12/08/2025
This was 6 years ago… a day after my girl tried to take her own life after battling brain cancer for 2 years… because she didn’t want to be a burden - I would never hear her sweet voice again due to multiple intubations and extubations… she would never fully recover from this and I lost her less than a month later - for forever… it’s the realest thing anyone - you or me - can deal with. And I am still dealing with some of the most insignificant things that don’t even touch this part of ‘life’ - all I really want to say is…. Is what’s upsetting you right now really that important? Can you survive it? Is it just inconvenient or disappointing? The scale of suffering is eternal in all directions - and my intention isn’t to belittle anyone’s current struggles. Just posing some perspective. I hope all your current stress is temporary and will pass with much more ease than it seems in the moment. Love and hugs ❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟
Added:
For those who did not see me original post opening up about these days I will post here and add the photos that help paint the story…::
I lied. Well, I wasn’t fully transparent. I didn’t know how to be. I think I was in shock. So many times, I had contemplated Kira’s sickness and wellness. But never under these circumstances….well, not “never”, but never really. The morning that Kira became unresponsive was indeed medication related. That part was true. But I knew more than I shared. So, I will share now…. 4 years later… the events of the scariest and most traumatic day of my life (so far).
We woke up that morning. Evan was here (as he usually was). I was working early and already getting sucked into my day. Kira sent me a text message (from her room). It went like this:
8:15am – WENDY: I am not feeling well this morning. I am going to go to the gym at 9 and see if I can work it off. You should take your Ritalin now and then at 12/12:30.
8:16am - KIRA: OK
8:20am – KIRA: Took a Ritalin
9:18am – KIRA: Are you going to da gym 🙂. Work out extra hard for me.
9:18am – WENDY: Maybe. I’m getting slammed at work
9:20am – KIRA: Take work off 🙂 didn’t you say you needed this
9:20am – WENDY – Yes. What are you up to> Do you need me to leave? You can just say so you know. 😊
9:22am – KIRA: I just want you to do something good for yourself
9:22am – WENDY: OK. I’ll go. Thanks baby.
9:23am – KIRA: Good (two heart emojies)
9:23am – KIRA: Work out hard for me.
9:23am – WENDY: Ok baby
So, I got dressed and checked in on her and Evan. They seemed fine. I did my normal mommy freakout routine that I did before I left her any time… make sure she had her meds, I would ration them out so I could help her remember since there were so many, fill her water, ask her if she were hungry, see if she needed help to go to the bathroom, etc., asked if she and Evan were OK probably a thousand times until they both got annoyed with me…. And I left for the gym which is right up the street. I wasn’t feeling well… not sick, just emotionally and mentally exhausted. Working out does help. And as much as I was trying to talk myself out of it, I knew it was probably a good thing.
I was on the stairmaster for about 30 minutes and Evan called. Why is Evan calling? I immediately answer all sweaty and out of breath and he is panicked. He’s speaking really fast about Kira acting really weird and seemed really tired and had white stuff all over her. he was making breakfast and that she had asked him to get her meds out of my room and that he had only left her for like 5 minutes to make her breakfast… he was crying and panicking…. I jumped off the stairmaster, ran to my car, and drove so fast and panicked and recklessly to get back home. I sped through red lights, drove down middle turn lanes, illegally passing other cars, screeched into my parking lot and jumped out of my car (didn’t shut the door or even turn it off)….ran up the 3 flights of stairs to my condo, burst in the door to find Evan in a complete panic, crying and talking and trying to understand what was happening…. Momma bear was in full gear… I shoved passed him, found my girl almost completely unresponsive… I shook her. I yelled at her, “KIRA!!!! WAKE UP!” and she was just limp. I told Evan to call 911… he was fumbling around, still couldn’t pull himself together. I grabbed him and yelled at him (the first and only time that has ever happened) and said CALL 911!!!! He did, and I was on the phone with the emergency line and they were asking if she was breathing, I couldn’t tell. They walked me through how to tell, lean her head back, put your ear to her mouth and listen. See if her chest was moving. She started walking me through CPR…. Which I had never done before. I had seen it done, but it is much different when your head is spinning, and you’re crying and panicked and desperate and it’s your baby girl and you’re freaking the f**k out.
