Lift After Drag

04/10/2020

HUMAN Quick Reaction Handbook (QRH)
Loss of Emotional Power

Condition: Event-caused loss of ability to cope with high emotional load.

Note: At high emotional loads, coping deterioration or flameout may occur.

1 Emotional GEN switches (all)…… RESET, one at a time

2. Choose one:

A single EMOTE OFF light stays illuminated:
-Go to step 3

Two or more EMOTE OFF lights stay illuminated:
-Go to step 5

All EMOTE OFF lights stay illuminated:
-Go to step ___

There you were, going about your business when humans across the entire planet started to shut down normality. Denial, bargaining, even anger all started to fester and build as we started to collectively grieve what was normal life. Positivity also began and memes abound circulated about how much time we have to accomplish all those things we wish there was time for before. Now, I don’t know about you but my desire to get all those things done went right where all that hoarded toilet paper will end up eventually. I think some got stored away in a dark place too, maybe a closet next to the towels. Anyways, time by itself is not the means to success. We’re still in the coping stage of what will become part of history and we’re all trying to figure out what just happened. During flight school, we learned aviate, navigate, communicate. Another version is maintain aircraft control, analyze the situation, take the proper action, and land as soon as conditions permit. Right now, we aviate and maintain aircraft control.

When aircraft experience a loss of electrical power, some electrical systems shut off automatically to reduce the load. This is called electrical load shedding. When news of the virus began spreading, it was like witnessing the first signs of electrical malfunction on the plane. Maybe a screen blinked, or a caution light illuminated. We didn’t have all the information yet. Then it became clear this was bigger than we thought, not just a tripped circuit breaker and it was time to take action. We began emotional load shedding, reducing the amount of emotional load our generators could take on to save the plane. This is coping, and it looks like relaxing a strict eating plan, increasing or decreasing physical activity, allowing kids more time on their devices, watching more entertainment, calling and video chatting, and then some. Meanwhile, tasks we always wished we had time for continue to wait patiently for action. If this doesn’t describe your situation, that’s okay too. We’re not all the same and we shouldn’t be.

If you’re not ready to move beyond just flying the plane, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s also okay to hand over the controls to regain the situation or even move on to analyzing the situation, navigating while control is maintained by the crew. Reach out to your crew, and if you don’t feel you have a crew I urge you to reach out and grab one. On the aircraft, the electrical load can be picked up by the Auxiliary Power Unit (APU) and the crew shares the load of navigating, communicating, and decision making. Enduring an emergency all by yourself isn’t heroic, cool, or smart. Who or what is your APU? Are you good at navigating? We are all in this together. Once we have a stable aircraft, only then is it time to tackle the patient tasks awaiting action. Until then, wings level and maintain altitude.

04/01/2020

Open the Hangar Doors

Show of hands, who is uncomfortable talking about grief and loss? Yeah that’s right, I write with a smile. Every time this topic comes up, people get squirmy and nervous like the words themselves are contagious. It doesn’t have to be that way. Every single one of us is going to lose someone or something precious to us, if not already. It’s well past time the dialog opens up and mourning becomes not only acceptable but cherished so we can help each other.

I always marvel at how we spend weeks studying and preparing for checkrides, yet there’s NO manual, flows, flash cards, paper panels, or knowledge banks for when we lose something. We rely on tribal knowledge, word of mouth, and isolated endurance to learn coping, resilience, acceptance, and peace. Did you notice the first letters of those four words spell crap? Sometimes that means we think a certain word in that group IS crap. For instance, acceptance is probably the most elusive of all those words and I thought it was garbage until I finally experienced it myself. We go through these words when crap happens. And people give us crap when they get all judgy about where they think we should be in the process of it all. So, it’s all CRAP.

Ask anyone old enough to remember 9/11 where they were that day and you’d get detailed vivid recalls of it. Ask anyone today where they were upon learning about the pandemic and I’ll venture to say no one even has a date range. This crisis came on like the proverbial frog boiling in a kettle, yet we have no idea how hot it’s going to get and can’t jump out of the kettle. The sudden snap of 9/11 had all of us talking, sharing, consoling, and we could do all that in groups greater than 10 and less than six feet apart. Ironically, social media and it’s much hated characteristic of fostering falsehoods, anger, bullying, etc. has become the medium of closeness we hang onto for dear life. I have to say I’ve enjoyed it not only because people are really bringing the funny, but also because my aunt allowed me to say goodbye to my dear matriarchal grandma one last time before she passed two hours later. This is hard, no doubt about it. I know a pang of sadness went through you when reading it and that’s exactly why I share it with you now.

