09/07/2024
This body. This body has carried me into my 36th year. Year 35 was about facing my fears, regulating my nervous system, and getting grounded within myself. With 36, I turn towards desire.
I’ve built a thriving practice, now what do I want to create next? My heart feels lit up imagining the training I want to create for traditional postpartum care, and the ease with which it will come together.
I’ve settled into a safe, loving home, now what kind of play do I want to do here? What joyful, colorful meals do I want to cook here? The corners of my mouth turn up as I imagine the rainbow that makes up ratatouille and the joy of swinging myself and spinning our toddlers from the yoga swing I intend to hang.
I’ve freed myself from unhealthy relationship dynamics, and my heart races imagining the beautiful relationships I’m calling in to my life.
It feels like a risk - to love this much, to desire this much, to express this much. But this is the story of my life. To express and support others in their truest expressions of self.
Mary Oliver’s “Wild Geese” comes across my mind again. It’s a poem I’ve visited with so many times before, and still it makes me feel deeply.
It reminds me, do not say “no” to the love in your heart, out of desire to “be good,” to please others. It reminds me to deepen into my body, my breath, my heart, my knowing, and to live my life, make my decisions from that place and that place only.
I breath into my fear. I breath into my unworthiness, that says I can’t have these things weighing on my heart, that says they won’t work out, one way or another. I feel it. It hurts, but I feel it.
And then I feel the love, and leap from there.