The magnitude of Malakai

03/12/2026

I wanted to get this up on Monday, in honor of my late father's birthday. To my funny, intelligent, and loving daddy. A cherished contribution to this world from his family to his community; a man so wonderful, amazing and painfully missed - John Russell Shafer. Deeply wishing for the most beautiful 73rd birthday you can have. I pray you heard me when I told you to find the most perfect spot you could and make sure you and Mom take your grandson fishing. I would imagine that would make a really amazing birthday.
This man was my rock, whether I wanted to admit it or not this was who I counted on most, he really stuck everything out through thick and thin my dad never gave up on me. Now, surviving the last 14 years without him and after we made it through 2011 and losing Mom together, that is what taught me how pain knows no depths. Losing him was unexpected although it was a well known fact in my family that my dad was always going to follow my mom. Even as much as he loved me, we lost her and he was gone before the end of the next year 💔 leaving me in 2012 after fighting with his stomach for more of my life than not. Fighting the complication of the same bleeding ulcers that I've now been struggling with since age 17.
That in addition to apparently struggling also with Issues similar to my mother and I need to have my lab work done hopefully in the morning God willing if I just feel well enough, and then I will know more about what we're dealing with. But I know I know if it's diabetes this is gonna be ugly. I don't know how to have diabetes with ulcers and I feel like this is cheating technically like that should not be a thing. It’s bad enough that I have either but cmon please tell me it's one or the other- we can't do both of them that's definitely gotta be against the rules.

I'm blessed to have people in my corner, especially my sister. Without her, I wouldn't have survived the last few months. She gave me cover when the systems designed to help me cut me loose. Because of her, I have a place to stand while I try to find a higher level of individualized care—because the truth is, I am not magically better. I am still 'under fire,' buried so deep in the smoke that it’s hard to see my own surrender flag. It's absolutely clear to me that I would not be here right now without her, but I thank God every day I am and then I have a chance to continue working on getting back to where I need to be to where I can be with all of you again
To the beautiful ladies and friends who have messaged me: thank you for keeping me safe and helping me find the right doors to walk through. Thank you for sticking by me even when it's been nothing short of maddening to deal with, regardless if it was noise coming from the chaos surrounding me or the anxiety provoked by my own panic as I've struggled under the weight of it all. I have a deeper appreciation for you than I could ever put into words.

The silence today is heavier than all the holidays combined. Mourning the loss of my precious son, and struggling with the painful silence from my daughter. I have never forced her to choose, yet I am sitting here sacrificing for her to have a phone just to hear nothing on the other end.
Disappointment isn't something I'm used to especially not from my heart, my world, my first born and my reason for being. She initially tried to take Bo in so much sooner and I said absolutely not for months on end. When he came back injured is when that changed and I didn't have the heart to deny my baby girl the opportunity to help another living creature. I didn't think I would be sitting here with the trauma of that decision weighing on me after all these years either. He was my daughter’s cat, and after being separated from me in the dead of winter, he came back skin and bones. He essentially grieved himself nearly to death. The vet expected to say goodbye that day, and I am only able to keep him home and love on him because I couldn’t afford the alternative. It is a vicious cycle of wanting to provide and having nothing to give.
Im not throwing in the towel. I'm trying to sell what I can, get my blood work done, and find adequate support from professionals that are able to equip me with tools that I haven't been able to access yet. I have a superb Care team in general though, from my primary to my treatment center, and everyone that's been added in between I know I'm in good hands, and I'm really grateful to have the capable, compassionate and supportive care that I have received. I'm blessed with providers that have been willing to stick, it out and find ways to assist me, in learning how to cope and move through my struggles. I know how difficult it's been for me to live through everything that has happened over the last few years and I just want to acknowledge that it's not only me that this has been hard on but every individual person that loves me or cares about our family. I mean from the individuals mentioned here; to, you, the very person reading this. And to each and everyone of you- that support is what keeps me strong in the hardest moments. It's only with that support that I've managed to still be here. God bless everyone of you. I genuinely mean exactly that, I pray that you are all even half as blessed as you leave the lives you encounter, as you leave all of us that you touch, love, support, and/or heal in anyway, I pray that I may be so lucky and hope to find anyway that I'm able to help anywhere near as much, please know that I am so grateful for the opportunity even to try  

