Building a Eucharistic Marriage

Building a Eucharistic Marriage Building a Eucharistic Marriage is a 7 part online program for Catholic couples. The Discovering Our Deepest Desire (D.O.D.D.) The D.O.D.D.

curriculum is not just about strengthening marriages, but it is also about building Marriage Education teams in our church that provide marriage support and encouragement to those in need. It seeks to encourage ongoing support versus a “flash-in-the-pan” approach. Too many people wait too long to get help for their marriage, out of fear of what it will look like to others. Often, couple’s wait unt

il their marriage is in extreme crises or at the end-of-the-rope before finally seeking help; and often, at this point, it is too late. concept is built upon creating ongoing support for couples and for reducing the stigma of marriage education being only for those in trouble. Rather, it should be readily available in our churches in order to help couples grow in and work at their marriage, ongoing, with the support of their faith community.

“Love each other as God loves each one of you, with an intense and particular love. Be kind to each other: It is better ...
05/26/2026

“Love each other as God loves each one of you, with an intense and particular love. Be kind to each other: It is better to commit faults with gentleness than to work miracles with unkindness.”
St. Teresa of Calcutta.

I know I have talked about this concept before when it comes to marriage, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again…and again…and again. Gentleness is critical when it comes to our marital relationship. Too often we lack this virtue with our spouse because we have higher expectations of them, our disappointment in their mistakes is greater due to our dependence on them, or we have fears or past hurts that cause us to, at times, question their true intentions or sincerity. We react to these upsetting situations often with frustration, anger, or disbelief. However, this type of response usually results in arguments or emotional withdrawal. With both of these responses comes marital division.

When we make mistakes, it can be humbling or embarrassing to see the pain we’ve caused our spouse. It’s understandable for there to be an initial stage of frustration and disappointment for our spouse. But when their anger continues to pummel or punish us, even after we have apologized and are seeking to make amends, eventually it can complicate and exacerbate the process of trying to make things better.

Our best defense in any situation is to have a productive and heartfelt discussion that brings about understanding and resolve. Gentleness helps in creating an environment that is inviting and helps us have a better chance of encouraging a unified approach towards resolution. I often tell my students and clients that if we are going to have any chance at keeping unity in our marriage, we need to build communication that is welcoming, not aggressive. Assertive, but gentle.

ACTION STEP: This week, practice more gentleness with your spouse, especially when it is the hardest.

05/20/2026

Marriage Matters Video #89 -- Sowing Seeds

Faithfulness in marriage is, first and foremost, living out our marital commitment with unbreakable fidelity for the sak...
05/19/2026

Faithfulness in marriage is, first and foremost, living out our marital commitment with unbreakable fidelity for the sake of our family and the Church. In the Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et spes (48), it states: “Thus a man and a woman, who by their compact of conjugal love "are no longer two, but one flesh" (Matt. 19:ff), render mutual help and service to each other through an intimate union of their persons and of their actions. Through this union they experience the meaning of their oneness and attain to it with growing perfection day by day. As a mutual gift of two persons, this intimate union and the good of the children impose total fidelity on the spouses and argue for an unbreakable oneness between them.”

Our marital strength builds up the lives of our children and builds up the “Body of Christ,’ the Church. However, our bigger acts of faithfulness need to flow from the smaller acts of faithfulness that each of us are faced with daily. Each choice we make daily, to live out our love and commitment with our spouse, while at the same time guarding our hearts from sin and division, strengthens our resolve for the bigger trials we will face. When our relationship is strained and weakened by lies, secrets, harshness, sarcasm, frustration, anger, and such, it can cause our hearts to be vulnerable to temptations that can destroy our union if acted upon.

So everyday work on building up your faithfulness in marriage. Tell the truth immediately no matter how hard it may be. Apologize quickly and sincerely. Be gentle in your responses and gentle in your disappointments. Follow through with your promises and always be a person of your word. Give when it is easy but also when it is hard. Live out your marital oath of being true in good times and in bad, in sickness and when physically sound, when money is plentiful and when it is sparse, with a resolve to do all of this until death.

ACTION STEP: This week, seek to live out daily the small acts of faithfulness for your spouse and your marriage. Seek to do them with joy.

In the past, I did a talk at a local church titled, “Expecting So Much, Giving So Little.” I started off by talking abou...
05/13/2026

In the past, I did a talk at a local church titled, “Expecting So Much, Giving So Little.” I started off by talking about how many of us experience this type of attitude in those we work with, those around us, and even our children. We even see Jesus accusing the Pharisees of this behavior – (Matthew 23: 1-4) “Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to his disciples, saying, ‘The scribes and the Pharisees have taken their seat on the chair of Moses. Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example. For they preach but they do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens hard to carry and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them.’” How often do we get frustrated with others who complain about not getting the help, the attention, or the love that they hoped for or need, yet they are sparse in giving these same things to others?

