PacikVaginismus

03/29/2020

VALUES

"The hardest thing on earth is to choose what matters."
~ Sue Monk Kidd

What does it mean to have values? It's one of the most misunderstood concepts, probably since values have usually been forced upon us as children through lecturing and preaching, rather than allowed to be discovered. As children we naturally learn the magic of play, the delights of taste, the warm glow of love, but we are rarely afforded the same opportunity to unearth the sacred vitality of our personal values in an organic manner.

Truthfully, values derive from our being able to assign personal importance to aspects of our life. Knowing our values, in other words, is the art of valuation--the ability to assess the worth of our choices and desires. That's why it's important to live in harmony with our values, because our values are what we actually treasure in life.

If we're not living up to certain values, perhaps they're not really ours to begin with. Or, just as likely, there is conflict within our value system that is paralyzing our ability to qualify experiences. The power we have as adults to establish genuine, personal values provides one of the great joys of life. Let your true values ring throughout life and guide your every action--especially behind closed doors where no one's watching, whether in the secret privacy of your bedroom or of your own value-able heart.



DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• Take a few minutes today and write down any of your values that come to mind. Then ask yourself if these are truly your values and, if so, what you are doing to live up to them.
• Share your values. This makes us feels vulnerable, so it's common for many people to "share their values" chiefly by doling out advice. If you realize that your values are about you and not about anyone else, you can let those you trust know what's authentically important to you.



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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from "Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on
Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.






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12/01/2019

Vaginal dilators made from a pyrex type material can be ordered from https://crystaldelights.com/dilators-22-category
Most women need to dilate to the number 5 or 6 to have pain free in*******se. A full program can be viewed on PacikVaginismus.com

12/01/2019

ATTENTION
"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself."
~ Henry Miller

It's a commonplace saying that "the eyes are the windows to the soul." It turns out that the eyes are also the windows to our nervous system. The center of the nervous system, the brain, loves novelty, so it's no surprise that when we make close eye contact with a lover, we "see" them as if we're seeing them for the first time. Equally interesting, twelve inches is the optimum attachment distance between a mother and the infant she's cradling. Their eye contact at this precise distance creates a novel experience in the brain, stimulating all manner of function and structure through their shared gaze. It is thought that mothers "fall in love" with their babies and, like lovers, the mother and infant dyad basks in the glory of their felt love for one another, cooing, smiling, and touching So both the attachment and s*xual pathways are the same in the brain, but nature saves the activation of the s*xual pathway for the adolescent period.

If you recall your first love, you probably gazed into each other's eyes as you giggled and swooned. Adult relationship require that you risk moving emotionally--not just visually--closer in order to create the novelty the brain needs for s*xual stimulation. Your close attention on your partner's eyes is a way to re-stimulate mutual attraction. Your challenge is to be willing to "see" him or her, and be "seen" by him or her, in new and different ways.

DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• In a comfortable setting, like on your bed or sofa, sit face-to-face with your partner so that you have approximately twelve inches between you. Begin by softly gazing into one another's eyes. Notice your attention. Do you drift away? Is it easy or difficult to hold the gaze? Does it come and go? What do you "see" when you're looking?
• Spend some time talking to each other after you've done this exercise.

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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from
"Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on
Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.

09/20/2019

Many sizes of pyrex type dilators are available on

Pacik Dilator - 3 Set includes sizes #4, #5 and #6

09/20/2019

AGING
"Grow old with me!
The best is yet to be."
~ Robert Browning

As time marches on, the accumulation of our experiences etch themselves on our bodies, minds, and souls. The physical body slowly but surely begins to lose its shape and form, while the wisdom of the soul expands and outshines what once was. How many times have you met an elder, perhaps in another culture, whose eyes radiated grandeur, beauty, and a life well lived that rocked you to your core? The weight of responsibility in life can sometimes feel crushing but, to judge from such elders, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." The process of enduring, learning, and growing ultimately leads to a lightness of being. Often those same elders have a mischievous gleam in their eyes, an almost childlike quality that reflects back to us the look of freedom and peace.

But aging with grace and dignity is no easy feat as our consumer culture consistently bombards us with messages glorifying eternal youth. Youth, however, is a state of mind and heart, grounded in happiness and gratitude and born out of a willingness to embrace our age and celebrate the privilege of growing older. Notice how much more experience you have today than yesterday, and how your changing face and body reflect your wisdom. Embrace all of who you are and let the lightness of your being radiate forth to all those you meet. Take a risk during s*x and make yourself vulnerable by letting your lover see and feel your inner youth and ancient wisdom, and together you'll open to the ageless, timeless souls that you are.


DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• Take an inventory of your entire body starting with your feet and going up to the top of your head. Notice the changes in the shapes, forms, and texture of your skin and hair.
• See the child within when you look into your own eyes. Smile at him or her and know that your essence is timeless.
• Make peace with nature's way, and remind yourself of the wonder and awe of being alive on this day.


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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from
"Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.

04/01/2019

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Treating Vaginismus, Low S*x Drive, Hormone Imbalances | S*xual Health Experts
MAZE WOMEN’S S*XUAL HEALTH
VAGINISMUS FORUM
Welcome to the new home of the Vaginismus Forum, formerly at Vaginismus MD, created by Dr. Peter Pacik. This is a supportive environment for people to discuss concerns and frustrations, share ideas, experiences, and support each other. Join The Forum or Login.
HOW LATE IS TOO LATE?
Forums > Vaginismus Support Group > Vaginismus for the Men > How late is too late?

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
Author
Posts
March 27, 2019 at 12:41 pm #24679
Peacechief
Peacechief
Participant
My wife of 46 years has had secondary vaginismus longer than either of us can remember. We are 68 and in good health generally. She hit menopause in her early 40s and was expressing little interest in “PIV” s*x well before then. She insists it is what it is and that’s fine with her–or would be fine if I weren’t so grumpy about it. We’ve both made efforts to commit to non-pe*******on alternatives, but without very good results. She long said she didn’t care about or***ms but did accept my gift of a nice little vi****or a few months ago and seems to enjoy it sometimes. (Needless to say, that’s a big encouragement for me.) She hasn’t been interested enough to do much research on her own, and I haven’t been content to say we are too old and couldn’t possibly enjoy PIV again. I recently discovered the Maze site and have now read most posts in the men’s section and a few of the women’s. Must I really concede that it’s “use it or lose it” and we lost? Is it too late for us? I welcome your wisdom.

March 28, 2019 at 10:09 am #24690
Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-C
Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-C
Moderator
It is never to late! I have treated patients in that age group, and they have done well. But first and foremost, she has to want to do the treatment. You can go to her with your research and see what she says. Perhaps she has given up because she didn’t know there were treatment options. S*x therapy could also help to get you on the same page. Good luck!

March 30, 2019 at 12:31 am #24731
Peacechief
Peacechief
Participant
Thanks, Cathleen. I understand, and I agree that “first and foremost, she has to want to do the treatment.” Last night I told her about the forum and showed what I had written, along with your reply. In short, no, she does NOT want “treatment,” at least not that she acknowledges. She reacted against the idea that she needs to be “fixed” or “changed,” a topic we’ve gone over many times before. (I’m sure you appreciate the issues of trust, control, power, and so on that we’re dealing with here. When I reported her insistence that “it is what it is,” that’s not only about a physical barrier to in*******se.) Since last night I have read more of what other women have written in their section of the forum, and I’m just hoping my beloved will decide to devote even a little time to reading some of it on her own. I confess to grumpiness, but I’ve learned a lot of patience, too.

March 31, 2019 at 12:41 am #24733
recessivegenequeen
recessivegenequeen
Participant
Peacechief, you are to be commended for the patience and grace you’ve given your wife – those of us who have suffered vaginismus know how hard it can be to deal with the emotions and physical realities of the situation, and it’s especially hard for the men who have to be supportive but don’t have the power to take the problem into their own hands and make a change. You are clearly a good husband to your wife.

I agree with Cathleen – it is truly never too late to make a change in your life, and there are surprises at every turn. She’s also right in that your wife has to want to make the change. It’s not a thing you can go through with halfheartedly. BUT, I hope you won’t be discouraged by your wife’s initial reaction to what you’ve learned. Her initial resistance makes sense after a lifetime of believing she was trapped in this problem and it’s really scary to confront the fact that things could be different someday. It involves taking an emotional risk that requires some strengthening of resolve.

It’s eerie to me how identical my reaction was to your wife’s when my partner confronted me about needing to seek treatment for my vaginismus. I had lived with it for about 10 years and HATED it about myself but also felt like it was tangled up inextricably in who I was. To attack my vaginismus was to attack ME – my ego, my self-worth, my right to be loved. Somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that if someone couldn’t handle this problem then they couldn’t really handle who *I* was, and thus to demand a change in that department was to tell me I wasn’t good enough. I see now that this belief was my fear talking, trying to keep me away from the scary and important work of making my life better.