That is my purpose no matter if it's my children or my community I'm a nurturer and I'm always gonna be here for that. Like I said, I'll be here for you. (If the friends theme song just started playing in your head that's how you know that we are part of the same tribe lol)
At the end of the day- Im just a mom trying to survive and hoping to help others as I salvage what’s left of my family. I am so grateful for everyone who has good life and supported me through everything and are still here for me anytime I need. It's humbling to have that level of compassion and to feel of the safety of such monumental love, even when I feel like I don't deserve it… Even when I feel like I’ve failed everyone I love💔

Anyone able to help it is greatly appreciated, I have also included a wishlist for the little bit of our BoBo that I've gotten back💔. This poor baby is not much more than a spine, staring at me and doing his best to eat... the fact that it's rainbow, the kitty that he's always been.. it's heartbreaking knowing that I was hundreds of dollars away from bringing home another part of our family that had joined Maui and my parents, but if not for that, I might not have gotten to see the kitty that we know in love so much and are constantly annoyed by ever again we appreciate any help of any sort.
Miraculously, I managed to put something together for anybody that wants info about ways to support us, but this is why I haven't been posting. My physical health is evident in any videos that I do and even attempting to simply write a post as you see, can turn into severe chaos as I fail to multitask or even singularly task and am unable to proceed as I always have in the past it's rough. I can only continue working on it every day so much. Love you 

I i'm trying to manage laundry and eating and  terrified of losing the hotel room that is the only sanctuary Bo and I have left. I’m also still desperately looking for my other boy, Woofy. My heart is scattered in a million pieces between the people I’ve lost and the cats I’m trying to keep safe. Meanwhile, I'm just looking for a reason to keep fighting after realizing that I've been far worse off than I thought and what I'm actually fighting is a coma. That's a pretty scary thought friends. It's a very hard realization to be sitting in the driver seat of something that I have a lifetime of trauma from

• Venmo: https://venmo.com/u/Kris-Warnock
• CashApp: https://cash.app/$KristWarnock
• Amazon Wishlist for Bo: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2F4QIMHNJLF6B?ref_=wl_share

Thank you for not judging me while I’m down. I just want to get back to being the person people can count on.

12/26/2025

I didn't forget about you and thank you for not forgetting about me. We have some catching up to do my loves. .

08/09/2025

Urgent situation - I know it's been far too long and we definitely have a lot to catch up on. It's gonna have to wait just a bit longer unfortunately. My current situation is not ideal, my birthday is tomorrow, and right now, I'm scrambling to find a cheap, pet-friendly place to stay locally tonight (no gas to get anywhere else 😔) or any help with emergency funds in the Dayton area. Any support or leads would mean everything right now. Thanks for understanding - if you have time to even send a prayer, anything and everything helps. God bless you 💙Kris💜

Edit: so so sorry I probably Add that been on here in a while and I love what they've done with the place but I can't find anything. So I'm going to include my link here again just in case there's anyone else that has this issue. 
Cash app- https://cash.app/$KristWarnock
PayPal- https://www.paypal.me/kristwarnock
Venmo- https://venmo.com/u/Kris-Warnock

03/18/2025

A couple nights ago I went into Walmart and this wonderful, beautiful and kind young lady work in the cash register that I walked up to gave me one look and immediately said I recognize you. To which I replied I’ve lived in the area for at least the last five years, without a second thought she said no that’s not it, it’s the Internet. She asked me if I was on social media, and I started to say kind of, but she already remembered where she had seen me clearly and said you were the mom on there with your kids and you had a little boy right? Last year, I think it was something happened? And she saw the tears again naturally I felt horrible. It was her that started apologizing and hoping that she hadn’t upset me and I shook my head so fast I think I heard my brain’s rattle.
Just as I explained to my awesome New Friend at Walmart, do not ever for any reason, hesitate to bring up my son or my family and should you see me in public and recognize me- particularly because of my children, please please please I ask that you say something. Share that moment with me. I would appreciate it and be so grateful🥺. It helps more than you know I promise. It’s much easier than the moments where I don’t have my baby boy and he just doesn’t exist in this unnecessarily cruel world that we live in.  although I come across some wonderfully kind people that are incredibly supportive and sweet, they don’t know what a Mali is and that hurts. No one gets to see him and enjoy him anymore. It’s definitely not easy. I don’t know what to do with that. 

