Jessica Chevrier - Marriage/Family Therapist

02/14/2022

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! 💕

Thank you doing the 30 Day Countdown with me! We made it! 😍

Think about what your key take-aways were. Did you learn something new or remember something important? What do you want to do differently? How can you be more intentional about the loving in your life? ❤️

However you celebrate today, I hope it is filled with love and tenderness for you ❤️

02/13/2022

1 DAY UNTIL VALENTINE'S 😍

Day #30 of our Love Day Countdown - it's the little things!

Valentine's Eve, here we are! My hope is that these 30 days have provided a chance to look at things in new ways and deepen your relationships. I love to hear couples share about how they stayed up and talked about a topic for hours or how they are trying this or that differently in their relationship. That's wonderful! Keep it going!

I hope this is an opportunity for fun for you. Paraphrasing Sue Johnson, we WILL step on each other's toes as we're dancing together, but if we can laugh and have some grace for each other we can come back together and have a good time too.

Keep a mind towards the little things. It's the little ways of consistently turning towards each other that can make a big difference. Real love and passion aren't in the crazy Hollywood drama. It's in the tender moments of living and loving. It's the brave moments of saying sorry and trying again.

So go get your six-second kisses! Go out greet the dog! Plan your dates! Laugh it up and love deeply. Don't let your attention on your relationship come into focus just on Valentine's or another random holiday.

If this 30 Day Countdown brought out things that were hard to look at, that's okay! None of us has it down perfectly. If you want extra help, you can get it and that's okay. Find good books like "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. Or grab a great therapist trained specifically in working with couples. You deserve love at its best ❤️

02/12/2022

2 DAYS UNTIL VALENTINE'S 😍

Day #29 of our Love Day Countdown black and white thinking - it's a trap!

Black and white thinking. Ohhh black and white thinking, where do I start with you? In your moral high castle you think you are so helpful, but let me lay it on you B&W, you have caused more strains than solutions.

For one, B&W (can I call you that?) you're not as solid and defined as you think you are. People tend to use you to over-simplify things or as a power play, making their preferred option look like the only reasonable solution compared to a stark unacceptable one.

You tend to be the product of built-up anxiety in the moment, and anxiety can lie to us and make us think action has to be taken NOW and these are the ONLY options. But BDubs, there's a better way. When people can step back from the anxiety of the moment, self-soothe, and focus on collaboration, they can find a ton of other ways/ideas. You, tricky magician you, are good at hiding these by distracting with tension (and diminished frontal lobe access due to fight/flight activation). 🪄

Compromise and collaboration are better relational companions than you are BWhezzy, as lovely as your stark comparisons can make you look. You can become a seductive bad habit and trick people into thinking you're part of them. But you're not. You're like the ci******es of mind bugs. When people think critically and empathically, we can kick you to the curb.

You hate when people ask themselves "what am I missing" "what could I be wrong about" "why is this so important to me/them" "what does middle ground look like". It's harder work to live with internal honesty like that, but BWs I trust people can do it.

Black and white thinking, you have made more enemies than allies, I think it's time for you to go. 👋

02/11/2022

3 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #28 of our Love Day Countdown is MAKE👏MARRIAGE👏A👏PRIORITY👏.

A few years ago my parents and I booked a flight together to a wedding while my husband stayed with the kids. When we went to take our seats my mom told me to sit in the middle. "We have to take care of you" she teased. I poked back "Or are you using me to not sit next to dad?" We had a good laugh and a fun flight.

Frequently though couples do put the kids between them (intentionally or not) in order to avoid or temporarily alleviate anxiety in the relationship. This is called triangulation (three parties, a triangle, get it?). Triangles are great shapes in engineering, but they are dangerous in relationships!

Some may feel selfish taking time away from kids to focus on their relationship, but it's one of the best things you can do for your kids. Kids can sense the tension and anxiety in their parents, and this in turn gives them their own anxiety. Or they turn into little dictators running the show.

