Landlubber Logistics

08/05/2025

Billy here…

Another year has passed, both for Landlubber and as of today, for me too. Here’s to 11 years of Land-Lubbin’ and 66 years of me roaming around on this snarky little planet…

I’m kidding, Landlubber is actually only 5 years old and I’m actually immortal but to prevent mortal jealousy or becoming a science project, I’m 46.

I must say, this year was pretty amazing. No names were carved into my trusty yet menacing Book of Doom and we once again outperformed the year prior.

As we grow each year, we collect more and more amazing clients. Our large roster of returning far away friends that we shop for willingly, pretty much annually and without a doubt, extremely meticulously, are awesome people and Cory and I are forever grateful for their continued support.

The random stranger appears from time to time, new to the process, foreign to the island terrain. We are quick to help, as always, and gather a few things for them. Some are nice. Some aren’t. Some I suspect don’t even know how to read based on their impulsive oversights to how our process works but many of them do make the cut for a one off delivery. Could be a bucket list trip, a virgin Caribbean conquest or the last place that will welcome them due to their nefarious travel manners. Regardless of their motives, we still make sure our services are stellar.

Fortunately for us, much like opiates and the Carribean itself, one trip just isn’t enough thus making one Landlubber delivery just not enough and some strangers soon become Lubberjunkies, unable to disband from the idea of the arrival day ecstasy we offer. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional one delivery stand but the reality of our services is once you use us, you are more than likely going to use us for all your future trips. It’s just science… and addiction… but not considered a disease by many.

It’s super cool knowing that we have become an integral part of so many peoples vacations here on St. John. At this very moment, one of you is likely contemplating the idea of courting us for a delivery or chatting with your travel mates about whether using Landlubber for your 2026 visit is a good idea or not. That’s crazy to me! In my early 20’s when my name was mentioned behind closed doors it came equipped with adjectives like ar****le and muthertrucker. It probably still does but many of those same people then order groceries and ask me to put their items in the fridges of their vacant 7 days homes.

But, like any crazy person, there is a dark side to this scenario. It’s called doubt and I trouble myself with this idea at the end of each season. Even though Landlubber is always gaining speed and new guests, I’m one of those people always contemplating when the wheels will fall off. Each year I question whether or not our services will continue to be popular. Using the Book of Faces for most of our marketing I’m forced to peruse various travel pages to ensure our name isn’t getting unjustly used or mingled into any sort of slanderous musings.

Thankfully the adjectives that are commonly grouped with our services (still not me, just Landlubber) are things like amazing or great or even sometimes awesome. That’s not what I worry about.

It’s the rise of adult lunchables (people packing food for 7 day stays to save a few C notes), the constant yammerings about prices and the daily fearmongering that social media promotes that worries me.

Will these pork chop packing, chicken breast smuggling, Teddy Graham hoarding heathens overtake the need for sellable groceries at all travel destinations?

Will grocery prices go so high that people begin fasting for their entire 7 day stays?

Will AI create a similar service, invade our island and enlist an army of drones and sort of cute yet highly deadly robot pack animals to replicate what Landlubber does minus the salty satire and mean spirited vibe we enlist to keep our edge and s**tty people away?

It sucks that small island businesses like ours have to worry about these pitchfork carrying, imaginary milk crate standing, online and possibly robotic creatures but you can’t help but wonder how much of the interwebs uncooked spaghetti actually sticks, right?
Cory says I’m crazy. I think I’m careful.

I don’t even like shutting down for September. I fear that my bio engineered twin brother who was thought to be dead after a botched railroad heist in the summer of 47 will resurface and start his own grocery delivery service here on St. John and upon my return from vacation I will be forced to fight him to death atop Peace Hill to preserve our dual gender (Cory is a girl, I’m a dude, we are a team, thus dual gender) alpha position atop the grocery delivery hierarchy. Sounds nuts but could happen…

The only thing we can do is just keep doing what we do, regardless of my crackpot and slightly schizophrenic ideations.

