11/19/2022
Been thinking a lot about this lately.
“Should I write that person a letter?” I asked my husband.
“Why?”
“I feel bad that we are estranged. Maybe there was something else I could do.”
“You’ve done all you could,” he said. “They are unsafe. Do you really want to open yourself back up to someone who doesn’t really like you?”
He was right, of course. I used to measure the efficacy of my forgiveness with whether or not reconciliation happened. That made me do all sorts of emotional gymnastics, even apologizing for things I didn’t do just so there’d be “reconciliation.” Except that when I did that, I became more doormat than friend.
There are some irreconcilable relationships—even if you’ve done the hard work of forgiveness. If the other person places 100% of the blame on you, never owns what they said or did, and acted harmfully (consistently) toward you, if they continue to harm others without remorse, if they demonize you, if they relentlessly judge or demean you, it’s simply not wise to enter back in.
Choose to forgive, but in that forgiveness, don’t turn off your discernment or wisdom.
If in doubt, ask a very close friend what you should do. They see the situation more clearly, like my husband did for me.
When you choose forgiveness, you simply open the door for the possibility of reconciliation, but it is never a guarantee.