Ari Hoffman Psychotherapy, LLC

04/08/2024

I wrote this back in December, getting on a plane to come back to Israel after a trip to Denver. Enjoy...

Some sort of alchemy occurs walking down the jetway at Logan Int'l to the El Al 787 which is sitting on the ramp, flaps set, and ready to take us on our journey home.

When we inch up in line at the concourse and approach the ticket scanning kiosk we are citizens of the world. All of us walking our path and interacting with the world as we do.

And as we pass the aircraft doors with emergency opening instructions written on the outside in both English and Hebrew we walk in to a big family reunion with all of its loving and sometimes claustrophobic warmth.

There are the relatives who are so happy to see everyone, the relatives who sit in stoic silence, the relatives who want to catch up with everyone's news, and the relatives who only want to hang out with the people they're tight with. There are the relatives who are fun to hang out with and the ones that are a bit cringy. There are the relatives we want to talk to and get to know better and the relatives who make us want to walk the other way.

There are a lot of relatives we don't know but that's ok because we know we're related. We don't even know their names but we know that we would trust them to watch our most treasured belongings like our carry on bags or even our children (at least for a couple minutes) because they're family and that goes deep.

The same dynamics present in our immediate families replicate themselves on a bigger scale. The inspiringly lovely things that give us long term hope for this family along with the frustrating behavior that makes us wonder how this many people in our family were functional enough to get themselves in to the same place at the same time.

I'm sitting in a seat on a 787 in Boston surrounded by people who care about me.

I'm surrounded by people who care about me.

My family cares about me.

03/26/2024

Semi-profound thoughts by Ari Hoffman

When I was 18 years old and, in my perception, at the peak of personal wisdom and maturity I was learning in yeshiva in Israel. In a class with my rebbe, Rabbi Noach Orlowek shlit”a, Reb
Noach said the following line.
“The definition of maturity is the recognition that how I feel now is not how I will feel for the rest of my life.”
When I think back now to my immediate reaction to that line it is with a bit of humorous embarrassment. The initial response in my head was a slightly offended “is he implying that I’m not yet mature?” And I can honestly tell you that I didn’t realize the greatness of this line until probably about 18 years later.
I’m continually awed and amazed by the things that I hear in the course of my work as a couples therapist. One such statement came after I told a young woman that it is ok to love your partner
and also be irritated and even angry with him. She looked at me with wonder and said, “I’ve never been told that before! I always thought that if I’m angry with my husband then there must
be something wrong in the relationship.”
Relationships, especially committed partner relationships, are like two strands constantly moving into and out of connection, converging and diverging and then converging and diverging
again. There is stress in the divergence and relief in the convergence. This pattern is normal and is even an important part of building trust, intimacy, and healthy sexuality in the relationship.
If there is only divergence then I can’t trust that we will come back together but if there is only convergence then I have no opportunity to learn that even though we might be in conflict our
relationship can handle it. In the process of convergence and divergence we begin to trust that our relationship can handle some challenging elements, we learn that the relationship is resilient. When we know our relationship is resilient then we can trust it’s ability to sustain stressful things like having a baby, moving, the death of a family member, physical or mental illness, and all of the normal stressful things that can happen in the course of human life.
When you find yourself in conflict with your partner tell yourself it’s normal and try conceptualizing it as a temporary divergence and then work together to repair and come back in
to convergence. This is the time to invoke that maturity and remember that even though I feel in divergence with my partner, it will not always be that way. And while you’re doing so keep in
mind that this is exactly what it’s supposed to be like. You don’t have to be worried if you’re in divergence as long as you’re still in motion. The pathology happens not in the fight or argument
necessarily but when the dynamic (still moving) becomes static (not moving at all). When that happens and we’re in what feels like perpetual divergence (or even perpetual convergence for
that matter) then that might be a time to enlist the help of a couples therapist to help make the static dynamic again. That just made me think of an acronym – MRDA, Make Relationships
Dynamic Again. I think I need to start selling some hats.

03/13/2024

Semi-Profound Thoughts on Purim (by Ari Hoffman)

We are marching onward toward Purim.
Most of us, especially yeshiva attendees and their loved ones, are familiar with the Gemara (Megilla 7B) that says that a person is obligated to get so drunk on Purim that he doesn’t know
the difference between 'cursed is Haman' and 'blessed is Mordechai.'
I am not an apologist for getting drunk (or not) on Purim. Get drunk or don’t, this Gemara is calling your name and offering you the secret to a meaningful Pesach. Yes, I said Pesach.

