Alicia Fike

When you forget who you are you end up chasing the desires that you have been told by your culture, family, friends, ect. that you should chase
And when you stand there exhausted from running a race you were never meant to run, after you’ve accomplished all the goals you are “supposed” to accomplish, you will still be unsatisfied
You’ll stand there holding what you thought you always wanted, and yet still feel empty
I’ve been there- and honestly it was when I thought that I had everything that I wanted when I first experienced true depression. Backwards, huh? But not really.
I had forgotten who I was and chased the dreams others had given me. But then I remembered… and I left all that “should have” made me happy behind for the messy, bumpy, winding road back home to myself.

Who are you under the layers of programming and acculturation?
What did you want, dream of, fear, and love when you still had the belief that you could do and be anything that you desired?

It’s when we meet ourselves in this place that we can learn what it really is that we are here to embody- not chase.

It’s also here that we can learn what desires were never ours to begin with and find the courage put them down

You didn’t come here to do things you don’t want to do all day
You came here to experience life
You came here to let this world experience you- the real you.

So in order for you to live a life full of the miracles that are here for you to experience you first have to know yourself
And then you have to remember yourself

And then you’ll forget again, and remember

And forget again, and remember

Until eventually you remember not to forget.

BFF 🤍

Letter to CC from 2019

Last night you sat with me while I struggled with a mountain of fear that I couldn’t see past. My shoulders high, my body tense, arms crossed... you held me, and your love for me didn’t change. And somewhere in the midst of all of it I realized that I love you.

I already knew that I loved you, I already knew that I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone before you, but last night my love for you shifted. It felt like finding an answer to a question that you’ve been searching for... like an epiphany.

I knew we were different than anything I’ve experienced, but last night I finally allowed my soul to rest in that truth
The love that I realized I had for you last night made me question if I’ve ever truely loved anyone before you.

As I feel safe to be broken, I’m finding wholeness
As I allow my defences down, I’m finding safety

Love you most

Depression comes and goes in waves
For the last few months I have been free of it
But today I woke up with that all too familiar heavy weight on my chest
I think it wants to suffocate me
Or is it that I want to be suffocated by it?
Either way. Here I am.
Moving slower, speaking slower, tears in my eyes for reasons I can’t even identify
Yes I know what can make me feel better... and no I don’t want to do it
I have no motivation
That is the catch with depression
You can know all you need to know to move through it and know that life will be better if you do those things
But the motivation to do them... I don’t have it
And weirdly enough in this moment I don’t want it
I want to sit here in this heaviness
I want to drown in my own emotions
I want to feel and numb out at the same time
But after I write this I will take one step in the right direction
Just one tiny step
And maybe after that step I’ll come back to bed
Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll take another tiny step after that first one

Words from 2 years ago today
Photo from 2 days ago
It’s amazing how much time can heal

Depression comes and goes in waves
For the last few months I have been free of it
But today I woke up with that all too familiar heavy weight on my chest
I think it wants to suffocate me
Or is it that I want to be suffocated by it?
Either way. Here I am.
Moving slower, speaking slower, tears in my eyes for reasons I can’t even identify
Yes I know what can make me feel better... and no I don’t want to do it
I have no motivation
That is the catch with depression
You can know all you need to know to move through it and know that life will be better if you do those things
But the motivation to do them... I don’t have it
And weirdly enough in this moment I don’t want it
I want to sit here in this heaviness
I want to drown in my own emotions
I want to feel and numb out at the same time
But after I write this I will take one step in the right direction
Just one tiny step
And maybe after that step I’ll come back to bed
Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll take another tiny step after that first one

Words from 2 years ago today
Photo from 2 days ago
It’s amazing how much time can heal

Over a decade later I am just learning how much you really stole from me
My voice
My dreams
My confidence
As I return to myself I am discovering the lost pieces that I forgot were missing
I am both sad for the lost time with myself
And thankful that I am back

Morning view 😍

Fresh blooms + Californian sage 🤍✨

Healers 🤍

Who has the better smile? 😬

This mirror has watched me grow up, or maybe I’ve watched myself grow up in it. It used to hang on the wall in my grandmas living room when I was too young to even recognize my own reflection. It hung in the retirement home after my grandparents moved out of my dads childhood home and witnessed the last moments of their lives. It hung in the small home my mom and I shared after my parents divorce, and on my childhood bedroom wall where I cried over boys and contemplated who I wanted to become. It hung on the wall in my first apartment, the one that was way out of my budget that I painted all of the walls ridiculously bright colors and filled with hand-me-down furniture. It followed me all over the country as I moved around trying to find where I thought home might be and it now hangs in the first space that I have really ever felt was home since I was a child.

