Frank Anderson, MD, 30 Domino Drive, Concord, MA (2025)

09/09/2025

In my latest memoir, To Be Loved, I write about the painful realization that, despite everything I swore I’d never repeat, I still found myself echoing the very patterns I once hated.

So many people know this feeling. You work so hard to break free, only to hear the same words leave your mouth, or feel the same reactions take over your body.

It feels like a war inside of you - the part that despises the behavior battling against the part that can’t seem to stop.

At times, it can feel almost like being taken over, as if your body is acting faster than your mind can catch up.

This isn’t because you’re doomed to become what hurt you. Trauma gets stored in several parts of the brain and body, priming you to react before you even realize what’s happening.

Under stress, those stored experiences often take over, no matter how determined your mind is to do differently.

That’s why healing isn’t about trying harder - it’s about finding new ways to work with what’s happening inside you.

The good news is the brain can change. With the right kind of support - whether through therapy, somatic work, or integrative approaches that combine neuroscience and coaching - those stored patterns can be released and new ones can be created.

Healing gives you the ability to pause, to choose differently, and to create the kind of connection you’ve always longed for.

09/09/2025

So many people come into healing with an image of what it “should” look like - calm, steady, and always moving forward.

But here’s the truth: those unrealistic expectations can actually set you back. When healing doesn’t match the picture in your head, it’s easy to feel dejected—like nothing is working, or like you’re back at square one.

But activations or painful emotions coming back aren’t signs you’ve gone backward. Healing happens little by little. You work through one piece, and when your system is ready, another piece rises to the surface.

That’s not regression - it’s your body giving you access to the next layer of healing.

Progress isn’t measured by never being activated again. It’s measured by what happens after. Over time, the same emotions and trauma responses lose intensity, last shorter, and don’t unravel you in the same way.

That’s the real arc of healing. Each time something resurfaces, your brain rewires. You recover faster. You learn something new. You grow stronger. That’s neuroplasticity at work - the science of how the brain can change.

If you’re experiencing any of this, it’s not a red flag. It’s a green light that your system is finally healing.

09/05/2025

Shame is one of the hardest wounds to heal — and it shows up in nearly every trauma story.

Research shows that people with PTSD and complex trauma don’t just carry flashbacks or hypervigilance. They also carry deep shame. Not because they’ve done something wrong, but because trauma wires the nervous system to believe: “I am the problem.”

That’s why so many people live with self-criticism, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. These aren’t personality quirks - they’re survival strategies built around shame.

And here’s what makes shame even harder: it doesn’t fade with time the way other wounds might. Because shame is stored in the body, each time it’s activated the nervous system reacts as if it’s happening right now.

Which is why healing shame isn’t as simple as repeating affirmations or telling yourself, “I am enough.”

Positive self-talk is important, but on its own it rarely reaches the shame that’s held in your body and wired into your nervous system.

So self-talk alone can’t heal it. Neither can avoidance — the procrastination, overdrive, or numbing we often use to outrun it.

Healing shame takes something deeper: creating safety in your body, releasing what’s been held inside, being seen, and rebuilding trust in your relationships and your story.

Shame may be part of your past, but with time and the right support, it doesn’t have to define your future.

09/04/2025

Numbing yourself can feel like relief - like finally shutting off the noise.

And in the moment, it is relief. It’s your nervous system saying, “This is too much right now, let’s press pause.”

But here’s the truth: you can’t numb selectively.
The same wall that quiets grief, anger, or pain also dulls joy, love, and connection.

Your body is doing its best to protect you- but protection isn’t the same as healing.

Numbness may keep you safe for a season, but if you stay there, it slowly drains the color from life. You stop feeling the lows and the highs.

Real healing happens when those emotions get a safe place to move through you instead of staying locked inside. That might look like talking it out, letting your body release what it’s held, or working with a therapist who can guide you through the layers of grief and pain.

Because your emotions aren’t enemies to be silenced - they’re signals that need tending. And the more you learn to feel them safely, the more room you create for joy, love, and connection to return.

08/28/2025

Panic attacks aren’t just random disruptions. They’re messengers.