Each year I can say with confidence that our staff made sure each and every one of our guests got everything they asked for THAT WAS AVAILABLE on this island for their arrival day and most importantly, were happy with what we do.

If they weren’t, well shame on those that didn’t report their displeasure. We can’t fix what we don’t know and while we are far from perfect (but pretty close), we are profoundly responsive to our errors.

If that’s not enough to avoid being overshadowed by robot delivery drones or overtaken by fictitious twin brothers returning from the dead to usurp us, well, then I don’t know…

What I do know is that our official last day of this season is:

8/23/25

If you would still like pre arrival delivery this month, email us at:

Stjdelivery@gmail.com

For more details about our services, visit:

www.landlubberlogistics.com

Please note that we are still available for emails and requests for in season deliveries all throughout September. Last year somehow it got portrayed that we were not and then on October 4th when we returned from vacation we got like 300 emails all at once and it was horrifying. Email us during September so you can reserve your arrival date because starting the end of October things get weird (and spooky, yay!). Email early or dates may get booked completely.

We are again available to start delivering:

10/10/25

Thank you to everyone who partook in our services this year and thank you to all of you for your delightful birthday wishes.

Truth be told, I can’t even express how grateful I am to have Cory, my cousin Derek, our employees, our clients and our many, many, many indoor (2) and outdoor (31) cats. Landlubber has allowed me to carve out a pretty cool niche on an island oasis in the middle of the Caribbean and never in a million years did I think I would be slinging groceries to strangers on St. John at 46.

Pretty awesome so see you next year and screw you Eric Maupen…

And now, for one last time this season and before our triumphant return, here is some fridge p**n and feral cats for your eyes to feast upon!!!

With much love,

The Landlubbers… see you in the fall!

07/18/2025

07/17/2025

Billy here…

It’s July and things are definitely getting stuffy and sticky. I don’t know what it is about the summer months and customer service jobs but everything seems exhausting and somewhat annoying. It’s not your fault. It’s a seasonal thing.

While doing my usual rounds monitoring social media, checking to make sure all is well in the world of hearsay and half truths, I found myself on Trip Advisor investigating details concerning a recent email inquiry we received. A random guest messaged us asking if we could prepare a 7 day itinerary for August, complete with round trip tickets, dinner reservations and pre planned excursions. A real red carpet roll out.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up. The audacity to not only burden me with grocery shopping but your entire trip! What sort of new, awful breed of diabolical clientele was this?! Did the average needy and helpless traveler evolve into an even more needy and helpless super creature?

Moments after the first email he sent a second, rescinding his initial request stating that he went to our website and realized that he must’ve misread the Trip Advisor post concerning our services.

I instantly shouted from my man room (the second bedroom in our house that isn’t cool enough to be a man cave, so it’s just a man / cat room)

“What devil posted that we were a concierge service on Trip Advisor?! This must be stopped immediately!”

Cory heard me from the other room angrily yanmering and slamming things but did as she usually does and ignored me. Screaming in aggravation about guest emails is a common occurrence in our household at night.

I searched through endless Trip Advisor St. John forum posts and I found nothing even closely alluding to the fact that we were paid by the hour, hand holding, trip planning prostitutes. I did find a lot of awesome people supporting our services and saying nice things about us. That was super cool. Thank you strange people of Trip Advisor.

I did find one thing that was rather upsetting.

First off, you think I write a lot? On Trip Advisor people detail their entire trips, start to finish. They are so detailed that one lady even made mention of their waitresses eye color and blood type. It’s crazy. Ten, fifteen page tales about strangers and their vacations. Totally weird. I guess it’s helpful to others but to me, weird and I myself am super weird.

The thing that bothered me was how many people complained about how sad and haggard people that lived here seemed during their June and July visits. Go check it out. It’s crazy.

Well, let me the first to tell you, this isn’t Disney World folks. We aren’t paid actors. We are tired service industry people who have been going hard since October.