I sent Evan outside to find the paramedics and lead them here. I live in a maze of a complex. A few minutes later, they barreled in and took over…. I was in total shock. What happened? Why had she wanted more meds? Did she take the wrong ones? Most of the rest of what I wrote about over the next couple of days was accurate… but one thing I left out was this… As we were in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, Evan messaged me and said there was a note… A NOTE??? My brain exploded. I went into shock all over again in the front seat of that ambulance. I asked what it said… He texted it to me. I could barely read it through my tears. But I thought, they need to know this was intentional. I wanted the medics to know what they were dealing with so that they could save her. I didn’t realize the implications this would have – but I’ll get to that in a minute…. I told the driver, I have reason to believe this was intentional. AND, she has a very serious brain tumor. Everything shifted.
The note said this:
Everyone: - I am sorry I’ve let you all down. I love you all. I just want to sleep. I’m only thinking about myself in this, honestly, this is so selfish and I know it is… but I’m in pain and miserable and I need it to end…make my funeral fun/funny. Evan – I’m so sorry you had to find me like this. I’m so so sorry and I will never ever be sorry enough babies. I can’t write this out…without changing my mind and deciding to stay with you, in your arms, forever… but, baby, I hope you understand. I was in pain and now I’m not, thinking of sleeping forever makes me happy…and I know I have hurt you tremendously….and I am so sorry, but you have your sister, and parents, and puppies… I was in pain and struggling, please understand… find a nice girl, one that can walk lol and continue to live, with me, I am always always going to be right here for you. I’m just in so much pain and so uncomfortable. I really hope you understand.
When we got to the hospital, she was rushed in… they cut her shirt off of her to place monitors all over her chest and stomach and even though I knew they had to, my instinct was “cover her up”, “she’s a teenage girl” “have some respect” my stomach was sick. I was scared, I was protective, I was embarrassed on her behalf through this process….she’s very conservative. Robert met me in the room where they had her. A person coded next to us and did not make it. I really cant explain what was going on in my head. Total shock, I’m sure. I was freezing again. I had been working out and sweating and was still in my gym clothes….Robert gave me his jacket. I don’t remember when I ever finally took a shower.
What I posted over the next couple of days happened with the exception of not knowing exactly what caused it all. I couldn’t share that the reason she was strapped to the bed was not only because she was intubated and they didn’t want her to pull the tubes out if/when she became conscious, but that she was also a su***de risk. I didn’t share that it wasn’t good enough for Robert and me to be in there to watch her to make sure she didn’t do anything – but they had to have a professional sit in the room with us because suicidal people are more likely to manipulate the people who care about them the most. How could I share that? How could I process that? How could my baby girl fight so hard and finally give up. I know how…. But I couldn’t process it. How could I let all of you down? I was processing and afraid… and she didn’t wake up right away. We were in the hospital for a week. She was unconscious for half that time.
Very few people know this story. I am sure some people came to this conclusion on some level. I have moved from feeling protective about this particular trauma to feeling like it is important to know just how devastating this disease is and how much these kids endure – not just physically, but emotionally. Kira was a beast. But she was a human teenage girl beast. I share this with you now because I believe, even as hard as it is to process, it is an important part of our story. Kira never really recovered from this, but she did come home and we did a hard reset on what we were going to try for her treatment. You have probably seen the video of me dragging her out of the bathtub and leaving her on the floor the night we got her home from that weeklong hospital stay or of Evan walking with her with the walker around the room. She told me the night we got home from the hospital – once she was showered and cleaned up and fed and in bed with me that she was sorry and that she was glad she didn’t die. My heart was so incredibly broken with the thought that she was hurting that bad and that it was so bad that she wanted it to end. Knowing your child is dealing with this in their own heads – even if they are surrounded by people who love them constantly – that they could feel so alone. She made some strides after that, participated in PT and speech therapy and eating and drinking therapy. She had a renewed passion toward her recovery. And she would live 22 more days. Fighting. And laughing. And loving and being loved. She had a moment of ultimate despair – and I don’t think anyone could blame her and maybe many of us would have chosen to end things for ourselves way earlier in the journey. This experience bonded Evan and me in an unspeakable way also. We were simultaneously the most panicked and scared than either of us had ever been. You don’t go through something like that with another person and it not change you.
I have always used this platform to be transparent and share the days of this journey up to and since my sweet girl’s passing. This is the one thing that I ever felt like I needed to hold back on. But I believe it is time. Because it might help someone. It might help a kid going through this. It might help families with children going through similar journeys. And I believe with all my heart, that Kira would approve.
This is a long post. I haven’t done that in a while. But this day haunts me as much as December 25th – if not more. Thank you always for loving Kira and our family.
