07/08/2021
Summer of Love week 3:
Turning towards instead of away 🧡
This week is about making bids for connection. This happens not only in the day to day, but also during conflict when it’s most challenging to turn towards our partners. The majority of conflict actually comes from missed bids for connection, turning away from each other or worse, turning against.
Turing towards takes various forms… a kiss good morning, showing interest when our partner is talking about something that might not interest us at all, making a cup of coffee just the way they like it, putting down the phone when with each other, doing an activity of our partners choosing, or even just a simple physical touch when we are in disagreement.
This is opposite from turning away which looks like not answering or acknowledging when they speak to us, leaving without saying goodbye, or a literal turn away like turning our back to our partner. The more aggressive form, turning against, can look like “oh, what now?”, an eye roll when a need is expressed, or dismissing the others need completely with a “that’s your problem, not mine”.
This weeks exercise is to actively practice turning towards each other’s bids for connection. A bid is anytime your partner tries to engage and connect with you, either verbally or physically.
This weeks exercise:
- Plan one activity each that the other partner will happily do
- Greet each other or leave each other with a “6 second kiss”
The 6-second kiss is a Gottman exercise to re-ignite the physical connection you once shared. In 6 seconds you’re not just saying a quick hi or bye, you’re feeling each other’s lips, you’re tasting each other, feeling the energy of each other’s bodies connected 🔥
Let’s get it going! Have fun, lovers!