These couples are at the forefront of the "gray divorce" trend, where empty nesters have started divorcing in larger numbers. Many diverted their attention to the kids. Then when the kids leave they realized that parenting was the only glue keeping them together.

Whether you're in the more experienced years of marriage or newlyweds, commit to making your relationship the highest priority. If you want it to last, you've got to invest the time and work. Don't let anything, even the kiddos, become more important. Your strong relationship is a gift to your children.

02/10/2022

02/10/2022

4 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #27 of our Love Day Countdown is about trust.

Solid relationships are built on a foundation of friendship, commitment, and trust. Each of these elements are essential to take your relationship to a deeper level of meaning and intimacy. We've touched on friendship and commitment, so let's focus on trust.

Trust is not absolute. Trust between you both one day is not guaranteed in ten years. We may enter our relationship in an optimistic place of trust, but from then on trust is either growing or diminishing. When you assume that trust will stay consistent in your relationship without effort, you are in a fantasy.

Of course, there's always nuance to these grand important topics. Things can happen that destroy trust in our relationship and we're left trying to rebuild a house with the front torn off. It's possible but it's hard. To rebuild trust takes active engagement from BOTH parties. Either in rebuilding trust, or leaning into giving trust.

Too often couples will assume that the offender must hustle for trustworthiness while the other sets the bar for worthiness. Unfortunately this dynamic creates a power struggle where one party can resent the other for feeling like they will never be good enough, and the other relives the trauma that destroyed trust. Each grows in their resentment towards the other. This dynamic ignores underlying issues that may have put the relationship in a vulnerable place to begin with. And we can't truly love a partner we don't feel equal to.

How do we do it? It can take the help of a professional to process the relational or individual trauma that makes trust hard to access. You may not realize that your behaviors are not helping cultivate trust. Ultimately it takes time, effort, and intentionality. Some couples report finding a deeper closeness and a healthier relationship than even prior to their injury. While painful, trust-building and forgiveness can be an opportunity to create something better.

02/09/2022

5 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #26 of our Love Day Countdown is about philematology!

Kissing is one of those things that is so exciting in the beginning, and then can gather some "relational dust" (if you will) as our relationships go on. 😢 How sad! Do you remember the tension, excitement, and anticipation of your first kiss with your partner? Do you remember the last time you had a long kiss with your love?

Did you know the study of kissing is philematology? There are a lot of benefits to kissing. Regular kissing in committed relationships has been found to aid in stress reduction, greater relationship satisfaction, and even lower cholesterol levels when compared to a non-kissing control group. Kisses lasting longer than a few seconds trigger the body to release oxytocin and dopamine, the bonding and pleasure hormones. All good things! 💋

When was the last time you and your partner had a good long kiss? Snog fest? Make out sesh? 😉 One professor, at my graduation ceremony, declared that when he comes home from work he and wife make out for fifteen minutes, and the kids KNOW to leave them alone 🤣. Open mouth kissing has its own host of research and exciting couple benefits👍

I hope you commit to being a philematologist and make your own discoveries in your relationship. Do it for science! 🤣 And for fun 😍

02/08/2022

6 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #25 of our Love Day Countdown is assume the best of each other.

I think this is a really important one, especially when trying to build back a relationship after dealing with difficulties. We can feel like we're teetering on a tightwire, trying to balance building trust and not getting hurt again. Sometimes the risk can feel unbearable.

In those hard spaces where both are working dilligently to change their dance together, assuming the best can help us have new positive interactions. We can have a tape that plays in our head of what we think is going on. And when that track has played for so long, it can prevent us from seeing change or seeing reality.

Taking the leap to assume the best of an ambiguous situation gives our loved one the space to change and do things differently, without our assumptions coloring things for the worst. It's a step towards building trust that says "I love you enough to try this differently."

This assumes that both parties are trying to work dilligently on the relationship. In instances where one party is not emotionally present, boundaries are necessary to be able to protect self while simultaneously extending compassion. This is not selfish, in fact, this allows us to love them and ourselves more genuinely.