Some of you may have already or may soon lose the position you worked so hard to get to. I might soon join you. We will be okay, I promise. In the thick of grief, it’s never ending and so painful you don’t think you’ll survive, or don’t want to. I promise with the right coping ingredients, endurance, and acceptance when able, you’ll see the lasting peace at some point. And don’t take crap about the process from anyone. Hang on for the Gs everyone and check 6 for each other.

03/22/2020

I’m feeling a shift in the force from disbelief this is all happening (feeling like you’re in a novel or movie) to the bargaining stage of coping. For me it manifests as looking for work after furlough, but sort of in a half assed way. I’ve seen some posts about how people feel like they’re doing this wrong somehow.

I promise you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not possible to do something you’ve never done before wrong. This will take new learning on all our parts and we will make mistakes along the way. You don’t even have to forgive yourself. Just acknowledge and move forward. Like Dory says, just keep swimming. Or Timon and Pumba, Hukuna Matata. Cut yourself a little slack and know you’re doing the best you can with the unknown finish line.

Speaking of unknown finish lines, in the book “How Bad Do You Want It” by Matt Fitzgerald, he talks about how much harder an effort feels when you don’t know how long you’ll have to gut it out. So, know that this feels really hard because we don’t know when and how it will end. You don’t have to win this, just keep shuffling along and figure it out as you go. Meter your efforts. Hang in there.

10/18/2019

This is exactly what grieving people need. Even if they’re mad and feel bad. It’s what they NEED!

09/29/2019

Yesterday.

Some people only get to live to today. The only thing they have is yesterday. Life can end in such sudden and tragic ways, one I experienced just yesterday. A 19 year old woman crashed her car just barely a minute before I came to the scene. I’ll likely never know the details, her family, or why she happened to crash. I just know stopping was the right thing yesterday. Laying a blanket over her was my only kindness.

She was 19, blond, white or Latina, and this is all I’ll probably ever know about her. Regardless of the circumstances, I grieve for her. I grieve for her family. I grieve for the life she’ll never live.

Yesterday, I saw every teenage blonde as the victim. Yesterday, I felt her mother’s pain. Yesterday, I felt guilty for enjoying my normal life. Yesterday, I leaned on my best friends for support. Yesterday, I decided flying 180 passengers from Denver to San Francisco was best done by someone else. I ate breakfast reluctantly. I snuggled with my dogs. I rolled around on my bicycle with my husband on his. I planned dinner but never executed. I told people about the woman I never knew and would never know.

Tragedy doesn’t have to be ours to be a tragedy. It may not last as long but it still requires pensive thought, self care, time to ponder. My sadness and discomfort will always pale in comparison to that of her family, but it is every bit as real. Take care of yourself when faced with someone else’s last day. Someone will eventually do the same for you.

05/30/2019

This is why I tell my story and why I’m an open book about my losses. It’s not for attention. It’s to show those with a loss that there is life after grief. It’s also to create a memory in the person who’s yet to experience it; I want to create a memory that anyone can survive it.

We have enough perfect people. ⁣⁣⁣
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We hit our quota a long time ago.⁣⁣⁣
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What we need are messy people who are brave. ⁣⁣⁣
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Hiding is easier but when you do, you miss two gifts. ⁣⁣⁣
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The gift you give the person who hears your story and learns from it. ⁣⁣⁣
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And the gift you give yourself from removing the sense of failure that scar might still be clutching to. ⁣⁣⁣
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⁣Not everyone is a safe person and worthy of your story. But some people are.⁣⁣
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And for those people, the scars you share become lighthouses that keep a new boat from crashing into an old rock. ⁣
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Question:⁣
Who is one of your brave friends?

05/21/2019

Posted with permission from another US Air Force officer. Being the leader who manages loss in a unit or organization is challenging. This officer had some helpful advice and thoughts to share:

Leading through loss

(With permission from the amazing widow who is on this site)

We talk a great deal about losing military members and have checklists and helping agencies that will guide us and our unit through it.

During command training, most have what we horribly call - death day- where they talk through the functionality and what to expect procedurally and usually bring in a commander and first sgt who have unfortunately experienced this firsthand.

This does not prepare you for it.

It warns you but nothing prepares you for the face of a widow...finding words for a grieving mother and father...sibling...friends...Air Force family.

Nothing prepares you for “we would like some snacks” okay...what do you buy? What comfort food is that comforting?!? I chose all the chips and ice cream and beef jerkey and cookies...and then felt bad and also got apples and carrots with ranch...and water.

I offered booze....tissues...body wash (because they were staying elsewhere) and more tissues...like the good ones...with lotion.

