09/12/2025
I came to rehab in April of 2021 with an addiction to alcohol and only that. I was scared about everything when I came to the program. Never been to California, didn’t talk to people about my problems, his everything about my “secret” life about alcohol. My girlfriend and family were the ones that pushed me to go, but I wasn’t ready from the start.
I spent 30 days in rehab and did ok. I was mentally weak while I was there. I had the craziest physical reactions to being sober during my tenure where I felt manic for days, which I’m assuming is very common. I loved activities like physical activity, yoga, and sound baths while I was in rehab. I also loved talking with the talk therapists. I met fellow patients while I attended and even got some numbers while I was there and followed up with 2 of them years later.
Towards the end of rehab, I was already craving but I did not have the finances to continue (although I think there was a scholarship offered for me to continue). I left with my girlfriend at the end of 30 days. We stuck around for a couple of days and I was able to run a 5K run while she finished a half marathon and checked the state of California off her list.
When I returned home from Minnesota, I essentially relapsed immediately. I wanted the craving gone and I was curious as to how strong I was. I was not and fell into addiction again for over a year. I was struggling during this year. Drunk at work, showing up early but just barely, and I was drinking throughout the day to keep my shakes away and my sociability/likability high. I was convinced this made me a MORE LIKABLE person, but it destroyed my relationships at home. I really do not remember much about that year after rehab, but I remembered what it felt like to not have to do math all day long to make it to the liquor store or calculate how much I had left to get me through the night. We had ring cameras in our home for safety that I would shut off for periods at a time to avoid detection. I was hiding drinks under floorboards, in leaf bags, in the attic, everywhere. That feeling of freedom was always in the back of my mind.
Summer of 2022 came around and I really started noticing my physical health degradation. I remember one trip. We left for gooseberry falls in northern MN for a long day of hiking (along with a bottle hidden in the car). We stopped about 6 times on the drive up because I had to use the restroom constantly. I was miserable. We got to the falls and I could not even do the hike because of my health. I was too anxious to get too far away from a toilet or a car and was sweating profusely the entire trip. I had 5 high heart rate notifications on my Apple Watch while we were just sitting in the car or the next day just sitting on the couch. It started to scare me.
I had my last drink on 09/08/2022. I had convinced myself that I was either going to die of drinking or I was going to die trying. I didn’t want to do rehab again, but the motivation was there. I quit cold turkey. I didn’t have any major withdrawals, but they were there. I drank tons of water to keep myself hydrated thinking this would be my saving grace, and it seemed to help.
Every day, I counted. Nobody seemed excited for me though, and it was tough to keep it secret. I had very few people I trusted to tell. Less than a month later, my girlfriend’s mother passed away from an overdose. They ruled it a su***de due to the amounts of drugs and alcohol in her system. It was a Tuesday morning and I remember getting to work. The phone rang and it was my girlfriend describing to me what her stepfather had just told her. I was devastated. The strongest woman I know reduced to tears, fear, and anxiety about life itself. I wanted to be there for her and it made my sobriety stronger. I couldn’t end up the same way and completely destroy this girl who would become my wife. Her mom’s funeral was my one month sober.
December 2022 I was REALLY struggling with sleep, anxiety, and depression for multiple reasons. I suppose this could have been side effects to cold cutting alcohol, but my dreams were constantly about death including my wife’s mom, my own, and my family. I came home one day, took a nap, and I dreamed of harming my dog. I immediately took myself to the hospital and got help. Finally I was able to sleep. I also found that I had high blood pressure and cholesterol and basically thought I was on the road to the worst. This is when I picked up running. While I was on pills for anxiety and pills for depression/sleep, I found that running was helping me with both anxiety and my sleep issues. I didn’t like some of the pills side effects, so about 3 weeks in I was able to take myself off the pills and function completely on my own through healthy eating and lifestyle changes. I lost 45 pounds in 3 months and knocked about the same amount off of my cholesterol levels.
The healthy living has kept my weight off since, it’s kept my addictions to alcohol away (although some would say this is addiction replacement). Running is som**hing I do now to calm my anxiety down as opposed to drinking my life away. I honestly can’t stand the strong smell of it anymore. I hate seeing people consuming it because I know what it did to me. I call it running away from my problems, which my wife hates. This is the reality of it though. If I’m scared or anxious, I run and it flows the endorphins through my body which helps me think more reasonably and rationally. (I’m currently signed up for talk therapy for the first time since 2022 as I understand that there are times I CANT reasonably go for a run when I’m stressed.). All of that running came to a peak in June of this year when I ran grandmas marathon in 4 hours and 16 minutes. It was an amazing experience. From not being able to drive to complete a hike to running a marathon. It feels so LIBERATING!
Life has been great for the most part since I quit. I got engaged with my now wife in March of 2023 and was married October 1, 2023. We are now expecting our first child in November after some difficult miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies last year, because life does not get easy when you quit!!! It’s still difficult!
I know I still have downfalls, but I’m working on them (Never stop working on you if you want it!!). I’m still not confident in myself in public settings. I am anxious when I talk with people and would rather avoid them all together (great attributes for a doctor). As I’m writing this, I feel like my story is very negative which has always been easy for me to talk about. Talk about the negative attributes instead of being positive about things. It’s still easy to find my flaws.
My wife even called me out the other day because my dad seems to like to hang out with others who drink as opposed to me. She asked me why I still talk about myself negatively or in a way that I think I’m more fun if I’m drunk. I had a hard time with this question. My experiences making friends were always more successful when I drank. I think the biggest thing I was able to do was be comfortable knowing that I’m not a very social person and I like me more when I’m doing ok. I’m more comfortable with who i am in general and the friends I do make are more interested in doing things I have interests in. (I plan to talk with my therapist about these thoughts as well to keep improving me).
I have come to appreciate the little things in life. Going on walks and noticing anything and everything. One of the oddest things I experienced was eating fruit. Like, I had not been eating them when I was drunk and all of a sudden I’m appreciating everything about them? I just appreciate LIFE so much more. I like being in nature constantly because I know it’s a safe place for me. I even picked up mushroom hunting, which is really fun if you like eating edible mushrooms (non-hallucinogenic varieties). Plus, it’s an entirely free hobby. I was able to golf, hunt, and even hang out with college friends who are still stuck drinking to have fun. It does not bother me. (These were potential trigger activities I identified in rehab).
It’s crazy to reflect on the past 5 years. I’m glad someone reached out because I’ve kept my story hidden. I don’t like AA because I wasn’t strong enough when I went, so I didn’t have that community to talk with and I still don’t. (I’m celebrating 3 years TODAY and no one has said a thing). The general public really doesn’t care to ask my story either, even when I touch upon my past. I just keep fighting, which seems pretty easy because I’m really not interested in going back. Thank you for the 30 days of relief, because I never forgot how it felt. The experience really helped me in the end.
- Daniel