Cory and I have had 48 days off since October. You should be happy that many of you don’t even see us because if you did I have a funny feeling we wouldn’t be as popular as we are.

Give the people that work here some credit. You are here for like 7 days and in that time SOME of you should be thankful no one punched you in the face. Many of you are awesome but I’m 100% sure there are a few of you that are quite familiar with random black eyes.

Seriously, I know as a a visitor people get here and go “how could anyone be sad in such a lovely place???”

Because we live here year round.

We pay for the same over priced groceries you complain about daily.

We experience ALL the power outages not just the 2 hour one that ruined your friend Jen’s Bachelorette cocktail party.

We see the sargassum in the water and smell it each time we drive through coral bay.

Yes our days off are spent on pristine beaches but during high season it’s not even worth it to go to any of them until after 4:00. Any earlier and we have to pray for empty spaces in the overflowing beach parking lots or just concede and join in on the hazard of illegally undulating cars on the roadsides. Once we arrive the once beautiful and serene ocean views are blotted out by makeshift Gypsy tents and blue tooth speakers blaring country rap and other assorted musical atrocities. There is no escaping.

So yeah, by June and July, we aren’t the cheeriest of bedfellows but please, cut us some slack.

Restaurant workers have greeted thousands of people before you and more than likely a few of them didn’t tip them.

Bartenders have heard thousands of stories, none of which interested them in the least but all of which stole minutes of their lives they will never get back.

Property managers know that some of their villas are old and falling apart but guess what? They don’t actually own the villas. You know how many people they have to call to authorize a squeaky door replacement or to remove a patio paver that you and only you consider a tripping hazard. Plus, the people that stayed in that very same villa last week didn’t complain, so get over it.

Some of you that are reading this must live in or near a touristy area. End of season is always bitch and still just as busy. No one gets any medals or raises for participating, they just don’t get fired.

Just be happy that we are here and doing our best to be helpful. We are about a month away from the sweet embrace of slow season so please, sit back relax and enjoy the island. Be nice to everyone you encounter and I promise we will be pleasant but if you are looking for backflips, choreographed dances and overflowing amounts of funtastic flare, best get off in Orlando this time of year.

Be nice to your service industry friends or else you WILL suffer the consequences!

If you would like groceries delivered before you arrive we are still stuffing fridges till August 21st.

Email us soon to get on our calendar before we flee the island. The last few dates available are filling up as we speak and if you are planning a winter holiday here on St. John, best get your requests in sooner than later because November and December are already nuts:

Stjdelivery@gmail.com

To see more about what we do visit:

Landlubberlogistics.com

Thank you and now what you have all been waiting for: fridges, feral cats and our own inside fur monsters, Renfield and Lance Bass!

Thank you everyone!!!

06/10/2025

Billy here…

Last year a guest of ours coined the term:

“Landlubber and Chill”

Maybe you are asking yourself:

“Why? I thought that was a Netflix cliche for movies and naughty time?”

That’s because that is exactly what our service offers... sort of… more like groceries and relaxation with the option of naughty time if the situation arises. The bonus being you know you have snacks for afterwards.

Landlubber gives guests the ability to arrive on island, check into their villa or resort, and…. chill.

Not figure out what’s missing from your “other companies” delivery, deciding who’s going to go back out and get the items you didn’t receive or wonder why you paid these strangers to deliver only half of your order.

Our service allows our guests the ability to not worry about how they are going to eat once they arrive. It gives you the option of not just one store but all stores on St. John.

Worried that the ordering site we provide doesn’t have all the things you want?

Tell us and we will tell you how we can get them for you. The island is your flower and we are like the bees, the bees that get the pollen and bring the pollen from multiple flowers to your flower so we can pollinate with the pollen of many flowers, your flower… properly….? That doesn’t sound good at all. Just ask us and we will tell you how.

