Heart 2 Mind Therapy

05/09/2023

Sometimes we see constant interrupting, whining, baby talk, the continual “look at me”, and the doing things intentionally to get you to notice then (even when it’s by yelling or reprimanding), as behaviors that just need to be corrected.

However, these behaviors are actually your child’s way of saying:

“Hey notice me”

“Come play with me”

“I want your attention”

The behaviors are your child’s way of seeking your attention. You reprimanding the behaviors without, without validating the need and fixing the root, will only increase the behaviors more and more.

Why you ask? Well, the human brain has learned how to recognize patterns in responses, whether good or bad, as reinforcement of their behavior.

So what does this mean? If your child’s intention of using behavior is to gain your attention, and every time they misbehave, you stop everything to yell at them, discipline, reprimand or redirect them… then their goal has been achieved. You stopped everything, to pay attention to them, and ultimately their goal was accomplished.

Their brains don’t tell them that negative attention versus positive attention is any different. Attention is attention.

Next time, try acknowledging your child’s want for attention, designate specific time for them, and then teach them the appropriate way to ask for your attention versus using behaviors.

05/07/2023

So much stigma around the word and all we do as humans to aspire to achieve perfection.

The truth is, perfection is impossible to achieve. Hard work, grit, determination, motivation, drive and consistency are all key elemental factors that help people strive to get pretty close to perfection… but still never quite there.

In parenting, achieving perfection is impossible. No one can ever, or will ever be the perfect parent no matter how much they try; because in the process of trying, we will fail a million times over.

We are human. We will err. We will have bad days and struggle. We will have challenges.

But none of this makes us bad parents ultimately. It makes us better. The more times we fall down, but get right back up for the humans we are raising, the closer to being a perfect parent we get to because your child will see that failing is actually learning how to succeed.

The next time you’re beating yourself up for failing short on perfection, go create a memory or a bond with your child to replace that thought, and actually plant the seeds you want to grow!

05/06/2023

As humans, we innately struggle with admitting we are wrong. We deflect, mask, project and avoid our wrongs for fear of embarrassment, guilt, shame, or frustration.

Being wrong makes us feel broken within ourselves, and as a result we neglect to admit our shortcomings and apologize to those we hurt. This struggle to apologize creates emotional scars within others and ourselves, that can ultimately create emotional barriers and lack of safety within close relationships.

However, children do not know the importance of apologizing until it is modeled to them.

Children cannot understand the need for repair in a relationship, unless they’re allowed to seek repair and receive it within their primary relationships.

Children cannot learn to be sympathetic or remorseful, if they are never modeled that same behavior directly to them and their feelings.

Children model life based on what they see and experience, way more than what is actually said to them.

Apologizing to someone you love no matter who they are, child or adult, allows you to assume responsibility for your words and actions, repair the wrongs made, and build a sense of trust and security that relationship.

Apologizing to your child teaches them that apologizing not only is ok - but more so necessary to thrive emotionally within meaningful relationships.

05/05/2023

Sometimes when our kids have super strong or big feelings, their behaviors tend to match those emotions. This is because finding the words to accurately express how they feel is way more challenging then engaging in the behavior.

When kids use behaviors to communicate their emotions, it’s important to accurately validate that they aren’t happy. Help them begin to identify what it is that they’re feeling, by labeling what you see or providing emotions that could match their behaviors.

For example:

“You look so mad right now.”

“You don’t seem happy because I see you screaming and crying.”

“Are you having a hard time telling me how you’re feeling right now?”

“Your body looks really upset right now, how does it feel?”

“It is ok to feel mad or sad. Do you want to try and talk about it?”

By providing these basic cues and supports, you’re helping your child make the connections between their feelings and the words necessary to accurately express their feelings. This ultimately will help replace using behaviors to communicate their feelings with words.

Allow them the ability to have the feelings. Allow them to be big or feel big. Just help model appropriate communication so they learn what to do.

05/05/2023

As much as we say we don’t want to be anything like our parents, truth of the matter is: we either are exactly like them or nothing like them.

We try to navigate our entire life since we launch from home, becoming our own people and discovering who we really are. Many times in this process, we see how different we are from our parents, and how much growth we’ve done from our youth to age of maturity; or we tend to feel just like our parents, mirroring same behaviors, mannerisms and patterns as we recall from our childhood.