I can’t tell you just how much it’s still throws me to this day when I go out in public and someone recognizes me because they’ve seen us on the Internet. Particularly when they recognize me and I’m without my children, which was always the case as Maui has never been easily portable. But these days, especially we barely even recognize me so it’s a real shocker when someone sees me and instantly knows exactly where they’ve seen my face before and, more importantly, knows who my son is. I absolutely hate that my sweet baby boy is not living in this world in my life today that I don’t have him here to share with you all. There is moments that exist when someone sees me, when someone sees him, they are absolutely everything to me. I couldn’t be more grateful and I hope that I get to enjoy many more of them and im able to show my appreciation more often as I continue trying to get through this difficult period in my journey.

I have to say thank you so much to all of you who genuinely adore and value these wonderful kiddos I’ve been blessed with, no matter where we may go, I pray that we take Mal with us always and I can do a much better job at carrying his torch. Genuinely, I should take notes from sister who has made me so incredibly proud to meet her mama. We have really been struggling and I’m desperately trying to get back to work regardless of the complications I have faced or any lack ranters we have. I run out of time to search for those answers. We have to live so right now I have to just accept that my life has more challenges than me at times feel like I can handle, but that’s why I’m trying to rejoin my community and find all the help I can in any help that I may need to Escape this situation. I’ve never known how to except being told that I am a good mother, as a mother I assume everyone feels the same and it’s just never good enough because these are our children. It’s only been bc of this community I’ve had behind me and the little family we’ve built over the years that have extended your kindness and provided essential support, that I can see the possibility of those words being true. So many, who have been there for us in a variety of ways, and to this day continue to, have helped me be the most amazing mother I can. I never dreamed this would become the catalyst for not only rebuilding my support system but for rebuilding my tiny family, even humbling me with the blessings of a sister. In addition to the generosity of keeping me from the dire circumstances that would threaten everything I’ve overcome, she individually inspires me to continue learning how to be a better mother as well as a better person and always motivates me to seek every way I possibly could to provide any and everything possible for my children.
I know this will get better somehow. I may not know how yet but I know it will get better somehow. living without Mal is never going to but I’m hopeful, it becomes more tolerable as we learn how to shine that light. I will absolutely be back to share with you once I’m able, but currently I have pressing matters at hand so I just ask that you please keep us in your hearts and prayers. Also, please look for me on marketplace as I am selling many things that I can’t fit in anymore or don’t use- i’m partying with everything I can afford to mentally in hopes of being able to afford getting out of this debt and back to a life that much more closely resembles ours. Thank you so much to those of you that you asked as well as those that have helped and heard any support. Please do not feel obligated, but know that we are so grateful to those who are able to, especially with the current state of our economy, provide assistance in various ways. I appreciate your understanding as well, I think anyone knows it’s very difficult to ask for this can help and shameful not to be financially stable. I’m sure many are struggling in all kinds of ways and I hope to be of help as well, but I had to take a moment to acknowledge what a tremendous difference it makes to share a moment of today with anyone, in which my baby boy existed and was loved and revered for the beautiful miracle he will always be. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity. God bless you.

Sadly, I no longer know how the Internet works. After being gone for so long, they’ve changed many things and I’ve not been back enough yet to have time to relearn them, but I will - and soon. Please know that I only ever share this information with appreciation And without expectation.

For financial support:
Cash app- $KristWarnock
PayPal- https://www.paypal.me/kristwarnock
Venmo- https://venmo.com/u/Kris-Warnock

For social/physical support:
(Hangouts and general vicinity where we might be if we’re looking for muscle)
-Montgomery County resident in Dayton, Ohio
-grocery stores
-Laundromat
-car wash
-YMCA (South branches) when not in crisis

For spiritual support:
-practicing catholic
-seeking parish. Not necessarily local, but that’s a long story for a different post- soon.
- all prayers, invocations, tefillah, salat, adhan and any other form of positive intentions that you would like to offer, please feel free to send our way as all are absolutely accepted.