Don’t feel like cooking? Order an arrival meal from one of the many restaurants we offer pickup from or our in house chef friend, Chef X. Just reheat and eat.

Don’t like store bought coffee? Order some from St. John Spice.

Need beach rental gear? Order from one of the many rental locations we work with and we will deliver it with your groceries.

And here’s the best part yet. If you have ANY issues with your order or delivery rather than waiting 6 weeks to post about it online to further feed the hordes of pariah piranhas scouring social media for negativity nuggets or troubling your therapist with another costly session about your self induced consumer PTSD, email us! We will fix it, likely that same evening or the following morning. Crazy right. We are humans and we make mistakes too. Only difference with us is unlike most humans, we fix our miscues rather than posthumously mentioning them to strangers.

Basically if you think the idea of arriving to your villa with everything you could possibly need already delivered and neatly arranged, email us.

If packing a suitcase full or chicken thighs and jiffy pop is your thing, then by all means, rock on with your poultry packing self. We get it.

Like meandering around new places, aimlessly searching for food items with the “fam” so you can tune into the vibe of island driving, do you. Just stay left and look out for road holes that might disembowel the undercarriage of your rental or large trucks eager to make your pastel colored wrangler a speed bump.

I’m talking to all the:
-Late arrivals
-Parties of 2 only staying for a 3 day weekend
-Parties of 4 or more with no space in their jeep rental
-Parties with small people of little age who they love dearly yet are extremely annoying to deal with in public and have to be fed almost hourly
-Solo travelers who enjoy having strangers do things for them to feed their ego
-Single parents
-Tired parents
-Parents traveling with grandparents
-Agoraphobics
-Introverts
-Extroverts who feel like introverting
-lazy young people
-tired old people
-wanted criminals who were unjustly sentenced and have fled the United States and can provide us with enough evidence via email to convince us of their innocence, thus making it ethically ok for us to aide and abet a wanted fugitive with groceries
-Bill Murray or any member of season 3, 5 or 27 of Saturday Night Live

We didn’t reinvent the wheel here folks. We just do our best to make sure the wheel you get has all its spokes and spins well enough to get your arrival night rolling in the right direction.

If you too would like to “Landlubber and Chill” email us at:

Stjdelivery@gmail.com

There is some (and I say some lightly) availability left in June.
Saturdays in July are already pretty much cooked.
People are already booking dates in December.
This isn’t a service you can call the week you arrive anymore and still get a delivery. People know about us and have told other people…. Don’t procrastinate!

For more detailed information about our lovely little grocery slinging business visit:

www.landlubberlogistics.com

Thank you again to all who support us. We really can’t express how tired we actually are but we can tell you that we are grateful. Grateful and exhausted, but still smiling with only a bit of muttering.

And now for some freaky deaky fridge p**n to satiate all you straight line and symmetry lovin’ Lubberjunkies out there! And some feral cats as a topper.

05/07/2025

Tell us in one sentence why it’s not a great idea to not pay Landlubber Logistics after they invoice you for arrival day services?

Because they receive fan mail from correctional facilities…

Thanks Broheem!

05/06/2025

Billy here…

Finally had a moment to come up for some air after “Water Week.” I think it was 7 days straight of gloomy, wet weather. Put a real damper on my already not so bubbly demeanor and made delivering groceries across the island a rather dreary event but we did as we always do and got it done. Now for some updates from the Landlubber World:

All you Corona Light cans people, you really did it now. You asked about Corona light in cans SO much that Corona Light bottles got pi**ed and have vowed never to return to St. John. Good job.

Truth is, Corona Light is really gone for good. Seriously…

Corona Zero is coming… When, no one really knows, but it is coming.

In the meantime I did actually buy the last 5 cases of Corona Light so that any guests of Landlubber that ordered it over the next few weeks, we can still provide it for them. If that ain’t customer service I don’t know what is. Whatever doesn’t sell I will be auctioning off on Facebook Marketplace in the coming weeks.

