10/22/2022
I refuse to be a burden any longer. Not many get as many mustard seeds as I have been given. I have found my light. And I have found my determination. Within that, I have found the love I have for myself.
I know that I love myself because of the feeling I miss and want to have back in my life. When I had that feeling, I was truly happy, healthy, and free! I refuse to keep rolling my heart and your heart into shreds. I will do what is necessary to fully be the Confident, beautiful, stable, and blessed woman God intended on me being.
I know that I have sinned. I know I have broken hearts. I know that I have hated myself. And completely missed the mark on why it is important to have self respect and determination. I miss me. I miss freedom. I miss being joyful and happy. I miss the mountains and the seas. I miss the wide open spaces. I miss the cuddles under the stars. I miss the admiration I felt for My Awesome Jesus for allowing me the chance at feeling true love.
I do love myself. I am beautiful. I will praise God. I will have confidence as I walk with my head held high. I will become strong in our Father and follow you. I will feel love again. I will be whole again.
And this has to stand as my reminder, that there may be distance and time in between us, currently. But my actions and choices can determine the quality of that distance and time. Either alone and scared or with friends and safe. As long as I get better and prove to myself that I am worth it, then God will bless me. Only when I show that I have finally surrendered and fell at God's feet begging to be led back to his way of life will I be given the opportunity to have my true love back.
I am very good with words. But today God lit a fire under my rear, and given me a choice. Either choose his path and be rewarded with happiness/love deep in my soul, a ticket through the golden gates when time, and the opportunity to stand behind and support my love in the path God has led him on. Or choose the path of destruction and be left alone, wrecked, and serving time in a way not meant for someone like me.
I will not fight or be scared anymore! I ask God to forgive me and please allow me this last opportunity to nurture this mustard seed he lays in my path. And guide me back to the light. Help show me why I must love my self and him before I can truly have my true love. I ask Jesus to please help me remain strong and with will power. And keep me focused on what is important. And to take my worry from me. Father God, please let my prayers be seen,heard, and answered. Please don't allow me to make another excuse to why not. And have your hand over me as a shield from all evil. And I promise, in Jesus name, I pray, your will be done!
I must get out of this sinful cycle. And build my foundation strong. That way I am capable of holding all the blessings you have shown me are mine when I have become the woman of God you intended me to be. I sit and swear upon it, God has shown me that I will stand in the temple on that mountain range within the NEXT year holding true to my promise to be pure, having sobriety, and holding your hand high praising God for his love. But I must not waste another minute.