Sometimes they point to stress you’re carrying right now. Other times, they’re echoes of old trauma or overwhelm that you are not aware of yet or that your body hasn’t finished processing.

Either way, they’re signals from a system that’s working too hard to protect you.

The goal isn’t just to stop panic—it’s to understand what it’s pointing to. With the right support, those same alarms can become invitations: to slow down, to heal unresolved pain, and to teach your body that safety is possible again.

You don’t have to live in fear of panic. You can learn from it, and with healing, you can move forward with more awareness and freedom.

07/25/2025

If imposter syndrome has followed you into your success - there’s nothing wrong with you.
There’s something your system still remembers.

For many people, especially those with trauma histories, success doesn’t automatically feel safe.

It can activate old wounds —where being visible once came with pressure, judgment, or rejection.

So even when you’re doing well, somewhere inside, you might still brace for impact.

Not because you’re ungrateful.
Not because you’re a fraud.

But because your nervous system learned to stay on guard.

That’s why the fear doesn’t go away with more achievement.

Instead of pushing past it—try getting curious:
🌀 When did this fear first show up?
🌀What did success, visibility, or failure feel like in your family or culture?
🌀What protective belief still says it’s safer to stay small?

This isn’t who you are.
It’s something you learned to do.

And with care, compassion, and the right kind of support—you can teach your system something new.

07/23/2025

We’ve been taught to treat addiction like a brain disease to be managed— when in many cases, it’s a multi-dimensional wound that needs to be healed.

And when trauma is part of the story, healing isn’t just about abstaining.
It’s about integrating.

Because relapse isn’t failure.
It’s often the body’s last-ditch effort to soothe pain it doesn’t know how to hold.

Addiction isn’t always about the substance.
And it’s never just about willpower.
It’s what happens when the nervous system gets overwhelmed-and reaches for the only thing that’s ever offered relief.

For some, addiction begins with genetics or reward-seeking.

For others, it starts with emotional pain that had nowhere to go.

But for many, it’s both: a brain wired for craving, and a body carrying pain.

🧬 Yes, neuroscience tells us addiction reshapes the brain—dulling the prefrontal cortex, over-activating the amygdala, and conditioning the system to seek short-term relief at all costs.

But that same science also tells us: the brain can change.

Especially in environments of safety, connection, and internal integration.

It means we don’t stop at behavior.
We go deeper into the brain, the body, and the story.

We work across disciplines such as:
🧠 Neuroscience to understand reward circuitry
🛋️ Psychotherapy to explore emotional wounds and relational patterns
🎯 Coaching to build capacity, momentum, and motivation
🔄 IFS to understand internal coping strategies
✨ EMDR to process trauma memories
🌀 Somatic therapy to release what the body still holds

Because most addiction treatment still focuses on managing the behavior or medicating the brain. But it rarely teaches people how to feel.

How to grieve.

How to come back into relationship with themselves.

And without that, relapse isn’t just possible—it’s predictable.

Integration isn’t a luxury. It’s the missing piece.
Because when trauma shapes addiction, only healing can truly resolve (or release) it.

07/17/2025

It’s not just indecision. It’s protection.
If you’ve ever felt stuck on a choice that should be simple—like replying to a text, answering an email, or deciding whether to stay or go—it might not be about being unsure.

It might be that part of you doesn’t feel safe to choose.

When your nervous system links decision-making with past pain—rejection, regret, punishment—it can activate a full-body freeze response. Not because you’re flaky. But because your system is trying to protect you.

So you loop. You spin. You ask everyone else what they’d do. And still… you stay stuck.

Here’s the thing:
🔹 Indecision isn’t always about not knowing.
🔹 Sometimes, it’s safer not to know.
🔹 The real healing starts when you ask, “What part of me is afraid to choose—and why?”

You don’t need to rush clarity.
You don’t need to force a decision.
You can begin by getting curious about the protection underneath the paralysis.

07/16/2025

I get asked this question all the time.

If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you might be sorting through a deep fog—questioning your memory, your instincts, even your worth. That’s not just emotional confusion; it’s nervous system injury.

Gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional withdrawal—these are real harms. And they can leave lasting imprints.

So let’s start here: You don’t owe compassion to someone who continually violates your boundaries.