Laurence Gonzales quotes an interesting study in his epic book (epic as in ‘awesome’ not as in ‘long’), Deep Survival. A group of airline pilots were put through a unique simulator scenario to
see how they would fare. The pilots are going through the process of preparing for landing, they receive landing clearance from the tower and they are on final approach. At some point when
the plane is close to the runway the simulator operator puts another airplane on the runway. The result? Many pilots keep on landing and don’t see the other airplane. The pilots don’t see the abnormal thing because they are focusing on the image they expect to see – an empty runway. Gonzales calls this a “memory of the future” and says that, in the mind, it’s as if the expected thing has already occurred. The plane has already landed safely.
What those pilots were not doing is making space for what else might be there.

One Purim evening a few years ago, as I was pacing up and down the block in front of my house trying to
metabolize the copious amounts of wine that I had drunk, I started singing the words from that Gemara “ad d’lo yada” (until he doesn’t know) over and over.
Suddenly the chanted words from a tape of Shlomo Carlebach I listened to as a child came to my mind. “What do we know? What do we know?”
I realized in a flash of drunken brilliance that the Gemara is telling us less about Mordechai and Haman and is telling us more about how important it is to not know.

In allowing myself to not know I am intentionally creating space for more information to enter. An important difference between knowing and not knowing is that knowing is static – I know, so
nothing needs to change; and not knowing is dynamic – I don’t know, so everything can change.

In the static of knowing I don’t grow and I don’t change and I don’t see the airplane on the runway in front of me. In the dynamic of not knowing I am open to shifting, changing, and growing, and I can take in the new information of the airplane in front of me.

Purim is the apex in the cycle of holidays. It is the final moment before we transition to the next iteration of the spiral. Purim is therefore both a culmination of the process of a whole year and
the introduction to the beginning of the next cycle.

This Purim allow yourself to travel on the journey of a whimsical story where nothing is quite what it seems to a land where, even for a moment, you let go of your preconceived notions, say “I don’t know” and invite in whatever is there in the not knowing. And with this different perspective we might shift just a little bit and turn
a repeated cycle of static slavery into a growing spiral of dynamic freedom as we continue on the circular calendar of growth. Happy Pesach!

03/13/2024

At noon today you are going to do one of two things -
1) eat your same old green olive and cream cheese sandwich that you eat every day while scrolling through Youtube shorts.
OR
2) eat your same old green olive and cream cheese sandwich that you eat every day and find out some ways to save money on your taxes with Ari Hoffman and Ben Seligman, CPA. It's your choice. Sign up now. (Event will be recorded)

Nobody wants to pay more taxes than necessary. Let the Jewish accountant help you out and we might let you have a turn on the space laser.

03/08/2024

Calling all procrastinators. Don't worry! You've still got a couple more days!

Nobody wants to pay more taxes than necessary. Let the Jewish accountant help you out and we might let you have a turn on the space laser.

02/25/2024

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/5-tax-tips-you-should-know-if-you-are-self-employed-or-1099-tickets-845925705557?aff=oddtdtcreator

Nobody wants to pay more taxes than necessary. Let the Jewish accountant help you out and we might let you have a turn on the space laser.

02/22/2024

Are you self-employed or 1099? Wonder if you're paying too much taxes?

Integrated Care Institute and Ben Seligman,CPA are partnering to bring you a 1 hour presentation to help you save money on your taxes. Sign up now!

Nobody wants to pay more taxes than necessary. Let the Jewish accountant help you out and we might let you have a turn on the space laser.

01/08/2024

My office is looking nicer and nicer. It might be time for you to schedule an appointment.

11/15/2023

ADHD affects how a child concentrates and their ability to stay still and focused throughout the day, especially at school. Children with ADHD can have trouble paying attention and governing their behavior and can be overexcited for long periods. If you suspect your child has ADHD, contact us at IPHC to set up an appointment - 720-442-3615 or www.iphcdenver.com.

11/15/2023

10/08/2022

My youngest daughter turns 10 today.

Ten is the average age children receive a smartphone.

There is no phone for my love to unwrap today though. Snapchat, BeReal, TikTok and Instagram will have to wait too.

Instead, she will delight in a new board game, some fun toys, cute clothes and delicious chocolates for her sweet tooth.

