A Journey of Grief and Acceptance after Suicide.

04/25/2022

It has been awhile since I have written my feelings as my journey continues. It may be due to the fact my emotions and difficulties seem to be normal and alas the "new normal" that was referred to many years ago has finally happened.

I still have the struggles. Loneliness, the constant parenting with no familial support and very infrequent breaks away from my children and the struggle of being positive and stress free as I carry all responsibilities alone.

The pandemic was a break. First six months were heaven. No hard deadlines for drop offs and extra curricular activities, no social activities to juggle but it provided lots of cozy time with my boys as we watched various series on streaming apps.

I leaned into listening to more podcasts and audio books, with the love of music as a foundation of happiness that always flows through my house.

I met a man named Alex Mintling and became instant friends, he is kind, generous with compliments and is multifaceted with his skill set of talents.

He and I both understand su***de ideation and the complexities of su***de and advocate for strong mental health. He asked if I would share my story of being a Survivor of su***de loss with him on his podcast over a year ago. I said okay, but did not feel pressed to set a date or get it started.

After a year, Alex and I, sat down in my family room and chatted and recorded this podcast. There is no editing, no filter on the language or the grammatical incorrect sentences. There are tears and laughter shared throughout.

You may learn a few things that many of my closest friends may not know about me, along with my suggestive opinion of what can be done to help those who have lost a loved one regardless of the manner of death.

I love my life. My boys are amazing and I hope this podcast is helpful and a reminder that we can thrive after having our world broken and our hearts smashed.

And this song rings true- By Dermot Kennedy--Better Days!
https://open.spotify.com/track/48USW4aYqrylYWJmFPbC8A?si=ff941b1ef5b546d1

Podcast:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GAaPh8jHwiFT6Apjt5IhF?si=3RGajTtfRyKzluxAR7IZog



***de

National Su***de Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

02/24/2021

Books,Ted Talks, and Podcasts. I love it all. Today's podcast gave me goosebumps, laughter, smiles and a reminder of what is important.

"We are not alone, We are here for each other.

Ask for help-So many people-out there who will help and will do anything. Learn to ask for help." Linda Lue

Alex is a great host and a wonderful new friend. Enjoy.

Su***de Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

The Builder's Journey · Episode

01/30/2021

This FB post was written January 29th, 2019 on my personal page.
Due to the Pandemic- I am sharing it again. I believe we are struggling to have good mental health. We are stronger together.

(John and I )We had Breakfast together.
He wanted to get a Cuban sandwich and his double Cordito.

Never did I imagine su***de was a choice.

Since my husband's passing 4 years ago..su***de has been an option I've considered 3 different times.

With the last time being during a su***de prevention and awareness bike ride in July of 2017.

If you followed my ride...you probably didn't know the effort, energy and grit it took to get each day done.

So, -how do you help if you don't see the sadness, the loneliness and the struggle?

The only answer I have is be PRESENT to those you are connected to.

Make a call to say Hi...make plans to take a walk..send a quick text.

These small efforts make a difference.

Covid may limit our physical interactions but we can be connected.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or need to talk to someone- Please call 1-800-273-8255
https://su***depreventionlifeline.org/

You are not alone.

12/13/2020

2020 has been eventful. We all need different things. A Blue Christmas Service.

The service is about 20 minutes long. Will be live at 7pm. Not available to join- watch any day or time after. Love to everyone!

Creating space for the difficult feelings the holidays can bring- whether you've lost a loved one or a relationship, you won't be with family this year, or you are just WEARY from 2020...

Join us for music, prayer, and reflection that honor how we really are and OFFER HOPE.

The service goes live at 7pm on December 13th right here and is AVAILABLE ANYTIME after to watch or share any time you need.

Creating space for the difficult feelings the holidays can bring- whether you've lost a loved one or a relationship, you won't be with family this year, or you are just weary from 2020..

11/14/2020

Are you superstitious?

Friday the 13th is unlucky?
Believe that bad things happen in 3's?
Avoid a black cat crossing your path?

I will pause or avoid certain things that are considered unlucky. But today is my Husband's birthday. He would tease me about the superstitiousness of his birthday being on Friday, the 13th.

He didn't celebrate birthdays and as the years flowed his birthday evolved from a dinner, to a day, to a weekend and finally a week long celebration. He enjoyed it.

This week has been long and trying. I twisted my ankle and fell in the back yard and became immobile. Had to depend on my 8 and 11 year old for the simplest tasks and ordered food several times to avoid standing on the foot.

Not able to walk quickly or without pain, my eyes opened up on how much care my senior dog Suki was receiving that I couldn't provide anymore. I made an appointment for Tuesday the 17th for euthanasia.

I talked to my sons' about this transition and they elected to be away from the house. However, Suki had other plans. 2 days went by and I knew she was ready to be on her way. I rescheduled her appointment.

Suki and I took our last walk together yesterday. Our normal walk, it took twice as long due to her age and my ailment of a bad ankle.

She knew I would be ok. My heart has healed so much. It was time to go and to celebrate John's birthday in person.

As she passed, I sobbed and sobbed, and told her how much peace and love she had given me. After the vet left with Suki, I cried for myself as I sat alone, no one next to me, no physical comfort, no partner to tell me it would be ok.

My heart broke as It brought me back to December 20th, 2014, as I sat alone during John's service at the church. I was mad that death had found me alone, again 6 years later.