03/16/2025

I can’t tell you just how much it’s still throws me to this day when I go out in public and someone recognizes me because they’ve seen us on the Internet. Particularly when they recognize me and I’m without my children, which was always the case as Maui has never been easily portable. But these days, especially we barely even recognize me so it’s a real shocker when someone sees me and instantly knows exactly where they’ve seen my face before and, more importantly, knows who my son is. I absolutely hate that my sweet baby boy is not living in this world in my life today that I don’t have him here to share with you all. There is moments that exist when someone sees me, when someone sees him, they are absolutely everything to me. I couldn’t be more grateful and I hope that I get to enjoy many more of them and im able to show my appreciation more often as I continue trying to get through this difficult period in my journey.

I have to say thank you so much to all of you who genuinely adore and value these wonderful kiddos I’ve been blessed with, no matter where we may go, I pray that we take Mal with us always and I can do a much better job at carrying his torch. Genuinely, I should take notes from sister who has made me so incredibly proud to meet her mama. We have really been struggling and I’m desperately trying to get back to work regardless of the complications I have faced or any lack ranters we have. I run out of time to search for those answers. We have to live so right now I have to just accept that my life has more challenges than me at times feel like I can handle, but that’s why I’m trying to rejoin my community and find all the help I can in any help that I may need to Escape this situation. I’ve never known how to except being told that I am a good mother, as a mother I assume everyone feels the same and it’s just never good enough because these are our children. It’s only been bc of this community I’ve had behind me and the little family we’ve built over the years that have extended your kindness and provided essential support, that I can see the possibility of those words being true. So many, who have been there for us in a variety of ways, and to this day continue to, have helped me be the most amazing mother I can. I never dreamed this would become the catalyst for not only rebuilding my support system but for rebuilding my tiny family, even humbling me with the blessings of a sister. In addition to the generosity of keeping me from the dire circumstances that would threaten everything I’ve overcome, she individually inspires me to continue learning how to be a better mother as well as a better person and always motivates me to seek every way I possibly could to provide any and everything possible for my children.
I know this will get better somehow. I may not know how yet but I know it will get better somehow. living without Mal is never going to but I’m hopeful, it becomes more tolerable as we learn how to shine that light. I will absolutely be back to share with you once I’m able, but currently I have pressing matters at hand so I just ask that you please keep us in your hearts and prayers. Also, please look for me on marketplace as I am selling many things that I can’t fit in anymore or don’t use- i’m partying with everything I can afford to mentally in hopes of being able to afford getting out of this debt and back to a life that much more closely resembles ours. Thank you so much to those of you that you asked as well as those that have helped and heard any support. Please do not feel obligated, but know that we are so grateful to those who are able to, especially with the current state of our economy, provide assistance in various ways. I appreciate your understanding as well, I think anyone knows it’s very difficult to ask for this can help and shameful not to be financially stable. I’m sure many are struggling in all kinds of ways and I hope to be of help as well, but I had to take a moment to acknowledge what a tremendous difference it makes to share a moment of today with anyone, in which my baby boy existed and was loved and revered for the beautiful miracle he will always be. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity. God bless you. 

Sadly, I no longer know how the Internet works. After being gone for so long, they’ve changed many things and I’ve not been back enough yet to have time to relearn them, but I will - and soon. Please know that this is only ever with appreciation And without expectation.

For financial support:
Cash app- $KristWarnock
PayPal- https://www.paypal.me/kristwarnock
Venmo- https://venmo.com/u/Kris-Warnock

For social support:
-Montgomery County resident in Dayton, Ohio
-grocery stores
-Laundromat
-car wash
-YMCA (South branches) when not in crisis

For spiritual support:
-practicing catholic
-seeking parish
- all prayer,

Go to paypal.me/kristwarnock and type in the amount. Since it’s PayPal, it's easy and secure. Don’t have a PayPal account? No worries.

03/12/2025

There have been so many moments over the past few years when I truly didn’t know how I would keep going. I’ve faced things that no one should ever have to face, and yet, through it all, I’ve been met with love and support that I never imagined possible. That support has carried me through some of the darkest days, and I will never take it for granted.

As I reflect on all we’ve been through—on the struggles, the moments of absolute desperation, and the heartbreak—I also think about what we’ve survived. I remember sitting in a hospital room with my phone shut off, trying to figure out how to make it to my daughter when my son needed me too. I remember not being able to afford an Uber to get to court or even to see my own child. And yet, somehow, through all of that, I’ve still been able to give my daughter experiences that I never even dreamed of seeing myself. That’s because of the kindness, generosity, and unwavering support from my family, especially, my sister.