As you are working to help...who helps you -the leader - deal with the gaping hole in your ranks?

When is the right time to requisition a new person? Who helps you not feel like slime for doing that? (First Sgt really helped me with this)

I can tell you from experience...sadly...a few things that I hope will help other leaders through this time:

1. You need to take a minute before you brief others. To me, the repeating of the information to the varied levels of the leadership chain was like death by a thousand cuts. Leadership has to be informed but the repeating of it sucked. Find an ally to help get the info where it needs to go and take a second to calm yourself because this is about to get hard on everyone.

2. See the family and be yourself. My first sgt and I visited the family and the one piece of feedback I got was they loved that I was...me. I extended my condolences and proceeded to ask questions and speak to the spouse as me. No tiptoeing...respectful and sad - but was myself

3. Lean on support teams for your unit and for you. You need to talk someone...do it. Even if it is just to make sure the things you say are inline with what your people need. Our leadership team here has been AWESOME...from the chapel to the FSS...heck my Security Force brothers and sisters have been awesome...one stopped me at the gate and said “we are all so sorry for the loss in your unit”

4. Cry. If you need to cry do it.

5. Cry again if you need it.

6. Talk to your peeps. Really talk to them. Just because they may not have known the person does not mean they are not thinking of a past hurt or others they may have known.

7. Think of the webs. One person passed here and I am being contacted by two wings, random units that people moved too, Friends of the person in PME....it’s amazing the webs we form in the service and how they interconnect.

8. Did I mention to take time to grieve for yourself

9. If you are the person to speak at the memorial...speak. If you need to cry...cry and make it through. I think our peeps really need to see we love them and care about them and look how it impacts all of us personally that you are not here.

10. This is a process and will take time. That is okay. Some people will be fine. That is okay. Check on them all...love on the family...and be the leader you were the day before.

We are an Air Force family...we will stand stronger...
I hope this is never needed by folks...but for those that do...here are my thoughts

05/13/2019

Accept-dance

Acceptance is one of those elusive requirements in grief recovery that is hurtfully misunderstood. It goes on the list of stupid things people say, and makes something very difficult sound too simple.

Acceptance takes time, just like a dance. It’s not complete until it is, and it’s not “just” some simple decision someone can “just” make and they’re all better. There are steps and processes and there’s no fast forwarding through it. Movies and TV would have us believe something bad happens, and two episodes later it’s all good. That’s never real life.

Try not to let anyone dance alone unless they want to.

05/11/2019

A while back, I mused whether death could be funny and found very few things. During a recent conversation with a coworker, he brought this up and it’s brilliant.
https://youtu.be/6XxFW1G0Eq0

Provided to YouTube by Warner Music Group Dead Dad Club · Chris Hardwick Funcomfortable ℗ 2016 Comedy Partners. All Rights Reserved. Courtesy of Comedy Centr...

08/12/2018

I wish rest for this weary soul, who couldn’t see another way out of whatever misery he was feeling.

I think one of the things that bothers me most about the Q400 crash last night is how it demonstrates the extreme lengths that people sometimes go to end their lives when they feel like there are no other options. Our career field celebrates strength and bravery. While that is part of what makes aviation great, it is not a sign of weakness to admit that you are overwhelmed. In fact, doing so is usually the first step towards addressing your challenge.

It doesn't matter whether you are a pilot, a flight attendant, a loadmaster, or ground crew. We are all humans who experience joy and and sometimes extreme disappointments in life. We might have a unique job in a unique industry but our challenges aren't that different than other human beings. Sometimes those disappointments can add up and feel overwhelming. But we don't ever have to do it alone. You should know that no matter how bad your situation may seem, there is always hope.

If you are feeling down, don't go it alone. Reach out to someone. People care way more than you think. And there are ways to get help without impacting the career that you've worked so hard to achieve. If you see someone who is struggling, don't pile on. It takes a strong person to reach out to someone who is hurting.

If you don't have anyone to speak with and can't find anyone, feel free to message us, seriously. If you are experiencing thoughts of hurting yourself, don't stay in that place...seek help. You can call the National Su***de Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 anytime. Life is too precious to just give up. Even in the worst situation, there will be better days ahead. Take care of each other out there.

Jeff and the Avgeekery team.

04/08/2018

Reflection day: my dear cousin lost her beloved horse, an Air Force Thunderbird pilot known by many of my friends lost his life in a training accident, and many other friends of mine are living with loss of health. We are surrounded by loss sometimes, and it feels like there is no escape.

Negative feelings like grief and sadness feel like we should reject them, bury them, or find ways to ignore them. Is this true? I’m finding more and more throughout life that instead of avoiding them, it’s helpful to sink into them and feel the full weight.