Nope, I wanted more! I didn't want to be alone!

I reached out! I spoke my feelings of loss and asked for what I needed. I needed hugs and NO SORRYS for my loss.

My family, friends, my community showed up. My husband's lost taught me how to receive help, how to ask for what is needed and how to have gratitude for what is present.

My life has changed so much in the last 6 years. I love my life that I have with my boys. I love the growth that has happened over the years (therapy, reading self-help, exercise etc). These gifts are partially from my husband and from our own hard work as a family.

We celebrate John regularly with a Day of the Dead altar, birthday, Father's Day and in daily conversations. Even though he died by su***de, I will never be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about my husband. His presence in my life has given me more gifts than heartaches.

So- my superstitiousness of the number 3 is no longer but is my favorite, lucky number. I tell my boys, I triple love them. Suki was adopted in March, 3rd month and left us on the 12th..numbers add up to 3.

Happy Birthday Husband. We Triple Love You and Suk!

07/24/2020

Holy Cow- Our daily living has been affected so much by Covid-19.

As each month has unfolded I have seen many of my friends tackling many of the same emotions that I went through when my husband John Todd passed: loneliness, uncertainty, grieving for the activities and routines pre-covid, and the threat or loss of financial security, and concern for their mental health and for their children.

With any major change in our life the world keeps moving and we have to keep adjusting. It can be confusing, overwhelming and daunting to keep pushing forward when there are few answers.

Mental health is so important and I work hard everyday to be strong in mind and body. The top three items for me are: Laughter-Exercise-Someone to talk to.

After my husband's passing my in-laws, community, family, neighbors/friends, and FB readers became my support and provided love as I maneuvered through all the aforementioned emotions.

I am offering support, awareness and love as a friend/neighbor so you know that you are not alone.

July of 2017 my brother n law did a Memorial bike ride for Su***de Awareness and Prevention. He rode from Canada to San Francisco. The same ride that he and my late husband completed in 1992.

This July starting from Saturday the 25th to July 31st I will ride for:
Survivors of Su***de Loss
Those who struggle with Suicidal Ideation
For the ones we lost to Su***de
For those who struggle with depression/anxiety

And for everyone who is struggling in any capacity with the craziness of all the changes that Covid-19 has brought to your family!

Please post a comment, DM, email me, text me if you would like me to ride in honor of a loved one or to ride in support of you.

Exercise is a great way to improve our mental health- I would love to see pictures of you and your family exercising this week from July 25th to July 31st.




Su***de Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
Colorado Crisis Services 1-844-493-8255

01/23/2020

*This post does discuss a method that was used in a su***de.

Becoming a widow or widower is incredibly hard. Being a Survivor to a su***de loss is overwhelming.

You have a ton of "What if's scenarios to play out"

Plus you need to become an educator to answer the slew of questions that come at you:

"Did you know? Where they sick? Where they depressed? Were there financial problems/relationship issues? How could they leave their kids?

These questions can be followed up with statements such as: "How selfish. Help is available. I'm so angry at them.

As a Survivor you try to answer these questions and respond to the statements with grace and patience even though your heart has been shattered.

Below is a post from my friend AMY also a Survivor of su***de loss. She lost her husband Greg in 2015.

" "They took the easy way out." I used to think that was somewhat true when I thought about su***de and now I need to share the untruth of that.

My change in this thought didn't come from a book, therapy, or a class I took. When Greg died, we were still married so I collected his belongings from the police station.

Those items included the firearm he used to end his life. I wanted everything they gave me because I thought there was an answer in that bag of why this happened. I held the firearm and was shocked by how heavy it was .. I can still feel that weight in my hand when I think about it. Then I looked down the barrel, to try and understand how. It was terrifying to look down that cylinder and know this is what he saw.

I immediately understood ... the pain that Greg felt outweighed any fear of looking down what would cause his death.

I will never be able to imagine what he was carrying on his shoulders to overcome that fear but it had to be immense.


What I do know is that was not an easy way out. Not knowing what would happen in the afterlife, not knowing what would happen with the kids when they found out, not knowing if this would really stop the pain .. and he chose that unknown.

Please consider changing your thoughts of su***de if it includes the "easy way out" belief.

Instead, understand that someone contemplating su***de is carrying something so heavy that they may choose the worst way to make it stop .. and it is not easy.

By dispelling myths and stigma, we can make a difference in empowering people to reach out for help with that heavy load."

Thank you AMY for allowing me to share your post. Nothing is easy about Su***de.

11/13/2019

It is John's birthday today. November 13th but.....

My grief appeared yesterday afternoon like a crazy thunderstorm. I sobbed, I cried and I went on a walk to feel the warm sun.

I had to reach out for support and comfort. I felt embarrassed that after nearly 5 years I couldn't stop the sadness, emptiness and hurt. Why did it feel soooo strong the grief and anxiety?

Because John was my safe place for all my nonsense, the venting, the frustrations and always the support to grow and explore.

Because John was a great "Papa" to his boys and he knew it. It is one of the few things he said to me on the day that he left- "I've been a good father."

My sons' childhood changed. My future altered. Widowhood seems to embrace me. I say, I would like to be partnered. Dating says---NO--. I am a handful - I am a talker - I need to be more patient- I plan to much -

I would love for my boys to experience a man who would love, encourage and teach them as my husband did but for the time being- We are and will be enough for each other.

Happy Birthday Husband! The boys and I made the apple pie for you!