Corey and I have been more intentional this last month about making our home a home. We took the TV off the wall and replaced it with art. Our nights are now filled with the scratching of records, the smell of Copal and candle light rather than the flashing lights and noises of the television.

Love takes intention. Truly loving your life takes intention. Just because something isn’t broken doesn’t mean you don’t have to fix it.

😍✨🤍

A handful of pics from last month. Life’s been pretty good. 🥰

What I use to be
A peace keeper, saying yes to all the things that didn’t serve me and staying small to appease other people

What I am becoming
A path maker for my own life

Inherent in making paths comes disruption

I need to be okay with making noise
I need to be okay with clearing space, which means removing the things that are obstacles to my path, and that process may not always be peaceful

I may leave some debris on the path behind me
And I may need to be okay with not spending my energy mending everything that shatters
And trust that the shattering is beneficial to clearing the way

The shattering of myself
The shattering of relationships
The shattering of contractual agreements I’ve conciously or unconsciously made
It isn’t always my job to figure out how the pieces are supposed to fit together
Sometimes it is just my job to trust that they will
To not let shame make me feel that it’s always my responsibility to limit the shattering and if shattering occurs that it’s my job to fix it
Things are supposed to crack
Things are supposed to break
Things morph and change and shift
And that is life
Nothing stays the same
And that’s okay
Not everything is peaceful
And that’s okay
Sometimes growth takes becoming okay with not always taking the most peaceful path

I feel weak right now as my life has shifted so much in just one week. I have a deep reverence of how fragile life is and how things always move and people move and time moves and everything moves moves moves. Everything is always moving.

Movement makes me want to freeze
I feel disempowered as I try so hard to hold everything still
I mourn the movement before it even happens and then I mourn it more once it arrives

Im learning that I need to move with the movement of life rather than try resist it
“Try” being the key word
Resistance just makes me feel powerless because it doesn’t work

Leaning in reminds me that movement and change allow me to step into this next season of myself, maybe even if I don’t want to
We lean in by feeling all of the emotions that come along with change, by being willing to making new memories with new people, by being open to making new memories with the the people that are leaving rather than preemptively mourning their departure, by asking life what we are supposed to learn from the pain of it all, by allowing joy

We are here to experience life, all of life, not just one phase of it

I’m so grateful that my last season of life was one that is worthy of mourning

Kintsugi- the Japanese art form where artists intentionally break pottery just to put it back together with gold, making it more beautiful and strong, the flaws highlighted instead of hidden.

A PICTURE OF MY SAFE PLACE (bondi beach) IN MY SAFE PLACE ( ) 🌊

No other city in the US feels more like home to me than SLC. Generations and generations of my family have lived here and something about being here makes me feel connected to myself in a way no other place on earth can.

Grateful for you 🤍

Watching this space come to life has been such a beautiful process. I have a few therapists that are working with me now so if you’re a friend who I haven’t been able to counsel because of our relationship reach out to me so I can get you in touch with one of the other amazing therapists that works with me.

Office vibes ✨🤍

Office vibes 🤍✨

Many of us feel that the only way to grow is to push ourselves beyond our comfort levels and to beat ourselves up until we get “there.” Yet bullying ourselves and giving in to self-hatred don’t produce real, lasting change. True soul level change is found through self-compassion, self-exploration, gentle discipline, and acceptance. 🤍⁠
⁠
# traumainformedyoga therapist

Many of us feel that the only way to grow is to push ourselves beyond our comfort levels and to beat ourselves up until we get “there.” Yet bullying ourselves and giving in to self-hatred don’t produce real, lasting change. True soul level change is found through self-compassion, self-exploration, gentle discipline, and acceptance. 🤍⁠
⁠
# traumainformedyoga therapist

We are at war with our expectations- the should have beens and could have dones. Our minds stay gripped with our own imagined failures. Yet the further life takes me the more I believe that the best possible expectation we can have for life is to simply live it. To be present enough to hear the leaves crack under our feet. To bring our racing minds back to each moment when we find ourselves fearing the future or regretting the past. It takes courage to live willingly, imperfectly, openly, honestly. How brave we all are.