When my oldest daughter turned 10 five years ago, we had decided earlier that year to delay the smartphone until at least 8th grade.

We were worried about how much a smartphone was deleting the magic of childhood one scroll and swipe at a time. We wanted our daughters’ childhoods to look different.

So, we waited.

We waited in elementary school. We waited when a huge group of kids got smartphones for middle school. And we even waited through 8th grade after concluding she still did not need one.

Through the waiting, we talked.

We talked about cyberbullying, sexting and po*******hy. I shared articles and stories with her about the detrimental impact social media is having on children especially girls.

We talked about how so many girls were using filtering apps like Facetune to look thinner, prettier and even sexier at the age of 12. We talked about how constantly editing pictures of yourself can influence your body image and self esteem.

We talked about how a student in our community was blackmailed for sharing n**e pictures over Snapchat.

We talked about how teens were dying across the country from buying drugs laced with Fentanyl on social media.

We talked about how certain friendships were strained after a friend got a new phone or was completely consumed by Instagram.

We talked how tech companies make their platforms addictive after we watched the Social Dilemma together.

Every one of those talks was important and there is no way they could have happened by the time she was 10. We needed that time.

When the time came, she was ready. She received a phone before high school started a couple of months ago. We have started slowly with no games, no social media, no internet browser and no app store. She can call, text, listen to music and communicate with her coaches and teammates on a few sport apps necessary for high school athletics. That is it.

We will follow the same path with my youngest. We will sing her Happy Birthday today and keep the conversation going to prepare her for a device she will not get for almost 5 years. We are thankful for the time we have ahead free of the distractions and dangers that come with a smartphone. We are thankful some of her friends are waiting with her too.

Join us with the Wait Until 8th pledge!

👉Delay the smartphone. Rally some friends to join you in taking the Wait Until 8th pledge. There is strength in numbers!

👉 If you need to get in touch before 8th grade, consider a basic phone (we have some good options in our Instagram story highlight and on our website under devices).

👉Consider delaying social media until at least 16+!

👉If your kid has a phone already, make it less of a toy and more of a communication device. Through parental controls, remove the access to the internet browser. Take off the social media apps. Kick gaming off of the device. Basically, let them call, text, Facetime and listen to music or books. Ensure it stays this way by disabling your child's ability to download apps without your permission. We have step by step instructions on our website under the blog tab.

👉Create space for your kids and their friends to be together WITHOUT their phones. Designate a basket to collect all the phones at the beginning of a gathering. This makes a huge difference!

Parents you've got this! 🙌 If you want to see a difference in how your kids grow up in this insanely connected culture, you have to be the difference.

10/07/2022

Phone: 720-442-3615
Address: 3540 S. Poplar St., Suite 202, Denver, CO 80237
Website: iphcdenver.com

02/02/2021

https://www.glamour.com/story/revenge-bedtime-procrastination-is-real-according-to-psychologists?utm_source=pocket-newtab

You know that thing where you stubbornly stay up late for no reason? Yeah, here's how to stop.

09/11/2020

https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/intelligent-minds-like-tim-cook-jeff-bezos-embrace-rule-of-awkward-silence-you-should-too.html?utm_source=pocket-newtab

The rule of awkward silence has always been valuable. But in a world of instant gratification, it's more useful than ever.

07/28/2020

Interesting article
https://www.gq.com/story/tim-ferriss-interview-quarantine-psychedelics?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Tim Ferriss on his quarantine philosophy, funding psychedelic research, and why “not everything that is meaningful can be measured.”

05/19/2020

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-to-grow-old-bertrand-russell-on-what-makes-a-fulfilling-life?utm_source=pocket-newtab

“Make your interests gradually wider and more impersonal, until bit by bit the walls of the ego recede, and your life becomes increasingly merged in the universal life.”

11/22/2019

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/do-these-5-emotionally-intelligent-things-within-5-minutes-of-meeting-someone?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Being instantly likable isn’t rocket science, but this checklist takes practice to master in the short space of a first impression.

07/03/2019

https://www.npr.org/2019/06/30/736214974/at-your-wits-end-with-a-screen-obsessed-kid-read-this?utm_source=pocket-newtab

NPR's Life Kit sent a parenting expert to help a family cope with its kids' device fixation. The family learned that setting media boundaries means more than limiting the time kids spend on screens.