In other news, we are just 4 months away from September Sabbatical. May and June are booking like crazy so either school is ending earlier than usual this year or parents that home school their children have added class trips to the Caribbean into the curriculum.

Carnival on St. John is the last week of May into the first week of July. We are not delivering on 4th of July this year. It’s not because of increased patriotism. That’s actually at an all time low. We just don’t enjoy driving in 3 to 5 mph semicircles around Cruz Bay while dodging pedestrians to deliver groceries to strangers as much as we used to. I have a new soft shell, electrified bumper for the Red Dragon (delivery vehicle) on order so there may be a return to service next July 4th, 2026.

Parking has become a bit of a blood sport these days. Earlier this week I witnessed a husband order his wife and youngest son to stand in a parking spot at Starfish and await his return around the parallelogram shaped market lot. Some people drove past, agitated by the human “no parking” cones. One family in particular was not having it. They sent their shiny new stepmom and youngest daughter out to fight the preexisting duo for parking space dominance. Blood was shed and only one family shopped that day.

In other news, a dangerous trend has been put to rest by the Virgin Island Police Department. Tourists who rent vehicles on St. Thomas so they can shop before taking the car ferry over to St. John have been strapping toddler and teenage children to their wrangler rooftops to make room for Pricesmart and Cost U Less bulk packs. Parents have been playfully calling it “Getting Roofied” in an attempt to goad their kids into thinking it was a Tik Tok challenge. The wide range of culturally unacceptable aspects to this space saving deviant behavior are endless. So are the fines. No children were hurt during this nearly tragic trend but many were remanded to child services. When asked why the parents didn’t just strap the food to the roof, they said, and I quote “they didn’t want it to melt.”

Gluten free protestors took to the streets on Monday, infiltrating local markets to insist on more stock for their dietary needs. Taking a page out of the PETA playbook they came armed with bags full of monistat chanting “yeast is the beast!” and smearing it on all gluten filled products. Unfortunately for them there was a sale on 2 day old French baguettes the day of their up”rising.” The predominantly gluten eating public of St. John took up arms and bludgeoned the crowd with stale bread sticks. To say the gluten free protestors spirit crumbled behind the onslaught is all too fitting.

Lastly, the recent rumors pertaining to our newest employee, Derek Phibbs, origin are not true. Many people found it hard to believe that he is in fact my cousin due to the differential in height and physical appearance. Rumors erupted that he was the kidnapped Nephew of long time, unpaid Landlubber debtor, Eric Maupen. While it is not outside my scope of vengeance to kidnap a loved one and force them to work off their families debt in place of Landlubber non payment, this is not the present situation at hand. Derek is my cousin and is working with us based on his own volition (and because of a bet he lost when we were 11)

That being said, those of you arriving this month or in June, better get to emailing us for Saturdays are already basically full and weekdays are filling up at a fever pitch.

Email us at: stjdelivery@gmail.com

For more details about our services or to read more Landlubber news, visit:

Landlubberlogistics.com

As always, thank you everyone for your Facebook love and Landlubber support. We are forever grateful for your awesome fanfare!

And now for some fridges and feral cats!!!

04/07/2025

Billy’s back… and Cory too!

Never before did I experience a more verifiable reason as to why our service is so useful.

Cory and I recently returned from a 4 day “excursion from insanity.” That’s what we call our mid season St. John escape.

The flight from Puerto Rico to St. Thomas is 13 to 17 minutes.

The commute from St. Thomas to St. John took us…. 4 hours.

We got on the Crown Bay ferry and the hydraulic steering stopped working. After doing a half dozen or so left handed semi circles (boat couldn’t turn right apparently) we arrived back at the Crown Bay dock. We got off the ferry and then got in a taxi with some drunken travelers and went on a Smokey and the Bandit-esque romp to Red Hook.

By the time we got off the Red Hook ferry I had mulled over the idea of never leaving the island again.
Every time Cory and I leave, something happens that makes the travel back to St. John absolutely agonizing.

