09/09/2025
Ante Up || By Laura Zwisler, LPC
I suspect life is run like a casino game. Casino games require that you place a bet or “ante up” before you get a chance to play. Playing is not winning. Playing is an opportunity to win. It’s also an opportunity to lose. Should you lose, you paid to lose. Should you win, you paid for the chance to win. Want to play?
You want answers. Why do I keep doing this? Why won’t she change? How can I figure out who I’m supposed to be? You suspect The Universe knows the answers, but you don’t know how to extract them. Perhaps there is a wheel we can spin.
This reality hits home for me every day when I sit across from people who think I know the answers. I don’t. People tell their therapists their dreams, their growth edges, their fears, in hopes that the act of putting it out there will get them a seat at the table. As long as you tell me what you want to be accountable for, I’m happy to keep a chair open for you.
Recently, I needed to work on my own change. As a fitness instructor once said, “If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you.” Me, sitting at home, therapizing myself didn’t challenge me. It didn’t even move the needle. What would challenge me was to go to therapy. My god, did I have a lot of excuses why not to go. I spend all day talking to people, so I don’t want to do it on my own time. I don’t like other therapists- they won’t do it the way I’d do it. And on and on. Needless to say, one day, I got the courage and I put in my ante. Would you believe it? I adore the new therapist. She’s helping so much. I’m getting unstuck.
This tool isn’t just for therapy, though. Want to quit your job but you’re afraid of a few months of unemployment? Lots of people in this position try to line up their next gig while they try to transition out of the old one. Pretty sure The Universe is wise to this ol’ Indian Jones switch-out-the-golden-idol-for-a-bag-of-sand trick. Doesn’t count. You have to sacrifice something of value. You have to bleed a little. Quit the job, face the scarcity, only then the new door opens.
Some lessons are harder for us to learn. Sometimes we have to go a year before we find a new relationship worth taking a risk on. Sometimes we have to give up great opportunities, our pride or our worn out coping strategies in order for the slot to land on triple cherries. Truth is, you don’t need that fun but unnecessary trip, your pride, or even your coping strategies. An ante is something of value, but not something you can’t live without. It cuts, but it’s not fatal.
So how do you know what to ante? Dig deep, you know what it is. What do you not want to face? I didn’t want to get off my high horse about other therapists. I didn’t want to acknowledge that they could see things about my life that I can’t see myself. I felt like admitting that would be to admit I’m a hack. Really it’s just revealing that I’m human. Turns out, perfectionism is a coping strategy I can live without, especially when I’m hurting and I need help. Lesson learned.
If you’re stuck, you’re not in the game. Of course you’re not winning because you’ve got nothing on the line to win. Is it scary? Yes. Do it anyway. Do it scared. Or just sit and watch until you get up the courage to play. We’ve all been there, too. If you need a nudge, I like this one: dream. Allow yourself to imagine a life where you’re unstuck. Plan the logistics. Feel the ease in your chest. And when you’re ready, reach into your pocket, grab a coin, and ante up.
About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling. She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work. Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential. In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience. If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.