Trauma dictates how our journey goes and changes. Emotional disconnect dictates how we love or cannot love. Attentiveness dictates how present and regulated we are as parents or not. In fact, so much of how we develop is engrained in us from our early childhood. We have no ability to see outside the way we were raised until we are challenged with opposing relationships (friends, partners, employers, children, adult family relationships) or wanting something different.

However, what triggers in us as parents once we have children, is something brand new that has never been experienced before. You’re challenged with parenting yourself. Many of us try to make an active effort to be a certain “type” of parent, but the reality is, that in moments of complete distress, overwhelm, and chaos, your instinctual reaction is to parent the way you were parented.

It takes making an active effort to reverse the engrained traumas, neglect, abuse, emotional disconnect and so much more familial dysfunction. This dysfunction has been passed down for generations. Acknowledging them is the first step to breaking them. It takes time to reverse years of one way of knowing.

Forgive yourself. Take a breath. Evaluate why you are having a reaction. Readjust yourself. Set the expectation. Then parent to follow through without reacting.

05/01/2023

Your time is your biggest asset when it comes to your kids. As parents, your kids will do almost anything for your undivided attention. But that’s just it… UNDIVIDED.

Try spending 20 minutes a day with your kids. No screens. No phones. No distractions. Just you and something your kid (or kids) pick to do. Do it their way and on their terms (as long as all safety is followed!).

04/27/2023

Many times as parents, we feel the need to control our children’s behaviors out of embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear or simple frustration. You’re not alone in this 👋🏼 we all do it!!!

But did you know that the more you actually try to control the behavior, the worse they get? That’s why it’s important to understand the function of your child’s behavior to learn the appropriate responses to provide, in order to help navigate 🗺️ minimize ⬇️ and stop 🛑 behaviors from escalating!

04/26/2023

Hello 👋🏼 and welcome to my page! If you’ve been here awhile, thank you! If you’re new… welcome! 🤗

My name is Jennifer Ray, but I’ve always preferred Jenny 😉 I have been specializing in children for over 20 years now! I began my journey in college, when my sister was newly diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I always knew my passion was with children, but it was then that I found my purpose!

I began a career in working with children with special needs, in a variety of capacities. I worked as a behavioral specialist, floortime therapist, social skills coordinator, 1:1 within the school districts and a parent behavioral trainer. It was through this journey that I realized the importance and value of mental health in children. After 8 years, I went back to graduate school and received masters in psychology with an emphasis in Art Therapy and Marriage and Family Therapy in 2009.

Since then, I have practiced as a marriage and family therapist specializing in children, teens and families. I earned my intern hours working with varying school districts. Now, I have my own private practice, located in Encino, CA since 2014, continuing with my passion in working with children, teens and families.

04/26/2023

Are you a parent who gets easily frustrated or triggered when your child has a temper tantrum or emotional meltdown? Even worse when it happens in public?!

Do you feel personally attacked when your teen uses you as a verbal punching bag? Eye rolls? Selective hearing?

Do you feel your child’s behavior is directed to personally disrespect you when they’re having huge emotional struggles? Ever heard the famous lines… “I hate you”?

What if I told you that now I could teach you the science behind the behaviors so that when your child reacts you don’t!? There is no secret guide to perfect parenting… just a guide to more successful parenting!

04/26/2023

So true 🥰🤪💜

via https://www.instagram.com/never_empty_nest

☀️Our gorgeous issue 49 is on sale in both NZ, Australia and the UK Every store-bought copy comes with a special Journal to document your baby’s first year and note down those special moments! There’s milestone cards, a beautiful first year experiences colouring in section and lots of space to write. Issue 49 is also available to purchase locally and internationally online: https://thenaturalparentmagazine.com/product-category/shop/magazine ☀️

04/25/2023

👋🏼 😫Does parenting feel overwhelming?🫣

☀️ Struggle with morning or night routines? 🌙

📣 Tired of back talk? 📢

🙅‍♀️ Feel like you’re continually in a power struggle?🤝

😭 Do you struggle with meltdowns or tantrums regularly? 😤

🖐🏼 Do you struggle with physical aggression? 🦶

🎙Sound like a broken record?🎙

If you answered yes ✅ to any of these, this workshop 📓 is the answer for you!

👋🏼 Come join me in learning a brand new way to navigate parenting and challenging behaviors with ease! With over 20 years of experience in working with children and families 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 I will break down the science 🧪 of behaviors and help navigating 🧭 the most challenging parts of raising children!

🚨 Reserve your spot today as space is limited🚨

Click the link below to register or share! ⬇️