So, do not “focus on the splinter in your brother’s eye,” when you have done little to deal with the “plank in your own eye.” In marriage, we are called to be each other’s helpmate which indicates that we have committed, through an oath, to assist our spouse in getting their needs met. However, we get frustrated when their needs get in the way of our comfort or our desires. How often have I heard my wife or children ask me (because of my skill in this area), “Can you rub my back, please? It really aches,” to which I find myself internally getting irritated. I’m sure my body language also conveys that same emotion outwardly. In contrast, I also find myself getting indignant when I am the one asking for help from others and receive the same kind of ‘annoyed’ response.

Love calls for us to have a generous heart which is exampled in our generous giving. Marriage is a Sacrament of sacrifice calling us to Eucharistically give to one another generously and lovingly. Bearing and caring for children also calls us to a similar type of sacrifice. So, we need to ask ourselves, “Am I willing give as much as I expect?” Or better yet, “am I willing to give without counting the cost?” Jesus did, and He doesn’t expect anything of us, that He’s not willing to do Himself.

ACTION STEP: This week, look for opportunities to give help, attention, or love more generously to our spouse and our children.

I’ve noticed over the years that ‘kindness’ often gets lost in our attempts to be humorous, or at the least, humor is an...
05/05/2026

I’ve noticed over the years that ‘kindness’ often gets lost in our attempts to be humorous, or at the least, humor is an excuse for our failure to be kind. Let me explain. How often have you found yourself, after your spouse becomes upset with you about a comment you make, saying “I was just kidding,” as if that makes things better. Or, how often are we trying to joke around with our spouse and we go too far with the joke or don’t know when to stop. Quickly, we find ourselves in ‘hot water’ and quickly trying to back pedal. Either way, our spouse is often hurt by what they perceive to be a lack of kindness.

In times like these, we need to halt the attempts to laugh the situation away or to make excuses and to ‘brush off’ our spouse’s feelings. We may feel that our spouse is being too sensitive or blowing things out of proportion. However, often when our spouse is reacting negatively toward our jocularity, it’s usually because we've hit a nerve, due to a break in our relationship connection and trust, and our spouse is not sure about our underlying motives. They may feel wary that the joking is more of a passive-aggressive or, at least, a veiled way of us making a statement regarding something about them with which we are annoyed or unhappy.

When there is this type of fragility of trust in our marriage, it calls for spouses to be more attentive towards each other, to understand their struggles, and to approach each other with more kindness and a more supportive attitude.

Most couples go through times of feeling distant from each other. We all have moments where we feel self-conscious about ourselves and our weaknesses. We all have moments of struggling with day-to-day problems and our emotions being out of whack. As helpmates to each other, we are called to be kind to our spouse in our words and in our deeds. It doesn’t mean that we can’t ‘kid around’ with one another, but it does mean we need to be paying attention to how our spouse is doing in each situation we are in.

ACTION STEP: This week, seek more ways to show your spouse kindness, especially in those moments when they seem the most fragile.

Here’s a concept that is often missing in marriages – patience. When our spouse interferes with or messes up our plans, ...
04/28/2026

Here’s a concept that is often missing in marriages – patience. When our spouse interferes with or messes up our plans, when they don’t measure up to our expectations, when they make a mistake or the same mistake multiple times, or when they forget important dates or details, we often are quick to becoming frustrated and angry. It seems the longer we are together, the easier it is to lose patience with one another.

Patience doesn’t come easy when emotions are high and stress is abundant. We can become frustrated easily when the actions or inactions of our “helpmate” seem to be getting in our way of attaining what we want, and sometime getting what we need. To complicate matters more, when we react towards each other with anger and disappointment, situations often turn into loud arguments or can lead to one or the other spouse, over time, withdrawing emotionally from the relationship.

Patience calls for us to take a ‘time-out’ or a break from a conversation that is getting heated, knowing that we need time to calm down and regroup. It calls for us to listen more and ask questions when we feel the urge to fight back and defend our point of view. It requires humility in remembering that your spouse has struggles, bad days, and forgetfulness just like all of us do. Patience means taking time to look for the best and to think the best of each other, and to recognize that ‘unsaid expectations’ are hard to realize since none of us are gifted with mind reading abilities.
Patience defined is: “the capacity to accept or bear delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” This can best be accomplished when we ask for the grace to endure the struggles we have with others as Christ did for us. No one ever said patience would be easy, just that it is a virtue best practiced for the wellbeing of ourselves and others.

ACTION STEP: This week, pray for and work with God’s grace on having more patience with your spouse.

04/22/2026

Marriage Matters Video #88 - Consider vs. Control

The distance between happiness and peace are the same as between pleasure and satisfaction. One is fleeting and the othe...
04/22/2026

The distance between happiness and peace are the same as between pleasure and satisfaction. One is fleeting and the other is longer lasting. For example, eating a whole sleave of Oreo cookies might give me pleasure and happiness in the moment, but later on I might not like the effects it has on my body or my next dentist appointment. On the other hand, running twenty laps at soccer practice might curtail my immediate state of happiness and feelings of pleasure, but given time, getting in better condition can have a positive effect on my satisfaction about the condition of my health and more peace with how I am caring for my body.

