09/07/2025
6 years later and the most random place can bring the grief right to the surface...
For 7 years I was the area manager for a convenience store chain in Rhode Island covering half the state. As I had 6 locations in Providence, I spent alot of time there visiting stores. My wife also worked at the hospital in Providence so sometimes Id pick her up for lunch. After she passed I didnt stay with that job long and needed change so when I quit in 2020, I hadnt been back to any of my former stores since.
A couple days ago I needed to pickup something at the Providence Place Mall but got there early, not realizing the store I was going to wouldnt be open for 2 hours. I thought Id go visit some of my old colleagues and drove over to convenience store I used to oversee, not far from the mall. As I started driving down the side streets using my routes I used to drive weekly, an eerie feeling crept in on me. I felt a lump in my throat and a sense of anxiety build. I had assumed it was just driving thru Providence that caused this, but it wasnt until I parked in the lot of the conve ience store I used to frequent weekly 6 years ago that it all made sense.
Suddenly I wasnt sitting in my car, staring at the monthly energy drink specials in the windows... I had travelled back to 2019 and the 7 years prior... memories about how my wife and I would share texts all day about how our day was going... talking at some point about our plans after work and who would be picking up Ava from preschool. It was in that very parking lot where Id be talking with her about meeting her and Ava at the playground on the way home and maybe grabbing Dels lemonade.
I wasnt just back to when she was alive, because I was also sitting in that same spot months after she passed, crying, wondering how Id ever survive another day without her. Many of you know what I mean, as its a feeling we struggle to explain to someone who doesnt get it. How do you explain that your emotions youre feeling are coming from 3 different timelines? Emotionally I was sitting in 2018, 2020, and 2025, all at once. My day kind of veered off after that. I never went inside the store and instead drove around... reminiscing... praying... pleading for the strength that I thought I had built up over the last 6 years to make my foundation unbreakable, yet, there I was ... breaking. I drove to the mall once it opened and made my purchases but decided to go grab lunch at Dave and Busters. It was 1130am now but I went and sat at the bar and ordered a sandwich and a beer. Now why am I telling you about what I drank and ate? Because in the months after my wife passed, I didnt want to be home alone during the day. Though there are stretches that remain a blur, I remember one day coming to Dave and Busters because it was where my wife and I had our 1st date. A month after she passed I sat at the same bar mid day on a weekday and poured my story out to the poor bartender who wasnt prepared to hear some stranger talk about his wife passing and the importance this restaurant had in his life. Except see, this time was different....
Not only had it been 6 years but as I was driving around earlier and I was letting my mind carry me from 2025 to 2018 and then 2020...I remembered how I didnt think Id get through those first few months... when I got thru those I was certain Id never make it another year... but eventually, I got to 2025. I didnt time travel, I worked my way here. Day by day.
When we start out on grief its fair to feel like we cant do it... we may feel like we will fail... and if you feel this way, who could blame you? Grief is a new feeling for most when you lose someone close, so who could blame you for being uncertain as to how you will perform at something youve never done?
But as we progress forward thru grief and the days become months and months become years, here is where we get to a point and we have to take some ownership back over our minds. 6 years ago it made sense that I felt like my foundation was gone and that I couldnt make it, but it stops becoming logical to feel like that years later when you now have a track record of victories over grief, because each morning you woke up thinking "I CANT" you stand here today able to say "I DID". Before, you werent sure how youd get thru it but today you can look backwards and feel stronger because you have gotten here.
You can pull various points out of what im writing here today but I offer you this. I want you to know that yes, even after 6 years of learning how to punch grief and knock it down so it stops taking over, it can steal get in a cheap shot from time to time. Tears, doubt, worry... they will always want to take an opportunity to jump in and steer your emotions, but you must always remember... youre not always going to be new to this. Each day, no matter how good or bad you feel you did, is another step forward. Its another day you can say, "I did it". Im not asking if you did it perfectly. Im not saying you will always do it easilly. But, you WILL do it. So when those moments sneak up on you, whether its at home and a certain commercial comes on...or youre driving and hear a special song... or your sitting in a convenience store parking lot you used to work at... and when your mind starts to wander back in time to a place where worry, doubt, anxiety, and all the negative feelings were almost too much to carry, remember. Remember all the times when you said grief changed you. When you said youd never be the same again. You were right. You will become more resilient. Youll become stronger. When you feel like youve just gone bavkwards I invite you to go backwards and take a look at who you were in those first 12 months of grief and look at how far youve come.
Grief is the master of sneak attacks but as you heal, you will learn to hit back. Grief may have taken so much from you but it doesnt get to ever take those daily victories that youve earned. Those are your war medals. Be proud of them and be proud of who you are.