“I hope you learn how to see your evolution not as a linear ascent into perfection, but an unpacking of why you might want to perfect yourself in the first place. What feels so broken? And who taught you it was that way?

The first step toward abundance is gratitude. One of my favorite tools to a healthy mindset is making a mental note of 10 things I’m grateful for everyday. By doing this I’ve noticed that my mind is more resilient & Im more likely learn lessons from frustrations rather than just sit in the negative feelings. Try it out for a week and see how your life changes. ✨🤍

Lean in to the process of becoming 🤍✨

A decade later I am just learning how much you really stole from me
My voice
My dreams
My confidence
As I return to myself I am discovering the lost pieces that I forgot were missing
I am both sad for the lost time with myself
And thankful that I am back

The last time I had bangs was in high school and they were a straight THICK chunk of hair across my face, so thick that you couldn’t see my big ol forehead that I spent the first half of my life trying to hide 😂 It’s crazy what we become insecure about huh? I literally don’t even think twice (or five times 😂) about my fivehead anymore.
These bangs are totally different than my last ones and I’m obsessed.😍

Boy you must be a submarine cause your out of my league 😉

It comes pretty naturally for me to check in with my own mental health. I’m sure a big reason for this is my profession, but another factor is definitely the fact that my mental health has not always been, well.. for lack of a better word, healthy.

I have done a ton of work to become mentally healthy. Years of therapy, years of putting my insights in therapy into action in my life, daily self check ins, and routines and relationships that nurture my mind. Mental health has definitely been a journey but I have had amazing guides to help me to come home to mental wellness.

However, it’s not all about our mind- our bodies are also so incredibly important. These last few months were an arduous reminder for me of just how connected our minds and bodies are.

I sit here now for the first time in months with a clear, awake & curious mind and a body that feels energized and at peace. My body feels healthy and so does my mind.

I say all of this to say that if you are struggling with your mental health please don’t forget the importance of considering the health of your body in this process. If you struggle with an illness that you can’t find an answer to please be patient with yourself when it comes to your mental wellness.. it’s hard to feel at peace if your body doesn’t feel well. The things that feel so small really do matter- you’re daily routines, the foods you eat, the ways you move your body (or don’t), the quality of the air you’re breathing in your home, the cleanliness of the water you’re drinking.

To simplify- pay attention and be just as intentional about your physical health as as your are about your mental health, it’s all connected.🤍

A healthy, thriving relationship with you will always be one of my biggest goals and greatest accomplishments. Thank you for the million ways you’ve helped me to heal and the million ways you’ve supported me. 🤍

A brief look at any coffee shop, walking trail, or bus stop suggests that people today are more interested in the lives of the people they are viewing through the screens in their hands than they are with the lives of the people that are standing right in front of them.

You would think that the number of “connections” we have online would cause us to feel as if we’re thriving socially, but instead our obsession with quantity of quality has left us feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, and alone. Since social media encourages one-way communication (status updates and oversharing of our personal lives) the conversations with the people in front of us are increasingly becoming more brief, ineffective, and superficial. We all crave connection, but we have to learn that it is necessary that we often find it outside of social media.

What we need to silence that feeling of loneliness and expand our minds is a network of transformational rather than transactional relationships. It’s about truely connecting with the person in front of you and sharing ideas, values, and vulnerabilities. It’s about sharing a smile with a stranger on the street rather than missing that opportunity to connect because you were too worried about what Becky was doing on her Instagram story last night.

Who can you make time to really connect with this week? When can you commit to putting your phone down and just taking in all that the space you are sitting in has to teach you? Let’s make this weeks connections contain more depth than a simple “like” of a photo or three word comment on a post. Let’s make connection a priority.