02/07/2022

7 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #24 of our Love Day Countdown is make sure you're rooting for the right team.

One of my favorite first sessions comes to mind. A pair of empty nesters described to me their long standing dilemma. In conclusion they stated "We have decided that you will tell us who is right and the other will agree to comply." I smiled "It sounds like you want a judge." "Yes" they agreed.

It was a very rational, logical approach. One of us is wrong and one is right, let's get a third party to decide, and we move on. Black and white. But is it ever so simple?

Me vs you thinking yields no winners. When we start thinking this way, we focus only on looking at how we are right and they are wrong. Curiosity, empathy, and accountability are among the first casualties in what can turn into a war.

What if I played Judge Judy? What if I said "alright, Party A is in the right. Party B, you must change your ways." 👩‍⚖️ Resentment will become the new house guest in that relationship, if they weren't there already. Party A because they'll doubt the sincerity of B, and B because they feel steamrolled. Neither feels their needs were heard, and the real problem hasn't been attended to.

Make the problem your joint adversary. Team up together, rather than apart. This little shift in the roster can make for a whole new ball game. What can WE do differently plays much better than "You're doing this wrong."

Go team! 📣

02/06/2022

8 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #23 of our Love Day Countdown is about the relational bank account.

With out last baby we had a lot of false labor visits to the ER (that was FUN). One of the sweet nurses there asked how many times I've been pregnant. For those at home keeping track this is #5. That piqued her curiosity and we got to talking more, for some reason our relationship was where she had so many questions. She wanted to know how we made it work. She said we gave her hope for marriage.

I laugh because we're still babies at the marriage thing in a lot of ways. But I'll tell you what I told her. Intimacy and the quality of your relationship is not static. It will wax and wane through your life, and that's okay. Life will throw curve balls (like, say a surprise pregnancy *cough cough cough*) but if you are maintaining your relationship bank account, your relationship can weather the bigger withdraws that life can take out.

Every negative interaction you have together can take five positive interactions to compensate for, according to the Gottman Institute. That doesn't mean there's not room for negativity, on the contrary, marriage needs that for growth. But if negativity is equal to or overwhelms the positive, you're living your relationship paycheck to paycheck. That's a bad idea.

Agressively invest in consistent time together. We emphasized to her how weekly dates are non-negotiable for us. Make your relationship a priority over all other relationships. Tend to issues when they are young, and be brave enough to tackle bigger issues together. Find hundreds of ways, big and small, to keep turning towards each other. ❤️

02/05/2022

9 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #22 of our Love Day Countdown is about the lonliest dance we can do.

There’s a pretty common pattern that likes to creep in with couples. We have a lot of names for it. Demand/withdraw. Pursuer/Distancer Reciprocity. Overfunctioning/underfunctioning. It’s a classic vicious cycle. It is like dancing with a ten-foot pole between you. As soon as one steps forward, the other jumps back at the exact same time. Even though two people are going at it in seemingly opposite ways, the roots when we really boil it down are the same: I am terrified. I am terrified I can’t find safety with you.

This can turn into what therapist Sue Johnson calls an attachment panic. “I can’t find you, I’m scared, where did you go?” In the distancer, the pursuer’s advances look scary and not like the safe space they know. And in the pursuer, the distancer’s stepping away feels like abandonment. This pattern can spin into a bigger storm, incorporating other hurts and pains. However, it morphs, the ultimate feeling they are both left with is “I am so alone here. I can’t find you.”

How do we break up this pattern, this dance that we can get into? This is one of the places that takes vulnerability and courage. Notice which part of the pattern resonates with you. Do you tend to pursue, or do you tend to run? Speak to each other about that tendency. When you notice your attachment panic taking place, challenge yourself to do the opposite (which feels like the most terrifying thing sometimes!) If you pursue, give yourself permission to step back and self-soothe. If you withdraw, lean into engaging and share those fears with your spouse. It takes both parties being intentional about changing up the pattern. Maybe you have a code word or phrase “I’m doing this differently.” If you notice it creeping in, nip it in the bud. Maybe it needs professional help to help you change it up. Don't let it be your dance together.

