12/18/2023
Words we can all learn from:
One of the things most of us are taught as children is to never judge others. “Don’t judge a book by its cover!” And yet, despite our best efforts, many of us fall into the trap over and over again.
What do I mean by "judging others"? I mean unfairly jumping to a conclusion based on limited understanding, or seeing another human being through eyes of bias and prejudice. This kind of judging is a way of punishing another person because they do not check the boxes of the person we think they should be.
When we judge people we reduce them to a handful of characteristics, and draw a negative conclusion about them. This leads to the objectification of the person, whereby we make them the object of our condemnation and vilification.
Judging others is destructive both for the person judging and the person being judged. With all that in mind, here are 7 reasons not to judge people:
1. You don’t know what is going on inside another person.
How many times have you been asked how you are, and said “fine,” even though you weren’t? We all know this is true. We mask our pain. We suffer in silence. We put on the happy/smiley face when we are dying inside. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean another person isn’t hurting. A person’s actions or behaviors may not be any indication of what is going on inside of them.
2. People are doing the best they can.
I know this is sometimes difficult to believe about another person. I get that. It’s hard for me at times to believe that about others. But think about it. You know it’s true. It’s complicated! Life is complicated! People are complicated! There are a lot of moving parts inside and outside a person. Aren’t we all a little off – carrying pain, unhealed wounds, ways we protect ourselves, and other dysfunctions we have picked up along the way?
3. You don’t have all the answers.
At times we can look at another person’s life and just see all this stupid stuff it appears they’re doing. On the outside looking in, another person’s life seems pretty cut and dry to us in terms of what they should be doing or not doing or how they are handing a situation or whatever. It’s amazing how quickly we turn into the infallible personal life coach when it comes to another person’s life!
4. Being judged hurts.
It’s quite possible that the most painful human feeling is one of being judged. There’s so much involved – silent pain; being misunderstood; rejection in the very moment we most need understanding, love and acceptance.
5. Every human being is worth love and acceptance.
Judging people often leads to objectifying them. People are not objects. A su***de happens every 40 seconds. People will often show up in our lives at the end of their rope… hanging on by a thread. The expression of love, acceptance, understanding and kindness to someone who is struggling or hurting may be the difference between them giving up on themselves and life or finding the courage and hope to keep living."
6. Judging others reinforces the lie.
When we judge others we are perpetuating a toxic delusion on two levels. First, we are reinforcing the lie that a person can be reduced to our perception or experience of them in the moment or over some period of time. This is a denial of the truth that every human being is fundamentally an expression of the one and same pure and ultimate nature or essence. Secondly, judging others reinforces the lie of our separateness, which masks the truth of our underlying oneness.
7. Judging people doesn't help you or them.
We often judge and condemn people from a place of superiority, revenge, ego, bitterness and animosity. That doesn't really help you or them. Superiority, revenge, ego, bitterness and animosity are toxic and does harm to yourself and others. If we have been wronged or hurt by others, there are natural human feelings we have, a process of healing to work through, and rational actions and choices we can take. We can wish for the growth and wholeness of others from a distance, and in time let go of our resentment and animosity, knowing that this aids our own well-being.
As an alternative to judging others, make unconditional compassion your way of being in the world. Get interested in truly knowing and understanding people and the many different factors and conditions that shape and impact their lived human experience.
- Jim Palmer