That said—here’s what I’ve seen: narcissistic traits often develop as protective adaptations to early trauma. When a child grows up without being truly seen or soothed or loved, they build an identity that says, “If I can’t be loved for who I am, I’ll be admired for who others need or want me to be.”

But compassion for their pain does not require self-abandonment.

Insight doesn’t equal unlimited access.

Understanding doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment.

And here’s where I want to be clear: I don’t support the pathologizing or polarizing language that says “narcissists are evil,” “they can never change,” or “throw them away.” That kind of othering may feel justified at first, but it often keeps us stuck in cycles of blame, reactivity or feeling vicitmized—when what we really need is clarity, boundaries, and repair.

Healing isn’t about excusing behavior. It’s about seeing the full picture—how trauma can create protective masks—and deciding what you need to heal from.

Think of it like this: If someone’s drowning, they might pull others down with them. You can understand why they’re panicking. But you’re still allowed to swim to shore.

An integrative trauma approach means holding both: The reality of your pain AND the humanity of the person who caused it.

But here’s the key: accountability is non-negotiable.
For healing to happen—on either side—there must be willingness to look inward, repair harm, and grow.

If you’re fresh out of a narcissistic dynamic, your job isn’t to fix them. It’s to come home to yourself.

07/10/2025

Can you erase a traumatic memory? Not exactly.
But you can change how your brain and body stores it.

This is what memory reconsolidation makes possible.
It doesn’t implant false memories.
It doesn’t sugarcoat what happened.
It rewires the emotional charge, the body’s reaction, and the beliefs that trauma once burned into place—so the past no longer hijacks the present.

And here’s the best part: You can do this without medication or hypnosis.

Therapies like IFS, EMDR, and somatic work activate this process naturally—by helping your brain update the memory, instead of just avoiding it.

You’re not erasing what happened. You’re reclaiming the power it took from you.

07/09/2025

The voice that says, “You’re falling behind,” “You’re not enough,” “You’re messing this up”— isn’t trying to hurt you. It’s trying to protect you.

Your inner critic didn’t appear out of nowhere.
It learned how to speak that way—from a parent, a coach, a teacher, or a culture that equated worth with performance.

It watched what worked.
It copied the voices that kept you quiet and compliant.
Even if those voices were harsh, pressuring, or full of fear.

Now, it shows up when you’re under stress.
When you try something new.
When you get visible.

Not to ruin you—but to keep you out of harm’s way.

But that doesn’t mean it’s helping. A survival strategy can still cause harm—especially when it goes unchecked and unexamined.

Healing the inner critic isn’t about silencing it. It’s about understanding it, and showing it a new way to help.

Ask yourself:
🌀 “Where did I learn to protect myself this way?”
🌀 “Is this voice still serving me?”
🌀 “Can I respond differently instead of reacting?”

This is how the cycle ends.
Not with shame. But with curiosity, compassion—and change.

07/05/2025

The way you understand attachment shapes the way you experience it.

And when that understanding is distorted, it can affect everything— how you see yourself, how you protect yourself, and how you connect with others.

That’s what this post is about: unlearning the myths we’ve inherited about attachment—
so we can make space for something more accurate, more compassionate, and more healing.

And before we go further, I want to be clear:
Labels like “anxious” or “avoidant” can be incredibly helpful. They give language to patterns that once felt overwhelming or invisible.

But when we start treating those labels as fixed identities, we stop short of healing.

These patterns were never meant to define you.
They were meant to be understood—and then transformed.

These myths may seem harmless, but they’re not.
When we adopt them as truth, they shape how we judge ourselves—and how we judge the people we love.
They keep us in patterns of disconnection, shame, and defensiveness—when what we actually need is curiosity, care, and repair.

That’s why nuance matters.
You didn’t choose your attachment style.
But you can choose how you relate to it now.
Not with shame or self-diagnosis—but with compassion.

Frank Anderson, MD

09/09/2025

09/09/2025

09/05/2025

09/04/2025

08/28/2025

07/25/2025

07/23/2025

07/17/2025

07/16/2025

07/10/2025

07/09/2025

07/05/2025

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share

Category