Take a day to be serene and take comfort in the quiet solitude they bring. It’s important to give them their time and allow yourself to put them up on a shelf when you’re ready.

03/20/2018

Although this is a lovely idea, if a friend is suffering from real debilitating depression there’s a whole lot more to do beyond coffee dates.

However, it’s a great start ❤️ Being able to listen and sit with someone’s pain should be a life skill everyone ought to cultivate. Bonus points for resisting the temptation to “fix it”. Instead, offer to complete tasks for them like housekeeping, watching children, making appointments, and bringing meals over.

03/12/2018

Since “mornings are for coffee and contemplation”, I found myself wondering how to speak about death without getting that audience recoil effect, you know, the squirming and discomfort most feel because they don’t know what to say. Of course that led to a Google interaction: a search for “can death be funny?”

Humor is such a wonderful tool. My dad was a quick-witted sarcastic individual, and some of my friends would ask him to come hang out with us for a chance to hear a quip. He didn’t say much but when he did, it was SO worth it.

Being able to speak about death is important for the person grieving, but nearly no one has the tools to listen if the conversation is sad. I aim to change that, but I don’t know how yet. In the mean time, enjoy the video. It did make me laugh.

https://youtu.be/VwLH_l7uZ-Q

Comedians Ardal O'Hanlon, Jenny Eclair, Dave Spikey, Ricky Tomlinson, Shappi Khorsandi and consultant physician-turned-comic Kevin Jones tackle the biggest t...

01/24/2018

Even holding on can be near impossible sometimes. If you ever feel like letting go, seek out a helping hand immediately. There is no shame, or weakness in reaching out.

Sometimes in life you got to just hold on, hold on. And the courage comes in being able to share those feelings with those close to us, because if the wild has taught me anything, it is that we are always stronger together.

08/08/2017

This is brilliant! Speaking of lift and angle of attack, you have to be careful to know your aircraft characteristics so as not to cause a stall.

When we apply this to coping with personal tragedy, knowing yourself is highly important. If tragedy is currently happening, and you're pushing through it doing all the right things to cope then it can go a long way towards helping you recover. The warning here is pushing yourself too far too fast, which can lead to stall, crash, and burn.

Use lift, but be careful as you approach too much of it. Don't be afraid to land and rest either. It's all part of the flight plan.

07/24/2017

07/03/2017

When Loss Comes in Multiples

Several years ago after my dad passed, I became friends with another local cyclist in my community whose parents had both died within weeks of each other. We shared our thoughts and emotions about it, feeling like there was someone out there who could understand the "ganged up on" feeling of more than one significant loss. Today I found out this man's daughter had died and I contemplated how rare it seems that one person can have so much loss in their life, outside of tragic multi-person accidents.

The "why me?" question starts repeating itself, accompanied by its partner "what have I done to deserve this?" This creates more complication into what already seems an impossible task of living without someone. The answers to these questions just cannot be answered sometimes and that's infuriating, sad, and frustrating. My go to answers are:

1. Because bad things happen, and not just to good people but everyone. It can seem like we're the unluckiest person in our circle, and sometimes that's true. However, we don't have to look far to find someone whose experience is similar or in our minds worse than ours. Comparison isn't helpful though, so we just have to realize that acceptance of this simple "because" will take time and there's no particular rush.

2. Unless there is specifically something a person has done to intentionally cause the result of someone dying, there is no reason to think we have any control over the outcome. Being nicer, more forgiving, kinder, or something else good doesn't prevent loss. Similarly, being nasty, unforgiving, rotten, or something else bad does not lead to loss either. Just like the "because", the "nothing" takes time to accept as well.

Our little keyholes into a greater understanding of the world prevent us from being comfortable with unanswered questions. One of the really helpful exercises for me was reading about history and anthropology. There's something magical about expanding horizons, and thinking about other cultures and people who have had significant strife and devastation in their world. Combined with some studies on psychology and sociology, it made my inner emotions and thoughts less sharp. I felt as if I didn't need to know someone personally who "had it bad", but just that people as a whole struggled.

What doesn't help me is looking at the very edited social media lives of the world and thinking how charmed it seems. Behind every happy media post is something we have no idea about that is difficult for that person. If we are happy for the happy, yet suspect a struggle it just might be easier for us to see our lives as normal.

Just like it seems everything else works out in balance, taking a balanced view of the good and bad in our lives helps us cope when we're on the down cycle and keeps us more grounded on the up cycle. We can't stay aloft forever, so we can take stock that we won't be down forever either.