02/04/2022

10 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #21 of our Love Day Countdown is about laughing together!

I don’t remember what we were watching, probably one of those superhero movies, but I asked Adam what my superpower would be. He didn’t miss a beat and he said my power would be “to overwhelm people with my dorkiness.” 🙈😬 I am pretty dorky and something I’ve loved in our marriage is that I can be my completely dorky self and it’s something loved and cherished. One of my favorite things Adam tells me is how I make him laugh more than anyone he’s ever known. He’s pretty clever too, so I’m blessed to have many tender memories of laughing together.

Laughter is an interesting phenomenon. There’s such a stark difference between sincere laughter and forced laughter. It says a lot about someone's comfort with the people in the room. Real laughter takes a degree of safety. When we are just rolling in the laughs, we are really vulnerable. We let go of control in the moment. The act of laughing itself is a mess! The whole body gets into it, our breathing is unregulated, some of us snort, tear up, our heart rate is elevated. It triggers the fight or flight response, yet nearly an hour later our body is physiologically well below the baseline of where it was prior to the laugh. The very opposite of a traumatized response. Laughter is a symphony; the body makes the music and its own dance. It’s really beautiful.

I watch for how couples laugh together, especially when I first meet them. When they laugh together, I have a lot of hope for the process. Research does support that couples who can remember laughing together seem to have greater relationship satisfaction.

When was the last time you laughed together? You don’t necessarily have to be funny, I think it’s more about openness and vulnerability. Leaning into letting go of cool and controlled as Brené Brown would say. Letting yourself be seen laughing. There’s an intimacy that comes from that sort of shared experience and in a way it’s a personal disclosure and it’s letting others impact and influence you. All of these things are important for deeper intimacy in relationships.

02/03/2022

11 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #20 of our Love Day Countdown is WE👏ARE👏FROM👏THE👏SAME👏PLANET👏

Soapbox time 📣 This whole line of talk, about how we are sOoOo different is harmful! Mind you, there are gender differences, but their impact on relationships tends to be overstated. In the worst case this argument excuses and diminishes accountability for inappropriate and unhealthy behavior.

Wanna know how this hurts couples? It is perpetuating the stereotypes that split us apart. The bumbling idiot husband trope, the “overly” emotional wife. If a man speaks his feelings, then he’s effeminate. If a woman takes up space and speaks her mind, well we have a special word for that woman, don’t we? (and it’s not a B for brave…) If a man “lets” his woman be a leader it’s met with “where’s your man card?” or “he’s whipped.”

And when these couples are in crisis? He’s crying when he’s in the shower because he DARE NOT do that in front of anyone else. She’s invisible or ignored because she’s either “too loud” or just being emotional again. He will never be allowed to fall off his white horse, and she is seen as a needy nag. We would happily medicate their depression and anxiety into numbness rather than lean into the reality that they have real feelings and needs. Don’t mistake me, medication is important when used appropriately, but even then, medication cannot serve as someone’s only emotional care.

Differences are real, like how men’s nervous system escalates quicker in conflict, but our needs for connection and belonging are universal. Our need to feel safe, accepted, and loved. What if we focused on those things? Sometimes it breaks my heart when couples finally break through that space and realize that they both felt and experienced so many of the same things. They had been taught they had to act like different creatures or treat the other like they were from another planet.

Feeling alone in what should be the most important relationship in your world is one of the worst experiences we can have. Let’s stop pushing language that encourages that division and isolation.

02/03/2022

12 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #19 of our Love Day Countdown is sorting out the feelings.

In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry and Ron are discussing girl troubles, when Hermonie pipes in with the whole range of emotions that likely painted the situation. Ron, stunned, says "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." To which Hermonie retorts "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."