It’s as if the Bermuda Triangle had a smaller equilateral baby triangle and placed it over the 3 little islands; St. Thomas, St. John and St.Croix. Still green in the business of unexplainable calamities, this baby Bermuda Triangle can’t make planes disappear or boats go missing but it can create minor chaos like unfixable runway potholes and odd wind patterns that cause planes to just circle the islands for hours on end only to return to San Juan and try again the next day.

To add to the anxiety filled thrill ride I’ve nicknamed “Finding Neverland”, arriving at the small Cruz Bay ferry unloading area between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00 is like inadvertently volunteering to participate in an impromptu cl*******ck.

Half drunk island hoppers chugging $27.00 drinks they can’t bring on the ferry, extended families marauding around like tiny militia units with no destination, people haphazardly dragging wheeled luggage behind them like kidnapped midgets trapped in textured rectangular boxes, and taxi drivers directing humans into oncoming traffic to board their neon colored land based bumper cars. Its anarchy.

I get sick thinking about it. All Landlubber drivers are actually trained to NEVER go into Cruz Bay between 3 and 5:00 for all these reasons. In 2022 a driver tried to beat the clock and went into town at exactly 2:36 pm thinking he could beat the 2:00 ferry unloading from Red Hook. He did not. That was December 12th 2022. He resurfaced with braided hair, a frozen painkiller and 6 brand new hook brackets mid March of 2023.

To think that some of you actually brave this disaster zone to then rent a vehicle and then go grocery shopping is just plain masochistic.

I can’t even think let alone comprehend what I want to eat. I actually wanted to throw up.

Anyhow, we made it home and after I cried in the shower for about an hour about our journey home, I later found out that yet another imaginary person hit Red Dragon (my delivery vehicle) for the unprecedented 4th time while being innocently parked on our road.

Red Dragon was born in 2018 and was in perfect condition when we bought him and now he’s your typical eyesore island car. Beat to s**t and a shell of the shiny mauve RAV4 he once was, ole’ Red is living proof you can’t have nice things here and that invisible people do exist for no one can ever find, see or admit to who keeps brutalizing our vehicles.

All this and then the icing on the cake (oh yes it gets better)

I then find out some numb skull who can’t read or who can read and just has an IQ lower than most zoo animals is going around telling people we charged him $45.00 for an additional stop to get the missing cheese from his order…
…..
…….
No my nameless and brainless non friend. We charged you $45.00 to deliver your entire order. As it states in our fee and payment agreement we sent you that additional stops for grocery items don’t cost extra. Even if we stopped at 7 stores or just one store for grocery related items, it still would’ve cost you the same whopping $45.00.

Rather than ranting about it to others, why not ask us so we can explain it to you? That would make too much sense. Instead seek strangers on social media to support your fictitious yammering. Good thinking buddy.

If anyone ever has a question or issue with billing, call the culprits please, don’t seek out random peanut galleries. Ugh…

All this is why I hate leaving. The Cruz Bay chaos, the inability to protect Red Dragon and because when left unattended, dumb people will do dumb things without repercussions.

The one glimmer of happiness, other than my time away with Cory is that my cousin Derek courageously carried the Landlubber torch in our absence and flawlessly completed all his deliveries for the week with no error. Thank you Derek. You are a treasure to have on our Landlubber staff.

That being said we are back and it’s about to get super busy. April’s schedule is busting at the seams and May and June are filling up as we speak.

So, if you would like to avoid the Cruz Bay Chaos and arrive at your villa to a fully stocked fridge so you too can cry in your shower for an hour (with a beverage) and watch your rental vehicle from your window and make sure it’s safe (while cooking), email us at:

Stjdelivery@gmail.com

For more details about our service so you don’t arrive and then try to make stuff up after the fact, visit:

Landlubberlogistics.com

And now, for all the fridges we stuffed and cats we fed since last we spoke and a healthy serving of our in house minions, Renfield and Chupacabra/Lance Bass.