I deeply resented the man who told me I needed to seek treatment if our relationship was to continue, but in the end I finally picked up the phone and called the Maze Clinic because a good friend reminded me that dealing with my vaginismus was something I had always wanted to do someday, so why not make someday today? I agreed and eventually got the clinic’s botox treatment under anesthesia, and after repeated dilating sessions was able to have in*******se in less than three weeks. Now, two years out, my s*x life is completely normal – anyone meeting me now would have no idea I had ever had any problem with in*******se.

All of this is to say that it will take your wife time to unlearn the way vaginismus has wound itself around her life and her identity, even if she knows that other possibilities exist. The funny thing too about getting treated for vaginsimsus is that you assume the best thing that will happen to you is that you’ll be able to have s*x (Which is true – and great!) But the thing I never expected was how much strength it would give me to draw from in the other parts of my life. Vaginismus can decimate your self-worth and getting through it teaches you so much about your own ability to face fear and come out on the other side. The relief of feeling empowered (and even just feeling normal) makes it worth it. I hope your wife will realize in time that it’s never too late to make your life better. You both deserve that.

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02/18/2019

CONSTANCY
"Above all human existence requires stability, the permanence of things."
~ Georges Bataille

As much as we enjoy new experiences to delight our senses, secretly we all seek constancy--to be constant in our affections, perceptions and intentions. Constancy is not monotony, an endlessly dull routine to be easily dismissed. Is there a more maddening ache than what comes when we abandon our own ambitions? Maybe it's as simple as a broken promise to exercise, or as complex as an alcoholic's broken resolve to refuse an offered drink, the s*x addict's acting out despite deciding to stay put for the night, or the love addict's leaving twenty messages instead of the single one s/he intended. Our inconstancy to ourselves makes us our own worst enemy and creates tremendous inner conflict.

Think of the times you've been betrayed. Now imagine that pain inflicted on yourself by your own hand every time you betray your principles and best interests. A plant needs constant light and water to blossom; so do you need constant care to bloom. It's only through constancy that you learn to love and trust yourself and others.

It's said, the only constant is change. But this truth need not be a fatalistic decree against stability--we can work this adage to our advantage. Whenever we feel down, depressed, and doomed to failure, we can remember when we felt perfectly fine in similar circumstances. At the times we fume over our weight, age, looks, or worth, we would do well to remember that we had the same weight, age, looks, and worth days earlier but recognized them with a positive outlook. We go through--and get through--recurring behaviors and interactions. To cope with our own imperfect constancy in all these endless cycles, we may look beyond our sense of self-betrayal, invoke the faith to affirm our nobler nature, and recommit--constantly--to ever-greater constancy.



DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• Consider whether your actions regularly contradict your aims. Can you stick to a plan, or do you repeatedly rescind your original intentions on a whim? How can you invite constancy into your experience?
• Notice whether those closest to you keep their word. When should you overlook the less-than-reliable promises of loved ones in order to acknowledge their greater virtues? And when would it be better to call them on their fickle behavior, or steer clear of them entirely?


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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from
"Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.






Center for Healthy S*x, Telephone: 310-843-9902, 10700 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 311, Los Angeles, CA 90025
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01/17/2019

DIFFICULTY

"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult."
~ Seneca

It can be difficult dealing with the world, which stymies us with constant, unpredictable obstacles. It can be difficult dealing with inner worlds, too. Our brains, bodies, thoughts, and feelings swirl in a constant flux of neurophysiological and psychological reaction and regulation. Of course, we've outgrown many challenges. If we went back in time with our current abilities intact, how simple it would be to ride that bike, bake that cake, or hit that home run! Yet these and similar activities weren't always easy.

Other difficulties remain challenging forever, such as battling an illness or balancing inner truth with outer circumstance. We must learn the crucial difference between facing difficulties in order to resolve them, and fomenting difficulties out of compulsion, such as seeking conflict in a relationship. S*x and love addicts seek out complications for a thrill. They know that life's normal satisfactions never last long enough, but the rush of unnecessary friction? There's nothing more effective to resurrect the ego and distract from reality.

So how do we face difficulty with grace? It helps with another. Knowing we share problems may not make them any easier, but it makes them bearable. Through sharing our difficulty, we learn to listen and receive--which is what life and love is all about. Through the delicate act of intimacy, we can bear our most indelicate burdens. To heal yourself from perpetual feelings of hopelessness and persecution, let your difficulties be the guiding light to the inner growth you seek. They bring the opportunity to practice acceptance and loving-kindness, to affirm connection and courage, to summon endurance and true purpose. These precious virtues manifest only through effort. All that we know, express, and become springs from great difficulty. Through difficulty, we never stop evolving to greater levels of being.

DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• Recall having to do difficult homework as a child. How did you get through it? We can call on the healthy coping skills we learned growing up. Now remember a personal triumph when you worked your way through a tough task. How can you apply this proven problem-solving process to your daily life?
• Recognize the growth made possible in you through difficulty. How have your hardest, most challenging times changed you for the better?
• Get out of self-pity, blame and resentment. Embrace any difficulties today with positive certainty that they deliver the spiritual transformation you're seeking.


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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from "Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.


Center for Healthy S*x, Telephone: (310) 843-9902, 10700 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 311, Los Angeles, CA 90025
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10/16/2018

Read this important article on "sugar daddies"
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/15/style/sugar-dating-seeking-arrangement.html?action=click&module=Editors%20Picks&pgtype=Homepage

DATING

"I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general."
~ Jason Schwartzman

To succeed in dating, it's essential to identify the common denominator in all your relationships. The first thing that comes to your mind may be the traits you seek in all your candi-dates. But the real common factor is you. All the thrills and stresses of dating reflect our expectations about human connection. From a very young age, we developed specific ideas about relationships. Some of us experienced abandonment; others were smothered. Our experiences shape what we seek, and fear, in a mate. Building a relationship thus requires self-understanding. We must first know ourselves intimately if we hope to connect with another authentically.

Self-understanding also helps us evaluate our dates, letting us process and learn from our feelings when we're together or apart. But when s*x is introduced too early, the neurochemical intensity can distort our awareness, making it hard to distinguish between attraction and compatibility Attraction is that immediate but unmistakable warmth drawing us to someone. Compatibility is discovered as we relate, day to day, in happy harmony with someone. In the long run, relationships flourish more through companionship, trust and honest communication than anything else.

When sizing up a possible partner, if we think too intellectually about who "would be good" for us, or conversely rely too heavily on the chemistry of what "feels good" to us, our perception becomes unbalanced. It's best to judge slowly, deeply, and in detail. Get to know someone in a leisurely way, as though you were reading a wonderful book for the first time. Savor each turn of phrase and page, and trust that the happy ending will unfold if you have faith in the dating process and stay true to your core goals and values.


DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• What qualities do you seek in a date? If you're attracted to just one type--by age, race, or creed--question and write about your exclusivity.
• Write two lists: everything you want in a partner; and everything you don't want. Highlight deal-breakers and deal-makers. Then re-order each list by importance. When dating, ask yourself, "Is this person's trait a deal-breaker? A deal-maker?" Update your lists as you update self-understanding.
• If you regularly bail during the dating period, 12-step slogans "Go until you know" and "Date 'em 'til you hate 'em" remind us to abandon perfectionism and to tolerate the imperfect intimacy of healthy relating.


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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from
"Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.




Center for Healthy S*x, Telephone: (310) 843-9902, 10700 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 311, Los Angeles, CA 90025
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In the fuzzy space between jobs and relationships, there’s a lot that can go wrong.

10/15/2018

DOMINATION
"It only makes sense to seek out and identify structures of authority, hierarchy, and domination in every aspect of life, and to challenge them; unless a justification for them can be given, they are illegitimate, and should be dismantled, to increase the scope of human freedom."
~ Noam Chomsky

S*xual relationships are complex. Humans bring a lot of personal issues into any relationship and, sadly, often play out patterns and projections. So it might be difficult to glimpse where you and your partner are overly controlling or compliant. Much of your relational style results from your experiences growing up. But the mind on which this programming was imprinted--your mind--will always reveal your own psychological makeup: your innate orientation to certain attributes over their polar counterparts (i.e., thinking vs. feeling.) Domination begins within.

Ancient Egyptians believed in the "Weighing of the Heart," where the heart of feeling must be balanced with the feather of intelligence, or the soul is destroyed. Indeed, no one wants to feel dominated by either uncontrolled thoughts or feelings. "Acting out" (whether with food, s*x, drugs, or other deflecting behaviors) results compulsively when one's internal equilibrium has been compromised. Health strives for inner balance and outer reciprocity, also known as co-regulation, which is not a frozen stasis of harmonized equality but a constant recalibration towards mutual intimacy.

Some people use domination s*x play to explore personal boundaries. Such consensual relationships require a "safe word" for when either the "sub" or "dom" feels triggered, so all domination activity ceases immediately. However, all relationships have aspects of control and compliance, and we all have safe words, but not always the prior agreement to halt when someone's in pain--not just physical pain, but the pain of confusion, abandonment, over-thinking... the pain of honesty and empathy. Together we can all develop conscious safe words for such circumstances ("I need space," "Let's talk") so s*xual love may move forward with trust, safety and informed consent.


DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• Do you dominate others? Do you need to one-up them? Or are you dominated and held hostage? Notice your relational attitude today with others and make adjustments where needed. Does this mean you need to assert your personal truth and set a healthy boundary? Or should you apologize for trying to force your way, and practice attentive listening? Find your balance.
• Make an attempt to liberate your own underdog traits and try to compensate by practicing the opposite quality. If you're more of the thinking type, feel your way today, and vice versa.



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Order the Book on Amazon Europe:





All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from "Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.


Center for Healthy S*x, Telephone: (310) 843-9902, 10700 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 311, Los Angeles, CA 90025
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09/19/2018

QUALITY
"Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way... you become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions."
~ Aristotle

When we set sail in our youth, we scan for a multitude of adventures, often deliberately sacrificing quality for quantity. What better way to spend our early years than trying on different personas, visiting faraway places, eating exotic foods, and partying until sunrise? When quantity seems more important than quality, we settle for mediocrity in order to sample the full buffet of life.

But something shifts with time and age. Wisdom seeps into our rough edges and brings life into view through a surprisingly different lens. We begin to crave distinct attributes in our experiences, and judge them by higher standards. Intrigued by our own potential, we start to measure our successes by those we admire and hold ourselves to a new criterion of excellence. When we expect such quality from ourselves, we attract people who also demand quality of themselves.

In time, the excellence of our human contacts becomes a rare and valuable jewel. No longer fickle, we transform our lust for raw energy into a desire to deepen connections with chosen ones. We choose differently, too. Rather than seeking multiple s*xual encounters with numerous people, we settle ourselves down and look for the quality in another that sparks powerful qualities in ourselves. That certain something can have us falling in love because we are choosing to embark on a wisdom path--one in which we forge ourselves through the experiences we have with our partner. And, there's a paradox in our choice. New love is heady and strong, but ripens only with age. Similarly, s*x is like fine wine that becomes deep and bold only over time. The quality of our s*xuality changes through our life because the quality of our connection to our partner grows infinitely more interesting than the quantity of s*x we have in a week.


DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• What standards do you hold yourself to in your life? Are you tolerating anything less than the qualities you desire in yourself?
• What qualities do you love and adore in your partner? Think about any qualities you have difficulty with and share them with a trusted friend. When you've found a compassionate way to talk about them, share your thoughts with your partner.
• Are you going for quantity or quality in your s*x life? Which do you like better, and why?


Stay Connected






All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from
"Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.





Center for Healthy S*x, Telephone: (310) 843-9902, 10700 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 311, Los Angeles, CA 90025
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09/11/2018

BRAIN POWER

"Any man could, if he were so inclined, be the sculptor of his own brain."
~ Santiago Ramón y Cajal

We've all heard the phrase, "Use it or lose it," and it couldn't be more accurate regarding both our brains and our ge****ls. The hypothalamus is one of the major connectors between the brain and the body, motivating us to all kinds of actions, including s*x. For this reason we often refer to the brain as the biggest s*x organ in the body. When we see an image or person that excites our mental s*xual template, signals go through the hypothalamus down to the ge****ls. Well after we've taken in the data seconds, even minutes, pass before the ge****ls are aroused. Exercising discretion about which and how many images we take in and what s*xual situations we enter means we're using our "brain power" rather than being run by our ge***al power. With good brain-power (or impulse control) you can enjoy beauty and sensuality all day long without over-taxing or abusing your brain/body.

While letting endless s*xual images of all types run rampant in our mind can create s*xual problems, depriving ourselves of s*xual energy and attraction can create another kind of s*xual problem. If we don't use our ge****ls, meaning if we don't have healthy, regular s*xual contact for the purpose of pleasure and connection with a lover, it can eventually take longer for us to get aroused by s*x. Remember, your body is your temple, so don't deny yourself pleasure-use it, or lose it.


DAILY HEALTHY S*X ACTS
• Are you overtaxing your brain/body by looking at too many pornographic images or ma********ng compulsively? Are there other ways you let your arousal run you instead of using your brain-power?
• Be honest with yourself by looking at your s*xual habits and assess whether you're out of control with s*xual behaviors.
• Do you deny yourself s*xual pleasure? If so, why? When did that begin? Do you need to share your excuses or fears with someone? Do so today.



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All meditations are copyrighted works excerpted from "Mirror of Intimacy:
Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence"
© 2014 Alexandra Katehakis, Inc.

We invite you to join
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September 10, 2018
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Join us for a
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