The reality is that we all have a wide emotional range, we just may not feel like we are allowed to express or experience those emotions. I ask all my emotionally reserved client (especially my male clients) when are they allowed to cry. Usually, they say never and some will say only in testimony meetings. Does that mean they experience less sadness? No, they channel it in other "accepted" feelings, like anger, or it bleeds over into the body (sleep struggles, digestive issues, etc.) or behaviors (addiction, workaholism, always staying busy, dumping emotions in inappropriate relationships).

Emotions boils down to six primary feelings: happy, angry, sad, scared, surprised, and shame. Other emotions you can think of break down to combinations of these six. BTW, anger never shows up alone. Anger is referred to as a secondary emotion. It is always prefaced by sadness, fear, surprise, or shame. Sometimes we feel anger so quickly we don't even realize we're feeling the other things.

Try speaking from your primary emotions more. Doing this can slow things down enough that we can understand and communicate to others what it is we're experiencing. This helps us learn about what's really going on, not just the top-level we think is the problem. At this deeper level we can speak to the real fears and pain that fuel the conflict.

It's hard but be brave and get vulnerable ❤️

02/01/2022

13 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #18 of our Love Day Countdown is about letting go of our need to control others.

Goodness, where to start? I see this one eVeRyWhErE. Couples, parents, work enviornments, Church callings... many of us will try to control others before we stop and try to control what is actually in our power to control. There's a lot of nuance here (as with most things).

When I think of relationships or moments that made me the most angry and resentful, my expectations and efforts to force those expectations on the situation played a big role in the difficulty. Anger is almost always the result of an unmet expectation.

So how do you "get" people to do things? Well... you don't. You can ask, you can communicate your thoughts and feelings, if you have a position of power you can talk about appropriate consequences. Anything puntivive or forceful though will increase the resentment you BOTH feel towards each other and diminish your desire to understand each other. "Gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned..." (Ring a bell for anyone? 😉)

So much of life is about balance, and in this case there is a balance between taking action on what you can change and accepting so much of what you can't. Clients can come in with a laundry list about their spouse, their mother, their boss, their neighbor, etc. And the question I ask is the same: "what are YOU going to do about it?" Do you need to speak up? Establish a boundary? Manage your expectations? Communicate your feelings/expectations? Care for your burnout? Tell someone "no" (*gasp*)?

Resentment is a lot to carry, and it can morph into contempt (which is LETHAL to relationships). Our agency to choose is special, and when we feel someone stepping or limiting that, we can get pretty riled up. Shift your focus from "what needs to be done" to what is the quality of your relationship. When people feel loved and heard they tend to show up. And if they don't show up, explore what boundaries need to be in place so the relationship is tolerable or if it needs to even continue. Give people permission to have their own messes, consequences, and identity. We love deeper when we aren't focused on control.

01/31/2022

14 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #17 of our Love Day Countdown is about repair attempts.

A phrase we use that Adam came up with, is "Can we start over?" We treat it like a "take two" 🎬 and start the scene over. Sometimes we even say "let's have a take two." When we first did this I thought "um no, I am not done with laying it on you, ya jerk!" But I've learned it's not my job to punish. And focusing on that has moved me further away from my goals of togetherness than leaning into trying again.

Repair attempts are "moves," if you will, that can be small and powerful. They come in lots of different ways, and they are bids for connection that exist in tough moments. How frequently they are made and received speaks to a couple's atmosphere a lot. The more a couple makes and receives repair attempts, the more collaborative the relationship. The assumption between them is "us in this together." In relationships where repair attempts are far and few between the assumption can feel more like "being right is more important than being close". Ouch 😢

It takes great courage and vulnerability by both parties to make or receive a repair attempt. Sometimes we hesitate to make or receive them because we want the other to "stew in it" a little longer. Our role as the spouse is not to be a punisher. What a hard role to have to hold with someone we love.