Thank you to all who enjoy our hijinks.

BONUS: Any details regarding who hit our car or who the jack hole is spreading lies about our service fees, email us for a free delivery!

04/02/2025

Billy not here…

Cory and I took a mid season break and fled to Puerto Rico for a few days. Derek has been left behind to man the Landlubber helm and is doing a wonderful job!

The unfortunate part about owning a thriving delivery service is you have to answer emails ALL the time… It’s crazy. It’s like people know we left and have decided to ask the most random things possible via Gmail.

Here is us sitting in Condado answering emails. Fun…

We will be back tomorrow, just in time for Saturday insanity so if you could refrain from any further emails until tomorrow evening it would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Sincerely

Angry Billy and Cory
The Landlubbers

03/13/2025

Billy here

Due to increased emails, many of which are excruciatingly redundant and some that are just plain nauseating, I am mentally unable to piece together a coherent series of thoughts to compose a decent post.

I do still want to provide our republic of loyal Landlubber followers with an amusing and slightly informative March Madness post so I’ve come up with something that allows me post without worry of gripping transitions or even a common theme.

Welcome to Landlubber Logistics presents:

“Did you know?”

Here goes… (much of this is written in the third person because it was just easier this way)

Did you know Landlubber Logistics was created by Cory over lunch in the beginning of the COVID lockdown and was originally called “St. John Lockdown Delivery.” We were bored and she realized being stuck with me in the house for days on end would be far worse than any deadly airborne virus. Add in her bottomless compassion for others and their well being alongside my inability to sit still and it was a match made in Covid Hell.

Did you know Cory is a conservation biologist by trade who dreams of one day making an artificial reef wall out of dead people. That makes it sound awful but it’s actually a pretty amazing concept. Any investors please email us… and I don’t mean send us dead people. I mean money…

Did you know Billy was an avid backyard and independent wrestler. His in ring alias was Oblivion and it is tattooed on his right shoulder. Billy’s dream is to start an independent wrestling league in the Caribbean, much like early years ECW or CZW and to eventually have a heroes death, going down in a hail of bullets after rescuing Cory and his cats from a fictional motorcycle gang he imagined in one of his many written stories. His over productive imagination has deteriorated his conception of reality and he is now convinced it’s only a matter of time before they find him. He also wants to make a Landlubber Musical in the same vein of Hamilton.

Did you know that Corona Light cans are not available anywhere on St. John. Only Corona regular is available in cans.

Did you know that regardless of your order size, if your villa is located on a cliffside in Coral Bay off of a Dirt Disaster Road, we still have to drive there so when you tell me you only want some coffee and bagels and then complain about our fees for such a trivial task, do I care? Now you know… I DO NOT! Regardless of whether I’m towing a small mini mart worth of products to your villa or a box of fruity pebbles and a half gallon of almond milk, the delivery fee is scaled based on how annoying your villa is to drive to as well as the dangers of driving on this island daily. Between kamikaze school buses, speeding water/cement trucks, dyslexic visitors, donkey stops, herds of rogue goats, corner snipping local drivers and purple haired elderly people that should have given up driving after their third glaucoma surgery, believe me, it’s rough out there.

Did you know in late 2024 Jason St Jean, a Landlubber Hall of Fame client, paid off Eric Maupin’s $110.00 debt. My thanks to you Jason is long overdue. This very kind gesture was then paid forward to buy the Starfish provisioning staff lunch. Thank you Jason for such an honorable and kind gesture.

Did you know we did at one time deliver on Sundays. We quickly realized after Billy had to go to rehab in September 2022 (still sober today) this was too much Landlubbering for even the Landlubber himself. That is why we are closed on Sundays. So Billy doesn’t relapse and burn the island to the ground. Also because shopping on Sundays sucks for a plethora of reasons.