Several of you have really done so much more than you ever should’ve had to just to be there to support us, and I am forever grateful, for everything that has been done for our family. Most importantly, I’m beyond fortunate to be so well supported, and so dearly loved. Just as my son always was and in many ways still is. For every bit of kindness we’ve been shown by so many of you- thank you for sharing this all with us and helping ease the pain of carrying his memory despite me taking emptiness, we feel and the endless longing for his beautiful smile .

It has been so difficult every victory and triumph , so hard won, I expected we had to be done battling by now. But here we are again, facing another impossible season, and I won’t lie—it’s hard. Some days, it feels like I’m right back where I started. The weight of it all is heavy, and the grief never truly eases. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I am loved and appreciated.  I am blessed beyond measure to have my family, to have all of you, to be loved by all of you. No matter how hard it gets, I have a community of people who have stood with us, believed in us, and reminded me that we are not forgotten.

To those who have walked this journey with us, thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you. I am looking forward to reconnecting, to sharing more moments together, and to continuing to find light in the darkness. We went live recently, and the love and support we received was incredible—I need to make that a priority again. I see you, I appreciate you, and I am so grateful to have you in our lives.

With all my love, the blessings of my children and their love, Kris

12/31/2024

*** 1/6 Typos Corrected. Please forgive me. It’s difficult as I am very emotional and have been through so much more (unrelated) trauma since this, trauma that I continue to navigate daily. I am working on learning how to cope well enough to be with you all again ***🙏🏼🙏🏼 

Without you, my son, I am so lost. Without you, the world is so much darker. After watching you leave this place I know it will never look the same and I can’t help but feel the massive emptiness that is left behind without you. Your beautiful sister is growing stronger and wiser every day, but still needs you to watch over her so very badly. I need you to watch over her very badly. I will spend a lifetime completely shattered unable to wrap my mind around how you are not here. These moments are when it’s too painful. The oxygen has left and I can’t seem to find the air to even scream from the pain that I am in. Every single cell in my body feels as though is on fire and I am in literal physical agony. I can’t tell you what I wouldn’t do to have you back, to have us all together where we belong.. to see the part of your sister that went with you the day that you were taken from us, and to give her back the part of me that is forever yours and no longer shines so brightly people turn to look a second time
New Year’s was always such a special time for us, there were so many years that I don’t know how I survived, I don’t know how we survived and I will never forget the relief and gratitude that would wash over me. The ball dropped and we began 365 more days together . I am not looking forward to the end of 2024 surprisingly. It’s more than just not being ready for 2025, it is the abysmal heartache and devastation of having spent 12 consecutive calendar months here without you, and so many more now. Much as I dread to see anything else where you are so blatantly missing, like so many other things in my life. Well, push me into Another year and I won’t get to see your beautiful smile or feel your strong arms clinging to me me or hear your beautiful coos and yells, or even the terrifying breaths that you would take. There is an endless list of things that I miss horribly about you, but tomorrow is the day that I dread possibly the most outside of the day that you were taken from us. All the years that we spent with me clutching you so tightly as I cried and mourned The loss of my family. As I struggled with not having my family whole, the comfort that you brought, and how you managed simply by existing to help me survive some of the darkest moments of my life 💔moments that I did not have my first born where she belonged. I find myself faced with that often in a different way now and I still don’t know how I’m ever gonna do this without you. So I just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other, breathing in and breathing out and trying not to drown in the pain . I hope you understand how sorry I am for the days that your name isn’t spoken, for all the moments that just keep going by unnoticed as we are worlds away from each other, i’m so sorry that you don’t get to feel the love of your sister as she warms the house when she comes through the door after school every day . I’m so sorry that you don’t get to continue providing the unconditional love and support that she was blessed with from you.
Most of all, I’m just sorry. In more than 40 years, I’ve never felt anything so unfair and if I live on this earth, another 40 and happen to come across anything that possibly even compares- I would be shocked. It just can’t be possible. For everything that we have been through together I know that there is no way I could’ve ever done it without you and for all that we have yet to find a way to survive I beg that you watch over your sister the most. She needs you so very much And I know that if you had a choice, you would be there for her like you always have been. I love you with everything in my heart and soul and I’m always going to have this enormous hole in me where you should be living. I’m starting to see that now and I need to figure out how we live like this and do better for you and your sister, I have to love her for both of us now, just like she does me, for both of you 😞 she does so good too. I hate that she has to, we all do- even the cats start getting anxious when they don’t have their human to curl up with at night💔 it’s just so obvious how much of a difference you have always made. It’s absolute torment to be left without you in the wake of your powerful inspiration, and the most precious ways you have led so many others to kindness and compassion, and it is one of the reasons of so many reasons that I am proud and privileged to be your mommy. And I will always be yours. I only pray I’m able to use any of the extremely valuable lessons that you taught me to be a better person than I once was, to be good enough not to allow for any further disappointment, not to lose anymore ourselves. I will be forever remorseful that I failed you, I thank God for giving me such a precious little boy I thank God for teaching me, very early on the value of what may not be able to be seen with the eye or heard by ear but what happens when you listen with your heart? Well, that is the magnitude of Malakai 🤍❤️‍🩹🩶