Now let’s transfer that to our marriage. So many couples that come into marriage therapy say to me that they “just want to be happy in their marriage,” and many men will tell me that they “just want their wife to be happy.” Yet the reality is that there are not enough good jokes in the world or YouTube videos of people doing stupid things that can make the difficulties of life go away or make our relationship more joy-filled. We often wish we could capture a happy moment and freeze it in time. We do everything in our power to keep “happy” going through initiating distractions, silly quips, or pithy sayings like, “just look on the bright side” or “at least you don’t have [fill in the blank].”

The reality is that life is hard at times and sometimes very complicated. What we ultimately are desiring is peace. We can have peace even in the moments of “unhappiness.” How? Through a marriage that is fulfilling, attentive, loving, and compassionate. Sometimes we won’t have happiness for a while, but during these times, we are called to walk this ‘Road to Calvary’ together and help each other in carrying their cross. Sometimes we are called to give to one another in a way that is sacrificial and time consuming.

Ultimately, it is in the giving to and ‘feeding’ of one another that we strengthen our relationship and find true peace in a love that endures despite suffering. In time, the rain will stop, and the sun will shine again. But it’s not the sun that brings us true peace, but rather the knowledge that someone was willing to walk with us and love us, both in the times of rain and the times of sun.

ACTION STEP: This week, ask God for the grace, to walk with your spouse, through the trials of life with patience and compassion. Ask, “What part of your cross can I help you carry?”

04/16/2026

Marriage Matters Video #87 -- Assist vs. Resist

John 15:11 – “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”Where does your joy c...
04/16/2026

John 15:11 – “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”

Where does your joy come from, the world or Christ? Too many of us our looking for our happiness to come from the world around us. We try to find it in money, vacations, parties, power and prestige, success, relationships, etc. While we do find moments of joy in some or all of these, often this joy is fleeting and conditional, and often they only fill us up for a time.

But God is calling us to a deeper joy that comes from God alone. A joy that He is always watching over us, always walking beside us, always offering us assistance and grace, and always loving us and forgiving us unconditionally. He want to give us an eternity of peace and love, so much so that His son died on the cross to give us a pathway to heaven. Once we truly realize this, we can obtain a true joy in knowing that even through hard times and pain, Christ is there to comfort and guide us through.

It is through this joy and through the grace of God that we are called to share it with others, especially our beloved. It is when we don’t truly believe that God ‘has our back and is fighting for us,’ that we can become selfish, envious, prideful, and greedy in our relationships with others. This is when couples stop listening, understanding, and meeting each other’s needs. But when we trust that God is taking care of us in the good times and bad, that joy is seen and experienced by those around us. We are called to be like Christ to our spouse by showing them our joy lived out through our hope, patience, and compassion in the difficult times.

ACTION STEP: This week, spend time in prayer asking God to help you trust more in Him and for Him to share His joy with you so that your joy may be more complete.

“Love” is such an overused word of an action, that is so underutilized. So many people I see in therapy say that, though...
04/07/2026

“Love” is such an overused word of an action, that is so underutilized. So many people I see in therapy say that, though things are rough, at times, they do love their spouse. Yet, they proceed to tell me about all the horrible things that they say and do to each other: yelling, screaming, call each other mean and nasty names, manipulating, neglecting, and even abusing. So many people equate “love” with a feeling of happiness, and when they are not happy, or their spouse is not happy with them, they feel like their love is dying or dead. After a while of the behaviors above, it actually does die.

However, love is a choice. It is a choice to commit to someone else through good times and bad, times of good health and times of sickness, times of plenty and the times of poverty, until death. Love calls us to make the choice every day to work at our marriage when things are rough, and to do it sacrificially and generously rather than through selfishness and demands. A choice to die to ourselves for the good of our spouse.

Love is an action. It is doing things for my spouse because they need it done, not because I feel like it or because I get something in return. Ultimately, it is to love another for the sake of the other. We also need to let go of our need to “fix everything for our spouse so they can get back to happy.” Many times, love calls us to walk with our spouse as they suffer their own ‘cross.’

Love costs us something. In order to give to another person, it must cost me something: time, attention, action, comfort, pride. To love another person calls us to sacrifice some part of ourselves in order to fill up something inside of them. This is why, in marriage, it has to be a two-way street. If not, one or both spouses will become completely depleted. But if we both are actively feeding each other, we will discover that those are the times when we become truly filled with love and deeply connected. To quote from the musical Les Misérables, “To love another person is to see the face of God.”

ACTION STEP: This week, look for ways to help your spouse carry their daily ‘crosses’ and pray for the grace to do it with joy.

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