05/04/2022
I posted this on boy’s private page.
Let me start this post to say Carter is fine.
I am not.
It is with so much sadness that I tell you that on June 24, 2022 that Carter will be admitted into long term care.
(In Fort Smith Arkansas about an hour from home. )
I am not ok with this at all because my heart is breaking more than I ever thought was possible.
I had another talk with my oncologist. I have outlived my prognosis. I was given 9 months when I was diagnosed December of 2020. Going on 16 months now.
I have stage 4 mesothelioma.
Of course no one can tell me how much time I have left but in their professional opinion I will NOT survive this cancer. No one does.
It is considered incurable, deadly and aggressive. ( Mayo Clinic’s exact words )
I need to make sure Carter is taken care of for when I am not here any longer. 😞
What ?!?!? How can this be happening?!?
How can a mother do this ?
Put her child in long term care when currently my cancer is considered stable ???
My cancer hasn’t gone away by any means but it hasn’t grown since my last scans.
My palliative care dr said with mesothelioma it’s like a hockey stick. You go along doing pretty good then you drop off and get bad and pass away very quickly. 😩
My Drs say this is my gift to Carter. It sure as hell ( sorry ) doesn’t feel like a gift. I feel like I am giving up on Carter when I know deep in my heart I am not.
My Drs say doing it this way before I am gone will allow for the best transition for Carter. I can get him settled in, answer all questions and stay with him to help him adjust slowly.
If I wait til I am gone to place Carter it could be a waiting period of possibly years for an opening and the person who knows Carter best ( me ) would not be there to help him adjust and tell the staff all about Carter.
Cliff must work and his 12 hour days would not allow him to give Carter the care he needs. Plus he will be very busy with Brady and Artie.
Still…. knowing these things does not help my grieving heart. I feel like I am giving my child away.
I know it’s not true but my mamas heart is angry. Angry I have terminal cancer and must make this decision. Oh..so…angry.
How can I explain this to Carter when he won’t understand ????
His life will change dramatically on June 24th and I can hardly stand it. 💔😭😩💔
I have confidence this is an extremely good home. But…. I am not gone yet and aside from my bad chemo week ( every three weeks literally I don’t get out of bed much for 7 days ) I am still able to take care of him.
My anxiety is ridiculous and I am having panic attacks where I feel like I am having a heart attack.
And yes I am on meds for this.
I worry he will be by himself and need something. I worry he will wonder where his mama is at especially at bedtime. I always rock him to sleep. Always !!
Cliff and I will get a hotel the first week he is there. That way I can stay with him all day at first. They don’t allow overnight visitation.
Then I will still see him daily while he is adjusting and drive back and forth. It is an hour away.
He can come home for day visits but if we keep him overnight he has to go through isolation again. 10 days. Ugh
Thanks Covid rules. 😞
I pray that restriction is lifted soon.
I still pray every day for my miracle!! If God gives me my miracle of healing, then of course Carter would move back home in a heartbeat.
And if I don’t get a miracle….. then Carter will live the rest of his life at Brownwood where he will get loving care 24/7. He doesn’t have to leave at age 18.
I wanted to do a live to tell you all this but pretty sure no one could understand me through my ugly crying. 😩😭😩
For the few of you who are against us doing this, please do not comment negatively. Pease try to understand this decision was made after many months of praying about it and thinking of any other solution that would work. Carter requires so much complex care. I may make our lives look easy but I promise you it is anything but easy.
But that’s ok because we promised to love Carter unconditionally when we adopted Carter and I know without a doubt we do.
We will still legally be his parents and have total control over his medical decisions.
I have a monitor by my bed. When I can’t sleep I lay there listening to Carter sleep. I wake up to hearing him giggling in his bed. He is always in the best mood in the mornings.
The quiet of my house will alone be brutal when he moves. 😭
Of dear God I need peace, peace that I am making the right decision. My palliative care dr is the one who told me a few months ago to get my affairs in order regarding Carter.
I literally feel like now I will die with a broken heart. 💔🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Please be kind. Don’t say things about Carter being scared or alone there. ( yes, I have gotten those messages )
Because I promise you I have thought of all of them.
If you have read this far, thank you for your support and love.
I promise you I love Carter so much and I don’t know how I will get through this.
💔Diane
