10/06/2025
When a parent lashes out or withdraws—and never apologizes—the child is left with only one option: “It must be me. I must be the problem.”
And here’s the deeper reason why:
🔹Because the person in power didn’t take responsibility. Someone had to carry the blame, so the child picked it up.
🔹Because if I take responsibility, maybe I can control it. Maybe I can fix it. Maybe I can make sense of a scary world by taking ownership of it.
That’s how shame becomes twofold: I’m wrong, and if I change, maybe I’ll be safe. But that childhood survival strategy doesn’t disappear when we grow up.
🔹It shows up in the workplace, where we apologize for someone else’s temper.
🔹It shows up in relationships, where silence makes us wonder, “What did I do wrong?”
🔹It shows up in friendships, where we blame ourselves for distance we didn’t create.
Shame is what happens when real accountability is missing, and we try to take it on ourselves.
Healing begins when we can name this distortion for what it is—and slowly practice handing responsibility back.
Because safety doesn’t come from carrying the blame.
It comes from connection, repair, and learning that we never had to earn love by fixing what wasn’t ours.
