the devil and told him to get his hands off my baby. many people came and waited in my room until I went back to surgery... I still believed that he was still alive or that by a miracle God would give him back. I laid on the operation table as they cut him out I could feel the tugging. The room was silent... no crying.... the nurse then took him and got him dressed while I laid there to be sown up. She then brought my beautiful boy to me and I just held his lifeless body and cried... we stayed in the hospital 3 days... 3 days i got to hug and kiss him by day and he would be put in a refrigerator by night. My nieces and friends did all his clothing changes. We all cried off and on and prepared our next steps. The day I was discharged I had to walk out that hospital without my child. This was nothing short of hell... the next few weeks that passed by are a complete fog.... but I remember telling myself that where I was then, I would not be there in the next years to come. I made a promise to myself that I was going to do the work of grieving and I was going to BREATHE AGAIN one day.