07/21/2021
Summer of Love week 4:
The Positive Perspective 💛
Manage Conflict 💚
Ever noticed all of the things someone can do to irritate you? How about when you get into conflict? Is it easier for you to notice what the other person did? Depending on the extent of how often this happens, getting into this headspace can be very destructive to a relationship.
Maintaining positive perspective will require both partners to make consistent efforts to notice what the other is doing right, rather than what they are doing wrong or what they did not do. Despite our moods, despite our differences. This positive perspective is built using the tools from the last three weeks of posts that we have already covered.
This looks like:
Acknowledging and Appreciating
Noticing their good qualities
Giving the benefit of the doubt
Small things often
Doing so allows easier transition into the next piece, which is managing conflict. It’s really easy to get into defensiveness, shut down, and contemptuous language when we feel like our partner is the enemy. We need to consistently have reminders throughout our days that we are on the same team, working together, for the good of ourselves as individuals and the safety and security of the relationship.
The Gottman‘s use the word “managing“ rather than resolving, because conflict is inevitable in every relationship. There are some issues that will never be resolved, and this is normal. We need to learn to manage our responses to one another and not get into negative cycles overtime, leading to complete breakdown of the relationship.
This weeks activity:
Have a conflict discussion. Yes, bring up a perpetual issue in the relationship and take turns expressing your unresolved feelings about it. Do not speak while your partner shares. Within this conversation, you are to make efforts to accept your partners influence. Meaning, saying things such as “I get why that’s upsetting to you” “I understand why you felt that way” or “I agree, I could have handled that differently”. Do not defend your side at all during your partners sharing. Once your partner feels like they are complete and understood, switch sides. Have fun lovers!
