David Lechnyr, LCSW - TherapyDave

11/21/2025

You know that fight where you keep explaining yourself and your partner just... shuts down?

Or the one where your partner won't stop talking and you desperately need them to just be quiet for five minutes so you can breathe?

That's called the demand-withdraw pattern, and research shows it predicts divorce better than most other factors.

One partner escalates trying to be heard. The other retreats trying to survive. Both people feel completely alone even though they're in the same room.

Here's what changes it:

Stop trying to win arguments. Start becoming an advocate for how you both talk to each other.

That means agreeing on ground rules BEFORE your next fight:
• No interrupting until the other person is done
• Equal talking time (if you talk for 10 minutes, they get 10 minutes)
• Timeouts when either person feels overwhelmed
• One issue at a time

Your marriage isn't dying because you fight. It's dying because you've lost the ability to fight well.

And that's something you can learn.

Read more:

One partner escalates while the other shuts down. This demand-withdraw pattern has an 80% divorce rate. Learn how couples break this destructive cycle and restore mutual influence in conversations that matter.

11/14/2025

The number one reason why Gottman Method Couples Therapy works. Well... At least one of the big ones.

11/14/2025

What happens when new research revises the Gottman Method Couples Therapy protocol. Or if you have spare time on your hands after a client cancellation and you decide to play with Al.

11/11/2025

You know that feeling when your partner forgets to text back and suddenly you're convinced they don't care anymore? Or when they explain why they didn't do the dishes and all you hear is excuses?

Welcome to negative sentiment override. It's the relationship equivalent of wearing glasses that filter out anything good your partner does while magnifying every mistake into proof that you're doomed.

And it's quietly destroying couples every single day.

Here's what makes this pattern so dangerous: You're not imagining that something feels off. You are genuinely hurting. Your partner really did forget that important thing. They actually haven't planned a date in months.

But when you're stuck in negative sentiment override, you become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for evidence that your partner doesn't care, doesn't love you, or is about to leave. You're like a meerkat on high alert, except instead of watching for predators, you're watching for proof that you're right to feel unloved.

And you will find that proof everywhere.

Your partner brings you coffee? They're just trying to avoid a fight.

They apologize? Too little, too late.

They explain what actually happened? Just making excuses.

The worst part? When your partner actually does something wonderful, genuinely trying to connect, that negative filter blocks it from registering. They show up with your favorite takeout after a hard day, and instead of feeling loved, you think: "Why does it take a crisis for them to care?"

Meanwhile, your partner feels like they're walking through a minefield. Nothing they do is right. Nothing they say lands. So they start to withdraw, which gives you more proof that they don't care, which makes them withdraw more.

After 20 years of working with couples, I can tell you this: Negative sentiment override doesn't mean you're wrong about everything. Your partner might genuinely be dropping the ball. The problem isn't that you're seeing things that aren't there.

The problem is you're only seeing the bad things.

Here's something most therapists won't tell you: You can't just decide to stop having a negative lens. The Gottman Institute has spent 50 years trying to get people to simply turn off negative sentiment override. It doesn't work. Not even for the experts.

So what do you do?

I wrote a detailed guide on the only proven way out of this pattern, and it's not what most couples expect. It requires both partners doing uncomfortable things simultaneously, but it works.

Read the full article: https://therapydave.com/relationships/when-every-small-thing-becomes-a-fight-breaking-the-cycle-before-it-breaks-you/

The relationship you want is on the other side of the risk you're both afraid to take.

David Lechnyr, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Certified Gottman Therapist
Helping couples in Oregon and Arizona break destructive patterns and rebuild connection

Stuck in a pattern where small issues explode into major fights? Learn how negative sentiment override is damaging your relationship and the specific steps to break the cycle before it's too late.

10/16/2025

The intersection of empathy and abuse. You should never have to lawyer your way into being treated with kindness.

10/15/2025

How to bring your argument down from World War III to safety, or at least safer.

10/13/2025

Don’t be a bad wildlife observer in changing your own life.

10/11/2025

Saying, “I understand how you feel” doesn’t make people feel understood. Here’s what to do instead. 

10/09/2025

Ah… the limits of modern day psychology and Moflins

10/08/2025

I feel… That you’re a big idiot. I/You messages are just as see-through as the compliment sandwich on office space… Say, good job but by the way, can we talk about those TPS reports? 

07/19/2025

Understanding Gottman Training Levels:

As a Certified Gottman Therapist, I'm often asked about different training levels. Level 1 is a basic 2-day workshop covering foundational concepts. Level 2 adds advanced training for complex issues like affairs and trauma. Level 3 involves monthly practicum with video review over several months. Certification is the highest level, requiring 2-3 years and demonstrated mastery through rigorous evaluation. For couples seeking help, Level 1-2 therapists work well for communication issues and minor conflicts. Level 3 or Certified therapists are best for complex cases involving high conflict, affairs, or trauma. The training system ensures you receive evidence-based care from properly qualified professionals.

My certification journey took 6 years and transformed my practice, giving me confidence to handle the most challenging relationship issues.

Comprehensive guide to all Gottman Institute training levels, from basic workshops to certification and trainer programs.