Happy new years warriors 🤍

11/01/2024

I’m so humbled by the love that I’m met with when I find my way back here. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I’ve been gone. I feel so guilty. Like I’m depriving people of Maui, and I am. That baby spent 5 1/2 blessed years🥺 loving me with every single cell in his body, he was nothing; if not pure, unconditional, genuine love🩵… Until he got mad😅. Which was so much less frequently than he had the right to, by far.

We all want to raise kids that we can admire and look up to, my only issue with it is that I would’ve preferred to finish raising him, before I ever had to look up to him or admire him. That was impossible though, really; because from the second I heard that piercing scream echo through Miami Valley hospital’s halls- I was awestruck. I’ve been nothing less than fascinated ever since. Everything they told me, all the fears, the nightmares and anything between.. thank God in most cases they were wrong and, luckily , I didn’t have to face that at birth. Unfortunately, in other cases, they were not wrong, and I carry some significant and lasting trauma from that. From losing him, to not having him here in my arms where he belongs- and as we’re facing the hardest times of our lives I don’t know how I’ll ever be okay again..💔

One thing I DO know is that between Kalla and Mali, I don’t know how I could’ve been blessed more🥹 I’m fighting to hold on as best as I can now with sister and we are working on learning how to love like Maui, while still learning how to tolerate living without him. This might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The quote that comes to mine speaks on the effort it takes to live without someone you love so much.

Since losing the beautiful baby by our side that we have always been so grateful for, every single second and each, and every last breath have been excruciating. We have lost such important and significant parts of our family, parts of ourselves. Parts that we had yet to even realize really and they were gone before we ever had a moment to acknowledge them. I can’t believe I never considered everything that would be changed in his absence…

I guess that’s what it is, I just wish that it wasn’t a loss in every direction that you turn no matter where you look. But that is exactly what it is .. of course, it doesn’t take a genius to know we were never gonna be the same. But this? All this anguish in Mally’s absence is enough to break even the strongest warrior. And I mean break. Because that is exactly what it has done. I have never been more broken, and I couldn’t put into words the extent of the damage that has occurred and just left our family vulnerable too. I’m very upset with myself for not being more aware of that one. As much as I wish I could elaborate, as much as I need to elaborate, I unfortunately cannot. I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to come across so cryptically, but there are aspects of our lives that are not very well-known and haven’t been shared. Anyone that’s been around long enough to remember why might be anything I say that comes across that way and why I need to be vague on occasion, thank you for standing by us through all of this and continuing to as we keep trying to determine how to navigate without Mal😔

I’m so sorry that it took me days to post here. This is where it all started I can’t believe that I am just now completing this post and getting ready to upload it days later. I know there are far too many of you sadly that understand. Some things are just too painful. Some things are too much to bear. I will never not be Maui‘s mom. And I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t be.

Therefore my world will consist only of those that are able to honor and respect him and his memory alongside me. I will live in a place where a great many of you are able to help me share the stories of his bravery and the love that he brought into this world. Once I can establish that place, I hope I’m able to start living a bit better. But everything has to start somewhere right? This will be followed by a secondary post that I hope to start the beginning of my feeling and bringing my baby back to my life as well as so many others who loved him.