04/02/2017
Teaching Your Kids to Grieve Well
By: Dena Pinckney, LCSW
As parents we are often so eager for our children to learn new things. We teach them their ABCs and teach them to ride a bike. Are we also teaching them how to deal with sadness and loss in healthy ways? You may be thinking, I don't want my child to feel loss or sadness. I want to protect them. If that is you, then regard yourself as normal. However, consider this quote by child psychologist Alan Wolfett, "If a child is old enough to love, then he is old enough to grieve." Whether it’s the family pet, a grandparent, or a parent, all children will experience and be affected by loss at some point. Since grief itself is inevitable, we must give our children the tools they need to deal with and understand the loss.
Be honest with your children about the loss. Give a brief, but honest explanation and be available to answer any questions they may have at the time. They may respond with a totally unrelated comment such as, "Mom, can we have pizza tonight?" This doesn't mean they haven't heard you; it may mean they have taken in all they can handle for the present moment on the topic. Even if they don't immediately respond or ask questions, know that you have created a safe space for them to share their grief experience. Young children may ask when a loved one is returning each time they are missing that person. This is because young children do not understand the concept of permanence in death. Answer their questions and give emotional support as best you can and know that these repeated questions are normal.
Allow children to participate in grieving rituals. Children love to be included and need closure just as adults need closure. Older kids may appreciate being given a choice of whether or not to attend a funeral. A child may wish to write down their favorite memory of the deceased and place it in the casket. Be prepared to explain elements of the experience (such as "casket", "burial", "urn", etc.). When a child is not taught what these concepts mean, they will fill in the knowledge gaps with their own imagination that may be scarier than the actual truth of the matter. When attending a funeral, make sure a child is accompanied by a responsible adult who can leave if the child becomes too overwhelmed.
Finally, chances are good that if you are helping your child through grief, you are also grieving. I have seen many parents who do not want their children to see them cry. However, don't be afraid of showing this honest emotion. You are modeling that it is normal and okay to feel and express emotion. Children do not need you to "be strong" by pretending you are not grieving, but they do need you to take care of yourself and seek the support you need. Although grief can feel overwhelming at times, make efforts to ground yourself in the present moment. This could mean asking your child about their day or showing interest in something they are enjoying or have accomplished. Also, take steps to engage in new traditions that you and your child can look forward to such as getting ice cream on certain occasions or taking a walk after school.
The emotional effects of grief and loss take time, but time alone is not a healer. Developing healthy coping skills and equipping your children with those same skills are essential in helping your child grieve well.
Dena is a Grief Specialist, Parent Educator, and a Licensed Therapist at Restoring Hope Counseling Center in Evans, GA.