The more someone feels loved and accepted, the less need we have to make them "FEEL IT". We can't make anyone do anything. The more we try the more resentful we all become and the less empathy there actually is. Accountability and confrontation can only be successful where someone feels safe and accepted. Anything other feels like a cruel attack from an enemy.

Coldshouldering and stonewalling in a conversation may feel productive, or at least help you feel like they're gonna FEEL it, but ultimately it just creates a lot of harmful anxiety and tension. Try instead a time out where you articulate your need to take a little time (mind you without asking for that by bashing the other) and have a plan for coming back.

Remember, it's us vs the problem, not you vs me. ❤️

01/30/2022

15 Days until Valentine's 😍

Day #16 of our Love Day Countdown is about the MOST important factor to relationship success - commitment!

After many many months of working together, a couple disclosed that one partner had been threatening to leave again, which was a violation of our rules. The individual tried to minimize the behavior and said "Oh but I never REALLY mean it." I pointed out this was MUCH worse. "You're essentially pointing a gun at them, knowing it's not loaded, but knowing they think it is! Just to see them scared. That's manipuation."

My first rule with couples is that if they want to work with me, they have to suspend divorce talk. Not saying they have to stay together, but divorce talk while doing couple's work is like drinking poison while you're in the ICU. Bad idea if you want to ever get out of the ICU.

There has to be a degree of commitment for there to be a flicker of hope that it's going to work out. I frequently say I would take a committed couple with poor skills over a skilled couple with no commitment. Any day. You can teach people better communication skills, but you can't make them commit. I can't transplant it, download it, or copy/paste it. They have to want it.

It's still hard work to make a marriage last, but it is much harder if there is not a mutual commitment. It's not just saying "Yeah I'm in it to win it" - you have to DO commitment. You have to be willing to look at the hard things, lean into the hard talks, and show up! Real commitment to the relationship says "This thing between us is more important than me, my pride, and being right. It's more important than being comfortable where I am." Mutual commitment is the fire that fuels all other pro-relational actions, from big to small.

I have always been humbled at what miracles of change can happen when a couple comes in truly committed to each other. There are absolutely times where divorce is necessary, usually when one party refuses to change. But the presenting issue, be it addiction, an affair, or whatever else, isn't the deal breaker. It's the commitment.

01/29/2022

16 days until Valentine's 😍

Day #15 of our Love Day Countdown is do you play the "I like that?" or the "I don't like that!" game?

In one of my classes the professor had us do an experiment. He had two people go out of the room while the class decided on a particular action they wanted the students to do. The first student came in and the only feedback they got from the class was the class saying "I like that!" They laughed, had fun, and quickly the student did what they wanted (played a key on the piano).

I was the second volunteer. I hadn't seen the first task, but it sounded fun. I anticipated a good time. When I came in, the room was silent. I was encouraged by the professor to figure out what to do, but the only feedback I recieved was "I don't like that!" The closer and closer I got to the piano, the louder the class got. "I DON'T LIKE THAT!" I ended up right next to the piano key, huddled down in a ball, feeling paralyzed. The behavior was never accomplished and the professor had to end the experiement.

The class didn't realize that what seemed like specific feedback to guide me to the task I was SO close to felt like an onslaught of hostility. Every correct turn I made was met with silent observation, and every wrong turn was met with an uproar. I could tell they were frustrated, but I didn't know what to do!

We debriefed and the points he made have resonated with me for a long long time. When people are met with "I like that" they can be curious and creative, and they happily figure out what we want right away. They can trust you are invested in them as a person. When we play the "I don't like that" game, people will generally do one of two things: be paralyzed by the anxiety of disappointing you or do whatever they want. They can't make you happy anyways. Any commentary feels like an attack from an enemy.

What game do you play with those you love? Do you catch them doing well, or focus on when they're doing it wrong? Are they fearful of your feedback or are those opportunities for correction also moments of bonding?

Notice what "game" you play with others, and be brave enough to try new things if you are concerned about what you discover.