Did you know our name, Landlubber, was given to us by boaters during Covid who were stranded at their moorings after the VI government deemed it unlawful for them to come ashore and shop for essential items. With the help of Kelly Quinn and Singing Dog Sailing, we got a pass to deliver provisions inside the national park during the lockdown to help these starving boaters who in time, coined Billy the Landlubber because of his disinterest in boats, distaste for authority and obsession with all things asphalt.

Did you know from October thru Mid August we average over 1800 deliveries per calendar year and are still growing.

Did you know as a team, we have never had a staff larger than 5 Landlubbers at one time and currently operate at the same high performance level with just 3 Landlubbers.

Did you know the average island fridge can fit about $800.00 worth of groceries and the average island freezer only two ten pound bags of ice.

(Footnote: all groceries and beverages are delivered cold and fridge capacity is based on the safety of the fridge. Overstuffing fridges and blocking vents will break fridges. We know this and have to practice safe measures daily. Just wanted to add that for all y’all who think we just stuff and run… we’re professionals for crying out loud giggles Billy)

Did you know the newest Landlubber addition, Derek Phibbs, is Billy’s cousin. Standing at 6’7” his size difference compared to Billy’s stout 5’8” is believed to be a genetic misnomer or because Billy was actually raised by wolves and crawled on all fours until the age of 11.

Did you know that February, March and April are actually the busiest months of the year for Landlubber. Each month clocks in consistently at over 200+ deliveries while December typically usually lingers around 190.

Did you know that Chupacabra, our second and smaller of our 2 in house black cats, original name was Russell Crowe and is now, due to his feminine traits, Lance Bass.

Did you know that in 5 years of business, only 13 out of over 10,000 guests have been officially scribed into the fabled Book of Doom, never to recieve a Landlubber Delivery ever again. Told you we aren’t THAT mean…

Did you know I actually lost my book of doom last year. It is a small, brown leather bound book. If you find it please do NOT read it or turn it over to the authorities. If you don’t wish to return it to me, please just burn it… If the contents of that tomb got out into public, there would be anarchy and possibly the end of the world as we know it.

Did you know Billy answers about 80% of the 100+ emails we receive each week himself. Cory takes over when he needs a break or seems like he might be on the verge of a mental breakdown. For all of you that thought we have auto replies or a receptionist or a crew of order taking personnel, we do not. Also, if you received a snarky reply to your disrespectful or slightly impolite email inquiry, that was all me my friend. Straight salt from the oh-so-saltiest one himself!

Did you know Cory is actually the head of collections. Billy’s NJ strong arm tactics aren’t really business friendly BUT Cory’s extreme measures when it comes to recouping monies owed is unrivaled. The last guest who decided to play footsies with our fees got to experience our Debt Collection Debutante at her finest. Said guest got a phone call at the elementary school she works at and then, after getting kicked to voicemail one too many times, Cory tracked her down through her NJ based tennis club. It all ended weeks later when Cory finally threatened informing her husband on his business phone about her nefarious non-paying ways. She wound up paying, fearing what further depths Cory would eventually descend to and likely won’t use us ever again… or come back to St. John. Needles to say, watching Cory work was utterly magical.

Did you know produce here has a super short shelf life. Ordering enough fruits and veggies for an entire week won’t yield many edible items after day 3 but will be an awesome start to a compost heap.

Did you know March is INSANELY BUSY! Saturdays are totally booked. Saturdays in April are almost totally booked. My brain is pretty much totally booked!

If you would like to inquire about any possible availability we may have left, email us immediately at:

Stjdelivery@gmail.com

For more details about our services and fees, visit:

Landlubberlogistics.com

And now I’m gonna try and cram as many fridge and cat photos as I can into this post but Facebook only lets me put 100 photos each post so if you miss the cut, check back in next month.

Lastly…

Did you know that we are supremely grateful daily for all your social media love, Landlubber support and kind words?

Well if you didn’t know, now you know! Thank you everyone!